Not Funny
Poison Ivy blearily opened her eyes and immediately shut them again as a bolt of pain shot through her head. There was no mistaking the feel of a hangover, and she had confirmation of it as she saw the empty liquor bottles scattered over the floor next to the bed. She let out a little groan, putting a hand to her forehead and willing the headache to go away.
She was answered by a groan from the shape next to her, which rolled over and draped its arm over her. A white arm. "Go make some coffee, Harley," a familiar voice muttered.
Ivy froze in horror as a terrible realization crept over her. Her heart pounded in fear as she slowly rolled over to face the Joker, lying next to her in bed. They were both undressed. His eyes were closed, but suddenly narrowed in annoyance. "I said coffee now, Harley, you lazy, useless…" he began, but his eyes opened at that moment.
For a horrible second, they both stared at each other, processing the situation. Then they both let out a high-pitched shriek, leaping to opposite ends of the bed and attempting to conceal themselves as much as possible from the other.
"Oh God, oh my God, oh God!" Ivy kept repeating, horrified, while Joker could only stare back at her in astonishment. "What the hell…how did this…Jesus Christ…oh God, what happened last night?! Tell me it was nothing! Tell me this isn't at all what it looks like! Tell me we didn't…"
But suddenly it all came flooding back. Harley had gone away for a week to attend the funeral of one of her aunts who had left a lot of money and to which she had some claim. She was staying to sort out all the legal complications, and while she was gone, she had asked Ivy to stop by the house and take care of the plants, since Joker never remembered to do anything on his own. Ivy had reluctantly agreed, for the plants' sakes, and for Harley's, although the last thing she wanted to do was see Joker – they shared a mutual loathing of each other. Ivy had gone over to water the plants, and Joker had been watching a film and enjoying a glass of whiskey. He had offered her one, and she accepted it, sitting down and watching some of the movie. It wasn't very good, and they ended up talking through it, making fun of it, and laughing. The clown was actually a funny guy sometimes. They had more glasses of whiskey. The movie ended and they had kept chatting and laughing. They finished several bottles together. And then…she was sure neither of them had really made the first move. It had just been spontaneous. One moment they were talking and drinking, then they fell silent, and suddenly the next moment they were wrapped in each other's arms, their hands all over each other and their mouths glued together. Somehow they had got to the bedroom. And then…
"Oh…God," gasped Ivy, as the realization struck her. "Harley is going to kill us."
"She's going to kill you!" he retorted, angrily. "This is all your fault! You're the one who goes around seducing men! This is just your style, you little tramp!"
"Excuse me?" demanded Ivy, furiously. "Are you saying I seduced you?!"
"Well, obviously that's what happened!" he snapped.
"Yeah? Well, I don't remember you voicing any objections last night!" she shouted. "Oh, Jesus Christ, how could we betray Harley like this?!" she cried, sitting down on the bed and burying her face in her hands.
"It's fine – she won't have to know," said Joker, quickly. "She won't find out. It'll be fine."
"You think we'll be able to keep something like this from her?" demanded Ivy.
"Well, yeah," he replied. "I mean, for all she knows, we hate each other, right? Shouldn't be too difficult to keep that up. She'll never suspect a thing. Why would she?"
"I do hate you, J!" shouted Ivy. "I hate you even more after this!"
"Why? Not a satisfied customer, Pammie?" he retorted. "I find that hard to believe. I remember some choice phrases you shouted out last night. And if I recall correctly, one of them was 'best man I ever had.' That's quite a compliment, coming from you."
"That doesn't sound like something I'd say," growled Ivy.
"Well, you did say it," he snapped. "Along with a few other compliments about my size and skill, thank you very much. It was quite the performance, if I do say so myself."
"Look, I really don't want to remember it," snapped Ivy, shutting her eyes tightly. "I want to forget the whole thing ever happened and just go back to hating each other as usual. Maybe that way we can pretend it didn't happen, and Harley won't have to find out. I wouldn't want to hurt her like this."
"Then you probably shouldn't have slept with me," he snapped.
"It's your fault too, you selfish clown!" she shouted. "It takes two to tango, you jerk! God, I hate your guts!"
"Well, the feeling is mutual, Pammie!" he retorted. "You worthless, dumb bitch!"
"Don't talk to me like that!" shrieked Ivy.
"I'll talk to you any way I want, you disgusting whore!" he shouted.
"You filthy bastard!"
"Dirty little slut!"
And suddenly they were in each other's arms again, mouths devouring each other as he shoved her down onto the bed…
And at that moment, Harley woke up, screaming and sitting bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring from her forehead.
