Hey it's me, LuNa6780! I've decided to take a little break from my story. I was starting to notice how a lot of the Kuro cast have "problems", and for some reason Dr. Phil was playing on the tv, so I came up with this! Yeah, um, it's kind of bad, and attempted humor, so if you don't find any of this stuff funny, please don't shoot me! I just needed to get this out of me and yeah... Anyways, please R&R and enjoy!
"Hello! Welcome to Kuroshitsuji styled Dr. Phil! I'm your psychiatrist, Kitsune, and I'll be here to help the Kuro cast solve all of their problems! Oh, before I forget!" With those words, Kitsune jumped out of her chair and ran to an ebony desk in the corner of the room. She promptly opened a drawer and took out a pair of black spectacles, putting them on her face. "Ah, that's better. Now, as I was explaining, I'm Kitsune, the psychiatrist who will help solve all of the characters of the Kuro casts' problems. Now-"
"Those glasses are just cardboard cut outs that she spray painted," interrupted a midnight blue haired boy sitting in a velvet chair. "Look, her ID badge is just a piece of paper with the name 'Kitsune' scribbled on it. It's attached by an old haircli-"
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," said Kitsune, shooting death glares at the boy, "Now I'm going to explain how this whole thing works." She took off her cardboard glasses, flinging them at the boy sitting in the velvet chair. Walking back to her ebony desk, she opened up a different drawer and took out a stack of papers, filing through them with her thumbs. "Even though it was Ciel who interrupted me, I'm not going to name that person..." She hummed.
"You just did." Ciel narrowed his eyes, looking at the papers." Those papers are blank." Ciel remarked, with a hint of boredom in his voice. He plucked the spray painted glasses that got caught in his hair out, observing them and throwing them in a random direction. "She's just doing that to look professional."
Kitsune pouted, then took out a red crayon from her pocket, scribbling something down on the blank sheet of paper. "Here is how this whole thing works." She held up the paper, holding it horizontally. On the paper were a few sentences. "These are a few simple things you should know for this show."
"Nice writing." Ciel scoffed.
"Oh you shut up. Okay, so, a reminder, this is an attempted Dr. Phil show gone Kuroshitsuji style! So, in each episode, I'm going to call out your favorite characters to help find a cure for their fetishes. For example, I've had a few people tell me that Ciel has a bad habit of saying 'tch' too many times. As a result, I called dear Ciel out here to help him with this addict."
"Oh boy..."
"Alright, so, our very first patient of honor is Ciel Phantomhive!"
"Well this is an on off day for me..."
"Glad to hear that! So, Ciel, I've been hearing that your "Tch" remarks are starting to become a bad habit." Kitsune took out a yellow note pad and a purple crayon from her desk.
"What do you keep in that desk?"
"It's not called the magic desk of randomness for nothing my blue haired friend."
"...When did I ever say I was your frie-"
"Back to the subject," the jet black haired girl tore off a page filled with random scribbles, throwing it in a trash can and yawning "I heard that this supposed 'tch' was getting pretty serious. Is there a certain reason why you insist on using that word every time you feel the need to mock and or laugh?"
"Tch. That doesn't even make any sense."
Kitsune scribbled something onto the fresh sheet of paper, nodding. "Interesting... and how do you feel about that?"
"Feel about what- that what you said doesn't make any sense?"
"Precisely. How do you, earl Phantomhive, take that?"
"I guess I take that as an offense..."
"Mmhmm. so, how would you explain this, quote and quote, offense?"
"Have you ever even watched Dr. Phil? I'm pretty sure this isn't how the show-"
"Well no I haven't. Back to the real problem, Ciel, to help you with your bad Tch habits, I brought in a very special guest. Please welcome, our very first guest, Aloisia Transtine!"
"...Who?"
A teenager about the age of fourteen strolled in, wearing a purple dress. She flipped her blonde hair tied up in twin ponytails, looking around. Once light blue eyes caught sight of Ciel, said girl lit up like a candle and immediately ran to Ciel, glomping him. "Oh, Ciel!" she exclaimed. "I didn't know that your tch addictions were that bad! I'm so sorry; I would've found help right away!"
Ciel squirmed in said girl's grasp. Once he caught a glimpse of her, he narrowed his eyes. "Alois, take off that god dammed wig."
