Author's note: Set at the end of "Know Thine Enemy".
Neither of them had the heart to watch the tapes. The case has exhausted DI Tommy Lynley and Sergeant Barbara Havers and they needed some space to think, to get everything back into perspective. They could tackle this tomorrow; now it was time to go home. They walked outside the station to their cars. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you saved a life Barbara." Lynley said earnestly. He paused, "Anyway they're both going down now – for good."
"Alright Sir, just don't say 'I told you so." She smiled at him then turned and walked away. He looked after her. She is an amazing woman. He unlocked the Jensen and glanced up hoping she might have looked back but she had not and now was getting into her car. He watched her drive off uncertain what to do. He wanted to go after her but knew she needed time. He did not want her to think that anything he said was out of pity. He drove home but was restless and could not settle. He went out for some Indian takeaway and found himself buying enough for two. I doubt she will have eaten properly.
Tommy drove to Barbara's flat. He wanted to see her. He needed to know she was not being too hard on herself. He knocked on the door and when she answered he held up the plastic bags containing the food. "I thought you might like some dinner."
"Thanks Sir, that is very thoughtful. I hadn't really thought about eating." She smiled at him yet he felt a 'but' was about to follow.
"I thought as much. Not still feeling sorry for yourself are you?" he said as he took the lids of the boxes while she searched for some clean plates and spoons.
"No; well yeah kind of I guess. She played me and I couldn't see and I wouldn't listen to you. I thought I knew better but I was wrong."
"We all get it wrong at times Barbara. Look how often you were right and I was a stubborn fool refusing to listen." They ate the biryani and curry largely in silence. Tommy wanted to say something but could not find the right words.
"Thanks for the meal Sir, it was good."
"My pleasure." She seemed genuine but he was uncertain whether she was signalling him to leave or just giving him the option. He made no attempt to leave and she moved over to sit on the sofa.
"Barbara, have you ever thought about working outside of the Met?"
"So you want me to resign?" Her voice was low and he could tell she was hurt.
"No! No not at all'" he answered quickly, "It's just that I have been thinking a lot lately about leaving the Met."
"Oh, I hadn't realized." She sounded even flatter than before and Tommy regretted bringing it up. Things were not going as he had planned. He scrutinized her face. She looked shocked and sad but tried hard to mask it so tried to provide more context. "Mother is not coping well with the estate and I think it might be time to move back to Howenstowe. They have a position for a DCI in the Cornwall Police so I could take that. I am due for promotion."
"Well overdue. For someone on the fast track once upon a time you have stagnated being partnered with me. I hope it goes well for you though Sir, you deserve to be happy," Barbara said standing. She faced away from him as she continued quietly, "When do you leave?"
"I haven't agreed anything yet. I am just thinking about it. Maybe I don't even need to be a policeman any more. I am tired Barbara so I'm not sure. I wanted to know what you thought."
"I,..I...well It's a shock. You're the best detective I've met but you have to do what is right for you. I will miss you though. We were good together." Her voice trialled off and Tommy sensed she was fighting hard not to lose control.
"We still are Barbara. That's why I asked how you felt about leaving London. I want you to come with me. They have a place for a new DI as well. I'm so sorry Barbara. You didn't think I would leave without you did you?"
Barbara turned and stared at him. He nodded. "Either way."
"What do mean, either way?"
Tommy stood and crossed to where Barbara was standing. She was looking at the floor and he gently lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. "I love you Barbara and I want you to come to Cornwall with me."
She pulled out of his grip. Her expression was wild, angry. Tommy was confused. "You don't love me! You don't even understand what love is. You never have really. You and I don't do love well and you certainly can't expect to come in here after being partners for so long and tell me that. We have something, a bond, and yes in a way it is a form of love, a very strong love. But don't confuse that with being 'in love' Tommy. I've seen you in love, with Deborah and Helen. I've seen you in lust with other women too. We don't have any of that. And I am hardly the right breeding for your lot; we would be the laughing stock of all your friends. It can never happen and if you were thinking right you'd see it too."
Lynley was stunned. He had suspected Barbara loved him and that somehow they would just melt into each other's arms. This is not going to plan! "You are right in some ways Barbara. We are not good with love because we have been looking for it in the wrong places. Our past has screwed us up; you with your parents and your punishment of them and your guilt. Me with my mother, a relationship built on mistrust and abandonment, which I then inflicted on poor Peter and look how that ended."
Barbara was silent so Tommy continued, "I told you once, sitting there on the sofa that I didn't know if I ever really loved Helen. You are right. I confused friendship and loneliness and need with being in love. I thought I needed the right type of wife but you can't make love happen Barbara. You either have it or you don't. You need to fight for it, to fight for each other to the exclusion of the world and the consequences. I never fought for Deborah or Helen and they never fought for me. I just wallowed in my own self-pity. I think I enjoyed the pain in a way, as if it were a poetic badge of honour; something to prove I had once loved. It was the same for you wearing your pain like a shield to protect you from ever letting anyone in. But you let me in, at times anyway. It took me far too long to recognize it but love is not supposed to be torture. It is supposed to be easy and comfortable. You have to want to fight for the person and know they will always fight for you. That's us Barbara, don't you see it? I don't want friends and acceptance; I don't care what anyone thinks but you. You are enough."
She was still staring at him and Tommy could not tell if she understood him. He reached over and took her shoulders in his hands then lent down and kissed her. She did not respond at all. She stood there not moving away, but not returning his kiss. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead on hers and said gently, "Barbara, if you tell me you don't understand. If you tell me that what we have is not that ease with each other and that we don't fight for each other; if you tell me you don't love me then I will leave but if you feel it too then we should…"
"No we shouldn't!" She shouted cutting him off and pushing him away. "If we stop it here then we can go back to the way it was; well almost. But if I open that box, if I let myself be in love with you we will tear ourselves apart. You said it yourself; we are not good at love."
"Do you have to let yourself or are you already in love with me? We could be good at this, if we let ourselves. That same night when you asked me if you had something to make it worthwhile getting up each day and I said we both did. I meant it then and I mean it now. We knew it was special, we just couldn't name it." He knew this was it. How she reacted now would determine their happiness. He kissed her again; this time with great tenderness that spoke of so many unfinished moments, so many chances that they had failed to take. He felt her sigh. She was not kissing him yet but she had placed her hands on his waist. He could tell she was deciding. She could push him away or draw him closer. He kissed her harder, more urgently and he felt her resistance break. She slipped her arms around him and kissed him fiercely. In that moment Tommy experienced sensations he had never felt before. It was as if they had become one. He knew this was love.
Tommy's elation turned to surprise as he felt her start to undress him. He smiled and paused to look at her quizzically. Barbara shrugged and whispered, "In for a penny... We can worry about Cornwall and the future tomorrow." She stood and he followed her to the bedroom. He had no intention of ever sleeping alone again.