"What?! What?! What is it?!" exclaimed Joker, starting from sleep at the scream. "Jesus Christ, Harley, you nearly gave me a goddamn heart atta…"
But she suddenly punched him across the face. "You lying, cheating bastard!" she shrieked. "How could you do this to me, you selfish jerk?!"
"Do…what?" he stammered, massaging his jaw, but Harley hit him again.
"You know what!" she shrieked. "I thought you loved me, Mr. J, but you don't care about me at all if you could do something like that! You horrible, disgusting creep!"
She began pummeling him, and he struggled to fend off her blows. "Harley…Harley baby…I don't understand! Is this meant to be turning me on? Because it's working, pumpkin pie…"
She shrieked again and stopped hitting him, curling up against the headboard and clasping her knees to her chest. "You sick freak!" she sobbed. "How could you hurt me like this?! Don't you care about me at all?!"
And she burst into tears. Joker stared at her in amazement. "Harley, baby, I honestly don't have any idea what you're talking about," he said. "What is it? What have I done?"
"You know, you monster!" she sobbed. "Don't even try to deny it!"
He thought for a moment. "What, that thing with the chattering teeth the other night? I thought you'd really enjoy that, pooh. Anyway, it's kinda a delayed response, don't you think?"
"Not the teeth!" she shouted. "You know what I'm talking about! I ain't gonna say it! But you know, and you should be ashamed of yourself! You both should!"
She continued to cry. "Harley, baby, I think you've had a nightmare," said Joker, quietly. "A very convicing nightmare that seems very real to you. But it was just a dream, sweets. Now come on, baby, tell Daddy J all about it."
"Don't touch me!" she snapped as he tried to embrace her. "I know where you've been, and I don't want your hands anywhere near me, you filthy liar!"
"For God's sake, Harley, this is ridiculous!" he snapped. "Just tell me what the hell I'm supposed to have done!"
"You know!" she shrieked. "That thing that happened that week I went away to my aunt's funeral!"
"What aunt's funeral?" he demanded. "You've never been to see any family as long as I've known you, Harley, dead or alive! I just assumed they all cut ties with you when you turned into a homicidal maniac! Which is good, I'd dump you if I had to deal with in-laws. I'm not the kinda guy you wanna bring home to show the family – might be awkward for Daddy to meet Daddy," he chuckled.
Harley stared at him. "Oh…oh yeah, you're right. But you mean I didn't…you didn't…it didn't happen, Mr. J?"
"No," he retorted. "I've told you, it was just a dream, baby. Must have been a real killer, though."
"But it hurt so much," she murmured. "It still hurts so much, and I'm awake now. I…oh, Mr. J!" she cried, leaping into his arms and sobbing into his chest. "Oh, thank God, puddin'! Oh God, I thought I'd have to hate you forever, and I'm not sure I could do that, puddin'! I couldn't forgive you for that, but I couldn't live without loving you, baby! Oh God, it was awful!"
"What exactly did I do, pumpkin pie?" he asked gently. "Y'know, just so I can be sure not to do it again. Not that I ever did it at all, because it was a just dream, sweets," he added hastily, as Harley glared up at him.
Harley shut her eyes tightly. Tears flowed from between her lids. "You…cheated on me!" she gasped.
"Aw, now pumpkin, you know I would never do anything like that," he said, hugging her tightly. "I'm a one woman loon, you know that, kiddo. Daddy doesn't want anyone but his precious little girl, his sweet little silly baby. And you know, most of the time I don't even want you. I'm pretty apathetic towards people in general – they're the punchlines to jokes, and that's all. I wouldn't have the energy or the inclination for anyone else but you, cupcake."
"Yeah…I know, Mr. J," she whispered. "I'm special to you like that. It don't make much sense now that I think about it. But it still hurts."
"Aw, my baby's never minded a little pain before!" he said, cuddling her.
"Physical pain, yeah, that's different," she murmured. "Emotional pain is just terrible, Mr. J."
"Wouldn't know, sweets, I don't have that many emotions," he replied, kissing the top of her head.
"You remember that time I tried to kill Batman, and you pushed me outta a window?" she asked. "I forgave you for that because you just damaged my body. The Bat did something much worse. He tried to damage my mind. He tried to convince me you didn't love me, and that you'd been manipulating me from the start. That you were just using me, baby. I've never forgiven him for that pain."
"Were you thinking about that today?" he asked, quietly.
"Maybe…I guess…I don't remember," she replied, shaking her head. "Even when I was a shrink, I never thought dreams meant anything. I guess there's some case to be made for them identifying repressed fears and insecurities, but mostly they're just random and nuts. Like this one. Could never happen, not really, puddin'. I know that. Rationally, I know that, but irrationally…it hurts so much, Mr. J."
