I am Isildur, finder of this one ring. No, wait! The One Ring. Heh, heh, that's pretty cool, huh? Oh yeah. And this really weird thing happened the other night. Me and my buds were roasting marshmallows, right? And of course I was wearing my new Ring, 'cuz jeez, it's pretty cool. And my marshmallow caught on fire! And, I mean, some people like little black lumps, but I don't, and if I did I'd just go eat charcoal--so anyway, my marshmallow went up in flames and I was like, 'Ohmigod!' and Elrond is like, 'Wut?' and I was like, 'My marshmallow's on fire!' and Elrond was like, 'Ohmigod!' and he was gonna dump water on my marshmallow so I was like, 'No!' so I started shaking it. And I'm sitting there thrashing around a stick with a ball of fire on the end, waving my arms around, trying to save my marshmallow. But then my marshmallow flew off the stick! Right off it, like whoa, gone! Right into the campfire, like that's it, it's a gonner. No more marshmallow for you, sucker.
So then I went to get another marshmallow from the bag and I reached my hand out to get another one. And that's when I saw it. The Ring was gone! Like not on my finger anymore! So I was all, 'Hey, wait!' and Elrond was like, 'Wut?' and I was like, 'Dude, it's gone!' and he was all, 'Wut's gone?' and I was like, 'My Ring!' and he was like 'Dude!' So then we searched on the ground for it and I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it! Like, it was nowhere!
So then I was kinda sad, 'cuz you know, it is a pretty cool Ring. And I was even thinking maybe I should have just destroyed it like Elrond said. 'Cuz, like, I don't want someone else to get it! So then I got another marshmallow and I sat down and was roasting it, thinking about the One Ring, and I think I see a gold glint in the fire. But, like, duh, it's fire, so of course there's gold. But I looked again and I was like, 'Man, that's my Ring!' and Elrond was like, 'Wut?' and I was all, 'I see it! There it is!' and I pointed, 'cuz Elrond's sorta slow (unlike me), and he got a marshmallow-roasting stick and got the ring out with it! And I grabbed it off the end of the stick and Elrond's all, 'Wait! It's hot!' and I was like, 'No it's not, stupid! You think a bit of metal is going to be hot after sitting in flame? You're so dumb.' 'Cuz like, duh, obviously it's not going to be hot--right? Well, anyway it wasn't and Elrond was like, 'Fine,' and went away muttering about something.
So then I looked at the Ring. And dude, this is like the really creepy part. 'Cuz I looked at it, and there was writing on it! And I was like, 'Ohmigod!' but Elrond was doing something else. So I said louder, 'Ohmigod!' and he still didn't pay attention. So I yelled, 'Ohmigod!' right in his face, right? And then finally he turns around and is like, 'Wut?' and I showed him the One Ring, and his eyes got all huge and he gasped and I'm thinkin', 'Ha!' But, yeah, anyway, he says, 'This is written in the language of Mordor!' And I was like, 'Huh?' And he was like, 'It says,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'
And I was like, 'Whoa.'
So that's my story, guys. A secret now that only fire can tell. Whoa, that's pretty cool too! A secret now that only fire can tell. Wow. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it. And by the way, this is 100% true, and Elrond really did say all those things. He did, really! I swear! Like, you know, in case you were wondering. So, like, bye!