"Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up!" She screeched, holding her hands up to cup her ears.
Her team stood rooted to the ground, speechless as they watched the scene unfold before them. The practice has been going great since the start – Stacie getting her moves right without touching herself inappropriately, Fat Amy did not request for early lunch, Denise was able to hit the low notes accurately, and everyone could hear Lilly talk. Everything – everything that could possibly go wrong went right. It was one of the best practices.
It was also the worst.
Their blonde leader shut her eyes in a bid to control her breathing, carrying out the calming routine as advised by her doctor. She could almost taste the bitter bile that inched up her gut to the back of her throat. It's the same old fight again and it has been for the past couple months. Aubrey was bent on changing one of the songs in the setlist created by Beca; the latter was adamant on sticking to it.
She reached out her hand towards her best friend Chloe who promptly grabbed it, leading her towards the nearest seat. They could feel those navy blue eyes trained on them, burning into their skulls. Chloe patted Aubrey gently on the back of her head, and drew soothing circles on her back. Tearing her eyes from the blonde, she then steeled her sight on the short brunette standing in front of them.
"Beca, calm down."
"No, I won't calm down. I've calmed down enough to let her climb over my head like that. I thought we had an agreement! The setlist shall be as what we have previous-"
"But Chloe couldn't hit the notes – you know that! We all just heard it!" Aubrey yelled, now standing upright and holding on to the chair for support.
"Then we'll just have to change the singer, won't we?" Her voice reverberating across the recital hall, further shaking the already frightened girls. For a person so small, she sure has a loud voice. Fat Amy frowned and pursed her lips. How did the practice dissolve into this mess?
Everything was supposed to go as planned. Big plans that everyone except Aubrey and Chloe know of. Fat Amy darted her eyes between the redhead and the brunette, knowing that the latter must be kicking herself inside for not informing Chloe. The broad blonde then stole a glance at her remaining teammates and they all gave her a slight nod. She nodded back in kind with a small tilt of her head before snapping her attention back to the captains. She gingerly lifted her hand, waving it a little. When they did not respond, she cleared her throat, gulping when both girls turned sharply to look at her – their eyes filled with unshed tears and frustration.
"Uh, Caps," she began, shooting a knowing look at Beca, "we thought Beca's right. The songs are as good as they are already. I mean, I can voluntee-"
"What? No, Fat Amy. This isn't a time for you to just swoop in and-"
"She's not swooping in! No one is swooping in! I'm using my rights as a captain to say that we stick to the songs! The concert is next week! Just have Chloe replaced!"
"No! We won't! Beca-"
"Aubrey," the redhead cut in, tears brimming and threatening to spill over, "just leave it. You can't just change the setlist to fit my voice. Fat Amy's right – we have all been working hard on this."
Everyone remained silent at her words, their breaths abated as they awaited either of their captains' reply. The redhead herself has taken a seat at the bleachers nearby; her eyes red and downcast – a small pool of tears forming quickly on the ground before her.
The blonde shook her head and leveled the brunette with a glare, "No. Chloe remains and we'll change the setlist. Period."
"No!"
"Yes! As senior captain, I'm going to override your decision. What's so important about that stupid setlist anyway, Mitchell? Just because you think it's perfect doesn't mean all of us does! I'm tired, Beca. Come on," she clapped her hands, rousing everyone, "to your positions. From the top!"
Everyone moved except Beca who remained rooted. She balled her fists; her body visibly shaking with rage and disappointment. Fat Amy noticed and immediately stalked over, clapping her hands down on her petite frame.
"Come on, Becs. Let it go," the broad blonde whispered, gripping tightly and trying to tug the brunette back to the formation. Aubrey was already standing in front, her emerald green eyes fixed on Beca.
Come on, B. We can talk about this later when we're home.
"No. You know how important that setlist is to me!" Beca's voice broken and cracked as she shoved her best friend aside. Fat Amy stumbled and fell backwards unto the floor with a thud. She flinched when Beca hurdled over her as she sprinted towards the doors. Everyone turned to their blonde leader, their eyes widening at the swift turn of events.
Aubrey let out a heavy sigh and jogged towards the doors, anger and exasperation boiling within. She pushed the heavy doors open and squinted her eyes as they adjusted to the sudden influx of light. Beca was nowhere to be seen.
