catch the wheel that breaks the butterfly

Nagisa Kaworu

This thesis can fucking die, in Kaworu's opinion.

If this third cup of coffee is any witness to Kaworu's struggle, than that is enough for him to testify in court if he loses his mind and flips this table without warning.

A paper on the Second and Near Third Impact, to anyone else, wouldn't—shouldn't—be that big a deal. A small amount of research, a hefty amount of what all college students called "professional bullshitting" and the paper would basically write itself.

Yeah, well, when you had plenty more knowledge about the Impacts than your textbooks because your past life was there, it makes a whole heck of a difference because you can't exactly write that an Angel infiltrated NERV and basically tricked everyone.

Because the textbooks don't tell you that. They only tell you what all the witnesses decided to be the appropriate cover-up. Just like with the Second Impact. A cover-up story so that they don't look like complete fucking failures. They don't give gruesome details about how the Angel's head was severed from its body by the EVA in Central Dogma, in front of Lilith. How the Angel befriended and deceived the pilot of UNIT-01; poor, defenseless, confused Ikari Shinji. And then he left that same Ikari Shinji to wallow in his own depression.

That the seventeenth Angel, the mastermind behind the Near Third Impact, was named Nagisa Kaworu.

Another reason for Kaworu to really hate the fact that he knows too fucking much. Because he can't explain in words about how much it stings to be not only knowledgeable about the disgusting itty-bitty facts but to share the name of the creature that almost caused the Third Impact. To share the memories and the body and the personality and everything that wrapped into this burrito named Nagisa Kaworu.

Looking back on his memories, Kaworu rubs his chest with a wince. And it can only be his shitty luck that in this lifetime he's born with a heart condition. It's a miracle he's even alive in his senior year of university; doctors always told him he wouldn't make it to his high school graduation.

But Kaworu was convinced that he would see Shinji again. And maybe it's work of God, no matter how much he hates Kaworu for his past deeds, but he's been kicking through high school and well into university.

But now this fucking paper was kicking his ass. And he isn't happy about it.

His fingers still on the keyboard when another steaming mug of brown heaven is placed near him. His red eyes follow the arm and Kaworu can feel his heart beat sporadically. If this is how he is meant to die, than looking into the dark blue eyes of Ikari Shinji seems like the best way to go. "I'm sorry," Shinji stutters, and God if Kaworu doesn't shiver at the familiar sound of his voice. "I saw that you've already had a few cups and if you don't want this one I can take it for myself…"

"Do you like coffee?" Kaworu asks, and Shinji shakes his head. The albino smiles and takes the cup, bringing it to his lips. "It's mine. Can't have you drinking something you don't like. Go order yourself something you like, and tell the nice lady to put it on my tab."

"I—I can't do that!" the brunet flushes.

"Please, I insist."

Shinji bites his lip. "Can I leave my bag here?" He gestures to the messenger bag slung over his shoulder. When Kaworu nods, Shinji sets the bag down on the chair across from him, and walks over to the counter, talking happily with the woman on the other side.

Kaworu eyes her, and while Shinji looks away from her, she catches his eye. She looks remorseful, and she glances briefly at the brunet waiting at the counter. Kaworu sighs, looking at his cup of coffee.

Misato remembers, but just from that look alone, Kaworu can assume that Shinji doesn't.

But Kaworu supposes that Shinji not remembering isn't so bad. Third Impact Shinji went through too much. Kaworu doesn't know how that Shinji reacted after his death but it couldn't have been good. He knows Shinji. Shinji is a precious soul, an awkward little boy who deserves so much happiness.

Shinji returns and sets his cup down, moving his bag aside to sit down across from Kaworu. Their eyes meet briefly and Shinji blushes and looks down. Kaworu smiles at the familiar gesture. "My name is Kaworu," he says, smiling brightly. "Nagisa Kaworu."

"Ah, Ikari Shinji," the brunet replies, smiling back. He takes a sip of whatever drink he ordered, and practically melts in his seat. "What are you working on that calls for four cups of coffee? It can't be easy if you're basically killing yourself like this." Shinji flushes some more if possible and waves his hand in front of his face, coming dangerously close to knocking his cup. "Not that you have to share—I—I was just curious, is all! I'm sorry!"

