This takes place somewhere between S0402 and S0403.
There will be no owning of "Chuck" in this story. Any resemblance to my owning "Chuck", while either alive or dead, is strictly coincidental. If an actual owning of "Chuck" was to occur, this story would immediately be followed by my maniacal laughter.
And on a separate note, any appearance of a "real" person in this story is not a depiction of a real person, but a version of that "real" person in a fictional character's mind. So there.
An Excess of Exes
The black hood was yanked off quickly, leaving a pair of frightened green eyes to survey her surroundings. There wasn't much to see. A small white room with only one door that was distressingly far away. A table in front of her held a small laptop. Standing behind the table was a woman. Olive complexion, dark hair, brown eyes that contained neither warmth nor kindness.
"Who are you? Why am I here?" the frightened woman asked, struggling against the ropes that bound her to the chair.
"Hello, Hannah," the other woman said. "You're here to help me."
"H-help you? Help you do what?"
"Well, I hear you're quite the whiz with computers. I need to access the records of some former employers of mine."
"Employers? Corporate espionage isn't really my thing!"
"Relax, Hannah. This should be easy. These employers are…out of business. It shouldn't be too hard."
"But it is illegal, isn't it? I won't do it." Hannah summoned up as much courage as she could to say this.
The other woman smiled humorlessly. "I think you will. I can assure you I can find many ways to hurt you. But if not you," she reached over onto the table, picking up a handbag. "I'm sure I can find someone else." She reached into the handbag, and removed a handful of photographs. Flipping through them, she said, "Let's see. Your parents, perhaps? Or is this your sister?" She help up a picture of Hannah side-by-side with a younger woman. "Or…" Suddenly, the woman's expression changed from cruel to one of shock. "H-how do you…" she held up a second picture, this one of Hannah standing next to a taller man, his arms around her.
"Oh, him? You can hurt him if you like. He's just an ex."
"An ex," Hannah's captor repeated, her voice quiet and emotionless.
"Yeah. It didn't work out. He was still in love with his ex."
"Oh?" The woman looked up, and Hannah saw what almost looked like hopefulness in her eyes.
"Yeah. I'd never have a chance competing with a woman like her. Tall, blonde, you know the type."
"Yes. I do." The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out a switchblade. Hannah tried to shrink back as she approached her, the knife pointing forward. But instead of cutting her, the switchblade cut through the bounds.
"Why are you letting me go?"
"It looks like you and I have something in common. I know Chuck Bartowski too."
"You know Chuck?"
"And I lost him to that scheming harridan just like you did." She put away the knife and held out her hand to Hannah. "Jill Roberts."
Hannah wasn't sure what to say, but she shook Jill's hand. "So now what?"
"Well, I think you and I should work together."
"But I don't want to help you hack your employer."
Jill waved a hand. "Forget about that. You and I need to work together to bring down Sarah Walker."
Hannah smiled, an expression similar to the cruel one Jill had been wearing earlier. "Sounds like a plan."
"Hold it! That would never happen."
Morgan didn't blink at Sarah's interruption. "Hey, you never know. Chuck's got a lot of exes. They could meet up at some point."
"Well, Jill has been on the run for more than a year. And it would take a lot more than an ex-Buy More employee to be able to access Fulcrum's records since the NSA has taken control of them. And what exactly do you mean by a lot?"
"Well, there was that long, dry spell before you. But before that, my boy did pretty well for himself."
"Really. Do tell."
Morgan stood up from the kitchen table, and headed over to the refrigerator. Since Chuck was having a bonding night out with his sister, he had found himself alone with Sarah for the evening. The CIA Agent was between missions, so Morgan figured this was the perfect time for some roommate bonding. Sarah hadn't been as thrilled by the idea, but when it became clear that no national crisis could save her, she had relented.
Morgan grabbed two more beers, and handed one to Sarah. "You know, maybe I should answer your question with a little parable."
"A parable."
Morgan chose not to be dissuaded by her skepticism. "Yes, Sarah. A parable. One I think you'll really appreciate."
The gavel slammed down on the table, and the various attendees of the meeting all looked up. The leader looked across the room, and nodded in satisfaction. Each of the chairs surrounding the vast round table was filled. It should be a productive meeting.
"Good evening. As you all know, my name is Jill Roberts, and I am the President of the AHWASW."
"The AHWASW?" Sarah interrupted. "What's that supposed to be?"
