written by misanoe
***
In the nearly empty parking lot of the JAG offices, Mac sat alone in the driver's seat of her parked car. It was late, the early winter night black and clear. Resting the back of her head against her seat, she stared blankly at her car's navy blue interior.
Void. That was how she felt inside. There was a nothingness gnawing inside her, constantly pressing down on her- crushing her. She was suffocating in this mindless routine of her life. She woke up in the morning, took her shower, brushed her teeth and ate her breakfast. Drive to work, drive home, everyday the same people, the same things. There was no progression- her life had become as stagnant as her relationship with Harm.
Another Christmas was fast approaching. Everyone would go to Bud and Harriet's to celebrate the blessings of another year together. And while she loved each individual that would be at that Christmas dinner, she did not think she could go through a night smothered by the genuine joy of those around her, a painfully forced smile pasted on her face all night.
Then there would be Harm. And if the universe was moving on schedule, he would bring his latest girlfriend yet find a way to send her one long, lost, look of unrequited love, forcing her to reevaluate his feelings for her once again so she could arrive at the same damn heartbreaking conclusion.
She couldn't do it again this year. She couldn't.
It was 1923 hours and she was late for dinner with Harm. The thought of spending another evening in Harm's company sent a wave a panic through her body. He would talk about Laura. He would be happy. He would be hesitant. He would make her miserable. Closing her eyes she took deep breaths to calm the anxiety clawing inside her.
Stop it, she berated herself. She was being silly. Harm was her friend. She didn't know how, but she would find the strength to start her car and go directly to Harm. She was a Marine, she would manage.
***
"I want the first flight out of here and I don't care where it takes me as long as it's far away."
The women's brightly painted smile never faltered as she listened to the odd request of the obviously disturbed female Marine. Without question, she immediately began tapping away at the computer in front of her, scanning the screen with a well trained eye.
"Our next flight is at 11:55pm t-"
"I'll take it." Her interruption was abrupt, accompanied by a credit card and id.
"Will that be a round trip or one way ticket ma'am?"
Even in her state of high stress, the sensible and currently detached part of Mac's brain took time to admire the never changing expression of the attendant before her. Shaking the random thought out of her head, she looked at the expectant female in confusion.
"Will that be a round trip?" She repeated.
Without thinking, Mac shook her head. "One way."
***
Coward, Mac berated herself from the safety of her seat on an airplane flying far away from Virginia. After building up her resolve for nearly an hour, the shrill ringing of her phone snapped her out of her daze. It had been Harm and without stopping to question why, she had taken the battery out of her phone. Tossing it over her shoulder in her backseat far from sight, she sighed in resignation and started her car.
She had driven all the way to his place, seen the lights through his window then continued on her merry way. Thirty minutes later she ended up in front of the closest airport still in uniform, with only her purse clutched desperately at her waist.
Looking out the window, she felt a stab of guilt at the thought of her worrying friend she could not bring herself to contact before her impulsive departure. But his voice would make her falter and she would be ensnared forever.
She despised herself for being pitifully weak and selfish, running because she couldn't handle the grind of life. Some strong Marine she turned out to be. Familiar childhood feelings of self worthlessness surfaced to strangle her. Digging her back firmly against her seat she closed her eyes and tried to remember how to breathe.
***
Webb mindlessly followed the other first class passengers being herded off the airplane. Dead tired, as soon as his body hit the plush chair he had passed out in exhaustion, waking only when a blonde attendant had gently tapped his shoulder, calling his name.
Disorientated, for a brief moment he thought he was still in Russia, taking several seconds to realize he was on a commercial plane and they had just landed.
His body was painfully sore, muscles aching from the harsh physical demands of his latest excursion. A fresh cut now joined the crop of faded scars littered all over various parts of his body. Dragging his bruised body through the airport, he walked the familiar path to the baggage terminal, thanking god he had finished ahead of schedule and would have time to recuperate.
The strain of his job was getting to him. He was always tired now. His body was weighted down with a weariness that anchored in the pit of his soul, making the simplest tasks near impossible to accomplish with his usual expediency. His sharp mind was beginning to draw blanks every time he tried to think, making his work dangerously sloppy.
If he wasn't so damn tired he would have been furious at himself for the recent catastrophe he should have anticipated and barely averted through sheer luck. If this continued, he was going to get himself killed. Dread made his throat dry as he thought of the consequences of any simple mistake. He was going to get someone else killed.
Dark thoughts swimming in his head, his vision became blurry from the throbbing in his temples and he almost didn't notice the forlorn uniformed female staring blankly at the empty air in front of her.
"What are you doing here?" It slipped out of his mouth harsher then he meant, but she startled him with her unexplained appearance, putting him on the defensive and making him snippier then usual.