"Beca?" She called, leaving the doorway and stepping into the bright afternoon sun. She lifted her hand to her forehead forming a visor and peered around, finally catching a glimpse of the small brunette tearing through the park next to the recital hall. The blonde huffed and ran after her.
"Beca! Stop! Come back!"
Beca ran on and on, hearing the cries behind and ignoring them. Hot tears flooding down her cheeks, blurring her vision. She's also tired of having the same fight over and over. She had made the setlist for a special purpose - for a special someone.
But she kept wanting to change it.
Beca shook her head and ran the back of her hand across her eyes to stem the floodgates that'd broken. Her feet padded heavily against the dirt as she kept running. She did not hear the frantic shouts of people around her – even the cries of her lover chasing relentlessly after her were drowned out by the silence ringing in her ears.
Aubrey came to a sudden halt, her eyes bulging at the sight in front of her. Her lips parted but no sound came forth. People were running haphazardly around her, some even bumping into her shoulders causing her to stumble a few steps back but she ignored them. She could hear the deep pounding of her heart stuck in her throat. She could hear the loud wailings coming from the frightened group of children playing at the playground nearby. She could hear the sickening siren that pierced through the air and right straight into her heart.
And then she could hear no more.
Everything faded to black.
Chloe sighed as she laid down the tray on the dresser next to Aubrey's bed. The blonde has stayed in her room for the past couple of weeks – leaving only to use the restroom to relieve herself but never showering. She hasn't eaten much, and she also hasn't spoken a word to anyone since that day. Chloe shifted the blankets and gently sat herself down on the edge of the bed, close enough to her best friend but far enough to give her the distance. She reached over to grab her hand, relieved when the blonde didn't retract it immediately.
That's an improvement.
The two best friends sat there in silence – Chloe peering into those lifeless emerald greens whilst Aubrey stared right ahead. Every now and then she'd shudder – a piece of memory from that day hitting her like a slap across the face. The concert that weighed heavily on everyone's hope and hard work never came – they couldn't perform when they're missing such a huge chunk from their group. Their fans were utterly disappointed;
the group even more so.
Aubrey was the backbone and muscles of the 10-piece a cappella group while Beca was its spirit and soul. The tall blonde demanded perfection and regiment, churning out each girl under her charge a top-notch singer who could very well stand alone but also blend in seamlessly with the rest. The brunette, however was the one breathing life into the group, cracking humorous wit (along with her best friend Fat Amy) and inspiring them with her talents in mixing songs together to form one perfect piece – a piece they'd never known could exist; a piece that was better than its parents. The two of them worked seamlessly together – it could be due to their bond and love for each other, but both of them knew: it's in the deep respect they'd have for one another and the knowing and filling the voids the other had. They were the best team.
And now they're not.
Chloe jerked her eyes away from their joint hands, fixing them on Aubrey's eyes. Her breath hitched as she stared into those piercing emerald greens eyes that she has loved so much. They were looking back at her now, something that hasn't happened since that day. Aubrey hasn't taken so much as a glance at anyone. She has kept mostly to herself, whispering gibberish and then screaming how it was all her fault during the first week, rocking back and forth in her bed – even Lilly was spooked. They didn't force her though, giving her as much time and space she'd need to get over this void that has suddenly descended upon her. Her best friend was given the task to look after her and the redhead didn't complain one bit. She couldn't, out of her obligation as "the best friend one could ask for", stating that it's part of her job description as Aubrey's BFF when Stacie and Cynthia Rose offered their time to take over her so that the redhead could rest.
But they all knew that she wouldn't – she wouldn't leave her side even if she could.
She has force-fed the blonde, bringing mushed food substances to her mouth, squeezing her jaw open and pushing the heaped spoonful in. She has brought in a small tub of warm soapy water, wetting a clean piece of facial towel and dabbing it against the blonde's soft cheeks, neck and arms. She'd tried to help the blonde change out of her clothes – the ones she's worn that day but Aubrey refused to. For as long as Aubrey has stayed in that room, so did Chloe. She didn't even have the time to mourn.
She'd jumped into BFF mode the moment Aubrey hit the ground at the scene.
