A/N: Sort of based off a TV show that my mother was watching.

Mazuma and Lirio are watching television when Ron walks into the room, wearing a black ski jacket and a ridiculously large cowboy hat. He falls into the couch with a loud sigh. They sit there perfectly silently until Mazuma speaks up.

"So...do I want to know why you're dressed like...you are?"

"Fuck you,"

"You're right. I probably don't want to know."

"You shouldn't have said that," murmurs Lirio, turning the volume of the TV up.

Ron sighs. "Hey, it's not my fault!"

Mazuma raises an eyebrow. "I don't even know what you're talking about. And just because it's you, I don't think I want to,"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're...different. You like to talk about things that we don't ever talk about unless we're drunk or high."

"Oh, thank you for being so descriptive!"

"Ron, you're a snake."

"Mazuma, you're an alien."

"Hey, I didn't scare the shit out of my girlfriend's best friend by suddenly turning into a snake mid-conversation!"

"No, you try to eat your girlfriend's best friend alive instead!"

"I told you, that was because of my medication!"

"Medication?"

"God, it was just for an indigestion issue!"

"How does indigestion medication prompt you to try and gnaw someone's arm off?"

"I ate something that was a little poisonous, and apparently, the toxins caused me to hallucinate!"

"What did you eat? Something from Nafhe's farm for diseased animals?"

"I was hungry and asleep and it crawled into my mouth!"

"I rest my case."

"You're a piece of shit, you know that?"

"And you're a cannibalistic pyromaniac."

"You're going to go into snake mode and get killed by a panicked farmer someday."

"You're going to hell."

"And I'm going to get laid." says Lirio suddenly, getting up from the sofa.

"What?" ask Ron and Mazuma simultaneously and Lirio shrugs. "I just got a text from Mii. And let's be honest, would you stay here?"

"You followed her around shopping for six hours yesterday!" says Mazuma, "and now you're just going to run over to her, even though her house is on the other side of the city?"

"Pretty much."

"You poor, whipped sap!"

"Look who's talking." retorts Lirio as he leaves and Mazuma makes a strangled squeaking noise.

"He has a point, you know." says Ron once Lirio is gone.

"Shut up."

More silence.

Ron grumbles: "This is boring."

"Why don't you go and eat a mouse?"

"Why don't you go and burn your ex's house down?"

"THAT WAS ONE TIME!"

"One time too many. Shizu was about to skin you alive, you know that? With that massive sword of hers, chop chop, and you'd be gone by morning."

"I hate you."

"After all these years, you've only just realized that now?"

"Shut up. Why are you dressed like that, anyways?"

Ron suddenly looks very uncomfortable. "I don't think you want to know."

"Judging by the look on your face, I actually do."

"Fuck you."

"Oh, I'm hurt! You know you don't mean that!"

"You're right. 'Fuck you' is too good for you. Okay, how about this: I hope Dead Master hunts you down and brutally tortures you for years on end, then devours your soul. Then, I hope that just when you think it's finally over, you're dragged to the Threshold and tortured there some more, and then the timeline resets and it all starts again. And it goes on. And on. For all eternity."

"Thanks, but I'm not Homura. Or a Puella Magi."

"What?"

"Never mind."

They sit in silence for a while longer before Mazuma sighs and switches the TV off. "Okay, seriously. Tell me why you look like a puppy that's just been kicked and then lift in the wilderness to die."

"What an interesting analogy."

"Talk."

Ron sighs this time. "Fine. Okay, you know my girlfriend?"

"I think everyone knows your girlfriend. Black Rock Shooter, aka Stella, the living weapon of destruction who beats the shit out of everything for no reason, and Ron, the snake who helps her do it."

"Well, her birthday's in two days, and I'm broke. I couldn't figure out what do do, so I went to Hanako."

"Hanako? As in Hanako Nakamura?"

"Yes, Mazuma."

"You went to the bitch who turns people into inanimate objects for relationship advice?"

"She's actually quite nice. Also a little genocidal, but nice. We stay in touch. We have an arrangement, actually. I bring her food and new headphones, and she doesn't turn me into a ruler. Anyways, her advice was to take back something that once was mine and give it to her as a present."

"She wanted you to give your dignity to Stella as a birthday present?"

"..."

"Oh, no, sorry, there's no way you'll ever get that back."

"You're a moron."

"I'm all you got, pal."

"Anyways, I thought she had finally gone nuts, so I went to Jessie."

"Who the fuck is Jessie?"

