I

Ben Cartwright sat back in his favorite chair, the fire dying down. His stomach was full, his family was in good health, there were no financial problems and the stock was disease-free. The new mine was practically hemorrhaging silver and the mill was busy fulfilling a new, exclusive contract. And his son, Adam and his wife Helen were visiting from Sacramento City. So with a sense of well-being, Ben sighed and packed his favorite Briarwood pipe with Adam's gift of rich Turkish tobacco.

Ben cherished these moments when the work of the day was completed and his family was safely home asleep in their beds and he would soon be. At this time of the evening, a calmness would fall upon him and he was content with his life. He rested his head, closed his eyes, and gently pulled on his pipe feeling the surge of the elements from the tobacco fill his lungs and his veins.

Ben opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. It was Adam in his robe and slippers who was slowly coming down. Ben waited until Adam sat in the chair in which he had usually sat when he still lived at the Ponderosa. Adam leaned forward, his elbows on the arms of the chair and his hands clasped together.

"Something bothering you?"

"No need to mention the obvious, Pa, but yes. You mind if I throw some more wood on the fire?"

"No, go ahead." Ben watched while Adam went to the wood box and tossed enough resin-rich split logs on the flames to keep the fire burning for at least another two hours. When Adam sat back down, Ben opened the conversation. "I thought it was strange that you two would visit now. I would have expected you to take maybe a few days off for Christmas but that's not for another two weeks. You've been vague about the reason for this trip; I suppose it has something to do with an issue in Sacramento—it's not your partner, Jess Spence, is it—he's not embezzling or such, is he?"

Adam laughed lightly. "No. I wish it were something that simple to prove and solve." Adam paused, looking at the leaping flames and Ben waited. "I think Nell is having an affair." He could barely utter the words and they tore at his heart; his beloved wife, unfaithful in the arms of another man—an unknown man.

Ben was taken by surprise. "Oh…well now. I didn't expect that but what makes you think it? Do you have any…evidence?"

"I didn't catch her in bed with a man, if that's what you mean but there've been signs."

"So you brought her here to supposedly get her away from the man that you think she might be having an affair with." Ben had stopped smoking and held his pipe tightly, ignoring the heat of the pipe's bowl.

"Yes. I know it sounds ridiculous but I didn't know what else to do. My goddamn suspicions are eating me up inside. It's making me crazy."

"Adam, you didn't really know her when you married…"

"I know, Pa, I know. You've told me and I also know it and I admit it." Adam's voice reflected his pain. "I should have waited a longer time before marrying her—you've mentioned it before—many times before, but things were so wonderful, I was truly happy and I thought she was until about two months ago…"

"What do you have that makes you think she's, well, that she's been unfaithful?" Ben could see the hurt in his son's face and he felt it double-fold; he knew those suspicions himself, wondering if one's wife was unhappy and was searching for another man to fulfill her.

Adam gave a self-deprecating chuckle. "Well, I didn't hire a Pinkerton man to follow her around if that's what you mean, but, well, I started getting suspicious about a month and a half ago."

"I don't mean to sound…simple, but you asked Nell about…your suspicions, didn't you?"

"Oh, I asked her. I accused her. I told her that if she had a lover, if there was another man…I was angry so I…well, I told her I'd snap her 'elegant neck'. I shouldn't have but…" Adam's voice broke and he rubbed his face. "It's the worst pain. I think I'd rather be shot."

"I know. I know what it feels like," Ben said, placing his pipe down in a burl ashtray.

"What?" Adam asked. The confession from his father surprised him.

"Oh, I…well, there was a short time about a year after Joe was born that I suspected that Marie might be having an affair."

Ben shifted in his chair and Adam knew that his father was embarrassed to be revealing such a thing. Quietly, Adam asked, "Was she?"

Ben chuckled slightly. "She denied it and I believed her. Well, I wanted to believe her but I was never really sure. I didn't ask any more questions after that but if she was, I don't think it was because she didn't love me, it was for the excitement. I had taken her from a life in New Orleans with its parties and salons, all her friends, to here—out in the wilderness. She tried to be happy here but I know she became restless. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had had an affair since I was so busy on the property all the time but that doesn't mean that my suspicions and jealousy didn't rip me apart."

"Who did you think it was?" Adam asked, leaning forward, listening intently.

Ben smiled and tried to treat it lightly. "Every man she came into contact with." Adam smiled wanly and Ben knew. "That's the way it is with you isn't it?" Adam nodded. "And I suppose that you even suspect Jess."

"Yes. Like you said, every man she speaks to, I suspect. I can't find any peace, Pa. None."

"Do you think it's Jess?"

"No—I know he loves his wife but she's heavy with child and well, I don't know. Maybe it's the gardener or milkman—or no one. Maybe I'm just losing my mind over something purely innocent. "

"Well…what is this innocent thing?" Ben asked.

Adam chuckled derisively. "Flowers."

While Nell slept, Adam paced the familiar bedroom. He couldn't sleep even after talking to his father. Nell had been cold to him since their last argument in Sacramento and she was a bit afraid of him now but she didn't deny him her body. Adam satisfied his hunger for her earlier that night and she had even cried out from the pleasure he gave her. He had been rougher than he should have been but the jealousy he felt when he wondered if another man had also worked between her legs put a fire behind his eyes. He wanted Nell to be sore, to feel an ache between her legs and so he fiercely took her, turning her over and pulling her to knees—a position she found distasteful—vulgar and too much like animals she had always said. Adam ignored her slight protestations and pulled her up by her hips anyway. He ached to possess her but in a way so that she'd know who her husband was and if another man treated her with the gentleness that he himself usually did, the whispering of endearments, the slow working of his hands to prepare her for the act, well, Adam wanted to be different. Underneath it was fear, the fear that Nell might call out another man's name as he kissed her belly or along the length of her inside thigh or softly pressed his lips against her neck. What would he do then? He had to circumvent the possibility.

"Oh, Nell," he whispered as he looked at her sleeping face, so calm now that he had had vented his passion and anger. She looked far younger than her 20 years. And his father's words came back to him: She's so young, Adam, fifteen years younger than you at least and it may not seem like much, but…well, from what you've said, she's been sheltered. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Your life experiences will be so different and that's what people bring to their marriage.

Adam had been so sure and now he was filled with doubts about their future.