"The Silence Between Us"
Storyline from "Resolutions" Season Two. The unspoken words between Kathryn and Chakotay following their stay on New Earth.
Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and characters belong to Paramount. Plus, I borrowed the dialogue at the end of "Resolutions" but the rest is my own conjecture. :)
Kathryn had barely looked at Chakotay since Kes had administered the cure for the disease that had isolated them on New Earth. He glanced at her profile as they entered the turbolift to head to Deck One. Those unassailable walls were once more in place and, perhaps, more solidly built than before, now that he had gotten a glimpse of the woman behind them. She was once again—with her hair pinned up in a professional knot, her uniform freshly pressed, that authoritative glint in her eye—Captain, with a capital "C".
He mentally sighed. Chakotay had attempted to talk to her when they were on the planet, packing up what they could take with them, leaving behind the shelter that he had almost made into a home, but she had overridden him with instructions on storing the various items and equipment they had brought with them. He had given in as he didn't know if Kathryn had felt any of the mixed feelings he had had in looking at that plain beige structure where he had just started to envision a very different future from what he had pictured for the past two years. She, however, seemed strangely unemotional about the whole thing, except for when her primate friend had shown up just before they had transported back to Voyager. She had then given him one long look and he had been about to try to speak to her again when she had tapped her comm badge to call for transport and the moment was lost.
And now, when they were nearly back to the bridge where their ranks and Starfleet protocol would be irrevocably between them, he didn't want to just step aside. He wanted to talk to her about it. He wanted to hear that she felt something—regret, relief, shame—he didn't care. He just didn't want her to have no feeling about what was between them, not when he was torn up about it inside.
He turned to her. She stayed facing resolutely forward. She didn't even glance at him. "Kathryn—"
She swept one hand up, cutting him off. She had known he would try to say something. She thought that she had been able to head him off on the planet and hoped that he would just drop it. But she should have known, knowing Chakotay, that he wouldn't want to leave open whatever had been started that night he told her the "ancient" legend of the angry warrior and the beautiful woman who's tribe he had become a part of.
God. Her insides clenched in pain just thinking about that night and the fact that that closeness, that warm glow that had pulsed between them would never happen again. Instinctively, she braced her shoulders against the ache. She must not show any weakness. Especially not to him. She could not show him how much this forced separation was hurting her because if he saw it, he would know that her feelings were deeper than she had let on and then it would be just that much harder to say no to him.
But say no she had to, because if she didn't, her vow to stick to Starfleet principles despite no Federation presence in the Delta Quadrant would be betrayed. Yes, it would be a minor betrayal but what else would she be willing to compromise if she compromised on this?
Kathryn ignored the small voice at the back of her mind that told her it wasn't just Starfleet protocol that held a barrier between them but that there was a more personal and basic fear of rejection, of not being the woman that Chakotay thought he wanted and then having to live with that for the next 75 years in such close quarters.
Her hand was still up silencing Chakotay. She turned slightly to face him and look up into his dark eyes, ignoring the fact that she felt small and delicate next to his larger frame, ignoring the heat that emanated from him and refusing to define the emotion she could see burning in his eyes. She forced herself to keep her own emotions out of her voice. "I don't want to talk about it." He opened his mouth to respond but she cut him off again, "Chakotay, I don't want to say something that might hurt you because you are my friend, but you must know where I stand on this."
He ran his hand over his face, controlling a sudden upsurge of anger before he looked at her again. "No. I don't know where you stand on this. That's why I want to talk about it," he bit out. He saw her mouth tighten and a double blink of her eyes. If he hadn't been so caught up in his own hurt, he would've noted the tears in her eyes, the bare control she had over her emotions, but wounded he was and so missed the significant slip, instead taking it as shock at the intensity of his response.
Kathryn swallowed against the next words she was about to utter, which she knew she needed to, to define those parameters that they had been unable to set on that night. She needed to say it now as the turbolift was already slowing at their destination and she needed to gain full control over the situation and be the rock that her crew needed before she stepped out.
"I am Captain. You are my second in command."
And with that, she turned to face the turbolift doors as they slid open to show the command central of Voyager, a sight she hadn't seen in over two months. She felt the tension between them and that throbbing in her chest seemed to increase. She knew she was going to have to get used to it. It would probably be some time before they could go back to their easy camaraderie. If they ever went back to it.
She strode out of the turbolift as if the last few months and, more specifically, as if the past few moments hadn't happened. Tuvok turned to face the two returning leaders, "Welcome back, Captain. Commander." The rest of the bridge crew stood up as Kathryn strode purposefully to her chair at the center.
She met Tuvok there, ignoring the silent presence of Chakotay just over his shoulder. She teased her old Vulcan friend about his decision to contact the Vidiians, needing to inject some lightness into a situation which was becoming heavier to her by the second.
Chakotay watched as she took command once more, bringing some of her own energy back into the ship. He felt cut adrift and keeping his composure for the crew was taking effort. She addressed the bridge crew, "Thank you all. Well, we've lost time with all this. Let's see if we can make some of it up." Turning to Lieutenant Paris, "Mr. Paris, warp eight."
Tom acknowledged her as he turned to his station to enter in the coordinates and punch the warp key. Kathryn paused to gather herself together, pushing back the words she could never speak to him. She turned to head to her chair, issuing orders to him, "Commander, we'll need to review the ship's systems. I'll handle propulsion, environmental and communication." Chakotay, I'm sorry. I'll never say this to you, but you know what happened that night, you told me that story? She sat down in her chair, not directly looking at him. "You'll be responsible for sensors, weapons and transporters." I knew that I loved you.
He sat down in his own chair, his hand already going to the console adjacent to him, emotions firmly in check, his thoughts not entirely on the duty he was supposed to be doing. "Aye, Captain. I'll have a report to you by 1800 hours." Kathryn, I love you. And even though you want this distance, I'll find a way around it someday.
She kept her eyes trained on the viewscreen. "Check with phaser maintenance. See if they solved that problem with the prefire temperature." If I could, I would tell you and the galaxy what I feel for you. I would be with you forever.
"Yes ma'am." You may think that I've given up, but I haven't. You'll admit that you love me. "I'll see to it." Finishing with the console, he too faced forward.
Her thumb nervously stroked her hand.
Their roles once more in place as the ship went into warp, the words they both wanted to say trapped in the silence between them.
Author's Note: I knew eventually that I would do a J/C fic but I didn't know where I was going to start so I eventually thought that "Resolutions" was the logical place. I plan on doing more for this couple as it was such an ignored avenue by the writers of the show! But, there's a hesitancy I have as the affection and love these characters obviously could've had for each other was deep and I want to do it justice.