I used to be a nice girl. Innocent, friendly, shy, dull and loved a little. My name was Isabella Marie Swan. My life changed when I moved to the small town of Forks. I met new friends. I fell in love. Got my heart broken. Now I'm known as patient 417, I have been know as that since my father Charlie put me in here. He said he couldn't handle my crazed state anymore, that it was killing him watching me. Well guess what daddy I was better off at home killing myself on the drink and drugs it's definitely better than the treatment people get in here. I still remember like its yesterday.
Charlie's fist slammed down on the counter next to fridge where he was getting another beer. I looked up from the floor bored and slightly curious to his anger.
"That's it! I've had enough. I can't stand it anymore Bells" he sighed
"What?" I asked before taking another puff on my cigarette
"You" he turned around to stare me in the eye, I stared straight back into them. They held sadness, sorrow, anger. "You're like a walking zombie honey. I can't sit here and watch you waste away. You need help Bella, serious help. This needs sorting out, you're not stable" he whispered directly to me. I snorted. Well we wouldn't be having this conversation if he wouldn't have found me in the bathroom and called an ambulance. That was my third attempt of suicide. It didn't go to plan. I woke up in hospital a couple of days later. It didn't stop me smoking pot or cocaine in fact it made me want it more. That was a few weeks ago.
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm sending you away Bella"
"I told you already dad I'm not going to Jacksonville with mom and Phil" a few weeks after... they left Charlie tried to send me to Jacksonville, mom came out here and started to pack my stuff then I... just... snapped. I threw a huge tantrum, cried to Charlie and then he let me stay here at home. That was the weekend I went out with Jessica to Port Anglers. We went to a party, I never smoked before let alone drugs or alcohol. When I tried all that stuff I found that I forgot about everything in my life. I had fun and smiled in which seemed like a life time. I got hooked, but I don't care. I'd still rather forget everything bad in my life, in fact I'd rather it just end full stop.
"I'm not sending you to Renée Bells" he paused to take a deep breath "I'm sending you away... to... you're going to a place where you can be taken care off. Where you can get better"
"I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about" I said confused
"It's place where you can talk to people about your problems. They're give you treatments to help you with your recovery. It will help you sweetie, you'll get better then come home brand new" he said with a smile on his face now.
What the hell was he on about? A place where I'll be looked after? Where I'll get better. To talk to people. Treatments for my recovery? Was I going somewhere? What did he mean coming home brand new? Then it clicked. I gasped, first I was shocked, then hurt, scared, but like I usually do I build all my feelings into one emotion... anger, forget about anger it was pure rage.
"You're sending me to a shrink!?" I screeched and tossed my cigarette to the ground.
"Bella be rational-"
"Rational!" I interrupted him "How the fuck do you think I'm gonna be rational. You're sending me to a fucking nut house. Just you wait till I tell mom about this"
"Bella you're mother and Phil also think it would be a good idea for you. It's going to help you honey, then everything will be alright"
"I'm not fucking going, you can't fucking make me. If your mistaken Charlie I am a legal adult, therefore you cannot make me go to that fucking shit hole" I was sure my face was bright red from my fit.
"Let's get something straight, sit the hell down, shut up and bloody listen" I was so shocked I had to sit down otherwise my legs would have give way on me, he never shouted at me like that and quite frankly he kind of scared me a little. "Good. You are going to the hospital, it will help you and I don't want your opinion on this Isabella" he hissed. We sat in an uncomfortable silence for what seemed years. I just couldn't move or even make a comment back to the person I called father. I didn't want to talk to him. I was his only daughter and he was giving me up to a crazy hospital. I didn't know much about this whole psychiatrist stuff, but I know the entire thing has to be built on trust. Yeah! Sure! I could tell the truth if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell. I was distracted from my thoughts when I saw a pair of headlights flash across the wall from the window. I looked up to Charlie who had a slight scowl on his face. I frowned confused, until there was a knock on the door. Charlie smiled.
