Porcelain Heart
Spencer stood on the steel stairs outside the door of Toby's flat above the Brew, desparetely wanting to make sense of what she discovered in her kitchen earlier that night.
"Will you... Will you just tell me that what I saw tonight wasn't real? Please!" She was on the verge of tears, failing to contain her voice from cracking by the immensity of her anguish. "Please tell me that there's more to the story. That there's something that I don't know. Please, Toby. Please... Toby."
The only sound that came from Toby's apartment was the sound of classical music. He chose to ignore her pleas, and deep down she knew what that meant. He refused to face her, to help her make sense of this, and ultimately she knew she had been betrayed.
As the revelation hit her, she let her body slide down the door until she was crawled up in the corner of the banister, bawling her eyes out... and he just let her!
That was the night something inside of Spencer changed.
It beats so strong like a melody
Where do I belong
You keep spinning me round, round, round
Don't want to come down, down, down
I'd love to play along in this harmony
Hear them sing along
You keep making me dance, dance, dance
We got them in a trance, trance, trance
Spencer sat in the seat by the window in Emily's room while her best friends were sitting on Emily's bed. They could tell something was off with Spencer, but she seemed distant and somehow discouraged from talking. They were there, though, and that had to be it for now.
It was raining outside, and Spencer was watching the raindrops as they travelled down the glass of the window. She felt so empty, beside herself. She didn't know how to tell her friends what had happened. She had attempted to open her mouth to say something a couple of times, but nothing audible came out.
Her heart still beat for Toby, and it probably always would. It was her own fault, wasn't it? She had been so head over heels in love with him, clouding her ability to pick up on the fact that it had to be too good to be true, and in the end it turned out to be.
She knew her friends wouldn't believe her if she ever found the words to let them in. They saw Toby as this good guy who treated Spencer so great. They would never believe he had it in him to hurt her, let alone be on the -A team. They wouldn't understand. They would foolishly try, but they wouldn't be able to.
How could someone as smart as Spencer not prevent something as simple as heartbreak? Why was she sitting there so close to her friends, but yet so far? And why was everything reminding her of Toby? Why was even the rain reminding her of him?
"What are you doing here, goof?" Spencer said as she opened the window to her room and stuck her head out to look down at Toby. He was standing in the yard in the view of Spencer's room, rain pouring down. "It's pouring rain. You're gonna get sick, Toby."
"I don't care." Toby said with that boyish grin of his, the one that would make any heart melt. "I thought about you, and then I had to see you!"
Spencer took in the romance of it all. She didn't care that the arm that held the window open was getting wet, or that her hair was getting wet for that matter. The warmth in her heart would compensate for that.
She giggled at his sillyness, despite it being crazy romantic. "Why?"
"Do you hear that?" Toby asked instead, and Spencer listened intently, and through the rain she was able to hear a melody coming from Toby's car in the driveway that also had its window down. "That's our song."
Spencer listened more carefully to the melody. It was beautifully constructed, but despite it being more difficult to hear through the rain, she didn't believe she knew the song. Beautiful as it was, it was still unknown to her.
"Toby, I've never heard that song in my life. How can it be our song?" Spencer said with an uncontrollable smile that had been present throughout their entire conversation. She just couldn't contain it when he was being so lovable. "We don't even have a song."
"We do now!" Toby announced with his trademark grin, and with that it became their song. "Are you coming down, Spence?"
Spencer was a bit hesitant. "But it's pouring down."
"Please?" Toby tried to his best to sway her answer to be yes, and he was doing a great job with those innocent puppy eyes of his. "I'm practically standing in the rain with our song blasting through the speakers of my car, confessing my love for you!"
"You love me?" Spencer asked, stunned. She loved him, and she was sure he had feelings for her, but she wasn't expecting to hear it right there. He nodded his head to confirm this, and her heart started beating like crazy. "Okay, I'm coming down now."
It didn't take long for Spencer to run out of her room, down the stairs, and finally out in the garden to be with Toby. When she stood before him, her beating heart picked up its pace. He was standing there looking as handsome as ever, despite being soaking wet. It was a good look for him, really. But then again, what look wasn't?
"Hi." Spencer said with a loving smile, gazing into Toby's gorgeous blue eyes that were filled with so much emotion. She was already soaked, but standing there with him, she didn't care.
Toby grabbed her arm and pulled her into his strong arms in a tender embrace to get the love he felt for her across. "Hey you. Dance with me!"
She looked at him with surprise in her eyes. "What? Here? Now? It's pouring and freezing, and we're already soaked."
"I know, and it's romantic as hell." He said with that charming grin of his, the one that was sure to make Spencer weak in the knees every time. "What else are you supposed to do with the girl you love?"
That was second time during their short encounter that rainy afternoon that he had proclaimed his love for her. Without a word she draped her arms around his neck, and he lowered his embrace to her waist, and then they just stood there in her garden, slow dancing in the rain to 'their song'.
She gazed into his affectionate eyes once more, and then she used her arms around his neck to pull his face down to hers and placed a tender kiss on his lips. She had felt all of her kisses with him, but she could tell that this one meant so much more. He had her heart, she just hoped he wouldn't break it.
"I love you too, Toby."
Spencer placed her hand on the glass of the window, and it was cold from the rain, but it took her right back to that day, and how he made her feel. It made his betrayal hurt so much more. How could he do that to her? Had their whole relationship been a lie?
She felt herself tearing up, reminiscing about that day with Toby in the rain. She had never been a fan of rain, but since that day she felt overjoyed whenever it was pouring down. Now she felt definite hate when she looked at it because it made her feel things she had hoped never to feel.