The redhead was exhausted but she refused to let it show, ignoring the sympathetic glances from her teammates when they came visiting. Out of the remaining seven, Fat Amy showed up the least and no one blamed her. Like Aubrey, the broad blonde has just lost one of the biggest parts of her life. Having moved to the States when she was 10 and only child, she had no one to play with when her parents left her at home for work. It was the doorbell that rang that afternoon which brought the two together. Beca was forced by her mom to visit their new neighbors – to bring them a basket of homemade cookies that the short brunette loved so much. Fat Amy had broken into one of the widest smiles Beca'd ever seen and they have been best friends since.
"Beca?" Her voice dry and cracked from not speaking in so many days. The blonde reached up her hand to caress Chloe's face; her thumb running across the skin just below her left eye, wiping away the stray tear that has escaped those cerulean pools. Chloe parted her lips slightly to breathe – her nose stuffy and blocked as they started to ache with the sour that came with the rush of emotions.
It's okay. It's okay for you to say her name.
The redhead silently brought up her own hand, placing it over Aubrey's and warming them up. She smiled through her tears as she scooted closer to the blonde, relieved when she didn't retract her hand or move back. The blonde remained seated where she was, her eyes trained on Chloe's ceruleans.
"Beca, you have such beautiful eyes." She whispered, bringing her other hand up to caress Chloe's other cheek. She didn't flinch at its wetness, letting the tears flow down the back of her fingers and hand. The redhead sniffed and nodded slightly, her smile strained as she bit down hard on her lower lip.
The two girls have known each other since they were infants. Their own mothers – Sarah Posen and Meg Beale have been best friends since high school – braving all the ups and downs during their teenage years together, holding one another up through each breakup, and erupting into loud cheers when they realized they're both pregnant with girls. "Oh they would be the best of friends like we were, Sarah!" Meg had commented, pulling Sarah in for a tight embrace.
And they were. Aubrey and Chloe were inseparable the moment their eyes fell on each other. The blonde flashing a cheeky smile while Chloe was a little more shy – a brilliant flush to her cheeks accompanying her toothless grin. Their mothers thought it adorable but little Chloe had other plans. She knew ever since preschool that she'd do anything for the blonde. Aubrey had also made the same promises – vowing to be there for Chloe each step of the way. Little did she know, the redhead meant something more.
It was during their senior year in high school when Chloe realized exactly what these frustrating feelings were. Aubrey had gone on several first dates with the spoolheads in school, finding none of them on par with her level of intellect and interest, whereas her redheaded best friend stayed at home. She was friendly – that was true, but Chloe refused to accept any date from the long line of suitors. She'd found them suffocating and had turned her nose at them, closing the door on their roses, cards and chocolates. No one knew why – not even the redhead herself. Aubrey has questioned her on many rounds, throwing in names of boys she'd thought would be compatible with her BFF but knowing deep down no one would really be good enough for the girl she'd love with every fiber of her heart. Chloe would be frustrated and tried to change the topic, and Aubrey let her. One fine night when Aubrey yelled her goodnight as she made her way to yet another first date, a realization dawned upon the redhead.
Chloe had gone into hyperventilating mode, taking in huge gulps of air as she tried to compose herself and make sense of what she'd just realize. Her eyes widened and her hand went up to clasp over her mouth. She had retched, rushing to the bathroom but nothing came out. As she looked up into the mirror after washing her face, she peered into her own eyes via the reflection. It was then that it became clear to her – the refusal to go on any of those dates, the feelings of nonchalance whenever Aubrey pointed out a guy she'd found cute – rolling her eyes when the dude walked past, and the mounting and ever-increasing amount of jealousy that pored through her every time Aubrey went out on those dates. She had been confused as to why she'd wanted to pull her BFF back, shaking her hard to tell her she deserved someone better.
That she deserved her.
When Aubrey came back from yet another dissatisfying dinner that night, she'd found Chloe curled up into a small ball of blankets in her bed. The redhead had cried herself to sleep, not knowing what to do with these overwhelming emotions that washed over her like endless tidal waves. It was clear and it was not. She knew that Aubrey didn't mind dating girls – heck, she'd went out with more girls than guys.
But we're best friends.