Alois giggled, then in a frivolous high pitched voice, he/she squealed. "Since you were able to recognize me so fast, I guess that makes us lovers!"
"I have absolutely no reply to that."
"Actually, by saying you have no reply to that, that statement was actually a reply. So, you were wrong. How do you feel about that?" Kitsune said, drawing random pictures of purple stars onto the paper.
"What... the hell?" Ciel remarked, confused.
"Hm, I see." Said girl pushed her invisible glasses back up with her index finger, nodding. "That is very interesting, earl Phantomhive."
Alois, whose arms were still wrapped tightly around Ciel, smiled. "That's my Ciel for you~"
"..."
"..."
"Well that blows things out of proportions..." Kitsune said, breaking the silence by a noticeably fake sneeze.
"Would it so happen to be my lucky day, that by things you mean you?" Ciel teased, with a bit of hope in his voice.
"Oh you did not just say you want me to blow up, little boy." Kitsune got up, throwing the notepad down and putting the purple crayon in her pocket.
"Maybe I did." Ciel said, still in between Alois arms.
"And how do you feel about that, Ciel Phantomhive?"
"Feel about what?"
"How do you feel about me finding a cure for your tch addictions?"
"I suppose rather... relieving. How are you going to cure me?"
"By killing you~"
"Oh shit."
Kitsune turned to the camera and smiled. "We'll be back after I kill this- I mean we'll be right back after these short messages. Stay tuned!"
Ciel ran to the camera, clamping onto to it. "If I'm not back by these commercials, please call 91-"
Kitsune grabbed hold of the boy, dragging him away from the camera. "Stay tuned!"
*After Commercials*
The camera flashed back on, and Kitsune was strangling Ciel, with Alois behind her yelling, "I'll save you Ciel!"
Alois ran out of view for a second, then came back with a fire extinguisher. "Damn right you are, boy!" Kitsune yelled. She turned around, and upon seeing Alois with a fire extinguisher, her eyes widened. "Put the fire extinguisher down, Alois." She said in a hushed tone, her hands gesturing down to show the boy to relax.
Alois opened the cap, ready to fire. "Oh sh-" Kitsune turned to the camera and whispered, "Wait are we on? Sh- Hi! Welcome back!" Said girl brushed past Alois, and straightened out her attire. "Earlier, we were talking about Ciel's 'tch' fetishes!" Kitsune walked to her magic desk of randomness, talking a seat and gesturing for Ciel and Alois to come up and sit down in the two chairs that were in front of the desk.
The camera flashed into Ciel and Alois's view. Alois had dropped the extinguisher and was now glomping Ciel like there was no tomorrow. "Eh hahaha!" Kitsune laughed nervously. "Come on you two; take a seat so we work this whole thing out."
The two boys did as they were commanded, sitting in the blue chairs. "Weren't these red before?" Ciel questioned.
So Alois, would you like to explain to us how this addiction started happening? Also, can you tell us how it's affecting others around us?"
"W-well..." Alois said in his high voice. He still had his wig and dress on. "It all started when I met Ciel... I- I -" Alois sputtered with fake tears forming in his eyes.
"Alois, I haven't even known you for that long." Ciel grumbled.
"And now, it's affecting so many people!" Alois mourned dramatically. Alois reached in a baby blue handbag and took out a photo of Ciel dozing off. "He used to be so happy!" Alois exclaimed, shoving the photo into Kitsune's face. Kitsune took the photo, smirking at it deviously. She put it down on her desk and fished for her purple crayon in her pocket. Said girl began doodling all over the picture of Ciel, putting a purple mustache on his forehead and coloring his lips purple.
"Alois, when did you take that picture of me?" Ciel questioned with a hint of annoyance in his voice. Ciel glanced at the picture, which was now full of graffiti, grabbing it and ripping it in half. He crumpled the paper up and threw it at Kitsune, who fidgeted and threw it back at him. The two continued this makeshift game of pass when Alois suddenly gasped.
"See, look what happened after, after all of this irony!" Alois cried. He got up from the blue chair, walking up to the camera and shoving the photo into the lens. The photo showed Ciel, who was yelling. His eye patch was off, and his contracted eye was glowing.
