The RED team have a magical adventure through the lands of imagination!
I worked gruellingly day and night for a full half hour writing this. Ducks everywhere.
It was another boring day at Dustbowl. The rising sun peaked over the dry, old wood structures that was the RED base somewhere in New Mexico. Like skeletons sun-bleaching in the desert, the RED team were lying around outside in total boredom. Everyone but the marksmen Sniper and the demolitions expert Demoman, who were mysteriously nowhere to be found.
"Well gosh everybody! Look over there!" suddenly shouted Scout, pointing to something when it happened.
What looked like a woman with large, sparkling green eyes and long, bright red hair stood back straight, hands on her hips not too far away on top a wood platform. She was about sixteen to thirty years of age with yellow teeth dominating her obnoxious smile. Large zits covered ninety percent of her pasty face like someone glued raisins all over it. She wore a simple black shirt with a video game character on it and a pair of skin tight black jeans, exposing an unflattering muffin top. She wore no shoes. She's the manic gamer gurl of your nightmares! And watch out men! She's single! He- I mean she grinned as the group of men walked towards her in shunned awe like the Ark of the Covenant fell out of the sky. No one saw her walk in or teleport. It was like...magic.
"Hi!" she laughed. Her voice was high-pitched and shrill, "My name is Lexi! Come along with me on my wild adventure!" Lexis horrid laugh sounded worse than Amadeus with a cold. It sent a chilly chill down the RED team's spinal column. With another shrilly noise of glee that the Riddler himself would had been jealous of, Lexi hopped in the hot air balloon basket that was located conveniently behind her.
"Hold on one dang minute. Where in hokey-pokey Texas-land did you come from!?" Engineer, the stupid sounding yet smart one asked waving his robot hand called Gunslinger around.
"Why, I'm just the talented yet modest girl of the story! Come along if you like in my magical hot air device! It will be an adventure of a lifetime!"
"Swell! That's good enough for me! Let's go!" Scout hopped into the basket. Like most young men with a libido of a mature rhino, he was always ready for adventure.
"Huurghgheireopquvszr!" Pyro muffled voiced squealed with excitement. It too was also ready for adventure.
"Not me pardner. That contraption ain't lookin' safin.'"
"You can fix it when we land." Lexi replied.
"WJHHHhOOHEE! Okay." Engie hollered and hoe-downed in.
"Team field trips are NOT permitted during non-designated, non-battle missions, nor on any day of the week ending in 'y'." Soldier said with a professional air. He looked at how happy the Scout, the Pyro and the Engineer looked crouching in the basket and changed his mind.
"-Unless an authority figure is present. Which I am." Soldier popped a squat next to Engineer, his best friend.
"Give me one reason to accompany you on this journey." growled the Spy, a thin cigarette dangling from two fingers.
"In the bottom of the basket, there is a naked BLU Sniper and a un-watched Sentry gun." Lexi responded with a sing-song voice and a wink. She had this planned a week in advance.
Tossing the smoke away, Spy whispered in awe, "Mon deau."
And then he dived in, knife in one hand and a zapper in the other. Lexi blushed and giggled. Heavy gingerly squeezed himself inside the basket, squishing everyone all to one side.
"May I remind you, we have an important battle tomorrow we all have to prepare for. And Scout's blood needs cleaning." Medic cooed. He was also the smart one. Scout sank himself towards the depths of the balloon basket.
"Come along Doctor. We never get fun vacation." Heavy beamed.
"We had a space adventure just last yesterday doof!"
"Just be quiet and get in." Heavy growled, grabbing Medic by the scruff and pulling him into the crate filled to the brim with men. It was time to go!
"Next stop! The lands of fun and adventure!"
Lexi didn't have to sit with her willing passengers as she was stationed above in the balloon cockpit which was spacious and had a mini fridge. But in the basket below, was a different story.
"Solly, yer elbow is grating in mah neither-regions-"
"YOU LIKE IT!"
"What's that smell?"
"I have got you at last." purred the Spy into the BLU Snipers ear, "Wait. You are not BLU. Or naked."
"Course I'm not you blooming pansy!" The now clothed RED Sniper spat, batting away the amorous advances of the Spy's hands, "Someone wacked me ova' the head! Where are we?"
"Going to the lands of imagination Sniper! In a magic hot air weather balloon!" Heavy laughed as Medic gasped for breath from the giant's tight hug. The doctor waved his arms trying to break free but only tickling Heavy in the process.
"You better all not be chattering about my beauty in there. I'm not easy." Lexi said up above.
