DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or it's characters. Please support the official release.

Once upon a time, when Squaresoft was still a thing, and things were still simple and clean, there was a boy. A boy randomly floating in Light-knows-where. He probably took way too much LSD. That would explain at least 90% of what was about to come.

He opened his eyes, thus starting his deep philosophical narration that would make the audience question their own existence and the meaning of life.

"...Does anyone have any ice cream? I'm kinda hungry."

Truly a deep and thought provoking line right there.

But then he realised something...Sora being the jrpg obsessed maniac he was, he realised that having weird LSD trips automatically means that you're the main character of a jrpg! So he was the MC of a cool new game!

As he started falling, he ended up on the beach, with jpop music of all things playing in the background. Sora was confused, but at the same time, excited.

The young girl known as Kairi however, was not excited. She looked terrified and once she reached Sora she was completely out of breath.

"Kairi! I have great news! I'm the new main…"

"IT'S RAINING SORAS."

"What?!"

"I SAID IT'S *bleep* RAINING SORAS. LOOK, UP THERE!"

She pointed up at the sky when she realised that she was right. There were literally billions of Soras falling out of the sky, and the island was caught on fire with random Micheal Bay explosions in the background and people screaming "My leg!"

"Oh my, there's so many me's! Maybe I could be friends with-"

"FOR LIGHT'S SAKE JUST RUN!"

And so, they ran. With billions of Sora's raining down and destroying everything like meteors, they didn't really have anywhere to run though. Sora was just wondering what meeting someone's father had to do with any of this. He also wondered what a father actually was.

"Sora!" someone screamed from the distance.

Sora glanced at the person screaming, it was...Rikku? I mean, it was...Riku? He was standing in the water behind a tidal wave, looking rather cool and edgy, but less so since he was clearly in distress.

"Sora, there's no time, take my hand! We must drown here together!"

"But…"

"WE MUST ACCEPT THE WATER IN OUR HEARTS!"

"Never!"

"It's the only way Sora!"

Before he could drown in the impending tidal wave, a Sora fell on him, killing him.

"No! Riku!" he ran towards his now deceased best friend, screaming his name with emphasis on all the exclamation marks, but before he could reach him, a strong hand grabbed his arm.

"Forget about him! Save me instead you idiot!" Kairi demanded.

"But...Riku…"

However, before she could say a word, another Sora fell on her, killing her. She was dead, covered in blood with a fallen Sora on top of her. Completely lifeless. Dead. Deceased. Kicked the bucket. Gone forever.

"Riku...I miss you so much…"

He then realised that he was falling too, from the ground into...the water…or something? He then opened his eyes, because he could apparently breathe underwater. Wow, he really must be the main character!

He then landed on something, with birds clearing the way (because everyone knows that birds can swim and breathe underwater. Common knowledge) to show him what it was. He didn't look down at the ground for some reason, but it was basically window art of Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

…

Sora looked around. This was nothing new for him, having insane dreams like this, it comes with the territory of being a jrpg main character.

And suddenly, a floating text appeared from Light-knows-where.

"So much to do, so little time."

"Don't be afraid."

"The door is still shut."

Sora, understandably, was a little confused.

"Umm...who are you exactly? I don't know who you are. Wanna be friends?" he asked happily with his trademark grin on his face.

Suddenly, the text sighed reaaaally loudly.

"Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. It has been more than a DECADE since the game has been released. Do you even READ the Ultimania?"

"...What?"

The text sighed louder.

"Whatever. Anyway, use the left stick to walk. Can you do that kid?"

Sora started to walk, and he couldn't help but cheer as he did so.

"Thank you so much Mr Floating Text Man! I don't think I could have walked without your help!"

As he started to walk, he couldn't help but realise something…

"Oh god, I don't know how to run!"

"You do realise that there's literally a huge black box of text on the upper left corner telling you what to do, right?"

"Ahh, I see it now!"