"The Assembly of Hot Brunettes Against Sarah Walker," Morgan replied.
"Seriously? That's the name you came up with? And all Chuck's exes are brunettes?"
"Well most of 'em. But the Assembly of Hot Brunettes and Occasional Redheads Against Sarah Walker is kind of unwieldy, don't you think?"
"It was already kind of unwieldy."
Morgan shrugged. "Fair enough. But I think you're missing the point. Let me continue."
"As I was saying, my name is Jill Roberts, President and founder of the AHWASW. As you all know, we are all assembled here to address the one and only item in our charter, the defeat and eradication of the She-devil, Sarah Walker." Jill pressed a button, and the blank screen behind her shifted to an image of Sarah with a large red X over her face.
There was a murmur of support from the assembled crowd.
"Now, our first item of business is to go around the room, and update everyone on the status of our current plans. Lou, why don't you go first."
Jill gestured to her right, and a shorter brunette stood up. "I have been working on Project Culinary Doom. The She-devil frequently comes to my deli to pick up a sandwich for lunch. I propose to make a slight adjustment to the recipe of her favorite sandwich, a…"
"Uh Sarah, what is your favorite sandwich?"
"No way, Morgan. I am not starting that conversation with you."
"But…"
"You'll have to make something up."
Morgan sighed. "Fine."
"I propose to make a slight adjustment to the recipe of her favorite sandwich, a peanut butter and tuna sandwich, by adding a special arsenic garnish."
"The She-devil is a trained agent, and will be able to recognize foreign substances prior to ingestion," Jill pointed out. "How will you mask its presence?"
"Horseradish and Tabasco sauce. Lots of it."
"I see." Jill looked over at the woman seated next to Lou. "Now, Hannah. How about you?"
Hannah stood up. "I plan to set up a fake Facebook account in the name of the She-devil. On it, I will make several objectionable posts."
"Objectionable posts? Please elaborate."
"For example, I will post messages about how the She-devil hates babies, likes to kick puppies, and thinks that Sandra Bullock deserved to be cheated on. Once he sees them, Chuck will be ashamed of her, and have no choice but to dump her."
"Interesting," Jill said after a moment. "And no death or dismemberment?"
"No, I'm focusing more on emotional pain. She will feel humiliated once she is abandoned and alone."
"Ok. But see if you can work a bit of death and dismemberment, and get back to us. Now, who's next?"
"I am," squeaked a high-pitched voice from behind Hannah.
"Ah yes. Rachel Madison. Please report."
"Who's Rachel Madison?"
"That would be Chuck's old high school girlfriend," Morgan responded. "He took her to the junior prom. She was kind of annoying, and, uh, not all that bright."
"I call my plan Operation Gossip," Rachel said, nervously fiddling with her corsage. "I plan to tell everyone that the She-devil secretly likes Art Dockery. She will be so embarrassed, and Chuck is so going to leave her." She giggled for a few moments, while the rest of the group waited patiently.
"Art Dockery?"
"Yeah, he was on the chess team with us. Total spazz."
"Chuck was on the chess team?" Sarah asked.
"Uh, yeah. I mean, no?" Morgan backtracked.
"Relax, I think it's cute."
"Ok, good. Most girls in high school didn't. Other than Rachel, at least."
"And why exactly is she in her prom dress anyway? She hasn't aged in 12 years in your story?"
"Hey, the parable is for teaching, not to dissect for continuity issues."
"Ok, sorry, Morgan. Please keep teaching." Sarah leaned back in her chair, her face a struggle between seriousness and amusement.
"Thank you."
"Ok, Rachel. We will keep your plan in mind. Now, next I believe we have…"
"Me." A tall man stood up, leading several of the woman to turn their heads. Rachel stared at him in appreciation. "Wow. He's almost as hot as Noah Wyle."
"Ah," Jill nodded. "You have the floor, Dr. Woodcomb."
"Devon? You think Chuck's brother-in-law is in love with him?"
"Well, it's possible, I mean look how excited he was when he found out that Chuck was a spy."
"I hardly think that means he's in love with him. He loves Ellie, and look how excited he was to find out he's going to be a father." Sarah studied Morgan, her blue eyes speculative. "Are you sure this isn't some wishful thinking on your part?"
"My part? I hardly know what you mean." Morgan's eyes focused on a kitchen cabinet beyond Sarah's head.
"Morgan."