She had never been in love before until Toby, which meant she had never had her heart broken before... until Toby. He had sent her through a loop of emotions with his betrayal, and the fact that he wouldn't face her afterwards and set the record straight. He just let her sit outside his loft, bawling her eyes out.
All these thoughts had consumed her since that night, and she wasn't sure how she even got dressed that morning. How she got out the door. How she had the strength to hang out with the girls at Emily's and pretend nothing was wrong, but they had to know. She hadn't been doing her best to cover up the fact that something was wrong, she just hadn't been able to put it into words to express to her friends what was wrong.
She couldn't remember the sound of her own voice. It had been that long since she had last spoken to someone. She wasn't sure she had said anything since that night, but if she figured out how to use her voice again her friends would be the first to know.
She couldn't stay there, though. She wasn't fun to be around this present time, she knew that, and she couldn't put her friends through her gloomy disposition anymore. It wasn't fair to them. They knew something was up, and she wouldn't speak to them, and they were still so sweet to her.
She had to work through this on her own. She had to try and make sense of this. She had to get on the top of things again, and then she'd involve her friends in it, but not now. She wouldn't let them in and truly see her like this, the weakest link. She just couldn't.
She removed her hand from the window and stared at her fingers, still reliving that day. She could feel herself getting teary, but she fought it. She jumped off the window seat and put her hands in her pocket, and then she saw her friends watching her.
They pretended not to. Hanna quickly pulled out her cellphone and pretended to be texting instead. Emily showed Aria something in a book to cover up the fact that they had been staring at their clever friend as well.
Spencer didn't care. She walked past them without a word, and then she headed home in the rain.
As good as gold
A traded soul
But I wouldn't change a single thing
My only friend
Let's dance again
But please don't break my porcelain heart
"Why is crazy bitch smirking at you like that?" Aria asked as she placed her food tray at their usual lunch table and dumped into one of the seats. Crazy bitch being Mona, of course.
Spencer shrugged, and then Hanna occupied the seat next to Aria. "She's pulled something on you, hasn't she? Bitch thinks she fools us with her act of innocence. I'm not buying!"
Spencer shook her head to say no as Emily's joined the table and took a seat. "I agree with Han. If bitch wants to dance, let's dance."
The clever girl shook her head again. It had been a week since she had stormed off from Emily's, and she still hadn't learned to use her words again. She'd been beating herself up about everything, and she had come to the conclusion that it had to be her fault. It had to be something that she'd done.
She had this amazing guy. What they had was as good as gold if not better, and she ruined it with all of her secrets. She had one of the good guys, and she broke him. She forced Toby to join forces with evil. He broke her trust because she made him, and Mona had to know that.
Mona was sitting at a table far from Spencer and the girls, smirking like Aria had pointed out which had to mean she knew something, and why wouldn't she? -A was everywhere, literally. Surely she got a kick out of seeing Spencer suffer like this.
What Spencer wouldn't give to go back in time and take everything back. What she wouldn't give to erase the past and let him all the way in. What she wouldn't give to go back to that day in the rain and just dance with him again. If she was able to, though, would she change a single thing?
They wouldn't have been them if she did, and she wanted them to be again if she could just get a reasonable explanation from Toby. There had to be one, right? And if there was, and they got the chance to dance again, she would let him all the way in.
She knew he left her stranded outside his loft that night, but maybe he was just as heartbroken as she had been? Maybe she hadn't seen or talked to him yet because he was working up the courage to face her again, and when he did then maybe there'd be a chance for them again.
If they got to be them again, if they got to be Spoby again, she'd tell him everything, and she'd answer all of his questions. She would answer the big ones as well as the little, she would even answer the ones she'd shrugged off as him being a goof.
Toby was lying in Spencer's bed with his girlfriend's head resting on his well-trained chest, listening to his heart beating. He had his arms around her, and they were watching the rain falling down outside her window.
"Isn't it funny that every single one of our romantic moments have happened during rain?" Spencer whispered while drawing circles on Toby's chest with her finger. She could do this forever.
"I'm not laughing." Toby whispered back, and then he kissed the top of her head, taking in her smell. Her hair smelled like cherry, it always did. "But maybe it's a sign that something epically romantic is about to happen between us."
"Like what?" Spencer asked, curiously. "We're lying in my bed in the middle of the afternoon, staring at the rain. It doesn't exactly scream epic love story."
Toby chuckled in that moment when Spencer's logic kicked it. He loved that she was driven, that she was insanely smart, but mostly he loved the way she loved him. It was cheesy to think like that, but it didn't erase the fact. If they could spend forever like that then he'd be more than satisfied.
"That's the thing, Spence..." Toby said, challenging her logic the way he so often did. "... we write our own love story, and if we want it to be epic, let's make it epic."
Those words brought a smile to Spencer's lips, although Toby couldn't see it in the position they were lying in, but she somehow knew that he could tell anyways. He was like that.
Spencer had never imagined that she would be so in love with Toby Cavanaugh. He was beyond her logic, but she didn't care. If she was a jigsaw puzzle, he was the missing piece, and to her that was what mattered.
"I suppose that's true." Spencer said as she sat up in the bed to be face to face with the love of her life, thus removing herself from the comfortable position her and Toby had been lying in before. "How do you propose we make it epic?"
Propose. The word echoed inside his head while his heart beated a couple of times more per second because he was in the presence of the girl he loved, and then he remembered the thought he'd had earlier. 'If they could spend forever like that then he'd be more than satisfied'.
