Worse Villains Ever Episode One: Setting Up Shop
Scene opens with a guy walking through a doorway into a rundown apartment. He's wearing nearly all black with spiky blue hair holding a bag with the words 'Hot Topic' on it. We hear a flush from the near by bathroom. Emerges from the bathroom is another guy, whiter and sporting a ' I 3 Canada' T-shirt
Canada:"Where did you get the, Kev?"
Kevin:"Hot Topic of course. Don't worry I used a Capital-one card."
Canada: Staring at a near by table,"How did you use it if it's sitting right there!" Points to a Capital-one card on the table.
Kevin: Eyes widen, he then rifles through his wallet to find a Visa with a piece of tape with the words Capital-one written onit."...Shit."
Dramatic music plays and scene pans to a massive group of Huns running down the street towards the apartment. Pans back to Kevin and Canada, no music, looking out the window in terror. Pans back to the Huns, with music. Pans to Kevin and Canada relaxed with no music. Pans back to the Huns running with music blaring. Pans back to Kevin and Canada, Canada wearing a tutu and Kevin wearing a Boulder hat and fake mustache. Pans back to the Huns and the music to "Livin' Le Veta Loca." Pans back to Kevin and Canada, in original cloths, eating Chinese food. A girl is standing behind the both of them, she's wearing a light blue blouse and blue jeans with shoulder length brown hair
Girl: Confused,"... What the hell is going on?"
Canada: Scared, "AAAHHH! Oh, hi Jill. Kevin did it this time. He just had to use the credit card of death."
Kevin: "But they just got some new knee-high boots in! Look!" Pulls them out of the bag," They have metal!"
Canada: "That-"
Kevin: "METAL!"
Jill: To Kevin,"Exactly what happened?"
Kevin: "I forgot to use the Capital-one card... again."
Pans back to the Huns and the dramatic music. Then back to the three
Jill: "Oh. That makes sense."
Pans back to the Huns and the dramatic music. Then back to the three, Kevin is on the phone
Canada: "Shouldn't we be running or something? I mean what if they get here and we're still here?"
Kevin: On the phone,"No! That's not fair! pause Ok, fine!" Slams the phone down,"Bill Gates said there's a warrant out for our arrest."
Canada: "Are we going to leave the country?"
Kevin: "Yeah. All three of us have to."
Jill: "Why do I have to go?"
Kevin: "That's 'cause you're picking the country."
Jill: Eyes light up with joy,"Really? You mean I can finally go too-"
Kevin: "Don't say it! They have this place bugged!"
Canada: "Really?" Looks up at the ceiling. He sees an agent in a fly costume holding on to suction cups.
Agent: "… Ummmmm, buzz buzz."
Scene goes to the three that are outside and walking to a rusty El Camino. The three climb in and take off. As they get out of being paned the Huns with the dramatic music comes into the scene
Hun: Breathing deeply,"I… told you… we shouldn't have… stopped…for ice cream."
Scene goes to the three in line to get plane tickets
Canada: "Where are we going?"
Jill: "Japan! Japan!"
Canada and Kevin: "Awwwwwwww…"
Jill: "At least we got away from those Huns."
Kevin turns and leans out to see the rest of the line. A few Huns lean out of the line grin and wave. They then lean back into the line. The line moves, people in between the Huns and Kevin start to leave the line. Twenty minutes later
Clerk: "Next."
Canada: "Huzzah!" Walks up to the clerk.
Kevin turns around. There is only one fat man between Kevin and the Huns. The fat man tries to leave.
Kevin: Grabs the fat man's head. "No, stay here; stay as long as you can…" Starts shaking the man's head."FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T MOVE!"
Clerk: "One way tickets to Tokyo; there's three. That'll be lots of money where you stupid middle class anime freaks can't afford for your obsession with cartoons that can't be real no matter how believablethey are."
Canada throws a shit load of money at the clerk's face. He grabs the tickets and bolts. Kevin and Jill are close behind. They get on the plane. Pans to outside the plane, the Huns are running after the plane taking off. The plane is finally airborne. The Huns stop one Hun stares up at the airplane and tears began to form
Hun: Puts hand on the crying Hun's shoulder."It's ok. They'll have to come back sooner or later. They leave their El Camino."
Scene goes to the three walking out of the Japanese airport into a stopped taxi. Jill is smiling while sitting in between Kevin and Canada who are looking kind of mad/sad
Canada: "… This is it… I can't stand it!"
Canada pulls out a 9mm and puts it under his chin. Kevin grabs the gun away
Kevin: "What's wrong with you!" pause "I'm doing it first!" Puts the gun barrel in his mouth.
