"What you need to understand is, Katniss- I didn't know. If I had known things would happen like they did, to Annie and to Peeta…"
He looks at me as he trails off, but I say nothing, and I don't flinch like I normally would at the sound of Peeta's name. Something about Haymitch's face, his unshaven, exhausted face… it's almost vulnerable. I resolve not to say a word until his story is completed. I won't show emotion. I will act just as I did during the opening ceremonies of the Quell- blank, impassive. Above anything that could hurt me and only focused on what it is I must do.
Haymitch must note that I have not reacted to his opening words, because he clears his throat, rubs a greasy hand across his mouth, and continues.
"Bottom line is, until that night it was announced to Panem, the idea had never crossed my mind that you and Peeta would be made to reenter the arena. Oh, I'd considered a multitude of other ways in which the Capitol would get what they wanted- our deaths of course- but never did I realize the extent to which Snow would go to get rid of you." He gives me a grin devoid of any detectable happiness or good humor. "Who knew such a little girl could cause him such a big problem."
But he won't get a reply; I'm staring at my hands, tracing the invisible scars of my old life. My stomach trembles and I find myself praying that I don't throw up on Finnick, who is still beside me.
"After Peeta came to me begging for me to protect you and after you came to me with your spiel about how we owed it to Peeta to keep him alive- well. I knew this time I didn't get to choose just one of you to save, it was all or nothing. Worse, I knew the chances of me succeeding were next to none, infinitesimal. It was going to take more than my efforts to save you. Of course, I didn't tell you this. I let Peeta and you train, even though I knew no amount of acting like a Career would spare you from the Capitol's wrath- they could destroy you at any time they wanted. Any- and I mean any- second in the games could be it. I'm sure you knew this Katniss, you were never as optimistic as Peeta… is. But in order to have any hope, I needed help from a higher power, if you will. But at that point, we were isolated in District 12 as you know, and any possibility of making contact with help was hopeless. We didn't have a snowball's chance in hell."
Why is Haymitch repeating what I already know? I begin to wonder why I asked for this explanation, begin itching to get out of here and start doing. Doing something. But I'm going to let him finish. I trace the swirling patterns on my palm.
"That's where your dear Cinna comes in." Cinna. I'm not surprised to hear his name in this story. I'd always suspected Cinna to be involved in something of this nature. The last time I saw my stylist, he was being beaten to the unconsciousness by Peacekeepers in the launch room before the Quell…
"Cinna was a part of a group rebels composed of upper-class Capitol citizens- very secret, very small. But at least something. Cinna informed me that a candidate for the new Head Gamemaker was the leader of the group." Plutarch. "Plutarch Heavansbee. I knew I had a very valuable piece of information, because if I could meet with him, it'd be my only shot.
"As you and Peeta trained, Cinna relayed messages between Plutarch and me. He understood how vital your living was to the rebellion, and he agreed to do everything in his power to assist me. By the time we finally met- in the Capitol just before the Quell- we had somewhat of a plan worked out. Until then, I had no inkling that this-"he motioned around him, referring to District 13- "even existed. When he told me, I thought he was insane. I even considered calling the whole thing off, and just hoping President Snow would put off killing you long enough for me to come up with a different plan. But then he showed me the footage.
"He'd traveled here on Capitol business- they actually sent people frequently to keep tabs on it- two years prior. The footage he took showed massive factories, an entire underground living system, all the things you've seen. The Capitol had indeed known of District 13's existence, and for quite some time. The only thing that kept them from destroying it was the Districts ability to blow the Capitol off the map. And so they remained at a stalemate for some fifty five years, and Plutarch explained to me that until very recently, they hadn't dared make any attempts at war or even building an army against the Capitol. But when they learned of the growing unease in the other 12 Districts- sparked by you, Katniss- they begin to prepare. And by the time Plutarch was named the new Head Gamemaker, between the Capitol rebels, rebels in the districts, and the entire population of District 13 radicals- a small army was forming in our favor. I knew I couldn't let you run away Katniss, like you brought up to me at one time. Our only chance was to break you out of the Quell somehow, and bring you here. We didn't have anything beyond that planned, but we know that with all the tension set off by the Quell, it was the perfect time. Panem was a ticking time bomb.
"The next step was the most impossible one: convince the victors you'd be playing with not to kill you and Peeta, and to protect you. It sounded so outrageous, and believe me; I had a hell of a time doing it. We chose the tributes that we thought would be most receptive to the idea, Betee and Wiress first. Johanna and Finnick weren't even informed until they both approached me requesting you as an ally. It took some time to work out the details, to make the offer appealing to both sides, but finally, we had somewhat of a plan formed."
Hearing their names, Wiress, who is dead, Betee, who is still in an unresponsive coma, Johanna, who is probably dead by the Capitols hands, and Finnick, who lost his love to the Capitol as well- I realize I am responsible for more deaths and tragedies than I was aware of. I swallow back the bile that burns my throat.
"We thought it would be best to keep our plans from you- it was a few days until the games, and you didn't need anything more to worry about. You were already bent on protecting Peeta, and that's all you needed to do.
"Finally, the time came. And things went well. Finnick gained your alliance, though for a minute there, I was afraid you would kill him when he turned his back." I almost did, I think. But then he had to go and save Peeta's life. "But thank God you didn't, sweetheart."
Although I'm glad I didn't, this only reminds me that until my very last breath, nothing I can do will compensate for what Finnick did for me in the arena-, which is now even more than what I previously knew about. I curse him internally.
"Johanna brought you Betee and Wiress, just as we'd planned, and the bread we sent gave them reminder of the days left until we'd carry out with our plan. You figured out the arena, like I knew you would, and I readied the group of rebels as Plutarch furtively acquired the hovercrafts we needed. All that was left was waiting, and we watched as you managed to stay alive. And kept Peeta alive.
I can tell he's going to try to edit parts of his story out. And I'm grateful.
"Katniss, despite how things turned out that day, you need to get through your head that what happened to that boy…" He's looking directly at me, but I continue to stare at my hand. I don't want him to tell me what was or wasn't my fault. I want him to tell me how to fix it. The things that I did… the things that no matter who tells me otherwise, I know are my fault.
Nothing could make me look up at Haymitch right now.
"Katniss, Peeta is not dead."
Except maybe that.
It wasn't Haymitch's voice, it was Finnick's. He's risen off the cot and is standing right in front of me. I can see his bare feet, but I don't look up. Instead, Finnick kneels, until his face is level with mine. His face is covered in blonde stubble, dark circles ring his eyes.
"Do you think," Finnick says firmly, "I would still be here if I thought Annie was dead?" By here, I can tell he doesn't mean here, in this room, or here in District 13. He means alive. "If she were dead, I would know it. I'd be able to feel it, no matter how far apart we are. I wouldn't be able to go on anymore. But you and I, Katniss. We can go on, because that piece of them inside of us is not gone. Peeta is not dead, and you know it."
I trust Finnick. I really do. But I can't even consider, can't let myself believe Peeta is alive. Not until I have him with me, not until I can hold him close and smell his sweet smell and look into his deep blue eyes and know without a doubt that he is alive.
"Katniss," Haymitch begins, but this time I won't let him finish. I'm up off the cot, heading towards the door.
"Stop," I say, holding Haymitch's gaze. "If there is a chance, even a small one, that Peeta is alive; I'm going to find him. I'm not wasting anymore time, Haymitch. I'm going to find him, and then we're going to punish the Capitol."
I leave the room, sure on my feet, knowing exactly where it is I'm going.