This is it, huh.
I'm fading away…just like the kid said.
He looks almost sorry for me. I wonder if that's coming from him, or you, Roxas.
Well, it's not like I haven't died before, right? Ha ha… And at least this time I couldn't even feel fear if I wanted to.
But, somehow…I do feel something. Man, this Sora is something else. Just like you were.
Are.
As much as Saїx always liked to jog my memory about how we Nobodies were nothing more than beings destined for darkness and oblivion, I never let it get in my way. I couldn't feel worried or stressed about it, but I guess I remembered how it would have felt, and didn't care to think about it much. I mean, ultimately, I'm pointless…worthless. Just, a wasted shadow, I guess. But just because I wasn't anything didn't mean I had to act that way. I did what I wanted to and just lived life—completed my missions, messed with the other members of the Organization, ate my favorite ice cream when I got the chance. I didn't care about the rest of them. They were all…too…heartless? Ha ha!
But Roxas, you were something else entirely. I couldn't figure it out at first. I mean, I knew who you were and why the Organization needed you and all that, but even when you couldn't think straight—way back in the beginning when you really were a zombie, there was something else. You stumbled through your first mission with that foggy head of yours, and…I felt for you. Which blew my mind! I mean, no heart, right? And yet, here I am, watching you and thinking about how confused you must be in this world you were never meant to exist in. Wow…I can't explain how confused I was at that point.
Over time, I knew that this wasn't just a strange coincidence. It couldn't have been. When reporting to the stuffy blue one or enduring Larxene, I was empty. A Nobody. Just a piece in a dark puzzle of 13. But then I'd get off work and we'd sit up there on the bell tower in Twilight Town and, man! Everything changed. I enjoyed the ice cream and laughed…really laughed!...over something stupid you'd say or something. And what was more, I started feeling like myself again. The old me, who could make friends with anything that moved, breathed, or passed by. The guy that loved a good fight—until it got too serious, of course. The one that valued things and had hopes and dreams.
I started feeling like Lea again.
When I first realized this, it was kinda funny. It hurt. I hadn't felt hurt in years, and strangely enough, made me happy in turn. Which then made me confused, and so on and so forth. It was like a smorgasbord laid before a man that hadn't eaten in almost a decade. I wasn't sure quite what to do with myself. But I never let you know that, of course. After all, we were supposed to be heartless and devoid of feelings, right? And besides…you might have started asking questions. And then Number VI would have changed the subject for you—permanently. I couldn't let that happen. After all, I began to realize that you were more than just a fellow member to me. You were my best friend.
For a while, life was good.
And then you started getting curious.
The first time you asked a serious question about the Organization, I laughed it off. Sounded like another one of your zombie-fied thought bubbles that you always gave me the pleasure of popping for you. But then the next time, it was something else. The questions began to pile up, and the answers…well, I would have been knocked off for telling you. Believe me, I hated lying to you. It burned me up that I had to keep the things you wanted to know so badly locked inside. And to be honest, some of your questions—I didn't have an answer for them. You thought too much and to deeply for a Nobody. And unfortunately, the Superior began to take note of that.
Push came to shove, and while I did my best to steer you clear of it, you started changing. The blurry-eyed boy who was always smirking faded away, replaced by a serious, frustrated Roxas. You wanted to know who you were, where you came from, why you had the keyblade. And then all these new emotions inside me instantly shifted…and fear crept in. Because I knew the consequences of what you were saying. And you never saw it coming. Things got worse and more strained between us—you started losing faith in me and in everything I had told you about life as we Nobodies know it. Then, it happened.
You turned your back, and walked away.
That day...as I watched you go, battling between letting you leave and knocking you to the ground and dragging you back, I knew that those days of ice cream and sunsets were over. As suddenly as my feelings had returned, they numbed once more…I lost the anger and loss to that familiar emptiness and the dark void that swallows all Nobodies' hearts. As much as I wanted to hate what was going on, I couldn't. I couldn't be anything about it…not frustrated, upset, not anything. There was a peak of sadness and regret as you walked past, and somehow I managed to get out a heartfelt "I would." But as you faded into the darkness of the world's ever-present night, my heart did the same. And that, was the worst feeling of nothingness I have ever had the misfortune to not feel.
None of the rest of what happened matters, really. I found you, only to figure out you didn't remember me.
You gave yourself to your Somebody again…became who you were meant to be.
I did everything I could think of to see if you were still there, inside that goofy Keyblade wielder.
But I never did see you.
I finally found my chance here in the World Between Worlds. The Organization's remaining members were hounding me for my efforts to get to you through that Somebody of yours. This time, it was all or nothing, I knew. If I couldn't bring you out somehow, and soon, I'd never have another opportunity. So, I did the only thing I could do…the only thing that might have been able to seep through Sora and make you see, Roxas, that no matter what happened, I still had the image of you—my zombie-headed, sea salt sunset, best friend—memorized.
I hadn't anticipated the pain, since I don't usually feel it nearly as powerfully without the impact of Sora's heart nearby. But it ended soon enough. I gave it my all. The lesser Nobodies never knew what hit them.
The ground did little to cushion my fall. Then, the dark tendrils appeared, confirming that this had been my last chance after all.
Time's ticking away, and there's barely a moment left before I'm gone for good.
And now, next to Sora, I feel…sad.
This darkness is taking me apart: melting me away into the Nothingness where we Nobodies 'rightfully' belong. I'm losing it…everything. My body, my vision—it's all fading faster than I'd like it to. What can I do to help this kid while I've got the strength?
I guess an apology is in order first. I stole the thing most precious to him, after all. Strange as it is to say it, I get how that feels. And I hate it.
Well, no use crying over spilt milk. And this milk is definitely spilt. There's no going back. It's over.
"Axel? What were you trying to do?"
Man, is he just like you, or what. And yet, so different. My mind's going now…all mental barriers, the safeguards and secrets, none of that matters all of a sudden. And for the first time in a long time, the whole truth comes out without so much as a pause.
"I wanted to see Roxas. He…was the only one I liked. He made me feel—like I had a heart. It's kinda…funny. You make me feel…the same….."
As the words leave my mouth, a sudden wave of emotion crashes into me. Those eyes…they weren't Sora's. The grief and terror that flashed for just a second…
Quickly I shut my eyes and turn away.
I'd forgotten how unreliable tears can be.
The darkness is on the last lap, and there's just no time for this sentimental stuff. I open my eyes again and already you've disappeared behind your blue cage. But, you chose this, didn't you? Maybe it's not a cage. Maybe you're home.
But if Sora is trapped here, so are you.
I've gotta get him outta here.
"Kairi's in the castle dungeon." With everything I've got left I bend a dark corridor into existence, forcing it to steady out as I take in one last breath. "Now go!"
As I slip away, swallowed, gone…I hear a voice mirrored in another's.
See ya, Roxas.
Sure hope you've….got me….memorized.
"Axel….."