He did as the box said, and a minute later he learnt how to run.

"Yay, I did it!"

"...You're never gonna survive Proud Mode kid. Anyway…*ahem*, power sleeps within you."

Three pedestals started to appear, one with a cool sword, another with a lame shield, and another with an even more lame staff. Seriously, they looked dumb.

"If you give it form. It will give you strength. Or defense. Or magic if you actually end up using it for literally anything OTHER than Cure."

"Ipickthesword," Sora stated without an ounce of thought put into it.

"You should probably think more deeply about this…"

"The sword."

"I mean, this affects the rest of the game and the staff or shield might be more useful..."

"THE SWORD, MR FLOATING TEXT MAN."

"Alright alright no need to be a whiny bitch. Get the sword, geez…"

"Yay, now I can stab stuff with it!" he said, with waaay too much glee in his voice. He picked up as he somehow jumped up on the pedestal.

"Your path is set. Now you have to give up a power too."

"But...why?"

"Because I said so. Now what'll it be kid?"

"Can't I just have all of them? After all, I'm the chosen one, and the main character! Shouldn't I have all of them since I'm so special and awesome?"

Sora began to make puppy dog eyes, and dammit not even floating text can resist that.

"*sigh* Fine. Shame you picked the sword, because if you hadn't I could have stabbed you in the fucking heart."

"Yaaaay!" Sora cheered.

A light began to shine within Sora's heart.

"You've chosen the power of the warrior. You've given up...ahh fuck this I'm just gonna kill you."

"Wait wha-"

And with that, the window art beneath him began to collapse, and he fell onto the next one. It had Cinderella with...black hair? Sora was suddenly very triggered upon seeing this. Like seriously, why was her hair black? Just...WHY?!

He fell gracefully on the ground thanks to his epic main character powers, and not a scratch was on his body. Mostly because the PS2 couldn't emulate physical injuries.

"Shit. You're still here."

"Even though you just tried to kill me I think we can still be friends!"

"Ha! Fuck no. Just kill this thing instead."

Suddenly, a creature of pure darkness began to materialize from the depths of the abyss.

And it. Was. Adorable.

It's cute little antennae and it's adorable buggy eyes. Sora loved it and wanted to keep it as a pet.

He lunged towards it and hugged it tightly in his arms.

"Awww you're so cute!"

The Shadow showed resilience at first, but eventually it enjoyed Sora's comfort and started purring like a cat.

Sora eagerly snuggled it and treated it like an adorable pet. The text was not amused.

"WhosalittlecutiepieyouareyesyouareandIloveyouso-"

"Sora."

"You'resuchanadorablelittle-"

"Sora…"

"I think I'll call you...Friend!"

"SORA!"

"Yes Mr Floating Text Man?"

"Ugh, KILL THE DAMN THING ALREADY."

"Wait...what?"

Tears immediately started to fall down Sora's eyes.

"N-no, I won't let you! He's my friend and I love him!"

"C'mon kid, just do it!"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Ok."

Sora's Dream Sword materialized into his hand. He didn't want to kill Friend, but...he had no choice. After all, Mr Floating Text Man told him to do it.

Friend looked at Sora with sad eyes, which practically screamed please don't hurt me I'm your friend.

Sora looked at him, feeling depressed knowing that he'd have to kill his friend.

And so...the sword came into contact with the creature of darkness, killing him, and releasing a few little green balls.

"No...I'm sorry, Friend…" Sora lamented. The sadness of him killing his friend was getting to him, and he ended up questioning whether he was a good person or not.

"Ugh, enough with all the emotional shit. Like, can we just move along with the story? Kill these guys and we can continue."

More Shadows appeared from the...umm, shadows.

"But...but…"

"*groan* Alright, look at it this way kid...you're the main character right?"

"Yes yes I am I'm the main character!" Sora stated, waving his arms frantically.

"Well, these are the bad guys."

Sora gasped.

"Bad guys?"