Canada grabs the gun and the two begin to fight over who's going the shoot themselves first. Jill looks extremely pissed. The cab driver turns back and points a revolver at them
Driver: In a deep Satan voice,"FOR GOD SAKES SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS!"
Canada and Kevin stops fighting and Jill grabs the gun. The taxi driver turns back and with a deep Satan sounding voice laughs.
Scene goes to the Café where the girls from Sailor Moon hang out. Serena, Rei, and Lita are sitting and talking at a table. At a different table Canada and Kevin are sitting reading the paper for apartments to live in. Jill is walking back from the lady's room when she over hears Amy on the pay phone
Amy: "Fine. I'll be there soon. Bye."
Amy hangs up. Jill walks up to her
Jill: "Excuse me, do you live around these parts?"
Amy: "Yes, I do. I'm guessing you're not from… Japan, are you?"
Jill: Smiles,"Hehehe. Nope, we're from the U.S."
Amy: "You and who else, do you hear voices in your head?"
Jill: "No, not that I'm aware of. I came here with my two friends."
The two start to walk back to their tables while having a nice conversation. Pans back to where Kevin and Canada are sitting
Kevin: "How about this place? Kevin points to paper. Canada looks really sad.Don't worry we'll find a place eventually."
Canada: pissed "I'm more worried about the El Camino! You're always wrong about everything!"
Kevin: "That's not true!"
Canada: "Episode II: Attack of the Clones!"
Kevin: "It was better than Episode I!"
Canada: "Number two sucked more!"
Kevin: "Number one sucked more!"
The two bicker while a man at the counter pulls out a gun and demands money
Man with gun: "Reach for the sky!"
Kevin and Canada stand up and start yelling
Kevin: "It was a slash/prod!"
Canada: "Slash/slash!"
Kevin: "Prod!"
Canada: "Slash!"
Canada throws an ashtray, Kevin ducks and the tray hits the robber in the head. The robber falls to the floor. Kevin jumps and the two begin to choke each other on the floor
Canada: "I'll second grade you bitchboy!"
Kevin: "I'll kindergarten your ass!"
While Canada and Kevin are at a scuffled Jill sits with Serena, Rei, and Lita
Amy: "Hey. This is Jill. She and her friends are looking for a place to live."
Serena: "Where's your friends?"
Kevin gets up from the floor
Kevin: "Victory! I have claimed vic-"
Kevin slips on the wet floor and goes crashing to the floor
Jill: Red with embarrassment,"…… sigh On the ground next to us. We're kind of new here and we're looking for a place to stay."
Lita: "How much money do you have?"
Jill: pause "I'm not at liberty to say that."
Lita: "Why?"
Jill looks top remembering something from back in the day. The scene does the wavey flashback thing. Now the scene pans to outside of a Mac computer factory. A bran new El Camino into the parking lot. Kevin and Canada walk get out of the car with bats in hand. Music starts playing and its Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." Pans to Canada and Kevin inside the factory with no employee inside. Then they start beating the shit out of everything is there, stealing files, and placing explosives. Pans to them walking away and the factory exploding behind them. Pans back to Jill at the table. Jill is still dazing off.
Pause
Lita: "Well who paid you to do that?"
Jill: "Who did what with the how now?"
Lita: "You kinda talk when you're thinking."
Rei: "You know come to think of it there's a run out looking shack that an insane schoolteacher lived there and-"
Jill: "Does it have a phone?"
Rei: "Yeah, I th-"
Jill: "How about electricity?"
Rei: Writes something on to a piece of paper."Here's the address. Now make like a tree and leaf."
Jill: In deep thought,"Huh?"
Scene goes to the three standing outside in front of a dilapidated house.
Jill: "Well… am I good or what?"
Kevin: "If good means bad and what means stupid then yes you did ok."
Canada: "Don't be such a bastard. Besides we haven't seen the inside yet."
The front of the house falls and exposes the inside of the house.
Pause
Jill: "Maybe there's something cool inside."
Kevin: "This isn't like DD where there is "cool" shit in very fucking room or dungeon!"
Jill: Makes a sad face,"Maybe there is something."
Kevin: "Fine! We'll check!"
The three go into what's left of the house and begin to search. They find that the house has old stale food and is very dirty. Canada opens the closet and he sees that there is an elevator panel near the doorframe
Canada: Out the others,"Hey guys come look at this thing."
The other three soon arrive at the closet and try to fit inside to see the panel
Jill: "Do you think we should press the down button?"
Kevin: "Sure. But if the house explodes then we all know who's fault it is."
