Our Last Dance
I brushed aside the canopy of George's crib and gingerly placed him into his cot. I kissed his forehead, and enveloped him with a yellow wool blanket that Mrs. Hughes had crocheted diligently for him each night of my pregnancy. I remember she would carry on about the progress she was making anytime I complained to her about my swollen feet and indigestion. She would say with a pointed smile, just imagine the wee little one, tucked in with this beautiful blanket. Of course, Mrs. Hughes had used neutral yellows and greens for the wool as she hadn't dared to speculate the gender of Matthew's and my child.
As soon as I had laid George's head on his lace pillow, every ounce of energy was expelled from my body. I barely was able to teeter over to the chair where I would feed George, sluggishly falling into it. I shifted in my seat causing a squeak to emerge from the chair. Reching beneath my velvet robe, I pulled out a toy duck that would accompany George's bath time. Ducks…water…the sea…sea monster…Matthew. My thoughts somehow always trailed back to him. Then his sea blue eyes flashed in my head for a moment and my heart sank into the abyss it left. Maybe it served me right, to be so unhappy. I felt as though I was being punished for leaving Matthew hanging the first time he had proposed to me. Now he had left me hanging, indefinitely.
I reached over to the side table where a platter of food had been set by Anna in case I suddenly started to find food appetizing again. I commended her determination but found that notion entirely inconceivable. Nevertheless, I knew that if I lost my strength, George would suffer, so I unwillingly bit into a strawberry and swallowed it, hardly taking in any of the taste. Suddenly, I was reminded of the day Matthew and I ate strawberries together, after he had carried Sybil back from the rally. I closed my eyes, drowsy and tired from the memories that were constantly pouring over me.
I awoke with a start, realizing that I had been sleeping in an uncomfortably hard rocking chair for several hours. It was almost midnight and I could feel unsolicited tears start to well up in my eyes. Realization dawned on me…Matthew was dead. I hugged myself tightly and began to tremble. He had died in a car accident, merely four days ago, on the day that George was born. The day I thought would be the happiest day of our life would be forever tainted.
The last four days had been utter hell, and the weekend was almost upon me. Come to think of it, I hadn't even known what a weekend was before Matthew had educated me on the matter. An example of the things Matthew had brought into my life. I peered into the cot where George was sleeping silently. He was the most significant reminder of Matthew's impact on my life. It was Matthew who had given me the child that I had sought so desperately for so long. It was Matthew that had abolished all my dilemmas concerning the entail, lock, stock, and barrel by taking me as his wife. I owed so much to him, yet would never be able to fully thank him or give him the love he so deserved.
I took a deep breath thinking of our last discourse, wondering if I had been typically cold and brash in my choice of language. I hope he hadn't been slighted in any way by the grief I'd given him for not being there when George was born. I could feel the tempo of my heart increasing by degrees. I came to an absolute conclusion at that moment. I had been too demanding and had expected too much from him; his dying had been the outcome of my selfishness.
I tied the velvet belt of my housecoat in a loose knot and headed downstairs to where the gramophone was ensconced. I stood by the contraption, thinking profoundly about the dance that Mathew and I had shared that night that he had first kissed me so profoundly without any restraint. That was the precise moment I knew I loved him. I smiled as tears prickled in my eyes.
I picked up a record, and blew away a fine layer of dust that had settled on the vinyl. I placed the record onto the gramophone, placing the stylus gently onto it. The music of zip goes a million filled the entire room. I hugged my shoulders remembering how naturally it felt to be dancing hand in hand with him. I mouthed the lyrics of the song, "look for the silver lining." My heart sunk, remembering that there was no silver lining for George and me.