Kaworu smiles wider, and he's pretty sure his face is going to be stuck this way forever if this continues in the direction it's going. "It's fine, don't worry too much about it. It's my senior thesis. It's really kicking me in the butt."

Shinji cocks his head to the side in that adorable way Kaworu remembers him best for, almost imagining the headphones connected to that godforsaken Walkman hanging from his ears. "What's it about?"

Kaworu hesitates. This would be the ultimate test to see if Shinji remembers anything about their past life together. "The Impacts…specifically the Second and Near Third. I'm stuck on the Near Third Impact."

Shinji's face doesn't change too much. His eyebrows raise slightly and he nods his head in understanding, and then squints, pink tongue sticking out from between his lips in thought. "The Third was…in 2015?" he asks, and Kaworu does his absolute damn best to not let his disappointment show in his face. "At least—I think."

"Yes, 2015." Kaworu hates that Shinji doesn't remember. "Admittedly, it should be easier to get information since it was years after the Second, but…"

It was easier. Obviously. The Second Impact occurred in 2000, and while technology was plenty advanced to record the events, the most information he has is about the Near Third Impact. Obviously. He was fucking there. But it was a different story retelling a story in a point of view no one else knew about…!

"W-well," Shinij starts with a stutter, his finger gently running across the edge of his cup. "Perhaps…I can help you? I don't know much about the Impacts on my own—but! My father should know something. He's a…scientist, I guess? And his new wife is also one. They might have some information we can use."

Kaworu blinks, his mouth falling open. He has to be careful to not spill his drink all over his keyboard at the offer Shinji just gave him. If—if—Shinji's father also reincarnated and Ikari Gendo remembers something, it could potentially be problematic. Gendo knew Impact-Kaworu, and Kaworu knows that he looks identical to that one. Kaworu bites his lip. This is a very tempting offer, not because he needs this thesis to be finished, but because this way, he's sure to be able to spend some more time with Shinji.

"Sure," he agrees, quickly saving his document for emergencies. He's had one too many instances where he's forgotten to save and all his caffeine-fueled work went right out the window.

Just like his soul.

"But I don't want you to get in any…trouble if your father doesn't allow you to see whatever stuff he has."

Shinji shrugs, hands folded around his cup protectively. "If I do my best to sneak around, I probably won't get caught."

"Caught?" Kaworu asks, almost choking on his drink. "I'm not going to let you…steal some research for a person you just met. Absolutely not. What the fuck, Shinji."

The brunet blushes and sinks down a little in his chair, as if in shame. Kaworu bites his lip and follows it up with a sigh. God, Shinji doesn't even remember him but Kaworu is so fucking wrapped around his pinky finger already that it's laughable. "Okay, okay, fine. I don't like this—don't like the idea of you getting punished for taking material from your father or…mother? But I guess I can't stop you. So…" he waves his hands in front of his face in exasperation, and Shinji smiles up at him, back straightening a little. Kaworu leans forward and points his finger. "But! If I hear you saying that you got in trouble, I am not accepting what you got. Because that's just not how I roll."

Shinji nods, opening his messenger bag and shuffling around without looking. He pulls out a device with headphones wrapped around it—an iPod; clearly an upgrade from the Walkman back in 2015, but Kaworu bites back a smile because Shinji with his love of music really hasn't changed. The young man then pulls out his phone, clearly pushing back some papers to the bottom of the bag that came up with his rustling. "Do—do you mind?" he asks, and unlocks his phone. He's too quick for Kaworu to see the code; not that he wants to be a stalker, but anything to give him a little closure that maybe the memories are just repressed. "It'll be an easy way to keep in contact so I can give you that research."

Kaworu takes the phone and punches his number in along with his name and a cute emoji. He glances at the picture option and taps it, standing from his seat and taking a step toward Shinji, bending at the waist to be at face level. "Selfie for your contact photo?" he asks, and Shinji looks into the camera with a wide, deer-like look. Kaworu smiles gently and snaps the photo, saving it immediately even when Shinji protests. "Nope! You're sending that to me, by the way. Matching pictures are cute."

