Author: Holly
Email: shipperslut@hotmail.com
Website:
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Pairing: Hawkeye/Trapper
Archive: Just tell me where it's going
"Unfortunately his prognosis is not good. He has suffered damage to the brain as a result of the impact, and is currently in a coma. Due to the swelling on the brain it does not appear that he will ever wake up. It means that-"
"I know what it means. I'm a doctor. Could you give us a few minutes?"
"Of course Dr McIntyre, I'll be back soon and then we can maybe talk some more."
He leaves the room, and I take Hawkeye's hand in my own. It seems odd to see him just laying there, still and lifeless, completely opposite to what he was like in life. His skin against mine seemed almost white, almost ghostly. His once black hair just seems limp against his face, no longer having the iridescent shine I was so used to seeing. I smooth some away from his face to gain a clearer look, realising just how pale he is.
I shouldn't even be in here, the doctors said family only, but if I'm not family, then who is?
I've known him for 28 years, half my life, and since we met in Korea we've been inseparable. I can't imagine my life without him anymore; he's woven his way into ever corner of it. We were best friends out there, leaning on each other for support through the bad times. Sometimes we just needed more than that, and for brief interludes, we were lovers. Those nights are the ones that stuck in my head over everything because they were special; they were the nights that we had no boundaries and we could be ourselves.
28 years is a long time to know someone. I can't think of one other people I've known for as long as I've known him, and I can't think of one other person who I love as much as I love him. He told me that when I left without a goodbye, it almost killed him because he was so in love with me he couldn't see straight anymore. At that moment I loved him more than ever, and I told him so. Since that day we haven't spent a day apart.
I love him more than anything in the world, he is my life, which is why it's killing me to see him like this – Hawkeye shouldn't be deathly pale, he should be vibrant with life and joking with me about something. He should be leaning against my chest as we lay in bed on a Sunday morning, the only time our small practice is closed.
I cry gently into him chest, not wanting to gain the attention of the hospital staff, because if I did then they'd realise why I cared so much, and I can't let that happen. If they knew that they wouldn't let me in here, and I can't leave him here alone.
We've always been very secretive about our relationship, for 25 years there have only been five people who have ever known. They never have told anyone, they just kept up the pretence that we were two old bachelors who didn't want to get married. It seemed to work, no one ever suspected that we were anything more than friends.
But we're more than friends – we're family, and we have been ever since the first time we made martinis together. And although I'm not legally family, I'm the only family that he's known for a long time now, and I feel like we're family. It's why they allowed me in.
He looks so frail just lying there in bed. I stare at his pale face, tears still running down my cheeks. I realise that he won't want to live like this – although he values the human life more than anything I just can't see him wanting to be held in a permanent vegetative state, lying in a hospital bed for the rest of his life.
"Dr McIntyre? Can I come in?
I beckon him in and wipe my eyes.
"Have you made a decision about Dr Pierce yet?"
"Yes. Turn them off. I can't see him wanting to live like this doctor."
"Is there anyone else that I should call before I do?"
"No, there's just me. I'm the only family he's got left."
He gives me an incredulous look, and I know I have said too much, because his gaze flickers from me to Hawkeye and then back again. Slowly, he turns the respirator off, leaving the room in silence.
"You can have 10 more minutes Dr McIntyre."
He leaves the room quietly so as not to disturb me. I barely hold it together while he leaves, and when he does, I break down sobbing into the bed sheets, trying to stop crying so that I can say goodbye.
I place a kiss on his lips, and for the first time I don't care if anyone sees me do it, I just want him to know he was loved.
"Hey Hawk. I'm gonna miss you, you know that? You've been such a big part of my life for what seems like forever, and I can't believe that you're really gone."
My voice cracks on the last word, tears brimming in my eyes again.
"I love you Hawk, I always will. I hope you knew because I told you enough times. I know you loved me; it was about the only thing you ever said that penetrated my brain. I miss you already, but I know that you wouldn't have wanted this. And it's better this way, at least, I hope it is. I think I have to go now, the doctor here is already starting to work something out, and he wants me here for as least time as possible. I love you, don't forget that. Goodbye Hawk."
I move out of the chair at his bedside and put on my coat, bracing myself for the outside weather. I slip past reception quietly, not wanting anyone to see me leave. As I walk outside into the cold air of winter, I think about Hawkeye and for the first time in a long time, I think about Korea and all the bad things that happened.
I'm just glad that we made it home. 28 years is a long time to know a person, and to spend 25 years with the person you love is really something special.
I doubt that I will ever find love again – especially the kind of love between me and Hawkeye – love like that only comes once in a lifetime, and I've had mine for this one.
When I arrive home my feet take me straight to the bedroom, and I stare at all the photos of me and him. I pick up one of us both smiling, taken about 20 years ago. I smile for the first time since he was admitted to the hospital, because I know that he can get me through this, even though he's not here.
I stare at the photo for a while longer, remembering the day it was taken. I replace the photo and climb into bed for some much needed sleep. As my eyes close I'm sure that I can feel his body against mine, but when I open my eyes there's only an empty space where he should be.
Sometimes memories are the things that pull you through situations, and I know that this will be one of those times. He was so strong that even though he's gone, a part of him still remains here with me, and that small part will allow me to cope through anything.
Tomorrow I'll let myself think of him, but tonight all I want to do is sleep. I close my eyes again and drift off into a peaceful slumber.