The My Fair D.A.M.E. Project

Author's Notes: Firstly, this is just more silliness that is intended to amuse Pyrefangs and myself. It's also an excellent example about how we can take anything way too seriously and make it work.

Secondly, please, feel free to leave commentary on the mechanics of the crossover if there's something that doesn't sound reasonable. Although, commentary on personal opinion of my methodology may be ignored in favor of retaining my fragile self esteem. :)

Thirdly, I have not yet played Mass Effect 2. As a result this is alternate universe after ME1 (paragon maleshep, kept the council) and thus any changes to the universe effective ME2 will be summarily ignored.

Finally, D.A.M.E. stands for Dragon Age Mass Effect. Stupid pun, I know. Laugh at it. It's supposed to be funny.

Edit 2/23/10: Updated formatting to take quotation grammar into account.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is for amusement only.

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Dana Cousland kept her false smile firmly in place. Years of political grooming at the hands of her Teyrna mother allowed her to continue the facade of actually enjoying herself. When in reality she wanted to run around with her paired daggers and sever the spleens of the idiot nobility surrounding her. She internally sighed and mentally checked that her smile was still in place. This trip to Ostagar had originally been intended for her and her dear friends alone.

But, Queen Anora, the ever vigilant woman that she was, had overheard Dana and Alistair planning the trip. They had decided that now that the blight was ended, they and their companions should return to Ostagar to hold a small private memorial for the Grey Warden Commander, Duncan. It would also be a final farewell before they all split off to their separate paths.

Anora, of course, thought it was a splendid idea. And did not Ferelden owe it's existence to Duncan's foresight? And thus, she summoned the entirety of their tiny nation's nobility to Ostagar to honor the dead warden. And like any noble party, it turned into a drunken fiasco fairly fast. The elder nobility, drank and gossiped. The younger crowed about the chance to 'rough' it, as it were. Dana Cousland, sister to Teyrn Fergus of Highever, and the honored Grey Warden who stopped the blight (though really it was the child that Morrigan carried that did the trick) was the guest of honor and thus was kept in view at all times.

She internally signed, mentally checked her smile, and wished for Alistair's company once again. Dana also found herself wishing for something to kill… anything… at all. She nearly laughed aloud when she realized she'd easily choose a bar brawl with Oghren over a noble's party any day.

And so it was thus that she internally cheered with delight at the sound of terrified screams coming from a random door in the tevinter ruins that made up Ostagar. She excused herself from the clutches of the elderly bann that had been regaling her ear for the last hour and put on her warden face as she marched for the door. She was unsurprised to find the entirety of her companions swiftly on her heels within moments. She allowed herself a moment to pass a grim smile to Alistair who looked utterly overjoyed to be brandishing his sword again.

Dana paused outside the dilapidated wooden door from which horrified screams kept emitting accompanied by repeated pounding of someone attempting to remove the door. She leaned towards the door and yelled, "Back away, we'll have you out in a moment!"

The screaming and the pounding stopped, followed by a loud whisper, "Thank the maker, we're saved!"

Dana rolled her eyes and looked at Oghren. She smiled and gestured to the door, "If you please?" she said simply. Oghren let out a drunk chuckle and then with a loud bellow charged the door with his shoulder. A small explosion of half rotted wood, dust and minor screams from the surrounding nobles cleared away to reveal and now half comatose Oghren on the ground in a pile of obliterated door splinters and a young noble couple, clinging to each other in aghast horror at the dwarves spectacle.

Dana smiled sweetly at the unhappy couple from the now open doorway. "Are you two okay? I heard screams," she said with a semi-professional air.

At the reminder of their previous panic, their faces pale noticeably and the girl clings tighter to her companion. The boy pointed a shaking hand down the hallway leading away from the door and stuttered out, "There's monsters! They tried to eat us! Don't let them eat us, Warden! Please!"

Dana blinked momentarily and then looked back at her companions. She then smiled reassuringly back and the couple and said, "We'll take care of it." Turning all business then, she faced her companions and started dispensing orders.

"Sten, Leliana, Zevran… escort these two to a healer and their families. Make sure they're okay," she stated calmly. Sten nodded and turned to find a healer, while Leliana and Zevran worked to coax the frightened teenagers away from the doorway.

"Alistair, Oghren, Wynne… you're with me down the dark, creepy hallway." Wynne merely nodded and started to ready her spells while Oghren managed to right himself from the mess of the door with a drunken cheer.

Alistair made a face, looking down the hallway. "Now that's just great. Back to the grind already," he groused. Dana ignored him.

"Morrigan, Snuggles… guard the door."

Morrigan sneered, "What? I have to work the the dog!?"

"Yes, Morrigan. You have to work with Snuggles."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. Deal with it."

Dana turned away from everyone and darted down the hallway, effectively cutting off any further complaints from anyone. The chosen team members followed on her heels with the same familiarity of exploring any other number of dilapidated passageways as they had done before.