He looked her straight in the eyes without shifting his eyes from the gaze to get his seriousness across. "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
A stunned look featured Spencer's face, and when Toby's didn't move his gaze, she got up from the bed and started pacing back and forth in her room. When they had talked about epic love, this wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind. He caught her completely off-guard which he often did when he was being his insanely romantic self.
Of course they'd had the baby talk before, and that sort of implied the marriage talk, but they weren't out of High School yet. Well, he kind of was, being a carpenter and all, but she was still in High School. They couldn't be doing this.
Sure, she'd want to marry him some day, but they were only 17, and people didn't do that. They had plenty of time for that later. They would just have to do something else that fell into the category of being epically romantic.
She stopped in the middle of her pace and turned around to face Toby again, and he was still looking at her and seemed as serious as ever. She loved him for it, and she loved the fact that he wanted the rest of his life to be with her, but she was still only 17.
The look in his eyes didn't change, and everyone knew him to be as loyal as a puppy, and right then and there she decided she couldn't break his heart by shooting him down. Instead she decided to act as if she thought he was only joking.
"I think you hurt more than your arm when you fell from the scaffolding." She said, and then she cracked a smile she hoped would come off convincing to support her act. "You're being a goof, mr. Cavanaugh, but I love you for it."
She found herself tearful yet again upon reminiscing her past with Toby, and her friends had stopped eating and just sat there, staring at their friend with concern in their eyes. Spencer was usually the one who had it together.
What would you say if I asked you to marry me? The words played over and over again in her mind, and each time she changed the memory to one where she always replied with an "I will!"
She didn't care about age anymore. Love was love, and she just wanted him. If her friends knew the truth they'd probably think she'd be stupid to want that. They would probably only see his betrayal, but she saw more than that. She saw something she drove him to.
Sure, she had seen it as betrayal at first, but she had digested it, and if she ever got to speak to him again they'd be able to work past it. They would get past this bump in the road, and they'd be able to move on to something better again.
There was also the other possibility that she'd lost him forever. The more likely possibility, the one that broke her heart and brought her to tears whenever she thought of him. The more realistic one. The one she chose not to think about, but always crept up on her when she took a trip down the memory lane of their relationship.
"Spencer, what's going on? Please talk to us." Aria pleaded when she saw their fierce best friend go from teary to actually crying her eyes out at the lunch table. "C'mon. You can tell me anything. We're team Sparia, remember?"
Hanna handed their crying friend a tissue which she accepted and dried her eyes with a sigh, and then she finally managed to find her words again to say this; "Toby and I broke up."
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Spencer decided to see if Toby was at his parents' house since she hadn't been able to catch him at his loft. Unfortunately Jenna Marshall lived there, but hopefully she wouldn't run into the formerly blind girl.
The guilt of what they had done to her back in the day had been excruciating, but Jenna had done some pretty awful things herself. She was just as bad as them if not worse, considering what she put Toby through. And then she'd had some eye surgery that she claimed hadn't worked, and she had pranced around in Rosewood, pretending to still be blind when she in fact could see. Who did something like that?
Seeing Jenna Marshall was a price Spencer was willing to pay if it meant that she'd be able to speak with Toby again, and that's why she was standing outside the Cavanaugh house after school.
She had somehow managed to conjure up some words to explain what she had decided to do after school, and her friends had offered their support, but this was something she had to do on her own. This wasn't an ambush. She appreciated the thought, though.
She had never liked the house, at least not after the Jenna thing had happened. It reminded her of her shortcomings, being that she only began standing up to Ali after that night. She should have begun way before that night. That could've changed not only the way Jenna saw them, but it could also have prevented the mess she was currently in.
She was somehow possitive that Toby joining the -A team had something to do with them letting him take the fall that night. He hated their guts after that, but she had somehow convinced herself that his friendship with Emily, and later the love he shared with Spencer would have changed that. Evidently not.
She followed the path to the house and climbed up the few steps to the porch. Jenna's window was open, and she appeared to be playing that creepy flute of hers in there. It was a beautiful melody, but when Spencer thought about who was playing it she was instantly creeped out.
Hesitating for a bit, Spencer finally knocked on the door with a heavy sigh, mentally preparing herself for what was to come. The music stopped as soon as she had knocked on the door, and she knew right then that there'd soon be a Spencer/Jenna showdown.
It didn't take long for someone to open the front door of the house, that someone being Jenna. You could instantly see in Jenna's green pools what she thought of Spencer, disgust being one of them. Spencer didn't care, though. This was about Toby.
She fidgetted with the rim of her schoolbag, nervously stuttering out the words as she had only just found a way to use them again. "Is, uhm... Is Toby here?"
"He was." Jenna said, cryptically as usual. She wore that evil signature grin of hers, like she thrived on Spencer's apparent misery. "He's out right now, but I think I can say with certainty that he doesn't wanna see you."
"Did he say something about me?" Spencer wanted to know, attempting (but failing) to hide her sadness upon hearing those words. It hurt beyond words that he didn't wanna see her because she so desperately wanted to see him.
"He didn't have to." Jenna said, still with that disgusting smirk of hers. "I knew from the start that his infatuation with you would end eventually when he realized exactly who you are. I guess that happened, huh?" She vindictively watched her words sink in, and then she continued her rant; "You guys lie and pretend to be these decent people that you're not. You're fake as hell, and you don't care who you hurt. You'll stomp on anyone and do anything to get exactly what you want. You don't deserve Toby! You never did."