"Ugh...Fuck me..." Sniper muttered and face-palmed.
"Oooo" Spy seduced into Snipers other ear.
"Shut it Frog-face."
"Ehh... Wadda all doin' in here?" A groggy, Scottish-like voice was heard.
"Demoman, there you are! We thought you were left behind."
"Nah, I just thought I found a private place ta sleep. Move over will you lad?"
"Can't." Scout blurted.
"I said move."
"I'm already squeezed between kielbasa -muncher and kraut-blower! I got the basket grinding against my ass for christs sake!"
"We're here!" Lexis shrill voice shrilled again.
Before the RED team could tear each other apart, the basket toppled over and everyone rolled out onto soft, green grass. It took a moment to sink in the stunning beauty surrounding them.
The sky was bluer then the BLU logo, with fluffy white clouds that looked like candy cotton. The grass was softer then dewy moss found near the fountain of youth and greener then the GREEN logo.
Lexi somersaulted out of the basket.
"Here we are! The Lands of Imagination!"
"Oooooh...ahhhhhh." everyone said in unison, stunned in the beauty around them.
"In the north are the Rainbow Mountains! To your left are the Dream forests! Under us is the Meadows of Grass!"
"We ran outta names." she explained, although no-one cared or asked.
She continued, "Over there are the Pits of Orange Juice, along with the Murder-Parasite pond! And there is the Candy Grove!"
Slightly in front of them to their left, were dozens of bright coloured ,giant candy-canes, marzipan pebbles and other confectionary scattered around like something from a Willy Wonka drug trip. Pyro giggled and trotted like a happy king towards the general direction of the grove. He yanked a giant purple lollipop with a white stripe on it growing straight from the ground. With a sucking, gurgling noise, thick, black, gooey liquid oozed and bubbled from the hole it left behind. It pooled and bubbled around Pyro's boots like a toxic sludge.
"I uh, wouldn't touch those." Lexi said. She whispered into Pyro's ear hole, "The black stuffs death."
They began their expedition. The sun warmed the skin, the breeze from the Rita McNeil Memorial Lake was cool. They rolled in the grass for a bit, staring up into the endless blue sky. They guessed what type of gun ammunition types the clouds made. They licked the pink, fluffy asbestos growing from the silver boulders, and ooogled at the delicious looking plants. Lexi smiled as she watched the Team interact with one another, smiling and laughing. Even the local wildlife came along to see what the fuss was about. They stopped at the Cobble-Bread Bridge crossing a bright ocean blue river filled with pure white fish. The bridge overlooked the green rolling hills approaching the thick forests. A Unihorn frolicked in the fields beyond while a wild swarm of Zerg ravaged the skies above.
"Pretty as a picture that is." Sniper remarked, lighting up a cigarette.
"GASP!" Lexi gasped and punched the cigarette out of the Snipers mouth, causing him to fall to the ground. Spy laughed. Lexi stood over the man screeching.
"DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THESE CANCER-STICKS CAN AND WILL DO TO YOU?! DO YOU?! IT IS A GOOD THING I'M HERE TO SHOW YOU ALL HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES AND HOW TO LOVE AND TEAMWORK AND VERB! OR YOU'LL ALL DIE! Without me."
Soldier saluted her, although he didn't understand her shrilling. He just liked when people yell. As Sniper watched from the ground in terror, Lexi poured a jug of water over his errant pack of smokes and dusted her hands afterwards.
"You can thank me later" she said with a smugly, stuck up tone.
"Lemme at her! Just one punch!" Sniper hissed as he tried to attack Lexi from behind. But the Spy and the Demoman held him fast.
"Stop it! Stop fighting over me!" Lexi said angrily, "I am a VIRGIN!"
"Later mate." Demoman muttered in the Snipers ear like a cricket, "She's the o'lee one who knows how to git us back. Let her take us home first." Demoman's the voice of reason when he's not hammered.
Sniper released himself from their grasp, taking deep breaths. He ignored Lexi's horrid laugh at one of Scout's stupid comments. He face-palmed again and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Fine, olright. I'll be good. I'll let her live. And fondle me like that again Spy, an' I'll pound you to a inch of your life."
"Teehee" Spy tee-heed.
"That's not wot I meant- Fuck it." Sniper gave up as the Spy tenderly massaged his shoulders.
"Enough 'bout that. I'm hungry." Scout and Pyro whined. Even though Pyro was whining about something else.
Everyone agreed. Yes, it was lunchtime because Sniper's watch said so and everyone was getting hungry.
"My stomach feels like there are ants innit. Heavy, pass me a sandvich will ya." Demoman asked.
