AN: Don't ask me what this is because I'm not entirely sure myself. First Dynasty Warriors fanfiction I've uploaded here and I decided to do Xiahou Dun because he's cool and one of my favorite characters, plus the fact that Wei and Jin are the best dynasties, hands down. Don't agree? Well it's a shame, my cup of care is empty. Been empty for years. Alright less talk, more journal. I'll probably upload more chapters if people like this, and if I come up with more dry humor.

Um, date, year, what do I put here? Oh whatever. That rhymed I'm hilarious.

So, dear journal..? No I'm a man, screw that.

Zhang He gave this to me, said something about feelings, and then pranced off to talk about butterflies and glitter with Li Dian, or whatever bisexual men talk about these days. I honestly don't want to know.

How about daily happenings? That's pretty manly right? I'll ask Dian Wei, he's a man. Damn, isn't he dead? I can't remember.

Guo Jia's been walking around with a black eye and a split lip. I think he might've been caught staring at Wang Yi's chest again. His fault for being lewd, Wang Yi's fault for having those things out there. And if you're going to stare at anyone there you should at least be discreet. Lord Cao Cao and Cao Pi are amazing at that. It's amazing how much practice they get, considering how little women we have here.

Why is Shu even a dynasty? They're just a bunch of whiny green twats with a whinier green twat as their leader. Plus they just love getting new assholes ripped. I assumed they would have learned that after the first invasion they lost. And the second. And the third. Wei is gangster, I thought we established that.

I wonder why people still ask me if I made up with Jia Xu. No, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Pretty sure, not 100%. Yes, I'm still pissed, but we also never speak because he's always getting drunk with Guo Jia. I'm waiting for the day he dies from alcohol poisoning. Hehe…

Hah, these peons are just jealous that my EYEPATCH has more testosterone than ALL the males in their family. I probably have enough balls for everyone in Wei. In China even! Certain people need a pair. Or two. Maybe three, if you're Xu Shu. Why did Cao Cao let him join Wei again? Oh wait, hypothetical route, never mind.

How are we supposed to get anything done if our officers won't stop staring at each other?! If Li Dian says something about being safe around Yue Jin one more time, I'm asking Yuan to shoot out my other eyeball. Double eye-loss, double the testosterone. Not a bad idea...

Cao Cao is a fantastic leader and I believe he's the only one capable of ruling China, but his son is an emotionless little shit sometimes. He's so prissy and that pair of boobs he calls his wife? She just takes up space. With those bowling balls. And she's just as dry and prissy as her husband. I pray that Cao Cao never finds this…

I've just been informed that I have offspring...When the hell did this happen? Why do they all look the same?! Come on! They should all lose their left eyeball and grow goatees like real men!

Xiahou Ba...my cousin…? I think...He must be my 2nd cousin if Yuan is my 1st. Jin…? The hell is that? Is that some watered down version of Wei? Why isn't he here?! Kinda sounds like the liquor Wang Yi is always pouring down her throat in despair. I keep forgetting you can't tell women to grow a pair and get over it. But seriously, Ma Chao killing her family was years ago. You think with her boobs she would have gotten another husband already.

I keep forgetting she's psychotic never mind. The only one who seems to have any interest in her is Guo Jia, but he'll have sex with anything that has a pulse…

Cai Wenji…? Who is she again ? Oh yeah, the woman with the harp. How is that even considered a weapon? Try a sword, swords are better. Why is she even here? Does she do anything other than sit there smiling? Come on woman we're at war! Get your lazy, useless ass up and help us kill things!

Now that I think about it, Wu is like Shu except red, fire and tiger obsessed twats. And I like them more than Shu. They wanted to kill Guan Yu over a piece of land! That is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard…

Well, now that I think about it. If Guan Yu stole land from me and refused to give it back, I'd be pretty upset and try to murder him too.

Jeez, Zhang He is mean when he's had too much to drink… I didn't think he knew any other words other than, 'beauty' and 'grace' and 'elegance.' I'm too busy to worry about that though. It would suck if all the women in our kingdom rebelled because Lord Cao Cao is a pervert when he's drunk. Maybe I should try and hide all the alcohol in the kingdom...