Fresh Fruit

This is complete and utter crack that came about while discussing an odd icon of an LJ friend. If you have not seen the Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch "Self-Defence Against Fresh Fruit" you may be a tad confused. Just know that this is taken almost word for word (until the very end) from that sketch, only throwing it in the Supernatural 'verse for shtuff and giggles.

CASTIEL: Good evening class.

ALL: (mumbling) Good evening.

CASTIEL: Where are all the other hunters?

ALL: They're not here.

CASTIEL: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

ALL: Dunno.

HARRY: Perhaps they've got the flu.

CASTIEL: The flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourself in the upcoming apocalypse against any demon who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

ALL: grumbles

SAM: Cas, You promised you wouldn't do fruit this time.

CASTIEL: What do you mean?

ED: Well we've done fruit for the last twenty weeks.

CASTIEL: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

SAM: Can't we do something else? We've only got, like, a week or two before the apocalypse.

DEAN: Yeah, like a demon who attacks you with a pointed stick?

CASTIEL: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

ALL: We've done the passion fruit.

CASTIEL: What?

HARRY: We've done the passion fruit.

SAM: We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

ED: Whole and segments.

SAM: Pomegranates, greengages...

HARRY: Grapes, passion fruit...

SAM: Lemons...

ED: Plums...

HARRY: Mangoes in syrup...

CASTIEL: How about cherries?

ALL: We did them.

CASTIEL: Red and black?

ALL: Yes!

CASTIEL: All right... bananas.

ALL: sigh as Castiel takes a banana from the belt of his ever-present trench coat

CASTIEL: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a demon armed with a banana. Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a demon armed with a banana. First of all you force it to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming it. (eats banana) You have now rendered it helpless.

SAM: Suppose its got a bunch.

CASTIEL: Shut up.

DEAN: Suppose its got a pointed stick.

CASTIEL: Shut up. (pulls a second banana from belt – class is surprised as they hadn't seen a second banana in Castiel's belt before) Right. Now you, Cherry-

HARRY: Harry!

CASTIEL: Sorry, Harry. (tosses banana to Harry) Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that (like Norman Bates with his knife), that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (as Harry walks towards Castiel, the angel takes out a gun – also appearing in his belt – and shoots him)

HARRY: Aaagh! (dies)

CASTIEL: Now, I eat the banana. (does so)

SAM: You shot him!

ED: You killed Harry!

DEAN: You bastard!

CASTIEL: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Cherry, is now helpless.

SAM: You shot him. You shot him dead.

CASTIEL: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

ED: But you told him to.

CASTIEL: Look, I'm only doing my job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

DEAN: And pointed sticks.

CASTIEL: Shut up.

SAM: Suppose I'm attacked by a demon with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

CASTIEL: Don't be ridiculous. Your brother always carries a gun.

DEAN: (sheepishly pulls gun from the waistband of his jeans) Well, he's right about that.

SAM: OK, but what if Dean and I are separated?

CASTIEL: Run for it.

ED: Or he could take out his cell phone and call for help.

CASTIEL: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

ED: A pineapple?

CASTIEL: Where? Where?

ED: No I just said, "a pineapple."

CASTIEL: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

ED: What, on the pineapple?

CASTIEL: Where? Where?

ED: No, I was just repeating it.

CASTIEL: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. (takes a small satchel from his belt and dumps contents in his hand) There we are. Harmless looking things, aren't it? Now you, Elderberry-

ED: Ed.

CASTIEL: Ed, then. Come at me with those raspberries. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with them.

ED: No.

CASTIEL: Why not?

ED: You'll shoot me.

CASTIEL: I won't.

ED: You shot Harry.

CASTIEL: That was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

DEAN: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

CASTIEL: Shut up. Come on, brandish those raspberries. Come at me with them. Give me Hell.

ED: Throw the gun away.

CASTIEL: I haven't got a gun.

ED: You have.

CASTIEL: Haven't.

ED: You shot Harry with it!

CASTIEL: Oh, that gun.

ED: Throw it away.

CASTIEL: Oh, all right. How to defend yourself against red currants - without a gun.

ED: You were going to shoot me!

CASTIEL: I wasn't.

ED: You were!

CASTIEL: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny, little man. (as Ed slowly walks towards Castiel, the angel flicks his wrist and the man implodes with a *POP*) If a demon ever attacks you with a raspberry, just-

SAM: We don't have angelic powers, Cas.

CASTIEL: Look, look, look, Mr. Know-it-all. Implosion is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

DEAN: Like what?

CASTIEL: Shooting him?

SAM: Well, what if I don't have a gun or angelic powers?

CASTIEL: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with the rest of these raspberries. (takes another small satchel from his belt and hands it to Sam) Come on, both of you, (hands yet another satchel to Dean) whole bagful each.

SAM: No guns.

CASTIEL: No.

SAM: No imploding.

CASTIEL: No.

DEAN: No pointed sticks.

CASTIEL: Shut up.

SAM: No raining sulfur or rocks up in the ceiling.

CASTIEL: No.

SAM: And you won't... kill us.

CASTIEL: I won't.

SAM: Promise.

CASTIEL: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

SAM, DEAN: Oh, all right.

CASTIEL: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn my back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the red currants! Right? OK start moving. Now, the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with red currants is to - release the hellcats! (he does so)

DEAN: All right!

SAM: It's not what you think, Dean. Run!!

CASTIEL: The great advantage of hellcats in unarmed combat is that they eat not only the fruit-laden foe but also the fruit... (looks around to see if the Winchesters are still around – they aren't) Well, Jimmy (talking to the man whose body he is using as a vessel) I guess I'll hand you back over to Castiel, now. You've served your purpose – stupid mud monkeys had no idea...

Jegudiel discards his vessel and moves on to formulate the next step of the plan he and Uriel had been assigned.

JEGUDIEL: Do not worry brother (referring to his fellow-archangel Uriel), your death will not be in vain.