He tilted her chin up and kissed her tenderly. "You're a stupid, silly baby, Harley Quinn," he whispered. "And you're really special to me, kid."
"Really, Mr. J?" she murmured, gazing up at him hopefully.
"Really," he replied. "And all that stuff Bats said, I've told you a hundred times, it don't matter. Whatever my intentions were then, or will be later, you're here, like this, with me now. And that's what counts. Don't spoil the fun by thinking about the past or the future. Just enjoy the ride."
She nodded. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered, kissing him gently.
"Now go back to sleep, pooh bear," he murmured. "Don't you have plans for tomorrow? Weren't you and the Plant Lady going to go shopping and spending my hard earned cash?"
At the mention of Ivy, Harley flinched, the pain hitting her again like a blow to her heart. "Baby? What is it?" he asked, noticing.
"It's…nothing, Mr. J," she murmured. "It was just a dream, after all."
He stared at her. "Pumpkin…in your dream, who did I cheat on you with?"
"I don't wanna talk about it, Mr. J," she retorted, lying back down and rolling over.
"Was it Batman?" he asked, quietly.
"What? No, of course not, Mr. J!" she snapped.
He shrugged. "You said it was pretty unbelievable. Who then? The Boy Blunder?"
"No!" retorted Harley. "It was a woman!"
"Batgirl? Kitty? Oh, what's her name, Scarface's gal? She's pretty hot. Could stick her hand in my pants anytime."
"Sugar? What do you mean she's pretty hot?!" demanded Harley, sitting up angrily.
He shrugged again. "Got a thing for blondes, baby, you know that," he said, grinning.
She stood up and grabbed her bathrobe. "This ain't a good time to joke with me, Mr. J!" she snapped, pulling it on violently. "I'm going to the couch! Goodnight!"
He seized her arm. "You ain't going anywhere, you dumb bitch!" he growled.
"You let go of me, you selfish jerk!" she shouted, ripping her arm away from him. He suddenly struck her across the face, knocking her backwards, but she recovered quickly and punched him hard. Then she leapt into his arms, wrapping her legs around him tightly as he kissed her passionately and pushed her down onto the bed.
"Oh baby…I've got some bruises from that, puddin'," murmured Harley, snuggling into his arms afterward.
"Yeah, me too," he whispered, kissing her forehead. "Nice work, kiddo."
"I love you so much, Mr. J," she murmured, kissing him. "Goodnight."
"Harley, who was it you dreamed I cheated on you with?" he asked quietly.
"Oh…it was Red, Mr. J," she murmured, cuddling into his embrace.
He laughed suddenly, hysterically. "What's so funny?" demanded Harley.
"Well…it's just…it's far more likely to be Batman, isn't it?" he chuckled. "At least there's a mutual interest!"
"It's not such a silly idea," she retorted. "You two do hate each other a lot. It's not a huge stretch to see that as misplaced attraction."
"I get how you might think that, Harley," he replied, nodding. "Considering I treat both the people I love and the people I hate with the same amount of apathy and contempt. But with Pammie, it is genuine hatred, and I'm sure she feels the same. Anyway, isn't she into plants? I ain't a plant, but I can see how the green hair might have confused her."
"I don't think in that way, Mr. J," she replied.
"Oh, c'mon, of course she is!" he retorted. "Don't you know, being her best friend and all? I thought women talked about that kinda stuff in private."
"Well, Red made a rule that neither of us talk about our sex lives after I gave her a bit too much information about ours," replied Harley. "Said she didn't sleep for a week."
"Yeah? What did you tell her?" asked Joker, sharply.
"Nothing too detailed, puddin'," she replied. "Only I mentioned the chattering teeth, and the whoopie cushion, and the electrodes, and that time I nearly fainted because I'd lost so much blood…"
"Jesus Christ, Harley, no wonder she hates me," he muttered. "I hope you told her it was all consensual."
"Oh…yeah…might have forgot to mention that, Mr. J," she said, slowly.
"Great. Fine. Whatever," he snapped, shutting his eyes. They lay quietly for some time, and Harley was just about to drop off, when he suddenly laughed maniacally again.
"Didn't sleep for a week, eh?" he laughed. "Well, well done, pooh bear. It's kinda funny to think I was indirectly responsible for her suffering!" He chuckled, then kissed Harley. "Goodnight, sweets. And don't have anymore nightmares. I don't wanna be woken up again."
"I won't, Mr. J," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "It was just a stupid dream, after all. I'm over it now."