"Yes, the bad guys. You know what you need to do right?"

Sora drew his cool sword, ready to kill.

"MERCILESSLY DESTROY WITHOUT MERCY OR REMORSE!"

Mr Floating Text Man chuckled.

"Exactly."

And so, Sora mercilessly destroyed them without mercy or remorse.

"I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER, DESTROYER OF ALL EVIL, AND I WILL SAVE THE PRINCESS FROM THE METROIDS IN DRACULA'S CASTLE WITH THE SEVEN CHAOS EMERALDS, AND I WILL-" Sora shrieked with determination.

"Sheesh, where do Squaresoft get these idiots from?" Mr Floating Text Man asked himself as Sora continued rambling while killing Shadows.

"-I WANNA BE, THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS~"

And so, Sora and Mr Floating Text Man continued venturing in the Station of Window Art. After falling into the darkness while screaming like a little girl, and struggling with even the simplest instructions, Sora ended up on a beach. But he had no idea where it was because the game hadn't told him yet.

"Hold on. The door won't open just yet."

"FIrst, tell me more about yourself."

"Well my name is Sora not sure what my last name is I'm 14 years old I love Disney movies and Final Fantasy games and I love friends because friendship is the greatest thing ever in the entire universe and world and-"

The text sighed as he kept listening to Sora's nonsensical rambling. Once he finally stopped he looked around his surroundings and he immediately started to fangasm.

It was Tidus from Final Fantasy X, the one that no one liked! And Wakka who was also from Final Fantasy X, the one that no one liked! And Selphie...wait what Final Fantasy game was she from?

They asked him a bunch of weird questions, which Sora answered randomly since he was sure that they wouldn't affect his journey later on.

"The day you will open the door is both far off and very near. It'll probably take you around 30 to 40 hours. Or a few chapters."

"...What?"

"...*sigh* I take it back. It'll be really far off kid."

Anyway, everything turned white instead of fading to black, and Sora ended up on the highest pillar of the Station of Window Art. Sora looked around, realizing there was nowhere to go. Thankfully Mr Floating Text Man was there, being vague and mysterious as always which Sora found to be really helpful

"The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes."

Sora looked behind him, and he saw his shadow spontaneously convulse, coming to life...Sora wondered if he could make friends with it somehow.

"But don't be afraid."

"Why would I be afraid? It's just me," Sora asked innocently.

The shadow then grew...and grew...until it transformed into a hideous monster wrapped in tentacles and glowing yellow eyes. Not only that, but Sora noticed that there was a gaping hole shaped like a heart on his belly, maybe that was where his intestines were meant to be?

"*smirks* That's why."

And afraid, Sora was indeed. Seriously, it was so...big. And since Sora didn't know what hentai was he couldn't joke about "seeing where this was going."

"And don't forget…"

…

…

Sora looked up at the nonexistent sky, confused.

"Don't forget what?"

"...*groan*"

He realized that he had more to worry about than the floating text being extremely vague.

He drew his sword, ready to fight this hideous tentacle monster. He was terrified and he knew that this would be a challenging fight that would require all of his skill to defeat.

...At least, that's what he thought.

Until Darkside simply died in one hit.

"Wow, I expected something much harder," Sora commented.

Sora then realized he was falling into the depths of darkness, which for some reason were purple.

"B-but hey! I won the fight! This isn't faiiiir! I'm the main character!"

"Pfft, you think games are meant to be fair? Scrub."

"I-I thought we were friends! Don't leave me here!" Sora cried.

"You're not dying kid. You're waking up from your dream."

"Huh?" Sora asked intelligently.

"But what if...this isn't a dream? What if this is all just a shitty parody of a popular video game series?"

"But...that's ridiculous!"

"I can't deny that. Now rise and shine sleepyhead."

…

So yeah, no one said that being the main character of a jrpg would be easy.

I wonder how long it'll take for Sora to realize that.