Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter. He belongs to JK Rowling.
Prologue:
Once upon a time in a land not very far away there lived a crazy witch called Joanne Rowling. But everyone called her JK which is short for Jackass Killer. She was called this because she was very mean and also a killer. In addition to being an asshole she was also a writer but it was still her secondary profession. JK was a very bad writer, this was because while she knew how to write she did not know how to read. After writing a story she couldn't tell what she wrote because she did not know how to read and so nobody bought her books. One day JK was waiting for the bus on the street minding her own business when suddenly she saw a hairy man pushing a cart filled with pottery on the street, he was shouting "kee jam" again and again for some reason. JK was in his way so the man shouted "kee jam" and motioned her to move but JK as you know was a bitch so she didn't and called the man a hairy monkey and told him to get lost. This made the hairy man very ANGRY! So he threw one of his pots at JK and it hit her square in the head. The pot hit her very hard and JK also got ANGRY! She was even ANGRIER! Than the hairy man! She used her crazy black magic and turned the hairy man into a "non-hairy man". All hair fell off and the now no longer hairy man was SAD! So sad that he screamed "kee jam" in agony! But because of the black magic it came out in reverse and sounded like "maj eek". And he died shortly afterwards due to lack of hair. After hairing the agony filled scream of the hairless man JK had a brilliantly foolish idea. She was going to write a story about a boy named Hairy Pottery who lived in a foolish world filled with pots. Then for no explained reason a jet fighter came from nowhere and fired a shoe at JK which her in the head. This caused the information in JK's head to be scrambled and she instead decided to write a story about a boy named Harry Potter in an even foolisher world filled with black magic. And so this is the story of how such a stupid novel such as Harry Potter came into existence!
Chapter 1: The boy who did not die
Mr. and Mrs. Dustily, of number 13, Fat Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly fat, Thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything thin or slim, because they just didn't hold with such fatless nonsense.
Mr. Dustily was the janitor of a firm called fatnings, which made people fat. He was a big, meaty man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache. Mrs. Dustily used to be thin and blonde but due to the law that every Dustily must be fat and unblonde she went on a diet of only butter and cheese and became fat and she also shaved her head due to the fact that hair dye is very expensive. She also had nearly thrice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences and stalking the neighbors. The Dustilys had a fat son called Dudely and in their opinion there was no fatter boy anywhere.
The Dustilys were an almost extinct species due to people rounding them up and killing them due to fatness but unfortunately for the rest of the world they had some surviving relatives. These were the Potters. The Potters were natural born potters. Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dustily's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dustily pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDustilyish(meaning they were not fat) as it was possible to be. The Dustilys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the non-fat Potters arrived in the street. The Dustiys knew that the Potters had a small non-fat son, too, but they had never even seen him properly due to bad eyesight. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudely mixing with a thin pottery making child like that.
One fatfilled morning the Dustilys woke up not expecting anything thin or slim. Mrs. Dustily put their fat child on the high chair.
The fat child screamed GA GE GO which means "Let me go you stupid bitch!" om ugly baby language and punched her which broke a few of her teeth.
"Isn't he cute?" said the bald woman.
"Yes he is" said Mr. Dustily as he punched the poor fat bald woman too.
As Mr. Dustily was busy punching her someone rang the bell. They both went outside and saw there was no one there but the fat man accidentally stepped on something which was a baby with a note pinned to it.
They both read the note and to their horror it was from the Potters! It said "Pl3Az be tAk1nG cAr3 0f 0uR BaBy w3 1$ 2 d3Ad 2 Tak3 KAr3 0f 1t"$, h!$ NAmE IZ haRRy." After reading this they were both happy and sad. Happy that the Potters were dead and sad that they had to take care of their son. They both looked at the baby and IT WAS THIN!
"OH MY STOMACH, IT'S FATLESS!" screamed the fat man in feelings of fear and dread!
"What are we going to do with it?" said the terrified fat woman.
"Were going to have to take care of it"
"Why?"
"Because it is Dustily law that if a baby is left on your doorstep which belongs to a relative you have to take care of it or HAVE ALL YOUR FAT REMOVED!"
"You know what this means don't you?"
"Yes were going to have to share our FOOD with this thing!" said Mr. Dustily in tears!
"That's okay, I have an idea!"
"What is it?"
"Wear going to feed it MUD!"
"That's a brilliant idea!"
They both began to laugh because of the diabolically clever scheme they had come up with until Mr. Dustily punched his fat and bald wife so hard she died!
End of Chapter 1:
Read the next chapter to see what happens to Harry.
Author note:
Th1$ 1$ b3!nG d3pr3$$!nG
D0nT r3ad FURther
U Ha$ b33n wArned11!1one!11uno!11one!1!11ONE1!111