Deciding against her better judgment, Chloe kept these overpowering feelings to herself. Her attempts were largely successful – her goodwill and love hidden and camouflaged by the huge BFF sign hanging over their heads. She was partly relieved and partly disappointed when Aubrey announced the next morning that she would concentrate on her studies instead of spending time with "pointless and utterly boring dates". At least, she won't be dating anyone. We could stay like this forever. Just me and her. Chloe'd thought, smiling along as she watched the blonde flurry around the kitchen to prepare them breakfast.
Oh how wrong she was.
Her heartbreak came during sophomore year in college. Both of them were readily accepted into Barden University – Aubrey entering law faculty whilst Chloe accepted her scholarship in medicine. They also formed a tight-knit group of friends with 6 other girls: Stacie, Cynthia Rose, Lilly, Jessica, Ashley and Denise. They would meet for lunch on the quad with their heavily-packed picnic baskets and a large red checkered blanket. Sometimes they would stay on to read or simply chat; other times they'd break into songs and merriment. Stacie would then wink conspiratorially at them, sliding out a bottle of moscato rose from her bag. It was great times and Chloe would glance over at her BFF, smiling brightly as she mirrored her best friend's expression. Aubrey would sometimes catch her looking and throw her a knowing glance while wriggling her eye brows at her. Chloe'd laughed, both at Aubrey's silliness and her ignorance.
One fine afternoon after a hearty lunch, they lounged around, enjoying the sunny spring weather. The air was still cold enough for them to need a light jacket, but the sun was warm enough for them to hang out in the open. Aubrey was talking animatedly with Chloe, furnishing her with details from her civil law classes when she stopped abruptly. The redhead had frowned and followed her line of vision, looking up to find three silhouettes that stood over them – their backs against the sun. The tallest one was obviously Stacie but she couldn't recognize the other two.
The busty brunette had grinned as she sat down next to Cynthia Rose on the blanket, reaching up to pull the newcomers towards her. Chloe darted her eyes between the two: a broad blonde with her hair tied up in a short ponytail flashed her a wide grin, introducing herself as Fat Amy (this made for loud chuckles around the group), and a short and petite brunette with cascading chocolate brown locks that fell naturally at her shoulders on which held her chunky, beat-up headphones. The latter had smirked and waved slightly at the group, introducing herself as Beca. Chloe turned to her best friend, wanting to get an opinion from her regarding the brunette when she paused. Her mouth hanging in midair as she watched Aubrey flashed the widest grin at the said girl. Her emerald green eyes twinkled with a glint Chloe had never seen before.
In that moment, she knew. In the midst of her heart shattering into millions of tiny pieces, a small, still voice boomed inside her.
It's over. She had missed her chance.
The BFF sign weighed down heavily upon her shoulders as she witnessed Aubrey falling deep into an abyss called love. It was love at first sight and it was not. The bickering and banters that followed after that first meeting were endless, and the group was relieved that these butt-headings were at least entertaining. Chloe wasn't convinced that her best friend would fall for someone as unorthodox as Beca – what with all the tattoos and eyeliner overdose, and she was wrong. The small brunette had gathered the help from Fat Amy and Stacie, blindsiding the tall blonde on her way to class with a moving serenade. Aubrey had cried and Beca had cried (despite her vehement stance that she did not shed any tear), and they were together ever since.
It's really over.
She would stand next to the huge tree in the corner of the quad as she watched the two lovebirds snuggling against each other as they shared a book and a drink. The remaining friends also stood nearby, shaking their heads at the scene. They were happy and filled with proud bliss for the couple, but they couldn't deny the nagging feeling of sympathy towards their favorite redhead. They knew, and they helped kept her secret.
The BFF word was now a translucent veil – a safety net for the redhead and her heart (or at least what's left of it).
Chloe blinked away her tears as she leaned into Aubrey's hand, feeling its warmth against her soft cheek. Emerald greens steeled on ceruleans, silence descended upon them once more. Chloe could see the pain and hurt that boiled inside those eyes. She could see the memories of Beca and Aubrey and their times together flitting through those orbs.
She couldn't see herself.
Slowly, she wrapped her fingers around Aubrey's hand and gently pulled them downwards, placing it over her left chest. Aubrey remained unmoved, her face now a painful blank.
"Can you feel me, Brey?" The blonde nodded, pressing into Chloe's chest.