"Well, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?" Spencer shot back, regaining her composure. One was to insult Spencer, but to make such an obvious attack at her friends was where she drew the line. And who was Jenna to talk about Toby like that, considering what she had done to him? The formerly blind girl had turned on Spencer's battlemode. "How is Noel by the way, now that we're talking fake? And how dare you talk about what Toby deserves, considering what you did to him? I got someone broken, and I tried fixing him with love. That I failed doesn't mean I never deserved him. You can attack me all you want, but my love for him is something I won't let you tarnish!"
Jenna let out a contemptuous chuckle to match that evil grin of hers. "You really are a righteous bitch. How dare you?"
"How dare I?" Spencer asked with disbelief. She couldn't believe that nerve on that girl, but considering Jenna's trackrecord Spencer wasn't surprised. She decided to put on the bitch robe that she had just been accused of. "Maybe you should be a little more careful, Jenna, considering what I know. It would be awfully embarrassing if it got out, wouldn't it?"
Jenna squirmed, but tried not to let it show. She still felt like she had the upperhand despite Spencer's threat. "You do that, and what you guys did to me might get out."
"Oh, but that was Ali, remember? Because she saw something disgusting, what was that again?" Spencer questioned, pulling the bitch act off rather convincingly. Ali would have been proud. "If you insist on this game, you should really know what you're playing with."
She wasn't getting anywhere. The only thing she had accomplished by being there was being insulted by Jenna, and then of course insulting her right back, but she hadn't seen or talked to Toby which was the main reason she was there in the first place.
Deciding this was a waste of time, she walked away from Jenna and the house without a word. She could feel Jenna's glare in the back of her neck, and the bitch should be scared. Spencer wasn't herself these days, and it was easier to light unusual fires inside of her, and that was what Jenna had done.
She turned left when she reached the sidewalk in front of the house, beginning the walk home from Toby's old house that she knew so well. Barely had she begun the way home when she saw Toby walking towards her (well, probably the house) on the sidewalk.
Her face lit up, and her heart filled up with hope. She was gonna talk to him, and hopefully figure out what was going on. It had to be a cruel misunderstanding. He wasn't evil, he couldn't be. He was Toby.
Toby didn't notice her until she stood right in front of him with a smile. "Hi."
"What are you doing here, Spencer?" Toby asked in a demanding tone of voice which surprised Spencer to say the least, but she brushed it off as imaginary.
"I came to see you." Spencer said, tears of joy forming in her eyes. She was so happy to see him, and that he was actually talking to her. "I've missed you."
She tried to give him a hug, but he pushed her away. He had this weird gleam in his eyes, like he had signed off from them. Like he had actually chosen evil. "I thought I made it clear to you that night. We're through, and you know why."
He walked off, leaving Spencer in tears that had now changed from joy to pure anguish. She wanted to yell something after him, but his words had caused hers to disappear again. He had crushed her.
Everything, she had hoped wasn't true, was. She couldn't live in her blissful naivity anymore. She had to face the facts: Toby was on the -A team. He had betrayed her. He really had chosen evil. At that realization she experienced a pain in her heart that she had never felt before. It felt like someone had jammed their hand into her chest and was now trying to rip out her heart to crush it.
She wanted to fall to the ground and just cry, but she couldn't do that there. She wouldn't give Jenna, Toby or anyone else the satisfactory of seeing her break, although it had to be obvious.
Instead she walked home while desperately trying to hold in her tears. As she walked off, a car parked nearby that she hadn't noticed drove off in an opposite direction of where she was headed.
Never felt so much electricity
You shot her down, don't do that to me
Bang, bang, bang
Just because you can, can, can
We kicked off so quick
Too much chemistry
I need my seatbelt fixed
You're making me learn, learn, learn
To love the way it burns, burns, burns
Spencer remembered the day she claimed that Jason was up to something. 'You don't drape over your windows unless you have something to hide' or something like that. She saw the irony in it when she had in fact done the same to her own windows.
It was the first thing she did when she had seen Toby that day which was now a week ago. She did see the irony, yes, but she didn't give flying tuck about it. She didn't want to see the world outside, and she didn't want the sunlight to stream in through her windows.
She had checked out completely. It wasn't like she hadn't been dumped before, but her relationships in the past hadn't been of the same calibre as the one she'd had with Toby. He had proposed to her for crying out loud.
She had fallen so hard, so fast in love with him which was what made it so heartbreaking. Everything inside of her ached, and despite the betrayal, the heartbreak, the downwards spiral she found herself in, she still felt a tiny glimpse of love and hope somewhere deep inside of her. She hated that because it meant she was nowhere near being okay again.
She hadn't been to school in over a week. It was uncharacteristic for a Hastings to act indifferent in regards to educational institutions as they usually resulted in 'academic bling' as her friends had refered to it. She didn't care about that anymore. It seemed shallow to her now. Academic accomplishments didn't say anything about a person's character, and being well-educated didn't make you better than anyone else. If the Hastings could hear her thoughts...
Her friends hadn't been around either, but that was down to Spencer. It wasn't that they hadn't attempted to contact Spencer, she had just shot down all their efforts. She didn't need their sympathy or their pitying eyes. She wanted to suffer in peace, thank you very much.
She looked a mess. She couldn't remember the last time she actually showered, and she had forgotten which side was warm and which was cold in the shower. She would have to re-discover the bathroom later on when she was done grieving, and there was no way of knowing when that was gonna be.
And he, Toby, had promised her that he would never shoot her down like that. Her heart beat so hard for him, and the chemistry that they had at times scared her, but she loved it that way! Things got heated between them fast, and it was a crazy, exciting ride to be on with him, and then he took it away just like that. He promised he wouldn't, but he did. He wasn't the Toby she knew anymore, she didn't know who he was at this point...