They explored the deepening catacombs with meticulous care, dispensing with traps, and removing a few small beasties that made their homes in such areas. Ogrhen muttered loudly, "We've been in this stinking excuse for a tunnel a while now and all we've found are some lousy, sodding deep stalkers. Sodding sky-dwelling nobles."

Dana snorted indelicately and turned to look over her shoulder at Ogrhen, "You do realize I'm a noble as well, right?" she asked teasingly.

Oghren grinned at Dana, "Yeah and yeh know how to use them daggers like a proper warrior! Yeh might as well be a dwarf noble with the way yeh fight!"

Dana shook her head and kept walking. Eventually they reached the end of the catacombs, only to find the hallway was walled off with what appeared to be a large door of strange metal. Wynne stepped forward to examine the unusual glyphs that adorned the door. She turned back to Dana, "These runes are very much like some of the fade's languages that I've seen. I'm not as familiar with this dialect, however Morrigan may be. She and I might be able to decipher what's behind this door."

Dana nodded and then turned to Alistair. He stepped close, closer perhaps that he would've dared just a few months earlier, "Let me guess… I get to go up to the surface, all by my lonesome and drag Morrigan's grumpy backside down here? You do realize I never ever want to be alone with that bizarre excuse for a woman ever again, right? I mean… like ever? She's disturbing really. And she makes fun of me."

Dana laughed softly and wrapped her arms around Alistair's middle in a strong hug, "Oh you don't have to be alone with her, darling. I'd prefer it if you weren't really. No. You get to go up to the surface, all on your lonesome and drag everyone else's grumpy backsides back down here. I've got a weird feeling about that door and I want all of my back up here."

Alistair chuckled and placed a small kiss on Dana's forehead, "Very well then, love. Everyone it is. I leave Oghren and Wynne's protection in your so very capable hands." He turned, waving briefly at the other two before heading back up the tunnel.

An hour or so later, Dana stood up from the rock she'd perched on while waiting. She kicked Oghren awake from his nap as she passed him to greet the rest of their party. Dana nodded patiently, through Leliana's report of the families' reactions of gratitude and the healer's statement of a few scratches and bumps. She then motioned at Morrigan to join Wynne at the mysterious door.

Leliana blinked briefly and then grabbed Alistair's elbow, "Isn't that one of the symbols for the old gods used in the more ancient texts in the chantry?"

Alistair frowned and looked at the glyph she'd pointed too and then nodded, "It is. It's on the door several times. I recognize a few other symbols from ancient chantry works, but I don't know any of them."

Wynne looked at the symbols that Alistair pointed at and then murmured to Morrigan questioningly. Morrigan murmured back in the affirmative. Both women nodded and then stepped away from the door to look at Dana. Wynne spoke up, "If our translation is correct, the door requires a command word and the power of the old gods to open."

Dana sighed and looked at the door, "So… we can't open it?"

Morrigan shook her head, "Ah.. but we can! I carry the child with the archdemon's taint thus it has the power of the old gods. And we believe we've determined what the command word is."

Dana nodded, "Do it then. Everyone else, stand away."

Dana joined Alistair and the rest several feet away. She twined her fingers with his and held her breath. Morrigan nodded once at the group and then turned and placed her hand on the door. She spoke a brief sharp sound that reverberated with a magically compelling and commanding tone. A moment later a box on the wall by the door, lit a soft glowing blue. Morrigan blinked and then turned and looked at Wynne in confusion.

Oghren snorted, "Woo…. yeh lit up some fancy decoration on the wall. Nice one."

Morrigan snarled at Oghren and made a rude hand gesture at him that left him laughing louder. Dana sighed and cut them off, motioning with her hand for Morrigan to join Wynne in continuing the research.

Sten, who had remained silent as usual throughout the entire day, tilted his head briefly, staring at the box. He walked over and bent down to examine it more closely. Finally, he straightened up and pushed the box with his finger. It depressed briefly and then sprang back into place. The mages blinked at Sten and the box in utter confusion, until the door then rumbled and slid away to reveal the other side.

Dana smiled and clapped Sten on the shoulder before striding past them into the large chamber on the other side. The entire room was made of the same odd gleaming metal as the door. The smooth floor showed no signs of dust as neither did the circular walls and the high arching ceiling. In fact, other than the odd design of the room, the only thing of interest, was the large artifact in the middle of the room. Ovular with a long point on the top, pointing skywards, the artifact looked more like some kind of strange art piece than anything else. There were no glyphs, glowing boxes or anything else to give clue to what they had found.

Dana peered back at her gathered companions. The various shrugs, grins, anxious frowns and steeled nods gave her all she needed to know about her friends' mindset. Dana nodded once and then turned and marched up to the artifact. She circled it once, looking all over for some kind of clue. Finding nothing, she paused in front of it and simply reached out to touch it.

A blinding flash and the feeling of everything changing at once came and went in a matter of seconds. Dana felt herself land roughly on her back and blinked woozily at blue sky with fluffy clouds over head. She heard the landings and the various groans and curses of her teammates as they appeared around her. She also heard numerous terrified screams and the loud shout of a commanding voice, "Freeze! Do not move! You are surrounded!"