"Don't worry Bell your gonna get better" he whispered then went out of the kitchen to get the door. What? Already? He tells like half an hour ago and now he's ready to get rid of me. No way am I going without a fight. I stood up abruptly and ran up the stairs. I slammed my door shut and fell to the floor in front of it. Ohh shit! What hell am I going to do? Wow I did not think this through, did I? I heard them running up the stairs. I jumped up and ran to the other side of the room.
"Bella! Get out now! They are only trying to help! Get out or I'm gonna knock this door down!" he was serious. Shit, shit, shit, what the fuck am I doing? They were still shouting, but my mind blocked them off. I need something, anything, to throw at them, to fight them off. In the corner of my eye I saw my raiser still there from this morning's shower and my last cutting session. Just as I picked it up, the door flew of the hinges. The men charged at me but I was ready, one made a grab for me, but I slashed his hand with the blade. He shrieked back as if I burned him.
"Fucking hell, Jesus Christ" he cursed examining his injured hand. Charlie came in front of me.
"Isabella, calm down, okay? It's all going to be okay Isabella" I was so concentrated on him I didn't realise the man on my other side, I remembered him as soon as he struck the needle in my arm. I dropped the blade and clutched my arm. Everything started to get fuzzy all of a sudden, the room was spinning. What the hell did he just give me? The man picked me up as if I weighed ten ponds instead of 100, I couldn't fight them off any more, I was so, so tired, I had no energy.
I vagley remembered being thrown in the van, and then there was a laugh somewhere in the front.
In the films the men in white coats come and collect you, force you out kicking and screaming, holding your arm so tight it felt the bones could crush in a instant, they chuck you in the back of the van without a care in the world and laugh sadistically. Well I can now tell some movies don't lie, they're not fake, they're real. This is happening to me, there isn't a single thing in the whole world to stop it, I'm on my own, I have no one, un loved, un wanted, alone and always will be, now I guess.
Then everything went black.
I will never forgive Charlie for this, also Renée, they put me in here, they destroyed me, and the people in here. When I first arrived here though I swore down that I would get out of this place, and bring others with me. Well that's kinda what we're planning now. We have meeting each might sneaking out of our rooms when we can. Sometimes we get caught on the way to the meetings, then we get punished, the punishment? Let's just say rats are treated with more care than us. Anyway, as I was saying we have meetings each night when we can, basically we discuss our ideas of staying safe, and getting out of the hospital. Alive. This meeting is for the sane only, most the people were sane when they arrived, but the umm, doctor's if that's even what you call them changed that. Now when I arrived I thought shock therapy had been banned and against the law, I guess apparently not here. We are separated into two groups; Q and X, I'm in group Q, X is completely the other side of the hospital, I've only met them a few times and they're better off than us, mainly because we still stick up for ourselves, where as they will jump a cliff if they were told to do so. I'm with the seven of us, we're all friends, always have been since I arrived here. They stuck up for me, even took a few beating for me as have I for them.
There is; Nikki, the baby of the group she is only four-teen, we, well I mainly look after her, her room is right next to mine, so when something is going on I know when to deal with it. She's quite a petit little girl, long, wavy brown hair that flows down her back, to stop at her waist, brown chocolate eyes that look at you with her soul barred. In fact she is very much like me, stubborn most definitely. I consider her as my little sister for all purposes, we just aren't blood related. She only arrived about five months ago but soon adapted to our group. Her family sent her here they say she was too weird for them. She has a strange way of knowing things about people, what they like or dislike, how they feel, she is very considerate. I have asked more about her family, but she doesn't like too, she just claims that I'm all the family she needs now and always will.
Next is Abby, she's one of my best friends in here, she's funny, smart, she was once very strong and independent, she was the most feisty of us all but in here they keep her doped up all the time and mostly cuffed, so they can restrain her when necessary, she's a shadow of the person she was before. She always feels so guilty that she can't protect us, it's not her fault though, and none of us can stop them most the time. There is just so god damn many of them. She knows how to lighten the mood when all of us feel weak and insignificant. She has now just turned twenty-six. She was sent here about a year before me, she lost her boyfriend in car accident, she was the one driving, and like always she blames herself for it, she became suicidal. She was taken here by her father.