Spencer was going over to Toby's house to help him study. She had purposely forgotten her French book. She enjoyed talking to Toby, and if she was honest with herself, she could feel in her heart that she was starting to fall for him.
She hadn't intended to fall for him, but when did anyone intend to fall for someone else? She had sought him out and offered to tutor him with an ulterior motive, and then he wasn't like she had expected him to be. He was so much more.
She had expected him to closed and angry, but he wasn't. He was more open than she had anticipated, and he was such a strong person. He had been wrongfully accused of Alison's murder, but he kept on living. He was strong, but quite sensitive, too. There was a pain in his eyes from everything that he had been through, a look that bore into Spencer at times and made her heart beat twice as hard for him.
She reached his house. How could a house that had so much evil in it contain such a beautiful soul as well? The window to Jenna's room was open as usual, but there was no creepy sound of flute music. There was however a lot of yelling.
Toby stormed out of the house, and was caught up by Jenna. She stopped him from leaving the premises, and then she wrapped her arms around him in a way she had wanted to be romantic, but he forcefully grabbed her arms and pushed them away from his body.
"Jenna, you can try whatever you want, and say whatever you want to whoever you want, but I will never touch you like that again." Toby said, hatred shining through his otherwise sensitive eyes. "As I recall, I never wanted to touch you like that in the first place."
Jenna seemed oblivious, either that or she just refused to her him. "Is this about Spencer? Toby, she won't..."
"Don't talk about Spencer!" Toby cut her off, raising his voice at her. "She's sweet to me, so don't you dare! As a matter of fact, why don't you stop talking to me altogether and leave me alone? I don't want you, Jenna. I've never wanted you!"
"Toby!" Jenna yelled after him as he walked away from her, but he ignored her and kept on going.
He noticed Spencer standing on the other side of the picket fence, and a smile featured across his face at the sight of her. He looked like Toby again, the Toby she had grown to love.
He walked up to Spencer and gave her a hug, and she loved the feeling of his strong arms around her. They pulled apart and stood in silence, looking at each other.
After awhile Toby finally broke the silence and spoke. "So, French?"
"I, uhm... I forgot my book." She said, and Toby smirked at her as if he knew she had done it on purpose. A silence washed over them again, but this time Spencer broke it. "That looked pretty intense, the thing just now with Jenna."
"Yeah, I know." Toby replied, brushing the encounter with Jenna off with a chuckle. "I can't exactly say that I'm a fan."
"Neither am I." Spencer said even though she knew he already knew that, but she was kind of nervous by what she had just witnessed between the two stepsiblings, although she shouldn't really be surprised at this point. "I just hope you'll never shoot me down like you just did with her."
That boyish, lovable grin of his played across his features again, and he had a warm glint in his eyes. "Not a chance!"
"How do you know?" Spencer asked, frowning so much that worry lines became visual on her forehead. She was scared that when the time came he would shoot her down like he had just done with Jenna. She didn't think she'd be able to bear something like that with the way she was feeling about him.
"Because..." He paused with the sentence barely begun, taking one step closer to Spencer so they were only a few inches a apart. "... I'll never look at her like this!"
The expression in his eyes changed to something Spencer had never seen on him before, and then he closed the gap between them by placing his soft lips on hers.
It had been their first kiss, and she remembered it as being unbelievably satisfying. She had trusted his words back then, but that just proved how foolish and stupid she had been. How could she ever trust again after Toby's betrayal. How could she ever love again for that matter?
She could feel herself tearing up at her memories of Toby, but she refused to cry. All she did these days was cry, and if he was gonna work with Mona then he didn't deserve her tears... or her love!
Someone knocked on the door to her room, and she was tempted to scream at them to go away, but it probably wasn't a family member because they couldn't care less about her so she refrained. Instead she kept quiet and hoped whoever was on the other end would get the hint and go away.
No such luck. The door opened, and Aria stepped inside Spencer's room, a worried look in her big eyes. Spencer wasn't in the mood to talk, and she surely wasn't in the mood for pity.
"What are you doing here, Aria?" The hollowness inside of Spencer, the part where her love for Toby had been, took over, and she bit at her tiny friend.
Aria plastered on a smile in the hopes that it would somehow rub off on her broken friend. "I thought you could use some team Sparia right about know."
Spencer put on a fake look of surprise, and before she knew it, nasty words flew out of her mouth; "No, I mean what are you doing here? You're usually so deeply absorbed in the world of Ezra that you don't give a damn about your friends."
"That's not fair, Spencer!" Aria teared up. She knew she spent a lot of time with Ezra, but flat out saying that she didn't care about her friends was crossing a line. "I know that I'm with Ezra often, but I will always be there for my friends when they need me. I know Toby broke your heart, but lashing out at me won't mend it."
"I'm sorry." Spencer mumbled, looking down. She knew she had been acting uncharacteristic lately, but at times she couldn't help it. She honestly didn't want to lose her friends, although it could seem like she was trying everything to push them away. "I could use some team Sparia, too."
Aria smiled and sat down at the foot of Spencer's bed, placing her hand on top of Spencer's as symbolic way of saying 'I'm here for you'. The once fierce girl tried to smile back at her tiny friend, but it came across as sad. She tried at least.
"Fine, you got it. Now let me in, Spencer." Aria said, her concerned eyes bore into Spencer, but she knew the artistic girl was refering to the Toby thing, and she wasn't ready to tell.
"I don't wanna talk about Toby." Spencer said, hoping to change the subject somehow. "Why don't you tell me what's going one with you instead."