"Alois, that was two weeks ago when I ordered Sebastian to- wait, did you have a camera with you when our butlers were fighting?" Ciel asked.
"It's so obvious that he kept it in his boots." Kitsune retorted. She looked at the clock, and bolted right out of her seat. "Crap, I forgot about the time. Well, it looks like we only have thirty minutes…" Kitsune turned back to the camera, and smiled. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our next patient of honor, Alois Trancy!"
Alois got up, and put his hands to his chest. "Oh, really? It's such an honor!"
"I'm sure by honor, you mean inconvenience." Ciel grumbled.
"Alois, we're here to talk about your licking problems." Kitsune turned away from the boy and to the camera with a serious face on. "Alois's licking problems: a habit, or downright creepy? To assist us today is the lovely Alois!" Kitsune exclaimed, pointing at Alois.
Alois got up and waved to the crowd, which consisted of a few dead bugs on the chairs full of cobwebs.
"Alright Alois, I've been hearing rumors about your licking problems. Now, are they just a habit, or are you just plainly obsessed?" Kitsune, who was now in her 'Dr. Phil' mode said.
"What?" Alois questioned, tilting his head to the side.
"I see." Kitsune said, putting her thumb and index finger to her chin. "Well, my viewers, I have a special treat for you today. I have a little video made by a fan girl for Alois's licking problems. Please turn your attention to the screen!"
"Was the fan girl, by any chance, you?" Ciel remarked.
Kitsune disregarded that statement, opening another drawer in her magic desk of randomness. She took out a black square remote with a single red button, pushing it. The camera turned to the screen, and a video of Alois licking a bunch of random chess pieces began. Ciel shuddered as the video progressed and a clip of Alois licking Ciel's ear was shown. After five minutes, the video was finally over and the camera pointed back to Alois, who was clapping.
"Wow." Ciel, who was obviously freaked out, said.
"Yup." said Kitsune. She turned to Alois, folding her hands together. "So Alois, is there a specific reason why you love licking things? I mean, is it a hobby?"
"I guess." Alois said.
"Hm, I see." Kitsune turned to the clock and gasped. "Oh, look at the time! We only have five minutes!" Said girl got up, and waved. "Well, that's a wrap!"
"What does that even mean?" Ciel commented.
"It's a figure of speech." Kitsune grumbled. "That's it for now! Stay tuned!"
*Behind the Scenes* (After the show)
"Well that was fun!" Kitsune exclaimed. Said girl was holding a glass of water, gulping it down.
"I still wish you would blow up…" Ciel mumbled.
"Why you little," Kitsune smirked, then turned to Ciel. "Actually, I think I'll let you off the hook."
"Really?" Ciel said, bored.
"Yeah, after this!" Kitsune exclaimed. Said girl took the glass of water, pouring it onto the blue haired boy.
"You little son of a- look at this, I'm soaking wet!"
Kitsune giggled. "That's what she said!"
"You are so immature."
"Hey Alois, isn't Ciel so sexy when he's wet?" Kitsune yelled.
Alois ran into the room, and gasped. "He is! he is!"
"Shit." Ciel swore.
"And guess what?" Kitsune said to Alois.
"What?"
"He just told me you're fuckin sexy and he loves you!"
"Shit. Shit. Shit." Ciel kept swearing.
"He did? Oh, I love you too, Ciel!" Alois, who was now in his normal attire, exclaimed. He ran to the soaked boy.
"Have fun." Kitsune smirked.
"I hate you." Ciel muttered. He ran out of the room with Alois running behind him.
"I'm going to enjoy being in this show." Kitsune said, taking a seat in one of the blue chairs. She raised her glass, shaking it. "Hey intern, get me a refill!"
Uh, so yeah. I hope you enjoyed this. It's true, I have never watched Dr. Phil. Yes, for some reason Alois felt the need to cross dress. Fail name lol. Oh, if you find that this resembles any story, can you please tell me? I want this to be different. Oh and I'm currently doing a poll on my profile, so can you please check it out and vote? Oh, and the reason why I named my host Kitsune and not Luna was because I recently found the name and liked it. Remember, I allow anonymous reviews so please R&R! Thank you for reading!
Until Next Time,
LuNa6780