Emma-Louise is the eldest out of all of us she is the mother of our group. She is very much like Esme in a mothering way, she is certainly better than Renée will ever be that's for sure. She is seventy-six, yeah she is old, but she is brilliant. Her daughter took her here claiming she was a crazy old lady, the people here immediately took her in, hmph, and yeah they just couldn't wait to have another patient here. Her daughter just really didn't want to take responsibility for her that's all and couldn't wait to get her inheritance. Again I try to take all the harm from her to me, also the others try too.
Megan is the same age as me, well my physical age, I'll explain more another time. She is very much like Rosalie, beautiful, just like Rose. We don't always get along but we have each other's back sometimes. We argue like crazy, but at the end of the day I love her like mad I don't know what I'd do without her. She has been here the longest out of all of us, her parents abandoned her on the doorstep of a church, and the Nunn's gave her to the hospital. The Nunn's felt she deserved to be in a place like this since her parents gave her up there must be something wrong her. Which is wrong, sure she is a bit self observed. At the same time she is a very caring person.
Finally the twins, Aryan and Brylane, they are quite unusual names, but the names suite them very well. They're parents gave them up her at the hospital. Apparently they used to speak to things they're parents can't see, they were diagnosed as insane really. They do still speak to things even I can't see, they just say, they see spirits and always have been able too. For some odd reason I do believe them, I find it all very interesting. They are both seven-teen.
So that's all of us, we work together, plan together, talk together and most of all try to distract each other most of what we can from this place, now I must say plenty of the time it's extremely hard to forget. It's just us girl we never see any men other than the doctor's they are probably some other side of the building, I wouldn't know there is only a few other places I've been here.
"So what do you think Bella? Bella! What the hell? Earth to Bella, come back to us" Abby said frantically waving her hand in front of my face.
"Wow, err what did you say?" I missed that completely.
"Ohh my god, he has to explain it again, stop spacing out all the time Bells" Megan hissed.
I know it was really childish for me to do, but ohh well I did. I stuck my tongue out at her "Whatever!" I sneered. She snorted at me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Hey! What did I tell you, she is a total Rose.
"Right I'll tell you again. I was thinking maybe, we could keep back each of our pills given to us, go out in the middle of the night and drug the sugar they use for they're coffee. Then when they're all drugged up we can make an escape" Abby had a smirk on her face, obviously pleased of her plan
"It's not a bad idea really, but how will we get every basted in this place because I can guarantee we won't"
"Ohh yeah well we can always think of the rest another time. The real question is if it can work, what you think Emma?" she asked
"It could very well be a good idea Abby sweetie, but we all should now go to bed it's getting late, all of you should get as much rest as you can" as she said that I saw Nikki yawn beside me. I smiled and rested my arm around her shoulder she snuggled into my side and sighed in content.
"Yeah I think that's a good idea, we should get some rest, we have plenty of time don't we?" they all nodded. I said goodnight to everyone. I had to help Nikki out to her room she was nearly un-conscious. I made sure to keep an eye out around the corner for any watchmen in the corridor. I sighed in relief it was clear. I helped Nikki into her bed and tucked her inn. I got up to leave but she grabbed my hand, I turned back to look at her. Her eyed were wide open staring at me with a smile on her face.
"What is it sweetie?" I sat back down next to her. She wrapped her hand tighter around my hand I squeezed it back in return.
"Sing me a song please" I laughed quietly
"Aren't you a little old to be sung to sleep" Shit I made a mistake there, I remembered when Edward used to sing my lullaby for me to sleep. No can't think that. He doesn't care about you anymore Bella. Never has, he doesn't love you none of them love you.