Kaworu isn't sure if Shinji will first pass out or spontaneously combust with how much blood is in his cheeks, but he doesn't want to find out as he hands the phone back to him. Shinji glares at Kaworu for a second, but it seems as though he can't keep himself from smiling and Kaworu, well.

Kaworu feels as though his heart is going to stop with how hard it's beating because Shinji is the fucking sun and he doesn't mind dying if it's like this.

Shinji texts him after they part ways and Kaworu has to do his best to not drop his phone at the bus stop because this has been his dream for as long as he's been born with these memories and now his dream is texting him and—

Okay, maybe calming down is a good idea because he was just very close to falling in front of the bus and he's getting looks from this old woman standing next to him. Like, what's her problem, he's just a boy in love?

Shinji's text is simple—a confused face and a 'A heart? Really?' and Kaworu has to laugh because it's no surprise that Shinji uses completely perfect grammar even when he sends texts. Kaworu bounces on the heels of his feet as he replies, a giddy smile pulling on his lips because he's so in love that it's ridiculous. Shinji will probably never be able to comprehend just how in love this poor boy is with him, even if they start a relationship. They may even get married and Shinji would have no idea!

Wow, what kind of paradise would Kaworu be in if they ever got married.

Kaworu fires back with an equally flirty text and a winky face, and Shinji laughs—literally spells out 'hahaha'—before asking him about another day for them to get together. He follows it up with not knowing if he'll have the research materials by then, but still, would like to meet with Kaworu to get somewhat of an understanding about the Impacts from what the albino has already found.

Kaworu, in his already weakened state of mind, immediately thinks of it as a date. And he responds as such, to which Shinji only replies with a blushing emoji.

If Shinji is as smitten as Kaworu is, he doesn't show it when they meet again in a university lounge, hidden away in a corner, far from any prying eyes. This meeting is full of fleeting touches, bashful glances, and short compliments. They've texted on and off since the first day, and progressively the messages have become more flirty and more romantic. Kaworu is not afraid of teasing Shinji just to see his flustered face. His flustered face is a very nice face to look out. Actually, his face in general is super nice to look at.

Kaworu really likes Shinji's face, okay?

Shinji was unable to get his father's research, but Kaworu doesn't mind because he still has the rest of his year to write his thesis. Kaworu thought that Shinji would cancel their plans, but the brunet continues to surprise him by going as far as to remind Kaworu to meet up with him.

And he still manages to surprise him by telling Kaworu that he actually goes to this university, and studies music theory. He plays the cello, and doesn't consider himself any good but Kaworu always tells him otherwise even if he hasn't heard Shinji play. He remembers how self detrimental Shinji was in 2015—and he's not about to let this happen again.

And his favorite music is classical, which is what brought him to playing the cello in the first place. While Kaworu gently takes Shinji's calloused hands into his own, Shinji tells him that he had to beg his father—which he admits his name to being Gendo, and Kaworu bites the inside of his mouth to stop himself from saying anything about how much of an asshole 2015-Ikari Gendo was—to buy him the instrument. That was back when his birth mother Yui was still alive, so she always eased the blow. She was the reason he continued his cello lessons even after her death.

Their fingers are interlocked when Shinji says that Gendo remarried a woman named Akagi Ritsuko, who Kaworu recognizes as being one of the computer science professors at the university. She didn't teach any classes he was taking this semester, but he's seen her around the halls and she's a very young woman, but Kaworu doesn't ask Shinji how old his father is. Shinji admits that Gendo took a very long time to remarry, because he was so caught up in Yui's early death, and Shinji believes that there's a possibility all Gendo feels for Ritsuko is lust.

Kaworu isn't very surprised to hear that. He instead squeezes Shinji's fingers gently. "You don't have to keep talking if you don't want to. I'm not forcing you," he whispers, and Shinji pulls his midnight blue eyes from their hands to Kaworu's face. Kaworu smiles, and Shinji returns it.

"Thank you. How about you tell me about yourself?"