"I could ask you the same thing." If she was surprised to see him, it didn't show, and her voice sounded as dead as he felt.
"You could," he shot back, somewhat irritated at her response.
She didn't ask- just stood there mute, her large brown eyes staring sightlessly past him, not really registering anything at all. He took the time to study her. Her normally impeccable uniform was wrinkled, shoulders slumped with a burden he could only imagine the cause of. Whatever the hell she was doing here, she looked like she needed a friend.
"I'm leaving." His voice was brusque and he knew was being an ass leaving her here, but he really didn't see why he should care. If she wanted a friend she could talk to Rabb, wherever the hell he was. His eyes darted around for a moment at the thought of Harm. Where Mac was, Rabb was sure to be a step behind. Or was it the other way. he mentally shook the thoughts of the inseparable pair out of his head. Webb had enough issues to deal with without dissecting the perverse relationship between the troublesome two-some. They could deal with their own shit; he wanted to leave the airport.
***
He didn't feel guilty he told himself. Tapping his foot impatiently on the tiled floor, waiting for his suitcase to come around the conveyer, he absently rubbed the bridge of his nose.
He did not feel guilty.
There was his bag, slowly moving towards him at the pace of a fucking snail. He was getting irritable. but that didn't always mean he felt guilty. A sharp pang attacked his conscious as he closed his eyes to the last image of Mac he held clearly in his head. He would not go back because he did not feel guilty.
"Damn it," he growled under his breath as the bag finally came within his reach. Grabbing it, he dropped it on the floor with more force then necessary and stalked towards where he last left the Colonel.
After several minutes he reached his destination, looking around in frustration. Where the hell did she go? Annoyed, angry and tired, he took out his cell phone and pound in a number. Instinct was moving him now, telling him something was off and refusing to let him leave with a clear conscious until checking.
The phone was picked up on the first ring and he could hear the uneasiness in Rabb's voice on the other end.
"Hello, hello? Mac, is that you?"
In ill humor, Webb didn't bother to answer the pleas of Rabb and snapped his phone shut. It was obvious she wasn't with Rabb, and since Rabb didn't know where she was, she wasn't on a case and this little trip of hers must have been unplanned. And now he too, leaving her in a state of obliviousness, did not know where she was.
Beautiful, just beautiful he remarked snidely in his head as he stormed off to search for her, all the while wondering why he bothered.
***
It was pouring outside. The bustle of people that came off the flight with her had already scampered to the protection of awaiting cars.
No one waiting for you here, a nagging voice inside her head informed her. Listlessly she looked around, wondering what insanity had led her to God knows where without the foresight to make any kind of plans. She didn't even bring a damn jacket.
"How can you be so stupid," she whispered to herself, willing herself to stop the craziness and go back to take the first flight home. But the thought of what was waiting for her there made her heart clamp painfully up inside her body, and she stood listlessly outside in the crisp cold, the wind biting her flushed cheeks as she tried to think a single coherent thought.
Staring at the floor and contemplating her one option, she only heard the sound of a car door being slammed shut, not noticing the person in front of her until a warm jacket was thrust towards her hands.
"Here."
Looking up, her eyes widened at the sight of Clayton Webb in a three piece suit minus the jacket. The jacket he was now expectantly holding out to her. There must have been a look of bewilderment on her face that made his jaw tighten in exasperation. Snatching the jacket away from her, he deftly pulled it around her shoulders.
"It's cold, let's get in the car."
Walking to the curb in front of them, he opened the backseat door to a dark car and turned towards her waiting for her to follow. Mac briefly recalled his earlier abrupt departure and wondered why he was still here. Standing still in front of the door, his face was unreadable, intelligent green eyes focusing intently on her face waiting patiently for a decision.
She had two options now. Go back home to Harm, or follow Webb. Webb must have seen something in her face that gave away her thoughts, a small trademark smirk appearing as she finally made her way towards him.
Getting in, she was immediately enveloped in the warmth inside the heated car. Sliding to the side so Webb could follow, she let her tense body relax against the soft leather seat. She closed her eyes and heard the door shut a moment after a comforting weight settled in next to her.
The car shifted and Mac could feel the vehicle slowly accelerating as it got onto the road. Webb didn't offer any conversation and for now, she was thankful for the silence. A calm that had eluded her for months steadily crept inside her and she sighed with relief, enormously glad she hadn't gone back.
For years now she knew where the road with Harm led. Her love for him chained her on the road to self destruction. And as time went by, the knowledge choked her, filled her with a resignation of the inevitable. Someday he would unknowingly suffocate her and she would willingly let him.
She didn't know why, how or where Webb was taking her. The only thing that mattered was the euphoria that filled her lungs with the sweetest air as she took that first step away from Harm onto the unknown.