"I'm never too young to be sung to sleep, Bell please, it keeps the nightmares away" she pleaded, tears sprang to her eyes in an instant. I knew what her nightmares were about, when that one time Derek got in here at the time I was locked in the cellar, chained to the wall. I stopped Scott from hitting Emma, she is very fragile and it was our entire job to protect her. Derek got to Nikki and drugged her. That night he beat and raped Nikki. I will still never forgive myself for not being there to stop, but at that moment I was probably un-conscious, from so many blows to my body I had. I just still wish I was there to help her Nikki still has her nightmares from that event. Well so do I, and every time I wish I didn't have to relive it again, I have to when they feel like it. They took away our innocence, something we can never get back.
"Shh darlin, it's okay, no one's going to hurt you I'm here, you'll be fine, sweetie. Of course I'll sing to you" I said drawing my southern accent out. Yes that's right my accent changed a lot in the last five years. This place we're in now is in Texas, Odessa. Spending five years with the same people day in day out has some effect on you, especially their accents. I got into the small bed beside her and cradled her like a baby in my arms and kissed the top of her head, I started singing.
Smile though you're heart is hurting
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky,
you get by if you smile through your fears and sorrow's
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
you'll see the sun come shinning through
if you just light up your face with clearness
hide every trace of sadness
or though a tear maybe ever so near
that's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll see that life is still worthwhile if you just smile
Her eyes fluttered shut, her breathing deepened in sleep. I smiled down at her and kissed the top of her head again. I got up to tuck her back in the blankets. She settled down deeper in her pillow.
"Goodnight sweetheart, I will always be here for your bad dreams and sing them away, I love you my little sister"
"I love you too Bellz" she slurred
I laughed quietly I walked silently to my own room. I will get out of here, we all will, I'm going to make sure of it. I settled down in my bed and slipped into a rare dreamless sleep.
I woke up to like every morning; screaming, for some patients here it's their treatment day, like me. They will probably collect me in a few hours. I shuddered at the thought. Who would come for me today?
1. Water Treatment
Where we were submerged in ice-cold water for extended periods of time. Sometimes we were wrapped in sheets which had been soaked in ice water and restrained.
2. Shock Therapy
Electric shocks were administered to some submerged in water tanks or, more commonly, directly to the temples by the application of brine-soaked electrodes. I had that one time and I will never for the rest of my life forget it. I was made to hold a rubber piece in my mouth to prevent me from biting my tongue off during the convulsions which followed a treatment.
Then there was the other kind which I thank god everyday when I don't get it and hopefully never will. Some of the people in here who have had it made them more insane or simply ended up dead. The bodies are just chucked in a ditch and buried. Nobody would even know they were there. I'm sure these things they did were illegal. I bet the doctor's as they call themselves don't even have a licence.
Its called lobotomy, some of the patients had their skulls opened and their neural passages separated midway through the brain. This difficult and arduous procedure killed so many people in here, but those who survived did in fact forget many things that happened to them in this place like their name. They also forgot a lot of other things, like how not to shit down your leg at dinner time. Open-skull brain surgery is a tricky business no matter how you slice it. Not like they care what they did to the poor people. I knew one girl called Kelly she was sent here for depression she never spoke to anyone so that got her a lot of beatings. She did speak to me though a few times. She told me about her family how it was her boyfriend who sent her in here, saying she didn't know how to look after her baby. He beat her, a lot. It was her main goal to get out and get to her baby so she hug her close to her. When I say it was her main goal, I mean that she died a few days after the surgery was completed. And she was frown in the ditch with the others.
This simpler lobotomy became something of a craze in mental health circles in this place. The method involved knocking the patient unconscious with electric shocks, then rolling an eyelid back and inserting a thin metal ice pick-like instrument called a leucotomy, I think. A mallet was used to tap the instrument the proper depth into the brain. Next it was sawed back and forth. Sometimes this was done in both eyes. There is some evidence that this method actually helped some people with very severe conditions that were actually really needed help in this place, but much more often the patient had horrible side effects and in many cases ended up nearly catatonic. How do I know? Emma told me, she was one of the few to survive it more than ten years ago. She said there was nothing wrong with her in the first place, but she was lucky to come out alright anyway, thank god.