Kaworu visibly stiffens. There's so much he can say, but he has to be careful and make sure to keep it in this lifetime. "I was raised one of—you'll never believe me, but it's true—seventeen children, the youngest. I come from a very religious family, you see, and my parents believed that they needed to have a lot of children to appease God, or something like that." Kaworu chuckles. "I was their last one, though. Mother became sterile after me."

"God decided that seventeen was enough," Shinji whispers.

"Apparently. And so I grew up under the umbrella of sixteen brothers and sisters, constantly protected and cared for, but of course, the youngest is usually unlucky for I'm not of the best health. My heart is weak—has been since I was a child. No cure or treatment. I'm basically waiting to die."

Shinji looks at him with wide eyes, completely in shock. "Don't worry," Kaworu assures him. "I was apparently supposed to die before I graduated high school, but I'm here, senior year of uni, still kicking as hard as I can."

Shinji stays silent, his thumb gently caressing the top of Kaworu's hand. There's something behind these subtle touches that Kaworu loves, for obvious reasons. "I stayed alive because I felt like I was born to do something, and I think I finally figured it out."

Shinji keeps his eyes on Kaworu's red ones.

"I feel as though I have been born to meet you."

Shinji's eyes don't flicker in recognition.

He doesn't remember.

But Kaworu is learning to live with that.

When Shinji gets his paws on Gendo's research, he texts Kaworu to meet him at a different café that's still close by because Gendo knows that Shinji frequents the one Misato works at. His messages are urgent and with poor grammar, so Kaworu throws on his shittiest pair of shoes and some sweater that's at the bottom of his closet and runs out of his dorm, ignoring the pain in his chest.

When he steps into the café Shinji is sitting in, he briefly locks eyes with a fiery redhead sitting at a nearby table, whose gaze turns into a glare as she visibly huffs and turns away. Fine, Kaworu thinks as he turns to find Shinji sitting at a corner table on the cushions. He doesn't need to talk to Asuka either if she remembers. The two of them weren't very friendly in 2015 either.

Kaworu slides into the seat next to Shinji, taking notice of the thick binder in the brunet's lap, hidden from view from any of the other customers. There's a bruise on his left cheek, almost completely obscured by his hood, and Kaworu brushes a finger against it. "Don't tell me your father did this," Kaworu says harshly, ready to refuse the notes.

Shinji nods. "He managed to walk in at the last moment, right as I was getting out the door."

"Shinji," Kaworu reprimands, and the brunet turns to face him.

"I'm sorry, okay? A final thesis is really important and I know that you need this stuff to finish it and I really want to help you because I—I feel something for you, something I've never felt before and it scares me, but—"

Kaworu silences him with a soft kiss, a gentle hand on his non-injured cheek turning it toward him. This he has been dreaming for for years upon years, even during the lifetimes when Shinji wasn't by his side, and Shinji's lips are as wonderful as he believed they would be. Soft, but a little rough at certain points, and inexperienced. Perfect. "You do know this means I can't accept these notes," he teases, and Shinji frowns. "Shinji, I told you that I wouldn't accept them if your father caught you."

"But…"

And then Shinji looks up at him with sad eyes, and Kaworu feels all of his resolve crumble. "Alright, okay, fine, I'll take them." He snatches the binder away from Shinji, leaning back into his seat as he flips through it angrily. "But I'm not happy about it. You're lucky you're cute."

Shinji, to literally no one's surprise but to Kaworu's absolute delight, flushes a bright red, pulling on the strings of his hoodie. The albino nudges Shinji with his shoulder, and the brunet lifts his head to meet Kaworu in another kiss. "I'm still mad at you," Kaworu whispers, and Shinji smiles bashfully. "But I guess I can look over it for now." He sits up straight again and slowly goes through the binder, surprised at the amount of notes there were.

Sketches of all the Angels, with their attack patterns written out below and the damages, extra little notes about their behavior in the margins. Shinji watches in silence as Kaworu flips through, until he gets to the Sixteenth. He pauses, knowing that the Seventeenth is that dreaded Tabris, the Nagisa Kaworu that wrecked havoc in 2015. He carefully turns the page, and when he sees a pretty detailed sketch of the school uniform he wore to blend in with the Lilin, he slams the binder closed, startling the boy next to him. "This is plenty of information," he says coldly. "I'm thankful for your help, Shinji."