Now Aria was the one who was being evasive. "You don't wanna know." Spencer shot her a saying look that demanded her to go on. "Fine, it's about Ezra. Do you still wanna know?" Spencer nodded, and Aria continued; "I still haven't told him that he has a kid. I'm afraid of what it might do to us."
"I think you should tell him." Spencer said, but Aria didn't seem convinced so the smart girl elaborated her advice. "You should tell him before anyone else gets the chance. The longer you keep the secret, the worse it's gonna be. All of your secrets might change him if you don't come clean. Sure, he'll be mad that you kept it from him at first, but then he'll digest it and realize how difficult it was for you to tell him, and then it's gonna be alright." Spencer was sort of glad to see that her words had helped her best friend, and when she thought Aria's mind was elsewhere she muttered under her breath; "At least he's not on the -A team."
Aria's eyes widened and became surprisingly bigger, if that was even possible. She had to have heard wrong. "What did you just say? Is that why you've been... Is Toby on the -A team? Is he working with Mona."
Spencer looked away to avoid Aria's gaze, and that was all the confirmation the tiny girl needed. She welled up on behalf of her best friend, and then she gave her a hug that she hoped would comfort her at least a little it.
"I'm okay..." Spencer unconvincingly tried, but Aria wasn't buying it.
"No, you're not okay. I can't imagine what it must be like." Aria said as she pulled away from the hug, sympathy in her eyes. She wanted for anything in the world to make Spencer's pain go away, but she didn't quite know how yet. "You should have come to me. I could've have been there for you."
Spencer teared up, and this time she couldn't fight them back, and they began travelling down her cheeks. "I didn't come to you because I didn't want to believe it was true. I kept believing that maybe I had gotten it wrong, that maybe there was more to the story..."
"Maybe there was..."
"No, there wasn't. I tried talking to him, and he basically confirmed that what I saw was true, and he treated me the way that he used to treat Jenna." She could barely get the words out through her tears, but the gates were open, and she had to keep going. "He shot me down like he shot her down, and he promised he wouldn't."
"You can't compare yourself to Jenna. She practically raped Toby, and what you did was love him." Aria tried her best to comfort Spencer, but all she could do was offer her words that didn't seem like enough. "Are you sure that there isn't more to the story? Are you sure that it wasn't all a misunderstanding?"
"Aria, he let me sit on the stairs outside his flat, begging him to tell me that there was more to the story, that I was somehow mistaken, but he ignored me while I bawled my eyes out. I tried talking to him about it later on, but he brushed me off." Spencer explained, crying more and more hysterically by each word. "So yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Aria knew her words weren't helping. She didn't know what else to do than to wrap her arms around her best friend and let the broken girl cry out on her shoulder, and that's what she did.
As good as gold
A traded soul
But I wouldn't change a single thing
My only friend
Let's dance again
But please don't break my porcelain heart
He was kissing her intensely and fiercely. Things were heated between them, and they both new where it was going. He gently led her to the bed, lying down one top of her, and the kissing got more passionate.
She hadn't been ready before, but she was ready now, and the way he looked at her made her feel secure about her decision to give herself to him completely.
But then his caring eyes changed into hollow pools, and he stopped kissing her. He looked her dead in the eye, and then he placed his hands around her neck and began choking her. She couldn't breath... She couldn't breath... She couldn't breath!
She escaped her nightmare in a state of complete horror. She touched her neck where Toby's hands had been in her dream. It had felt so real.
She couldn't connect with herself. There was an emptyness inside, and she couldn't control her own thoughts. It was in that state she removed the covers from her bed, getting up and walking into the bathroom.
She turned on the shower and stood in a trance until the water began to steam when it reached a boiling temperature. She stepped into the shower without removing her clothes and sat down on the tiled bathroom floor, the burning water pouring down on her.
She wanted to burn.
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Please don't break my porcelain heart
"How could you do that to Spencer?" Aria yelled furiously as she ran towards Toby. She had been following him around all day and waited to approach him until he was completely alone. "She is wreck because of you. She's more fragile than you think." Toby opened his mouth to speak, but Aria cut him off before he even uttered a word. "If you wanna have tea parties with Mona and her dolls, that's fine, but you break my friend's heart, I break your face."
Aria was the size of Thumbelina compared to Toby, but she was pissed off right now, and and that scared him enough to keep a respectable distance.
"Aria, you don't understand the situation!" Toby tried to reason with her, but he betrayed her best friend and broke her heart, and therefore she refused to listen to him.
"I understand enough." Aria shouted, taking a few steps closer to Toby. "All she did was love you, but you broke her heart, and now she's only a shadow of the old Spencer. She at home convinced that you despise her, like you do Jenna. You've shattered her completely, and I thought you loved her."
"I do love her!" Toby's hissed in a low tone of voice. He didn't want anyone implying that he never loved Spencer! "But Aria, we can't talk about this here!"
Aria was confused by Toby's lowered voice and his words along with it. "What are you talking about?"
"We're being watched. I'm always being watched." Toby whispered, walking nearer to Aria so she better could hear him. "I can't do the things I wanna do, or say the things I wanna say. Mona is watching me closely to make sure that I don't go back to Spencer. It's her plan to break Spencer because she knows I only joined the -A team to protect her. It's her twisted way of keeping me in check."
"So it's more important to you to keep up pretences than to mend Spencer's broken heart? A heart you broke in the first place?" Aria questioned, but she didn't stick around to wait for an answer. She began to walk away from Toby, leaving him to reevaluate everything.
You're breaking my
You're breaking my
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Why you breaking my?
Please don't break my porcelain
You're breaking my
Standing on the high-point that was the town limit of Rosewood, Spencer looked down at the town. How could such a small town be so dysfunctional and toxic, and how could someone like -A torment the girls and have no-one know?