Either way I'll get a good old kick in. I remember my first day here I would have never imagined my life to be like this.
I heard the van stop with a screeching halt. Jesus! My head hurt like crazy. It was like my real bad hangover I had the other week with Lauren. I ended up spending the whole weekend over hers, both hiding on the couch under a bund of blanket and pain killers. Way to ruin the Saturday night buzz, right? The door opened and they dragged me out.
"What the hell! You know I am the patient you doc's should be nice to me, I deserve kindness to get better, right?" I struggled with them, and added a little sarcastic remark, yeah even in a situation like this I can still be sarcastic. Besides there is nothing wrong with me. Charlie will realise how wrong he was in a few hours then come and get me, saying how sorry he is, then we'll get fast food on the way home, watch the game go to bed and everything will go back to normal.
One of them laughed, while the other basted snorted. "Kindness suuure, there will be lots of that here" he said even more sarcastic than me. I struggled more. The first one slapped me hard across the face, shit! That hurt, I was so shocked of what just happened I stopped protesting all together and let them carry me in.
When we entered there was a small plump woman at a desk, I guess she was the receptionist. She looked up at us with a small friendly smile on her face, but her eyes show sorrow and ... Pity? What is there to be pitiful for?
"Hello welcome back, I see this is Miss Isabella Swan" she had a southern accent. Just like the two fucking creeps beside me. Where the hell was I? She turned her eyes on to my face, she was apologetic.
"Yeah this is her, make yourself useful and take her to her cell" the lady looked like she wanted to protest, but though otherwise.
"Of course" she replied. The men let go of me and walked a corridor the opposite side of the area.
"Come with me dear" she said. I followed her in silence, well silence between us not the other people in this place. There was screams of pure agony vibrating through the walls of the whole building. We reached the end of the long corridor of many metal doors where some of the screams held. She stopped then turned to face me.
"Look I shouldn't really be telling you this it's just ... you seem different ... I know you're not meant to be in this place and I'm truly sorry that you are here" well at least she believes me.
"My uncle owns this place it's been in the family for years. My family are ... well the only way I can describe it is ... sick my family are really sick and they are the true one's who belong in this place. I don't want to be like them so this is why I'm warning you now. Just do as you're told, obey the rules, and stay out of trouble as much as you can. They're will be consequences as you can determine out of these screams. I will try to help you as much as I can like I do for the other patients who don't belong here, but no one can know. I would get into so much trouble and don't ask any questions not here, not right now, we don't have time" she said then went to open the door to the cell.
"How do I know I can trust you?" I couldn't figure her out. Was she trying to trick me? I know I'm a teenager but I'm not that naive.
"Don't worry, you can" was all she replied.
She led me into the small room. Now I don't know all that much about design, fashion, decorating and all the other shit. But even I could tell it was dull, too dull. It was so ... depressing, like I'd never be happy again. The walls were white, while the floor was also white but tilled. There was a small metal bed in the corner with grey sheets and a light blue uniform or that's what it looked like, also a small chest of draws next to the bed. No window's no nothing, the only light supply was the tiny light dangling from the ceiling which was way too high, but it still seemed to light up the room. I walked to the corner and sat on the bed, it creaked loudly form my weight.
"Right I know it's not much, but this will be your new room now, so you have to get used to it. Change into your new clothes and someone will be here in fifth-teen minutes to check on you" she turned to walk out the room, but there was something I needed to ask first.
"Wait!" I called. She looked back at me curiously.
"Yes?"
"What's your name?"
"Lisa. My name is Lisa"
"Thank you Lisa and yes. Yes I do trust you"
The corners of her mouth turned up into a little smile and her eyes lit up a little that I did trust her.
"Okay, well like I said get changed into you new clothes as soon as possible and someone will be here shortly to meet you. Good luck" she whispered the last bit as she walked back out the room locking it behind her.
