More Than I Could Give

By: Midnight Maiden

Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns all characters.

Important!!! This entire story has been rewritten and I think it would be worthwhile to read the whole thing over, even if you're itching to skip to chapter 10!

Kel couldn't help it. She was hopelessly in love with Neal. She loved the way his hair brushed back from a perfect widow's peak and the way his green eyes always has that mischievous shimmer. She had to tell him. She wouldn't be able to stay silent forever, and she couldn't shake the feeling that he might love her too. Options for how to tell him rolled in her mind. They were pretty limited. Because she was a squire, there was no need for a study group, so that excuse was out. Instead she just put on her best Yamani-Lump face and trudged over to Neal's rooms. She knocked timidly on the door and Neal opened it smiling brightly. "Hey Kel, what brings you?"

The question nearly toppled her over. What had brought her? How about feelings so strong and so pent-up she feared she might burst if she had to carry them for a moment more. Trying to calm herself she sat on the bed, her hands balled into fists to keep them from shaking. She didn't trust her voice to speak right away.

Neal looked at her curiously. He'd certainly known Kel long enough to know that she was not herself. Worried, he asked, "Kel, what's wrong? You have that face on."

Before she could stop them, give them a moment's more consideration, the words spilled from her mouth. "I came to tell you that...that I love you. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore." A terrified relief erupted inside her as her secret became visible.

Neal jut stared at her, open mouthed. She instantly regretted her words. His lips were so taunting. Knowing that he would reject her, she took the only chance she would get and kissed him softly before leaving his room. She couldn't seem to find a single place which would give her the comfort she needed. Every place in the palace seemed to close in around her or leave her in a vast, open, nothingness. Only her six years of Yamani training kept her from crying. Her heart wrenched, like it had been shredded and pounded. The Yamani were right. Emotion was weakness, and she was the epitome.

With a total exhaustion of options, she retreated to the stables. The only one she could think of who might care about her awkward mistake, even if he couldn't relate, was Peachblossom. She sat right down in the shavings. The gelding felt her sorrow and curled up around her, resting his head on her feet. She leaned up against him and fell asleep, managing to keep the tears at bay.

When she woke the next morning, Peachblossom still hadn't moved, though he was awake. Her sparrows had accompanied her at one point, but she didn't know when. The night had been like a terrible blur, which she was sure she'd be better off pretending not to remember. She stroked her faithful companion's head, receiving an appreciative nicker in return.

"It's better here with all of you," she said. "I don't have to ever worry about one of you rejecting me. None of you would ever turn your back on me." She heard footsteps coming to the stall, but didn't even move. She really didn't care if anyone saw her. She was aloud an emotional breakdown, just like they were.

A red-haired head poked over the half-door of the stall. "Oh Kel, thank the Goddess you're alright. I was so worried."

"What? Am I not allowed to spend a night with my horse?" She asked, trying to be innocent. She was a terrible liar and the words were just making her seem even guiltier.

It didn't take Cleon long to call her out on it either. "Oh come on Kel. What's wrong?"

Resigned to telling her pathetic story, she patted the dirt next to her. Cleon shook his head and eyed the gelding wrapped around her. She sighed. "Can you please let Cleon sit by me Peachblossom?"

The gelding nodded reluctantly and Cleon sat carefully next to her. "I just had a really rough night, that's all. I just needed to get away." The collar of her shirt was starting to itch. She pulled it away from her neck, feeling like she could breathe a little better.

"Neal told us you'd run away. He didn't tell us why." Pulling her hand away from her throat and placing it in the shavings between them he continued, "Do you want to fill me in?"

She put her head down. No, she didn't want to tell. She didn't want to think about it ever again. She wanted all of it to just go away. "It's a bit humiliating really, and I'm not in the mood to be laughed at so…"

"I don't think it's funny if you're hurting enough to sleep in a stall."

She looked up, a little surprised by his seriousness. "Thank you." He nodded and she spilled the whole story. It all seemed a little ridiculous in the retelling. She couldn't fathom what could have possible motivated her to make such a spectacle of herself. "He rejected me, Cleon. And he just let me walk away."

Cleon shook his head. "A while after you left he went looking for you. When he couldn't find you he got us to start helping him. We searched almost all night before going to bed, hoping you were safe."

That really shouldn't have been a surprise but it was. Actually, it was comforting to know her friends had looked for her. There was still one nagging thing that she didn't know how to bring up, but desperately wanted to. "It...It isn't ever going to be the same, is it?"

He shrugged. "For sure not if you stay in here all day." Giving her a hand he hoisted her to her feet. "I say you go talk to him. Give him a chance to redeem himself."

That made sense at least. "Thanks Cleon. I really needed someone to talk to."

He started to leave but paused, looking back at her. "I would never not be there for you."

That last comment puzzled her a little, but she pushed it away. She had to deal with Neal, not Cleon and his dumb fake affections. As she walked to Neal's rooms her heart pounded and her palms sweat. She'd never been so worried in her life, not even the night before. What if she'd ruined everything?