by Martha McMahon and E. Bryan Rumph
"I hate colds." Akane coughed, and glared at the NyQuil bottle. "Stupid stuff doesn't even --- Zzzzzzzzz" Akane suddenly collapsed as the sinister cold medication took effect.
"Akane?" Kasumi asked quietly as she carried Akane's dinner into the room. "Akane, wake up."
"Mmmm?" Akane replied, fighting off the treacherous NyQuil. I thought this stuff was supposed to be non-drowsy. She grumbled to herself.
"I brought you a special present." Kasumi noted, as she set the dinner down next to Akane's bed.
"What is it?"
Kasumi handed Akane a small wrapped present. "Open it up."
"A book?" Akane asked, as she open the present. She gave Kasumi a confused look. "It's in English."
"That's right, this is a special book. It was the book our mother used to read to me when I was sick, and today, I'm going to read it to you."
"Does it have any martial arts in it?
"Yes. Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles..."
"It doesn't sound too bad." Akane smiled sleepily, "I'll try and stay awake."
"Oh, my. That's very nice of you." Kasumi smiled back, and took the book from Akane. "You can eat while I read, okay?" Akane nodded and Kasumi opened the book, "The Princess Bride by S. Morganstern, Chapter 1."
KASUMI: Akane was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite past-times were running, practicing martial arts, and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Ranma. But she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
AKANE: You have got to be kidding.
KASUMI: Nothing gave Akane as much pleasure as ordering Ranma around.
The scene opens on a quaint little dojo-farm nestled in a wide green valley. Akane walks in from a run around the valley. Seeing Ranma working in the yard, she yells at him.
"Hentai, fix those holes in the dojo. I want to be able to practice in it by morning."
"You Are SO Uncute."
KASUMI: 'You Are SO Uncute' was all he ever said to her.
Akane walks up to a working Ranma. She holds out two empty pails for him.
"Baka, fill these with water... please?"
"You Are SO Uncute."
KASUMI: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'You are SO uncute,' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Akane and Ranma are standing in a kitchen. Akane looks at Ranma and then at a pitcher hanging overhead.
"Baka? fetch me that pitcher."
Ranma, taking the pitcher and whispering, "You are SO uncute..."
AKANE: Hey, wait a minute! Are you trying to trick me? Where's the martial arts? And why do those characters have our names?!
KASUMI: Wait, just wait. All would have been well, but Ranma was cursed and could not marry until it was lifted. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Akane.
AKANE: I don't believe this!
Akane and Ranma are standing on the road leading to the ocean. Ranma has a pack over his shoulder.
"You moron what if you don't come back?" Akane asked angrily.
(Enter the Inter-dimensional Mallet of Doom.)
"Look," Ranma answered, eying the mallet, "It's a guy thing, okay?"
"If you hadn't gotten cursed in the first place..."
"I said I'd come back. Relax, someone might actually think you like me..."
Then I'll help you leave!" Akane snapped, and the Mallet of Doom worked its magic and sent Ranma flying towards the sea.
"You are SO uncute!" Ranma called, and then impacted with the ground. He gets up and continues towards the sea, half-way down the path an old woman accidentally douses him with water from a ladle. Ranma sighs and adjusts her pack to compensate. She mutters a few choice words and continues walking.
KASUMI: Ranma didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Akane got the news that Ranma was murdered...
AKANE (interrupting): Murdered by pirates is good!
KASUMI (continuing): She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
"Ranma no Baka" Akane said sadly.
(to be continued...)