She hated her life in Rosewood. She hated the secrets she had kept over the years, in the belief that it was what made her friendships with the other girls special, but all it was, was ammunition for -A.
She had been a victim of -A's torture in over a year now, and it was enough to break anyone. She had her friends, and hadn't it been for them, she probably would have broken sooner. No-one could handle being tormented that severely for that long.
Then there was her family, a family that claimed they loved her, but all that mattered to them was keeping up pretences that they were the only perfect, non-dysfunctional family in Rosewood. They were probably the least perfect, most dysfunctional family in the town!
Melissa was the perfect daughter, the favorite. Her parents never even attempted to hide it. When she had told them that Melissa's now dead husband had tried to kill her, they thought she was making it up and needed to see a shrink. They thought she was sick. She didn't want to live in a cold family anymore that didn't even want her.
It was all catching up to her. Alison's death, -A's torture, her cold-hearted family, Ian's murder attempt on her, the lies in her family. Everything! And then came Toby's betrayal. It had pushed her over the edge. She had tried to convince herself that it wasn't the case, that he still loved her, that everything was okay... but it wasn't.
She was still looking down at the town. It was long way down! She could jump, and she was going to. It didn't matter anymore, none of it did. It couldn't get any worse than it already was, and she was scared that right now, the way she was feeling, was as good as got. She couldn't keep going.
She took a step closer to the edge, preparing to leap into her death. She was about to jump, but someone stopped her. "Spencer, don't do it!" She turned around and saw Toby running towards her.
"Don't get any closer, Toby, or I'm gonna jump. I mean it!" She yelled to him, and he immediately stopped running. He didn't wanna lose her. "What are you doing here?"
"My heart led me here. It led me to you." He said, reverting back to his old romantic self. She was stunned by his words, but after everything he had put her through, she refused to believe him.
"Don't say stuff like that to me. Don't act like you still love me because if you did, you wouldn't have let me suffer the way I did and passively watch while it happened. You would have done something." She shouted, trying to ignore the tears forming in Toby's eyes. He had no right to cry, this was all his fault. "Spare me! You don't really love me, you just don't want me to jump!"
"You're right, I don't want you to jump, but that's because I do love you!" Toby said, speaking from his heart and at the same time trying to prevent the love of his life from jumping of a cliff. "You're right, there was more to the story. I only joined the -A team to protect you, but then Mona made it her mission to destroy you. I couldn't warn you or help you. My plan to protect you completely backfired, and I wanted nothing more then to tell you what was going on and assure you that I still loved you, but Mona was watching me constantly to make sure that I didn't come to your aid because she knew I was the one to mend you."
Spencer acted as if his words meant nothing to her. "Then why are you here now?"
"I don't care about the wrath of Mona anymore. I care about you, about healing your broken heart. I only care about you." He explained and tried to get closer to Spencer, but when he did she moved closer to the edge of the cliff. "I love you so much, Spencer, and I never wanted it to get this far. I never wanted to make you feel like I don't love you, that you're like Jenna to me. It will never be like that because you are Spencer Hastings. My Spencer."
Spencer glanced over her shoulder and down on the town, and then she glanced back at Toby. She still wasn't convinced. "I could still jump, you know."
Toby nodded his head, trying to remain calm even though he was panicking on the inside. "I know, Spencer, but that would break my heart more than yours is right now. I don't wanna live without you. If you jump, I jump." The expression in Spencer's eyes changed, and he could tell that he was getting to her now. He could tell she didn't want him to jump, and he didn't want her to jump. "How about we just talk?" He offered, and she accepted. "Okay, what are you thinking right now?"
Spencer looked away and wondered if she should tell what had played on her mind ever since that night, and when she looked back at him, her mind was made up. "I should have said yes."
"Excuse me?"
"Remember that day in my room when we were lying in my bed, and it was raining outside. You proposed to me, and I pretended like I thought you were joking." She revealed, but she had only needed to say it was that day in her room, and he had remembered which day she was refering to. He thought about that day all the time, as did she. "I've been thinking about that day a lot lately... About how you proposed, and how I should have said yes."
A silence fell over them. He had thought about that day, and how he had acted like it hadn't hurt him when Spencer took his proposal as a joke, and now he had learned she had only pretended to take it as a joke. That she had wanted to say yes.
"Say yes now." Toby broke the silence, giving Spencer a fright as he practically blurted it out in a very eager way. He desperately wanted her.
"What?"
"Say yes now." Toby repeated himself, smiling lovingly at Spencer who now stood before him, having subconsciously walked slowly away from the cliff and towards Toby during their conversation. "Spencer Hastings, will you marry me?"
"Yes!"
As good as gold
A traded soul
But I wouldn't change a single thing
My only friend
Let's dance again
But please don't break my porcelain heart
They were lying under the covers on the bed in Toby's apartment, Spencer's head resting on Toby's naked chest. Right then and there she felt so content. She didn't care what the world threw at her, she could handle it. She had great friends, and more importantly she had Toby to help her get through it, and she was gonna marry him
It was raining outside. It had been raining for the past two days. It had started pouring down right after Spencer had accepted Toby's proposal, there was just something about them and rain. Oddly enough, she wanted it to rain on their wedding day as well because that was always when their most romantic moments occured.
She had never pictured herself as the marrying type, but she couldn't wait to be Mrs. Cavanaugh. Spencer Cavanaugh. There was a ring to it, wasn't there?
Toby was 18, and she was 17. People would probably think they were crazy to get marry this young, but if you met your soulmate early, why should you wait until people thought you had an appropriate age. When it was right, it was right.
