Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, except Rainbowhoof because she left him out in the story; she didn't want to make anyone feel anymore sorry for Neville than they already did.

Dearest fellow muggles;

This story in no way intends to degrade the hippogriffs of the wizarding world. Harry and I wish to tell the story of a hippogriff we know in person (not Witherwings/ Buckbeak). All other hippogriffs are totally cool.

Love from Ron and Harry

Once upon a time there was a hippogriff named Rainbowhoof. When he was young, all the other hippogriffs ignored him because he was a freak so when he grew older, he was really nasty and hated everyone else.

Because he was alone, he succumbed to the dark side where so many other lonely magical beasts and beings went. There was no one to teach him right from wrong; his own mother fed him with a slingshot because she didn't wish to go near him. What she fed him was not the ferrets that made the other hippogriffs beautiful; she fed him dead toads and flies.

The reason he fell to the dark side was also because in his loneliness and despair, Bellatrix Lestrange came to him in a dream and told him to join the forces of Mr. Dark Lord Digby. When he went to join the Death Eaters, he found Bellatrix and joined her at once. The two became inseparable, and when she rode on his back, they both enjoyed it in ways that weren't entirely appropriate in a relationship between hippogriffs and witches.

One hot summer day, Rainbowhoof and Bellatrix were stalking a lone, plump young boy who was heading home. Rainbowhoof was very turned on – fat children were his favorite victims. He and Bella followed the boy home. They watched him play with the kids in the neighborhood and try to be their friends. He failed. But from their conversations, Rainbowhoof found out the boy's name was Neville.

One day Neville was at the movie theater when his mom and dad and grandma. They were watching the Hannah Montana movie. Rainbowhoof and Bellatrix were spying on him a few rows back. Rainbowhoof was so turned on by the way Neville was sipping his drink that he couldn't wait any longer. He commanded Bellatrix to torture the boy's parents with the Cruciatus curse while he raped Neville. In a movie theater full of 5 year olds.

But suddenly out of no where came a boggart in the form of Bella Swan from Twilight. He was immediately turned off and stopped molesting Neville. Then Mr. Dark Lord Digby arrived and apparated Rainbowhoof away from the theater. Mr. Dark Lord Digby told Rainbowhoof that he must forever be turned into a snake because he didn't want people knowing that a hippogriff was in league with the Dark Lord. And for good measure (and because it matched his inner nature), Rainbowhoof was transformed into a girl snake. Mr. Dark Lord Digby named her Nagini.

Many years passed, and Nagini gradually forgot about her past life as a hippogriff named Rainbowhoof. She and Bellatrix, still joined at the hip, were Mr. Dark Lord Digby's most loyal of followers. They did his every bidding (some so horrible that it cannot here be described), and they gave no thought about anything but Mr. Dark Lord Digby's evil plot.

They were with him through his downfall and remained faithful supporters even when others thought that he had been killed by the Boy who Lived. They remained in hiding so as not to be caught (Bellatrix planted a decoy of herself to lose the Aurors who were following her) and continued to work for Mr. Dark Lord Digby's goals and ideas that he left behind.

When Mr. Dark Lord Digby came back to life, Nagini was the first to find him. Wormtail, another of the Death Eaters, found him too and helped him to regain his body. That was when Nagini first met Harry Potter, and she hated him at once. He knew that Harry Potter (who was friends with Neville) was a boy who would protect his friends to all lengths. Even though his love for Neville (and fat little boys) was from his old life, he still hung onto the feelings that he had for the poor boy. He did not want Harry Potter to protect his luscious Neville from him, therefore keeping Neville pure and un-snake-touched.

Harry Potter escaped from Mr. Dark Lord Digby, and Nagini was bitterly disappointed. She wanted the boy to be destroyed so that she could get to Neville, and she could rape all those that she wanted to rape.

Years passed, and eventually the Death Eaters went to Hogwarts to fight against the forces of good. Nagini, of course, went along, and when they saw the warriors that they were up against, Nagini was absolutely delighted. Her darling love, Neville, was standing in the crowd. She'd thought of him every day for many years, and finally, finally she got to see him again. Even when she'd forgotten about her old hippogriff self, her memories of Neville had remained.

When the fight began, Nagini headed straight for her lover, but Neville had become bitter toward animals of all kind since the attack Nagini had performed on him as a hippogriff, and he pulled out his sword. With a flick of his wrist, Neville beheaded the creature that had haunted so many of his worst nightmares. Blood spattered about, and Nagini's head dropped to the floor, lonely snake no more. The beast was finally dead.

The Hogwarts clan, after getting over many horrible deaths, was eventually able to rejoice in their victory. Nagini was joined in the Death Eater's circle of Hell by his love Bellatrix, and their master Mr. Dark Lord Digby. Nagini finally felt happy; she found a place for just the three of them where they all truly belonged. At long last, the world was complete, and Rainbowhoof the hippogriff, found his place.

The End

By the way, Mr. Dark Lord Digby is Voldemort, just in case you didn't get that. We call him that because our P.E. teacher is named Mr. Digby and we're pretty certain that he's the Dark Lord. We try not to say that to his face and anger him, though.

I hope you liked our story. We know it was pretty fucked up, but you had to know what really happened. Nagini kept a diary, so that's how we know all this information.

Peace, love, Harry Potter.

Ron and Harry