"Your heart's beating so fast, Becs." Chloe bit her lower lip harder, deliberating her next move and words. She knew whatever that's going to happen will further squash her last hope and grind her heart into ashes.
But this is Aubrey Posen. My Aubrey Posen.
"That's because I'm anxious for you. You look like you haven't bathed or washed in days, Brey." The blonde flushed, her hand pulled back a little but still remaining on her chest.
"I- I-"
"Come, let's get you washed up." Chloe stood up, bringing Aubrey up with her. The blonde quietly obeyed, her hand still on her chest.
"Are you mad at me, B?" Chloe shook her head, leading them down the hallway to the bathroom. She sat Aubrey down on the toilet before turning on the tap, making sure the water was warm enough. When she turned around, she gulped. She has seen the blonde naked many times but this was another level altogether. The blonde's hair was matted and dull, her skin covered with a thin layer of grim and dirt; her face streaked with tear stains. Chloe sniffed hard to choke back her tears as she guided the blonde into the shower.
Aubrey quietly lifted her arms and legs to give the redhead more access as the latter washed her up. She turned around and purred as Chloe rubbed hard against her back. Her muscles were stiff – result of lying in bed for so long, and Chloe tried her hardest to massage those knots away. Tears flowed down and onto the pool of water beneath but she ignored them, trying her hardest to recall the way Beca would do her massages for the blonde. She'd seen them doing it on the couch – Aubrey on her stomach whilst Beca rubbed hard into her back muscles.
"So good, Beca," the blonde purred louder this time, her muscles tensing up once more. Chloe stopped her ministrations as Aubrey suddenly wheeled around. She gasped when the blonde caught her by the wrist, ignoring the suds running down her forearms as she slammed her into the nearest wall. The redhead winced at the impact but kept her cool as Aubrey leaned in dangerously close to her. She could feel her bed breath upon her face, those emerald green pools merciless as they pored into hers.
Her eyes widened as Aubrey's soft lips clamped down on hers. She wanted to move, she wanted to tear herself away and slap her best friend across the face to wake her senses. But she didn't. She couldn't. She has waited for this moment for so long, gasping slightly when Aubrey ripped her drenched blouse off and wandered her hand down her neck to her breasts, along the taut line of her abs to the place where she could feel heat building up. Her eyes fluttered close, ignoring the nagging guilt that pang at the apex of her heart.
I need to live for myself.
She canted her hip towards Aubrey's hand, feeling the tension mounting. It was pleasurable, it was heaven.
Just as how I'd always imagined the first time to be.
And then it stopped. Her eyes shot open once more and regretting the moment they fell on the crumpling figure in front of her. Aubrey was seated in the pool of soapy water, her tears mixed with the shower. Chloe sighed and ran her hand through her auburn locks, closing her eyes to recall and savor that last moment.
"I'm so sorry, Chlo."
The redhead's eyes shot open and she bowed her head. Her heart stalling at the sight of a broken Aubrey looking up at her like a kicked puppy. Her soft pink lips were trembling and her eyes welled and puffy. She looked as if she'd done something terribly wrong. But she hadn't.
I did.
"Aubrey..."
"I- It was just so... It's so painful without her, Chlo. It's fucking painful and I'm fucking dying."
"Hush now. Let's get you dressed." Aubrey jerked away from her hands, her eyes flashing dangerously.
"No! I don't want to get dressed. I want to catch a cold. A pneumonia if I could!"
"Wha-"
"So that I could die, Chlo! So that I can die."
Smack!
Aubrey stood still with her head tilted to the left; her right cheek stinging and slowly swelling up. Chloe was now taking huge breaths to calm herself down. She has never been this furious with her best friend before and she certainly thought this would be the last place for such emotion to play out. She scoffed aloud and wrapped her hands tightly around the blonde's wrist, pulling her up and dragging her back to her bedroom.
The friends have cleared out Beca's stuff into boxes, storing them in her studio down the hallway opposite the bathroom. They didn't want to at first, wanting to respect Beca but when Aubrey reached the 2nd week of not leaving her room, they'd no choice but to do so – a valiant effort to help the blonde move on. They knew she'd never forget the short brunette but they also knew having her things around wouldn't be the wisest thing either.