Her parents would try to interfere, she knew that, especially her lawyer mother, but she had decided on beforehand that her mother's point would be invalid. She did wonder, though, how they were gonna pull off a wedding without her parents' permission since she wasn't legal yet.
"Toby, are you awake?" She asked softly, and he replied with a 'hmm' sound, having almost dozed off when Spencer spoke. "I'm only 17, and I don't see the Hastings giving us their blessing in the future so how are we gonna get married."
"We could wait until you're 18, and..."
"I don't wanna wait!" Spencer quickly interrupted. She wanted to become his wife with all her heart, and her parents weren't gonna have the right to delay that. Her and Toby had wasted enough time being apart, and she wanted the rest of their lives together to start as soon as possible.
The room was silent as Toby thought every aspect of the situation over to find another solution to the marriage situation. If Spencer didn't want to wait, which by the way made him a very happy man, then what was left?
After having molded things over for a couple of minutes, he finally broke the silence; "You could get emancipated! That way you become your own person legally, and your parents can no longer decide over you. We could get married right away then."
"Emancipation? The Hastings aren't gonna like that..." She paused for a dramatic pause, and with a smirk she continued; "... which is probably the best part. I'll apply for it tomorrow."
Now that it had been decided, a silence entered the room again. Toby kissed the top of Spencer's head and wrapped his arms around her, and they quickly falled asleep.
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Please don't break my porcelain heart
Two weeks later, Toby and Spencer had gotten married, and her friends were seeing them off at the airport before they went on their honeymoon. Her friends had also been the only guests at their wedding which had been a very intimate ceremony.
"Toby, you've taught me so much about life.
You've proven so many clichés to be true,
And the most important one is; don't judge a book by its cover.
It was when I finally opened the book,
That I discovered you have the most beautiful soul.
A soul that I thank God every day was made for loving me.
You made me believe in soulmates,
Because I feel my soul drawn to yours every day,
And each day my heart beats stronger for you.
Loving you is the easiest thing my heart has ever had to do,
And I promise you that it will never stop,
So please don't break my porcelain heart."
"Spencer, I was broken when you met me,
But you pieced me back together with your love.
Before you I didn't have that beautiful soul,
You enhance all of my best qualities just by loving me.
I thought that love was always something dysfunctional,
But then you came along and showed me how beautiful it can be.
Now it is no longer something dark to me,
Because you showed me the light by giving me your heart,
Which beats with mine in a perfect harmony.
My heart, my soul, everything I am was made to love you
And I promise that I will always love you
I won't break your porcelain heart, goofball."
To anyone else it may have seemed weird to ask someone not to break their hearts in their wedding vows, but standing on their wedding day, looking at each other with tears in their eyes, Spencer and Toby had known exactly what those words had meant.
It was a line from that song Toby had played from his truck that day they said 'I love you' for the first time. It wasn't the happiest song in the world, and it didn't fit them as much back then as it did now. They had been through so much together, and it seemed more like their song now.
They had gotten married a few days ago and were boarding for their honeymoon that very day, and they remembered their past, saying 'we went through all of that, and we're stronger now', and so was Spencer's heart because of Toby.
She had thought Toby had broken her heart, but it turned out that -A had manipulated it to seem that way, and that Toby had infact tried to keep it together. She now new that Toby could never break her porcelain heart.
Her friends waved them off as they boarded the plane to go on their honeymoon in Paris.
The End
Disclaimer; I don't own Pretty Little Liars, nor do I own the amazing song 'Porcelain Heart' by the amazing Nicola Roberts, which is very beautiful, haunting song.
Well, I think this is the longest one-shot that I have ever written in my entire fanfiction carreer. I sincerely hope you don't give up on reading it half way through. I think that would be a shame.
I hope you guys like my take on the aftermath of Spencer's revelation of Toby's identy as 'A'. Towards in the middle/end she developed a self-harming/suicidal personality, which I must admit come from somewhere very personal. A while back I took a long break from fanfiction because of something very similar to that, although I minimized it a lot, a lot. I also made it more reader friendly. Those parts of the story doesn't have anything to do wtih my life story, though, and you're not here to hear about that. You are here because you've just read what I hope you think is an amazing Spoby attempt.
I admit I never intended to write a Spoby fic, but now that I have, I'm actually quite satisfied that I did. I'm relatively new when it comes to writing in the PLL fandom. I have previously written stories in the categories of High School Musical, Wizards of Waverly Place, One Tree Hill, and Berverly Hill, 90210. I entered into the PLL fandom with the intensions of writing for the Ezria ship, and I have written one Ezria fic which is also meant to have a sequel, but then I got sidetracked. One of my best friends is a huge Spemily shipper, and I wrote a Spemily fic in her honor. Then I was gonna start writing that sequel, but then this one-shot (not meant to be this long) popped into my mind, along with an Ezria one-shot, but hopefully I'll get to that sequel soon.
I have a lot of other stories in different fandoms currently in progress, some with chapters posted and some not. Maybe I'm being too ambitious, seeing as I'm currently trying to learn to speak Italian and play the piano as well, but what else am I supposed to do when I'm sidelined with a foot injury?
THANK YOU for reading this fic. I know my author's note is quite long, and the capital and bold letters were an attempt to get your eyes down here. Reading the entire author's note is your choice, but now I've got you down at the most important part at it: the thank you. So thank you! I hope you enjoyed reading it because I enjoyed writing, and I would love to know what you think about my take on things, perhaps in a review. I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything, but I do have that foot injury!
Again, thanks for reading, and please review :) .
Laters,
AK-tutti :)