I got changed quickly then just waited on my bed. That still felt weird saying my bed. My bed was small but definitely bigger than and much, much more comfortable. I wish I had it right now, in my house, in my room, but I won't. I'm stuck in here all because of that basted I called a father. How could he do this to me? How could he do it without a second of hesitation? Was I really that bad? Was I such an inconvenience to him? Of course I was. I'm nothing but a toy, someone who can be messed around with, and left to rot. My own parent threw me away into the gutter that has to mean something.
The lock to my door suddenly opened and man came in wearing a white coat that came down to his knees and his hair combed back out of his face, he was holding a clip board, he walked in to stand in front of me. He looked up and smiled. Something about that made me uneasy, his ocean blue eyes sparkled but there was something off about them, they seemed hard and cruel. I shook it off and shuddered, and it wasn't from the cold.
"Ahh miss Isabella, I presume" It wasn't a question clearly he knew who I was.
I didn't want to speak, actually I didn't think I could, I just simply nodded at him. I really didn't like, I just wanted him to go away.
"Well I'm Dr. Derek Frost, you can just call me Derek, I will be your doctor here for the time you'll be spending here. You will be having treatment every few days, but eventually the treatment will be further apart-"
"Wait! What kind of treatments?" his eyes visibly darkened as I interrupted him which made my voice trail off at the end. He took a step closer, so close I could feel the heat of his body radiating into mine. I didn't like how close he was to me it made me feel uneasy again and mostly ... scared.
"Do not interrupt me! That is one of the things I will certainly not tolerate! Especially from you!" and of course my stupid old self channelled my emotions into anger. I stood up abruptly so now my face was inches from his.
"Don't you dare shout at me like that! I did absolutely nothing fucking wrong! And you fucking can't make me do fucking anything! You're not the boss of m-" I was cut off by huge slag across my left cheek which literally knocked me off my feet. I fell sideways back on to the bed, but didn't stay there long. He grabbed me and shoved me up against the wall making my head hit the concrete with a painful bang.
"Don't you dare talk back to me child! I was going to let you settle in and be nice to you, but now I think I should show you what happens to patients like you who break the rules. A lovely demonstration" he screamed in my face. His knee came up between us and kicked me in the stomach which made me heave over, but he wouldn't let me, he held me up and punched me in the ribs then threw me to ground like I was a sack of potatoes. I screamed out by the force as I made contact. But her wasn't done he kicked me in my ribs again, making curl up in a ball in attempt to protect myself. Then it stopped. My lungs were burning every time I took a breath, I ached all over, my brain screamed at me to end the pain, but I couldn't, I couldn't move as I tried to control my breathing, I never felt so much physical pain since James bit me and the fire burned all through my body.
"I hope that will explain what happens when you mess with me Miss Swan, it was pleasure to meet you, you're treatment will begin in two days time, goodbye for now Isabella"
He walked out of the room, locking it behind him and left me there. Lisa was right, I didn't belong here and most importantly her family is sick. How could she stand? And why the hell is she still here, and not going to the police? I curled up more hiding my face in my hands, closing my eyes and ignoring the tears streaming down my face.
My first day here and most certainly not my worst day here. My ribs ached for day and I had a hug blue bruise across my face. My door opened and in came the devil himself.
"Hello Isabella" he said sweetly, I cringed I hated it when he called me by my full name, in fact I hated when everyone called me it, it brought up too many bad memories. I nodded to him making it clear that I had heard him speak.
"Come along now then Isabella, you have plenty of treatment today to help you on the right track, and plenty more to come" I just nodded again and sat in the wheelchair and let him strap my wrists and ankles down so I couldn't escape. I found it pointless now to try and struggle it would only end worse off for me. He wheeled me out through the corridors to the treatment room. I passed many patients on the way some looked so defeated and dead in the eyes. I didn't look at them too long, I'd be caught up in too much emotion, and I just left my blank expression my face. We got into the room and I saw the bed with the machines wired up next to it, and I knew my treatment today. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, breathing through my nose and out through my mouth. I opened my eyes slowly as the other doctor Smith spoke.
"Let's get you ready then Isabella"
And the torture begins.