Elder Price is certain they are going to do it this time. They are kissing more passionately than ever before and they are nearly naked when Elder McKinley suddenly mumbles, "Stop. I need to show you something."
Elder Price watches as he climbs out of the small bed and stands in front of him. He removes his Mormon underwear, revealing cuts on the side of his stomach.
At first Elder Price thinks Elder McKinley must have walked into a tree and scraped himself or something, but then he realizes that there are words scratched into him. He strains to read them. "Being gay is bad?" he whispers. "Connor, did you…"
"Yeah, I did. Three weeks ago."
Elder Price does the math in his head. "When I got here." It doesn't even matter that Elder McKinley is standing naked in front of him. All that matters are the words carved into his stomach.
"Yeah. This is my punishment for thinking about you that way."
"But how could you do that to yourself?"
He shrugs. "I deserved it. Besides, it wasn't the first time." He lifts his left arm to reveal faded, white scar on his side. This one reads Stop thinking this way. "Fifth grade," Elder McKinley explains, tracing the letters with his finger.
"That is not okay," Elder Price says.
"It's no worse than what we're doing right now. I'm going to do this until I stop having these thoughts." He notices Elder Price staring at the cuts. "Do you want to touch them?" He says it as if it's no big deal, as if everyone does this to themselves.
"No!" the word comes out harsher than he meant it because of how shocked he is. "I'm sorry, it's just…I wasn't expecting this."
They stand there in silence for a moment, Elder Price unable to move his eyes, then Elder McKinley says "Well, this has certainly ruined the romantic mood."
"I'm sorry, do you want me to leave?" Elder Price is bitter now, in disbelief about what Connor has just shown him.
"That might be a good idea. Kevin, I just…" He can't even find the words.
"No, don't explain. I don't want to hear it." He walks out of the room, wishing he could slam the door, but knowing that doing so will wake up the others.
Elder McKinley tries to go to sleep, but he can't stop thinking. He's never shown those marks to anyone, and he thought Elder Price would be more accepting, more understanding of why he did it. But all Elder Price did was act ignorant, and Elder McKinley can't believe how stupid he, Elder McKinley, had been. Stupid for trying to let someone in, stupid for not being able to control his thoughts.
He reaches for the only thing he knows will make him feel better.
The next night, Elder McKinley is sure Elder Price won't show up. He lies there and traces his scars, trying to shut down all thoughts that pop into his head.
Elder Price does show up, though. "Connor? I'm sorry about the way I reacted last night. I want to help you with this."
Elder McKinley doesn't say anything, simply shows him the new cuts on his body. These read Get over him.
This time, Elder Price doesn't run. He walks over to the other man, hugs him, and whispers "I promise you, I'm going to make it so you never have to do that to yourself again."