"My ex-girlfriend, Mazuma."

"...The bitch with the hair that looks like a rat's nest who pushed Stella down a flight of stairs?"

"Yes, Mazuma."

"Ohhhh. Okay. Carry on."

"Well, she was absolutely unhelpful, and just as shrewd as ever. I needed to use the bathroom, so I went in. I took a wrong turn and ended up at her bedroom. And guess what was sitting on her bed?"

"...Photos of you taken without your consent?"

"...No. Her jewellery box. I decided to go through it for no particular reason, and sitting in the front drawer was the pair of diamond earrings that I had gotten for her a while back."

"You got her diamond earrings?"

"She was a manipulative shrew with tits."

"Ah yes. Sometimes I wonder how you and Stella got together when you spent sixty percent of your time together making fun of her chest."

"Shut up."

"Yes, I apologise. Please, do go on."

"Anyways, I thought about what Hanako had said and I just-"

"Oh, god, you didn't."

Ron reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulls out a pair of glittering earrings. "It's not like she'll miss them or anything."

Mazuma stared.

"Stop that."

Mazuma stared.

"I'm serious, it's creepy."

"You stole a pair of ten thousand-dollar diamond earrings from your ex?"

"Let me remind you that you have no right to judge me."

"You know, in a normal circumstance I would congratulate you, but this is Jessie we're talking about."

"I know-"

"She's going to castrate you!"

"She'll never find out!"

"Yes she will! And pardon me, I was wrong. She's going to kill Stella, rip her into shreds, kidnap you, force you to eat the remains of her girlfriend, burn your house down, and then castrate you!"

"You burnt your first girlfriend's house down and ran over your second girlfriend's dog and they didn't do anything to you!"

"Yeah, well, I'm one of the best swordsmen around here, not to mention fireproof! And for the record, it was a dog that she was walking for a job. You- you're just a shape-shifting snake with a superiority complex! And you'll be a dead shape-shifting snake with a superiority complexif you don't return those!"

"What, I should put them back?"

"Hell yeah you should put them back!"

"But then what will I do about -Rock's-Stella's-whatever- birthday?"

"Kill Black Matagi and tie up her decapitated corpse with a pretty red ribbon or something!"

"What?"

"Buy her some macaroons! Steal White Rock Shooter's scythe! Kill Dragon Slayer and give Stella her crown! Steal Farside Bunny's sickles! Or those ridiculous pink chakrams that Loveness carries around that spray love magic everywh-"

"Okay, I get it. I return the earrings-"

"Bake her a cake! Steal that giant spider-thingy named Mary from Chariot and give it to her as a car! Buy her a new weapon partner! Get some souls for her to eat! Invite that Ret kid over! Throw her a party! Pay the Ret kid to make her one of those necklaces of his!"

"Ret's in Disneyland with his little sister. Rock-I mean Stella doesn't eat souls. And I'm her partner. Even if she did want to get rid of me, she'd end up with Nico. And no one wants Nico."

"Nico's the little bunny shit, right? The one with no human form?"

"Maybe he does have one. Maybe it's ugly. We may never know."

"Okay, but you get my point, right?"

Ron sighed. "Yeah. I'll go over to Jessie's in the morning and return the earrings while she isn't looking."

"Attaboy."

Ron walked over to the fridge and opened it. "Do you have any chocolate milk?"

"You drink chocolate milk?"

"You eat half-robot, partially-decomposed, diseased rabbits, so I don't see why not."

"You're never gonna let that go, are you?"

"Neither is the poor little girl whose dog you ran over."

The following argument went on well past midnight, and only stopped when when their next-door neighbour, a petite woman named Geshumaru who worked as a security guard along with several robots that she had made herself, had yelled: "FOR GOD'S SAKES, I DON'T CARE IF ONE OF YOU MORONS ATE A SNAKE, I WANT TO SLEEP!"

Ron had sprinted up to the guest bedroom and Mazuma had instantly collapsed onto the couch, pretending to fall sleep.

The next day, at around noon, Ron returned, still wearing the ridiculously puffy ski jacket, but not the cowboy hat.

Mazuma got up from the couch. "Ugh. I wish I could sleep forever. Anyways, how'd it go?"

"Not so well."

"Why? You returned the earrings, right?"

Ron winced. "Well... It turns out that it's a lot easier the second time."

Mazuma groaned in exasperation as Ron reached into the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a gold necklace with an opal pendant. "...You bought her that as well when you were together?"

"Nope."