I wish you knew

Dear Mr. Yuy,

I only hope that you read this letter till its end. Even if you believe it to be a fabrication I only ask that you read it. This letter is in no way meant to harm you but to inform you and perhaps, wishfully, fulfill you in some way. Please know that I have no expectations of you for you have far exceeded them all. I am forever proud, grateful, and want nothing more than your happiness.

Your father was Schamotta Issei. He was a half German and Japanese individual who maintained a somber disposition. I met him one night at a gala at someone's mansion. I did not know whose it was at all for you see, a friend and I snuck in. We were awful misbehaving teenagers who together got ourselves into many a peccadillo. Truly, it was the main reason I was not invited into such events. I was indeed a part of their social circle and had I behaved I would most likely be having tea with Relena Peacecraft herself. However, I hated the segregation of social classes. My best friend was someone who hung around outside my private school. Juniper was a wonderful girl whom I believed to be my true love. She was most certainly my first love.

Regardless, I met your father through her. She found out all about the fancy shindigs through him and he found out about our shenanigans through her. To this day their relationship eludes me. I was anxious to meet her informant and I later discovered he was just as anxious to meet me. When I met him I was terribly disappointed.

Whereas my friend was the pinnacle of the verve of life he was the immaculate nature of monotony. Or so I thought. He had dark roan brown hair that he pulled back into a most severe braid. I suppose it would be somewhat like Mr. Chang's and Mr. Maxwell's combined. He was buffed an polished like everyone else in my social class and was pretty much a stuffed shirt. But there were depths I could not imagine. The moment I fell in love with him was the moment he got on the stage that night.

He sang. Not like many of the pop idols of different eras or the famed opera singers. He simply sang as though whatever was stuffing his shirt needed to break free. He had a true baritone voice that simply swept me away but it was his hair that made me love him. As he sang, a single lock of hair came loose from his braid. It gently bobbed along his forehead and then simply cupped his face. I knew all was not what it seemed. I was right.

In a few more months I discovered that he was connected with the Japanese Yakuza. He was a test subject of these substances that altered and enhanced his physical capabilities. However, he was the second test subject. Juniper was the first. But she outsmarted them or so she said. The sassy girl went and picked up AIDS gladly. Whereas Issei had volunteered, Juniper had been forced. I cried for them as they laughed at me. Juniper died soon afterward much to my mother's joy. It was in my mother's joy did I realize just how much I hated the world I existed in.

My mother donated money to the Yakuza for the tests. My father was a deceased mobster. It all sounded so bizarre but true. The day of Juniper's death I cried in the arms of Issei. That night he told me he never really wanted to enter the Yakuza. He was simply good at it…that was till Juniper told him about me. Apparently she always said I was dumb as a rock but more fun than a barrel of monkeys. He liked me for my naïveté but loved me for the wit that got Juniper and me out of trouble and uncaught.

Soon after we tried to run away from everything. Running away from the wrong never seems to work. It still doesn't really. He tried to retire on his pay and I always felt guilty for using dirty money. It's something we never really understood about each other but regardless, we did love each other. We lived humbly for a while and we believed things had settled down. That's when I became pregnant with you. Despite all the horrid things many women say about pregnancy, I guarantee you Mr. Yuy that they were the best nine months of my life.

I never wanted to be like my mother who withheld love. Issei rubbed my belly and I tried to infuse you with all my love. I planned on how I would kiss even the smallest of your cuts better. I became so impatient for you that I began to read you bedtime stories while you were in there. I even made your father sing lullabies. I swore that I would bake you chocolate chip oatmeal cookies every Friday at 5:00 p.m. so that you would have a treat at the end of the week. And every Sunday would be family day. When you became a rebellious teen I would get Issei to spar with you and work out your frustration. I would help you with your homework and croon to you at night. I would say:

"I love you forever

I like you for always

As long as you're living

My baby you'll be."

Then you were finally born on February 9th. I chose a name to bless you, my son. But, what good is a blessing you do not know and cannot define. But I thought you should know now. Not for me, but for yourself. You should know that you were loved. You deserve to know that you were loved.

I named you Akanke. It was my hope that all who met you would love you. But, I do not believe that this became true. All through the war I wanted to tell you "You are loved, you are loved." I saw you at a private school and I knew it was you. I snuck in but you were gone.

Three months later your father was found. When he refused to return to the lab, he was gunned down. You were in the backroom of the little bookshop we owned and managed. I saw him killed and turned to run towards you. But, they had already entered. That night you were carried off by an old friend of Issei's: Odin Lowe. Though he had not stopped what happened to me that night, he did not participate either. He told me he would care for you aand then left me for dead. I survived.

A loyal patron came to purchase a book and saw me…and saved me. I vowed to get you back but I had no means. I shut down the shop and took Issei's dirty money to follow you. I went back to my mother. She attempted to poison me.

I wish I knew what happened to you. I wish you could have known that you were loved. I wish could have held you and read to you and protected you. I wish I could have been there for your first love and I wish you had some semblance of normalcy. All trough the war all I did was hide and wish and look for you. But, I did not know your name…nor where you would turn up. I finally returned to my bookstore. I followed you here and have watched you know for nine months. Issei's old friends have found me again but have not struck. So I will be leaving before they can. But before I said goodbye to you again I wanted to tell you…

Even though I have not laughed with you, cried with you, or felt pain with you, know that I love you.

Your mother.

Heero Yuy stared at the bloodied piece of parchment in his hand. He had found it in the coat pocket of the rather vivacious book shop keeper. He frequented their often as she always seemed so understanding with him. She had become a friend. She now lay dying in a hospital with a bullet wound through her head…her tenacity for life was admirable. The doctors had found the envelope and handed it to him. It was addressed to him so he had read it. Now he didn't know if that was a good idea. He just didn't know.