"Kaworu?" Shinji asks carefully, lifting his head when Kaworu sits up straight. The albino ignores the sudden spark of pain in his chest.

He instead smiles back at Shinji. "I'm fine, Shinji. Really, this is more than enough and I am ever grateful."

The brunet thinks about it for a hot second, before leaning on his elbow. "Can you tell me more about your siblings?"

Kaworu looks at him in surprise. "Well, they all have Japanese names like I do, but we tend to call each other by our middle names. Let's see…the family beauty is Ramiel; she's poised like no other and the most organized of us all. Everything she does is to a fault."

"Tell me about the oldest?"

"Sachiel is a big guy. He likes to wrestle. Mother hoped that her children from then on would be just like him because he was the ultimate role model, but we all ended up different."

"Which one are you?"

Kaworu chuckles, and Shinji gets a little closer, resting his head on Kaworu's shoulder. "I'm…the brains, I suppose. Father always praised me for my intelligence and I strived to make him proud. I am also his carbon copy. We look so similar you would think that we were twins." He runs his fingers against the cover of the binder, knowing all too well that Adam and Lilith and all the other Angels were written and drawn in this pile of notes.

He opens it towards the end, eyes widening when he sees an accurate sketch of 2015-Ikari Shinji, dressed in his EVA suit. Shinji looks at it, tilting his head to the side. "That's…me?" he whispers, and then turns his attention to Kaworu. "Why am I in this? Why am I…a Pilot?"

Kaworu takes in a deep breath and stands. His chest aches. "Because in 2015, Ikari Shinji fought against the Angels. In 2015, Ikari Shinji prevented the Third Impact from occuring." He flips to his own sketch, where the title "SEVENTEENTH ANGEL: TABRIS (NAGISA KAWORU)" is at the top of the page in dark letters. "In 2015, Ikari Shinji killed me, the Seventeenth Angel, the one behind the Near Third Impact." He hates that their relationship has just started and he's having to tell Shinji all of this. "In 2015, we fell in love and I have been waiting for the day we meet again."

Shinji is looking at him with wide eyes, and Kaworu closes the binder sadly. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I'm so, terribly sorry."

He leaves Shinji in the café, tears running down his cheeks. It has started to rain since he first arrived, and the cold mixed with the warm of his tears isn't very comforting.

But Ikari Shinji is always a fucking surprising human being, because the next day he calls Kaworu, and asks if they can meet so Kaworu can tell him all about what happened in 2015. And in his dorm, Kaworu breaks down into tears, because Shinji is a fucking ray of sunshine and Kaworu can't deal with it.

Kaworu responds with a question, asking if Shinji is sure because he didn't expect to talk to him again, but Shinji is pure and Shinji likes Kaworu—liked Kaworu before this whole mess began and will continue to like Kaworu until time ceases to exist. Kaworu cries some more, because he knows he doesn't deserve Shinji now, but he can't say no because that is how whipped he is.

So Kaworu invites Shinji to his crappy dorm, making sure to be stocked with junk food and drinks so that he doesn't seem like a shit host, and the two of them sit down together, face-to-face on his floor, because the bed is much too intimate a place.

"I want to understand," Shinji says, eyes hard. "I want to understand this situation, but I want to make sure that you're okay with it. That you know I'll never be mad at you. I could never hate you."

Kaworu doesn't look up from his hands that are folded in his lap. "I have been reincarnated many times. You may have been as well, I'll never know. This is the first time I've met you from what I know with my memories, but you…you don't remember. And that's fine! I've come to terms with it. It stings, but life isn't perfect and I have accepted that."

"So we knew each other during the Near Third Impact?" Shinji asks, and reaches to take Kaworu's hand. The albino flinches a bit, but allows his fingers to relax against Shinji's. "You said yesterday…that we fell in love? In 2015?"

Kaworu takes in a deep breath. "I did. It is unclear if you had any romantic feelings for me. I…died before anything could develop." Shinji looks like he's about to apologize, so Kaworu quickly continues. "Listen, before you say anything, you had no other choice but to kill me. If you hadn't, I, with the help of Lilith, would have caused the Third Impact and killed everyone. I begged you to kill me, Shinji. And you answered my plea. I was never upset that you had done that."