***
***
In the nearly empty parking lot of the JAG offices, Mac sat alone in the driver's seat of her parked car. It was late, the early winter night black and clear. Resting the back of her head against her seat, she stared blankly at her car's navy blue interior.
Void. That was how she felt inside. There was a nothingness gnawing inside her, constantly pressing down on her- crushing her. She was suffocating in this mindless routine of her life. She woke up in the morning, took her shower, brushed her teeth and ate her breakfast. Drive to work, drive home, everyday the same people, the same things. There was no progression- her life had become as stagnant as her relationship with Harm.
Another Christmas was fast approaching. Everyone would go to Bud and Harriet's to celebrate the blessings of another year together. And while she loved each individual that would be at that Christmas dinner, she did not think she could go through a night smothered by the genuine joy of those around her, a painfully forced smile pasted on her face all night.
Then there would be Harm. And if the universe was moving on schedule, he would bring his latest girlfriend yet find a way to send her one long, lost, look of unrequited love, forcing her to reevaluate his feelings for her once again so she could arrive at the same damn heartbreaking conclusion.
She couldn't do it again this year. She couldn't.
It was 1923 hours and she was late for dinner with Harm. The thought of spending another evening in Harm's company sent a wave a panic through her body. He would talk about Laura. He would be happy. He would be hesitant. He would make her miserable. Closing her eyes she took deep breaths to calm the anxiety clawing inside her.
Stop it, she berated herself. She was being silly. Harm was her friend. She didn't know how, but she would find the strength to start her car and go directly to Harm. She was a Marine, she would manage.
***
"I want the first flight out of here and I don't care where it takes me as long as it's far away."
The women's brightly painted smile never faltered as she listened to the odd request of the obviously disturbed female Marine. Without question, she immediately began tapping away at the computer in front of her, scanning the screen with a well trained eye.
"Our next flight is at 11:55pm t-"
"I'll take it." Her interruption was abrupt, accompanied by a credit card and id.
"Will that be a round trip or one way ticket ma'am?"
Even in her state of high stress, the sensible and currently detached part of Mac's brain took time to admire the never changing expression of the attendant before her. Shaking the random thought out of her head, she looked at the expectant female in confusion.
"Will that be a round trip?" She repeated.
Without thinking, Mac shook her head. "One way."
***
Coward, Mac berated herself from the safety of her seat on an airplane flying far away from Virginia. After building up her resolve for nearly an hour, the shrill ringing of her phone snapped her out of her daze. It had been Harm and without stopping to question why, she had taken the battery out of her phone. Tossing it over her shoulder in her backseat far from sight, she sighed in resignation and started her car.
She had driven all the way to his place, seen the lights through his window then continued on her merry way. Thirty minutes later she ended up in front of the closest airport still in uniform, with only her purse clutched desperately at her waist.
Looking out the window, she felt a stab of guilt at the thought of her worrying friend she could not bring herself to contact before her impulsive departure. But his voice would make her falter and she would be ensnared forever.
She despised herself for being pitifully weak and selfish, running because she couldn't handle the grind of life. Some strong Marine she turned out to be. Familiar childhood feelings of self worthlessness surfaced to strangle her. Digging her back firmly against her seat she closed her eyes and tried to remember how to breathe.
***
Webb mindlessly followed the other first class passengers being herded off the airplane. Dead tired, as soon as his body hit the plush chair he had passed out in exhaustion, waking only when a blonde attendant had gently tapped his shoulder, calling his name.
Disorientated, for a brief moment he thought he was still in Russia, taking several seconds to realize he was on a commercial plane and they had just landed.
His body was painfully sore, muscles aching from the harsh physical demands of his latest excursion. A fresh cut now joined the crop of faded scars littered all over various parts of his body. Dragging his bruised body through the airport, he walked the familiar path to the baggage terminal, thanking god he had finished ahead of schedule and would have time to recuperate.
The strain of his job was getting to him. He was always tired now. His body was weighted down with a weariness that anchored in the pit of his soul, making the simplest tasks near impossible to accomplish with his usual expediency. His sharp mind was beginning to draw blanks every time he tried to think, making his work dangerously sloppy.
If he wasn't so damn tired he would have been furious at himself for the recent catastrophe he should have anticipated and barely averted through sheer luck. If this continued, he was going to get himself killed. Dread made his throat dry as he thought of the consequences of any simple mistake. He was going to get someone else killed.
Dark thoughts swimming in his head, his vision became blurry from the throbbing in his temples and he almost didn't notice the forlorn uniformed female staring blankly at the empty air in front of her.
"What are you doing here?" It slipped out of his mouth harsher then he meant, but she startled him with her unexplained appearance, putting him on the defensive and making him snippier then usual.