Aubrey stood still as Chloe dressed her in simple shorts and sweats. She watched as Chloe dressed herself before changing the sheets and making the bed – rearranging the pillows and the blankets before gently guiding the blonde to sit on its edge. Chloe went to the kitchen and returned with two cups of hot cocoa. She handed one to Aubrey, smiling when the blonde took it without any objection. Their eyes met again and Chloe felt a tiny spark.
Is her Aubrey finally back?
After a few moments of silence, Aubrey cleared her throat. She shifted slightly so that she's facing the redhead; Chloe remained still with her eyes trained forward. She couldn't lose it – she couldn't lose herself again.
"I'm sorry, Chlo."
"I know. Don't worry about it, Brey."
The blonde sighed and placed her empty cup atop the dresser, ignoring the tray of food that has now turned cold. She then reached into the drawer and pulled out a diary. Chloe arched her eyebrows at the unfamiliar item, waiting for Aubrey to speak. The blonde opened the booklet to the last page where a list was scribbled haphazardly on it. Chloe found a small smile making its way up her face as she recognized that handwriting. It wasn't deliberately written that way – it was just Beca. Good old Beca.
"Fat Amy came over yesterday when you were in the shower. She handed me this and said that it contained all that I should know, before..." Her voice trailed off as memories from that day flooded her mind again. Chloe was quick to hand her a napkin, squeezing her arm to let her know it's okay to take her time.
They had all the time in the world.
The blonde took a deep breath and wiped away her tears. She handed the booklet over to Chloe gently, her eyes fixed on those scribbling.
"So I read it. I read it quickly. And a small part of me wished I hadn't... But I did. It was almost like her last wish, you know? And now I understand why was the setlist so important to her..."
She paused as another wave of tears struck her; her chest heaving up and down as sobs wracked her body. Chloe threw a comforting arm around her shoulders, pulling her towards her and letting her head nestle in the crook of her neck. This was what she should do. It's her duty as a BFF. Her obligation despite the aching that pounded on her heart.
"Why was it so important?" She prompted, tilting her head down so that she could look at her most favorite person.
The blonde didn't reply and simply ran her finger down the first letter of each line in the list. Chloe followed her indication and her eyes widened in realization.
Maybe – Ingrid Michaelson
Anyone Else but You – Michael Cera & Ellen Page
Re: Stacks – Bon Iver
Rocketeer – Clara C
Yellow – Coldplay
Mountain and the Sea – Ingrid Michaelson
Everlasting Love – Jamie Cullum
How could she have not noticed that?
Both girls were shaking hard right now and for different reasons. Chloe's own sobs racked through her and broke her last resolve ever since Beca came into the picture. But now she's gone, and Chloe had to step back in to fill her void. In that moment, she felt so small and weak; she felt incapacitated by the overwhelming emotions that pulsed through her being.
"I'm so sorry, Brey." She barely managed to choke out, forcing those emerald green eyes to snap back to hers. She reached up to cup Aubrey's cheeks, pulling her close to her and leaning their foreheads together. Their breaths mixed together and they breathed as one.
"I'm very sorry too, Chlo. To both of you."
The redhead flashed her a small smile before pulling her back into her bosom, wrapping her arms around Aubrey's slender back. She leaned her lips into Aubrey's ear and began to sing. Her voice melodic and soft although she was treading onto unsure grounds, willing herself to sing her part right and ignoring the growing wet patches on her shoulder as she let her best friend cry it out.
Here we go, come with me / there's a world out there that we should see / take my hand, close your eyes / 'cause with you here, I'm a rocketeer / let's fly / up here we go, oh let's fly / Where we go, we don't them roads / where we stop, oh nobody knows / to the stars, if you really want / i got a jetpack, with your name on / to the clouds in the atmosphere / say the word, and babe we're outta here / hold my hand if you're really scared / going up, up, flying out of here / here we go, come with me / there's a world out there that we should see / take my hand, close your eyes / 'cause with you right here, I'm a rocketeer
Her smile grew wider when she felt Aubrey pulling her impossibly closer towards her – their bodies melded together as the blonde's hands clutched on tightly to the back of Chloe's shirt and balling them in her fists. In that moment, she knew and it's okay; they had time.
"I'm your rocketeer."