Jill presses the down button. Nothing seems to happen. Kevin tries to say something but metal elevator doors shut where the entrance to the closet was. The closet goes down for about three minutes and then opens. There is a place with very high tech computers and a bunch of other scientific shit
Kevin: Glares at Jill who is smiling with glee,"Oh I'm sorry. Did you want a trophy or a trinket! It's not gonna happen."
The three walk out of the elevator, Canada walks over to pick something up and look at it
Jill: "We can fix up the house with the money we got."
Canada drops the thing he was holding
Canada: Panicked"WAIT! I thought we were gunna use that money to completely modify the El Camino! THE EL CAMINO!"
Kevin: "We have enough for both. Not to mention we have a crap load of stuff here. There has to be a garage or hanger or something."
Canada: "True. But we don't have the deed and we'll have to buy it from the people who own it and know that there is a base under it! How much money do you think it will cost now ass!"
Off in a distance we hear Jill scream. Canada and Kevin run to Jill and there is a skeleton in a chair. There is a note and an envelope next to him. Canada picks up the envelope while picks up picture in the corpse's hand.
Canada: "Well here is the deed to the house and he signed papers to give it to the 'people who find me.'"
Kevin: disgusted"Yeah and here are things that we could get arrested for."
Kevin shows the others the nude pictures of a twelve year old Rei that were taken by a telescope
Jill: disgusted "Sicko!"
Canada: "Hmmm… setting him and these pictures on fire will bethe third thing to do."
Jill: "What's the first two then?"
Canada: "First we need to get this deed finalized so we can begin fixing up to house. Then getting you enrolled in school."
Jill: "Why do I have to go to school!"
Canada: "Cause I fucking said so!"
The three spend the night in the underground base. Next day the scene goes to Jill wearing a schoolgirl outfit in a school. Jill is sitting at here desk looking very bored. Her eyes brighten as she sees Amy and Serena walk into her classroom
Jill: "Hey!"
Amy: "Oh, hi. You're the girl we met at the café."
Jill: "Yup. I got enrolled here."
Serena: "That fast? How did your friends get you into school so quickly?"
Canada walks out of the El Camino and walks up to Kevin who's outside the house; we see the back of Canada's head.
Kevin: "Hey." Looks at Canada's face,"OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHY ARE YOU WEARING LIPSICK!"
Canada: "I don't want to talk about it!"
Kevin: "What did that guy do to you?"
Canada: Opens the front door to the house,"I said I…… where did this door come from? In fact,"Looks around the house,"How did you get this done in one day?"
Kevin: "I'm fucking god."
Canada: "No you're not."
Kevin: "Listen to me more carefully. I'm FUCKING god."
Canada: "Ewww."
Kevin: "Is this coming from a guy who's got lipstick on?"
Canada: "Touché."
Scene goes to Jill walking with Amy, Lita, and Serena after school
Jill: "Could school get any longer?"
Serena: "You should ask Amy, our little nerd."
Amy: "Bitch I'll bust a cap in your ass!"
Serena: "Where did that come from?"
Amy: "My American/English class."
Serena: "Hey aren't we passing your house now?"
Jill: "Yeah, I think we are." An explosion is heard little off in the distance with someone screaming 'You shit whore!' "Yes… we're nearing it."
Scene goes to Kevin and Canada sitting near a circular metal object with the words Transporter on it. The El Camino is in the center of the circle.
Kevin: "Are you sure you know what you're doing!"
Canada: "I think it's obvious that I don't!" Runs up and hugs the El Camino,"I'll never leave you again.
Kevin: "… You really need a girlfriend."
Canada: "Is this coming from the guy that hasn't got one ever!"
Kevin: "That's cold man, cold as Hoth."
Jill with the others walk up
Jill: "Hey guys I would you to meet Seren-"
Kevin: "At least I never fucked a goat!"
Canada: "Who had to buy their first time?"
Kevin: "How was I to know if she was a hooker?"
Canada: "The tattoo on her back."
Kevin: "How did you know she had a tattoo?"
Canada: "Man every one had a turn."
Jill: To Serena, Lita, and Amy,"Can I come with you guys to Rei's?"
Serena: "Sure more the merrier."
They leave while Kevin and Canada continue to bicker. Kevin punches Canada in the left eye and they both shut up
Kevin: "Now lets calm down and go into the lair and pimp out the El Camino."
Canada: "Ok."
Canada pulls out what seems to be a garage door opener. He pushes the button and the transporter goes down like an elevator while Kevin, Canada, and the El Camino are on it.
This was an actual argument I had with a friend of mine and it resulted in us turning Episode two: Attack of the Clones in the DVD player just to prove me right.
If you wish to threaten, request an alternate, or just want to give me ideas for future episodes, if this ever got off the ground, then contact me at