"Ok, so maybe a small part of me wants to think of how his self-discovery would lead a distraught Ellie to look for comfort from someone who's always been there for her. You know, an old friend, or someone like that."
"I'm sorry Morgan. I'm just not seeing it."
"Whatever," Morgan pouted.
"Of course, I forgot," Jill said. "Mr. Woodcomb was forced to resign from the organization. Not awesome at all," she added. "Now, that brings up…Gillian Anderson."
"Another high school girlfriend?"
Morgan looked at Sarah in shock. "You mean you don't know who Gillian Anderson is? The X-files? Dana Scully? The voice of science and reason to Fox Mulder's frequent flights of fancy?"
Sarah shook her head. "I didn't understand a word of that."
"Honestly, what do you and Chuck talk about?"
"Well," Sarah smiled, "we don't always spend our time together talking."
"Ok, no details needed," Morgan protested.
Sarah chuckled at how easy it was to get a rise out of Morgan. "So you're telling me that Chuck dated a TV star?"
"No, of course not. She was his first crush though."
"Hmm, interesting." The FBI wasn't the CIA, of course, but Sarah found it comforting that Chuck had always gravitated to women that were packing heat.
Gillian Anderson stood up. "My plan is to seduce Chuck by offering him a role in the next 'X-files' movie. He will be grateful, and will quickly forget about the She-devil."
Jill looked skeptical. "Are you sure that will work?. I happen to know that Chuck was less than satisfied with the second movie. The plot lacked the necessary mythology scope needed to bring in the audience."
"The whole Mulder/Scully relationship was angst-filled, and lacked the passion we hoped for," Lou added.
"And the use of Skinner felt gratuitous more than anything," Hannah chimed in.
"I didn't see it," Rachel admitted.
"Morgan!"
"Huh?" Morgan looked up.
"I can't help thinking that you've lost the plot a bit."
"Oh, sorry." Morgan shrugged. "I guess that movie really bummed me out."
"Ok," Jill said, once the room had settled back down. "Everyone has some interesting ideas, and I look forward to what you will have for me next week. Though I strongly encourage a character amount of death and dismemberment in each plan. Now, our next item is to welcome a new member."
The door opened, and an older woman walked in.
"I'd like to introduce everyone to Diane Beckman."
"Whoa!" Sarah laughed. "Now General Beckman is in love with Chuck?"
"You mock, Sarah, but it could happen. Though I will admit it's much more likely that she's into Casey." Now both of them broke into laughter.
"Can you imagine it?" Sarah cracked up. "Colonel," she said, mimicking Beckman's crisp tone. "I don't think I can overstress the importance of this mission. The fate of the entire world rests on you. Now drop your pants."
Morgan snorted. "Oh yes, Colonel," he added in what was apparently supposed to be a husky-voiced General Beckman. "Oh please, don't stop. You make me so proud to be an American."
"Damn it, Morgan," Sarah said once she'd finally stopped laughing, "you do realize that there's no way I'm going to be able to keep a straight face at the next briefing."
"Sorry about that. Anyway…"
"Now, Ms. Beckman, I need you to repeat after me." The General raised her right hand.
"I, Diane Beckman, solemnly swear to do everything in my power to obliterate the She-devil's clutches on Chuck Bartowski. I promise to do all sorts of physical, mental and emotional harm to the She-devil when given the chance. I vow to make sure that the She-devil's life becomes an unending string of misery, despair, and despondency. I also vow to take part in all AHWASW fundraising, including the annual car wash and bake sale."
General Beckman dutifully repeated the words.
"Now, our meeting has come to a close. Please help yourselves to cookies and punch."
"So that's your parable?" Sarah sounded slightly disappointed. "I have to admit that I don't really see your lesson."
"My lesson is that you can't take anything for granted." Morgan leaned forward, pressing his palms on the kitchen table. "You never know what's going to happen. Tomorrow, something could go horribly wrong on a mission, or you could be hit by a bus, or you could be taken down by a faction of angry Chuck-loving brunettes."
"Ok."
Morgan could see that he wasn't reaching her. "So you can't let anything hold you back, when it comes to you and Chuck."
"This isn't going to be about that Achilles' heel theory of yours, is it?"
"No, no. It's not an Achilles heel because I know you too can get past it. I've always known that Chuck is totally head-over-heels for you. And living here, it's clear to me that you feel the same way."