"I killed you."

"You were given no other choice. It was either kill me, or be killed. You made the right decision." Kaworu takes Shinji by the shoulders, so they can look each other in the eye. "Do not beat yourself up over something that happened hundreds of years ago."

"I…killed you," Shinji repeats yet again, hands moving to rest against Kaworu's. "How…did I kill you?"

Kaworu sighs. "You decapitated me. Held me in the fist of EVA UNIT-01, squeezed, and pop."

Shinji chokes on a sob, curling in on himself. Kaworu rubs his back, and Shinji manages a soft, "Where is your bathroom?" before slapping a hand over his mouth. Kaworu directs him to the small bathroom by the entrance of his room and Shinji stumbles to his feet and runs in, barely managing to close the door before he's violently retching into the toilet. Kaworu remains on the floor, staring at the ground in shame. It was Shinji that asked, he reasons with himself, and he will never, ever withhold information that the brunet wants.

Shinji reenters the room, dazedly sitting on Kaworu's bed, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. "I'm sorry," he says.

"Don't be." Kaworu turns his head to smile sadly at Shinji. "At least you're not living with the pain."

Shinji bites his lip and then wipes it. "Can we talk…about what you know from those notes?" He nods his head toward the binder on Kaworu's desk. "I'm not asking for anything…specific, because I doubt you know everything but—it would be nice to know a few things."

The albino stands and grabs the binder, plopping down on the bed and smiling when Shinji gently throws his legs on top of Kaworu's lap, snuggling up to his side. Kaworu opens the binder and points at the very first laminated page—what seems like an essay written in sloppy handwriting, signed by the commander himself. "This was written by the commander and chief of NERV, your father, Ikari Gendo."

Shinji stays the night in Kaworu's dorm, in Kaworu's arms, in Kaworu's bed. The binder is left open on Arael's page, two Angels before Tabris. Shinji lightly snores away, completely wrapped in Kaworu's embrace, but the albino is wide awake, rubbing his chest as another wave of pain hit him. He looks down at Shinji and presses his lips to the boy's hair, taking in a deep breath and resting his head back against the pillow.

He and Shinji don't exactly know what's going to happen next. But Nagisa Kaworu does know that he doesn't have much time left to figure it out.

A few weeks later, just when Kaworu is almost done with his thesis, he admits himself to the hospital because those pains from before are becoming more frequent and they're only getting worse. He is determined to finish his paper, so even when the doctors hook him up to monitors and machines, he's on his laptop, writing away with that binder at his hip. And doctors try to tell him to stop, but he doesn't, because Shinji went out of his way—got punched in the face by his father, and probably suffered more punishments afterwards—to get these notes so by God he's going to finish this final paper.

Shinji visits him every so often after he finds out that Kaworu is stuck in bed, gently running his fingers against the albino's skin. He speaks quietly to him, as though the world would fall apart if his voice should get too loud. Kaworu is in a single room, so there's no harm in talking as loud as they want, but there's something…more intimate when Shinji lowers his voice and smiles when he speaks and looks into Kaworu's eyes. Like they're the only two people in the world and the machines never existed.

When Shinji isn't around, and Kaworu has wracked his brain over a few more pages of his paper, he simply just flips through the laminated pages of Hell, reliving his past life bit by bit. His body is growing weaker, his family isn't visiting despite his many calls, and the doctors don't need to tell him that his time is running out because he can feel it. It's nothing comforting, but it's finalizing.

Yes, he admits when he finally finishes the thesis one day and sends it to his professor. He was born for a reason, to meet Ikari Shinji, and his purpose has been met.

Shortly after sending his paper, Nagisa Kaworu passes away peacefully, with nothing in the world but Ikari Shinji on his mind, and his page open in the binder.

author's notes:
as i post this i am in the middle of a disgusting argument with my mom and am just not having a good time so i decided to post this monster
this is a sorta?sequel to "i cried the rain that fills the ocean wide" and will contain a second chapter dedicated to shinji. that chapter will be posted in about a week, depending on when i get back to the states
love yall