"I could ask you the same thing." If she was surprised to see him, it didn't show, and her voice sounded as dead as he felt.
"You could," he shot back, somewhat irritated at her response.
She didn't ask- just stood there mute, her large brown eyes staring sightlessly past him, not really registering anything at all. He took the time to study her. Her normally impeccable uniform was wrinkled, shoulders slumped with a burden he could only imagine the cause of. Whatever the hell she was doing here, she looked like she needed a friend.
"I'm leaving." His voice was brusque and he knew was being an ass leaving her here, but he really didn't see why he should care. If she wanted a friend she could talk to Rabb, wherever the hell he was. His eyes darted around for a moment at the thought of Harm. Where Mac was, Rabb was sure to be a step behind. Or was it the other way. he mentally shook the thoughts of the inseparable pair out of his head. Webb had enough issues to deal with without dissecting the perverse relationship between the troublesome two-some. They could deal with their own shit; he wanted to leave the airport.
***
He didn't feel guilty he told himself. Tapping his foot impatiently on the tiled floor, waiting for his suitcase to come around the conveyer, he absently rubbed the bridge of his nose.
He did not feel guilty.
There was his bag, slowly moving towards him at the pace of a fucking snail. He was getting irritable. but that didn't always mean he felt guilty. A sharp pang attacked his conscious as he closed his eyes to the last image of Mac he held clearly in his head. He would not go back because he did not feel guilty.
"Damn it," he growled under his breath as the bag finally came within his reach. Grabbing it, he dropped it on the floor with more force then necessary and stalked towards where he last left the Colonel.
After several minutes he reached his destination, looking around in frustration. Where the hell did she go? Annoyed, angry and tired, he took out his cell phone and pound in a number. Instinct was moving him now, telling him something was off and refusing to let him leave with a clear conscious until checking.
The phone was picked up on the first ring and he could hear the uneasiness in Rabb's voice on the other end.
"Hello, hello? Mac, is that you?"
In ill humor, Webb didn't bother to answer the pleas of Rabb and snapped his phone shut. It was obvious she wasn't with Rabb, and since Rabb didn't know where she was, she wasn't on a case and this little trip of hers must have been unplanned. And now he too, leaving her in a state of obliviousness, did not know where she was.
Beautiful, just beautiful he remarked snidely in his head as he stormed off to search for her, all the while wondering why he bothered.
***
It was pouring outside. The bustle of people that came off the flight with her had already scampered to the protection of awaiting cars.
No one waiting for you here, a nagging voice inside her head informed her. Listlessly she looked around, wondering what insanity had led her to God knows where without the foresight to make any kind of plans. She didn't even bring a damn jacket.
"How can you be so stupid," she whispered to herself, willing herself to stop the craziness and go back to take the first flight home. But the thought of what was waiting for her there made her heart clamp painfully up inside her body, and she stood listlessly outside in the crisp cold, the wind biting her flushed cheeks as she tried to think a single coherent thought.
Staring at the floor and contemplating her one option, she only heard the sound of a car door being slammed shut, not noticing the person in front of her until a warm jacket was thrust towards her hands.
"Here."
Looking up, her eyes widened at the sight of Clayton Webb in a three piece suit minus the jacket. The jacket he was now expectantly holding out to her. There must have been a look of bewilderment on her face that made his jaw tighten in exasperation. Snatching the jacket away from her, he deftly pulled it around her shoulders.
"It's cold, let's get in the car."
Walking to the curb in front of them, he opened the backseat door to a dark car and turned towards her waiting for her to follow. Mac briefly recalled his earlier abrupt departure and wondered why he was still here. Standing still in front of the door, his face was unreadable, intelligent green eyes focusing intently on her face waiting patiently for a decision.
She had two options now. Go back home to Harm, or follow Webb. Webb must have seen something in her face that gave away her thoughts, a small trademark smirk appearing as she finally made her way towards him.
Getting in, she was immediately enveloped in the warmth inside the heated car. Sliding to the side so Webb could follow, she let her tense body relax against the soft leather seat. She closed her eyes and heard the door shut a moment after a comforting weight settled in next to her.
The car shifted and Mac could feel the vehicle slowly accelerating as it got onto the road. Webb didn't offer any conversation and for now, she was thankful for the silence. A calm that had eluded her for months steadily crept inside her and she sighed with relief, enormously glad she hadn't gone back.
For years now she knew where the road with Harm led. Her love for him chained her on the road to self destruction. And as time went by, the knowledge choked her, filled her with a resignation of the inevitable. Someday he would unknowingly suffocate her and she would willingly let him.
She didn't know why, how or where Webb was taking her. The only thing that mattered was the euphoria that filled her lungs with the sweetest air as she took that first step away from Harm onto the unknown.
***