Sarah didn't say anything at first, but finally nodded. Taking this for encouragement, Morgan pressed on.
"Well, let me tell you this. There's a lot of things in this world that scare me. I'm afraid of heights, I'm afraid of having a job I hate. I'm afraid of zombies, and being probed by an alien. Of Casey on most days. There's also Mrs. Robbins my eighth grade civics teacher, the prospect of Limp Bizkit reuniting, raccoons…"
"Raccoons?"
"Yeah. They'll eat anything." Morgan shuddered. "Eventually they'll realize people taste better than their trash. Then there's the prospect of walking in on my mom and Big Mike again, clowns, Jeff and Lester when they get…lonely, you sometimes."
"Me?" Sarah looked surprised. "I wouldn't hurt you." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Although, if you steal Chuck's condoms from his wallet again…"
"Man, how many times do I have to apologize for that? It'll never happen again, I swear!" Morgan took a swig from his beer. "Here's one thing that doesn't frighten me any more. Ever since the whole Anna thing, I'm not afraid to take a chance on somebody I really care about."
"I'm not..."
"Hey, still teaching here!" Morgan remembered Sarah's earlier threat and inched away from the table slightly. "Look, I get that you are this Badass super spy chick, and that's the kind of life you've always led. And that any type of life different from that might scare you." Morgan inched away again, just to be safe.
"But I think we both know how great Chuck is. If anybody would get that you aren't ready for all the family stuff, it's him. You and Chuck can work through that, together. But you won't be able to work through it together if you let him get away. And that seems like something that is much scarier than anything else." Morgan folded his arms around his chest, punctuating his point. Then he added, "Except maybe for raccoons."
Sarah sat there staring at her beer for a while, lost in thought. Morgan began to wonder if she was considering the proper Morgan-torturing technique when she finally spoke. "You're a good friend, Morgan. To Chuck. And to me."
"Well, I do what I can," Morgan said in relief.
"So that's it? The end of the parable?"
"I think I got my message across."
"Maybe, but I'm guessing you want to finish the story."
"Why? You didn't like the punch and cookies ending?" Morgan grinned. "Ok then. Here goes."
"So, that She-devil, huh? What a bitch," Hannah commented between bites of a cookie. "Wow, these are good!"
"You like them, huh?" Lou responded. "I made them myself. Chuck always liked my cooking."
Hannah's eyes narrowed. "Oh he does, huh? Well, the traditional suzy-homemaker thing is nice, I guess. But I think what Chuck really wants is an intellectual equal."
"Intellectual equal? I'll have you know I'm a small business owner. I have to know all about finance, record keeping. Now, being an unemployed computer geek, on the other hand…"
"Geek! I'll show you geek!"
Jill watched in bemusement as Hannah shoved Lou onto the table, spilling the punch. "Why does every meeting have to end like this? Guys, the focus is on the She-devil, not on who gets Chuck afterwards. Besides," she muttered under her breath, "you're both wasting your time. He's going to want to be with me."
"Oh please!" Hannah said, struggling to get Lou to let go of her hair. "How many times has he dumped you now? And you're a traitor to your country too. Total turn-off."
"Excuse me," Rachel said, standing behind Jill. "Can I go home now? I still have to finish my physics homework. Oh God."
Rachel backed away as General Beckman approached, brandishing the automatic weapon. "Enough of this," she snarled. "Chuck needs a woman with more experience."
"Actually, he doesn't need a woman at all." Devon said as he burst through the door. "Sorry I'm late for the meeting."
"Back off, Woodcomb," Jill snarled, before taking Gillian Anderson's right hook in the face.
"Hey, Chuck needs someone…awesome. And there's nobody more awesome than me. And if that means that my poor wife's heart gets broken, and she has to run to a faithful friend who, though small in stature, totally has me beat in the bedroom department, then so be it."
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go," Rachel said, backing her way out of the room. She hurried down the hallway and out the door. She had barely made it to the parking lot when the building exploded behind her.
"Wow." She said, briefly looking back at the wreckage. "That was loud."
She stood there watching the flames for a moment, before she turned around, a cunning smile on her face. "I guess Chuck will be mine after all."
She looked around at the deserted parking lot. "Now how am I getting home? I'm not supposed to drive after dark."
Well, there you go. I should probably resist the urge to write down every strange idea that pops into my head, but this one refused to die.
I hope everyone enjoyed it! If so, please review!