"Nyet, they are all gone"
Everyone stopped to gasp and stare at Heavy in horror, mouths agape. Fear in their eyes and faces pale, they grasped for their religious objects. Scout began to tremble.
"Heavy always has a sandvich. Heavy always has a sandvich" He repeated to himself, shaking as he hugged himself.
"Calm down son. I'm sure he does-" Engineer put a kind hand on the young man's shoulder to comfort him.
Scout slapped it away and hissed like a feral creature, "LIES! It's HER fault! SHE's doin' this to us! Get 'er!"
The Team advanced towards the witch, but she put up her hands in defence.
"Now settle down everyone. I'm a masterchef as well as a ballooner! -And singer, dancer, genius and a majour in geography! With a minor in E flat. I will create a meal for you!"
The men began assembling the spread for their picnic under a large gingerbread tree with peppermint leaves and salted caramel bark. As they spread the blanket, setting knifes, plates, knifes and more knifes, Lexi built up a little make-ship kitchen. She prepared the meal while the team waited patiently on the checker-red table cloth. A few moments later, she appeared with a tray of something steaming.
"Here you are! A hundred dollar meal made with provisions from the dollar store!" Lexi sang out, displaying what she made on the tray.
Everyone stared at the platter expecting beef wellington. But all they saw was what looked like a dead, bloated jellyfish in soap, half eaten by a Vancouver Island marmot. It was bulbous, gooey and green, black, red and purple. It floated in what looked like frothy, yellow jarate with bits of softened corn flakes swimming in it. It emitted somehow, brown steam and ashes. Sniper, who ate more than his share of odd animal couldn't recognize what it was. The Scout sputtered, even the American High school lunches he ate looked more nutritious then this. The toxic form started to wiggle and crawl off the plate on its own. The Soldier, who eats war rations from Napoleons own army looked disgusted. The Medic gagged and turned around.
"Thought you said you were a masterchef." Scout, who doesn't like being lied to, questioned angrily.
"I didn't say I was a good masterchef." Lexi responded sweetly.
"Couldn't we just eat those candy trees over there?" Medic's attention moved towards the BonBon trees and the giant purple lollipops.
"Nope, they are made out of cyanide."
"Oh."
"In fact, everything here is made from some sort of fatal constituent! MANN CO makes billions of dollars pillaging and reaping the land making their top of the line poisons and toxins! Not a single acre of sustainable life is left behind. See!"
They suddenly noticed the grey bellowing smoke emerging from the blackened chimneys away in the near distance. They belong to the massive MANN CO factories dotting the brown landscape from the Fields of Grass, emptying toxic black sludge into the Lake of Clear-Water. Acres of mud with rotting tree stumps and branches decorated the land. A parade of trucks and other construction equipment towed along with hundreds of fallen trees, plants and animals all entering the factories to be processed. The area went on for miles upon the dead earth. A Lorax somewhere shed a tear. However, the Soldier saluted the scene.
"THAT! Is what I call PROGRESS!" He told them.
So, despite being hungry, they kept going. Walking around aimlessly. Like a guided tour from Ben Stein at the box-making factory. Until Lexi made an odd noise like a moose finding a ghost prying through his telephone bills.
"OooOoOo"
Lexi suddenly clutched her stomach, then her neck, then her left knee.
"What's wrong now?" Spy rolled his eyes.
"I'm- I'm fine... Don't fuss. Just need- I'm perfectly fine-"
Lexi fainted to the ground, hand against her forehead. They gathered around her.
"Hey, Lexi fell."
They stared at her body until Heavy picked her up. They tried and tried but no one could wake her. One, then two started to panic. With Lexi out of commission, that would mean they couldn't return to the glorious lands of America! Medic examined her and finally came to a conclusion.
"Gentlemen, either Lexi is dead or- IN COMA!"
A organ noise played somewhere as thunder and lightning crashed above. Everyone was shocked, but not that shocked. They built her a glass coffin around her because the ground was in frost and they were too lazy to dig and it was easier to make Engineer do all the work. Besides, Medic wanted to study the effects of rotting.
"Is it just me gentlemen? Or has Lexi grown more attractive now then in the last few minutes or so?" Medic joked. Or was he...É
Everyone laughed because it was funny. But without Lexi to operate her magic hot air balloon, they were trapped. They found a nest of worms and sucked on those, while the Medic leaned on his chin dreamily staring into Lexis eyes. She looked like a out-of-water-fish. So, they did just what they did before Lexi came. Lie around, waiting for something to do. Expect Medic, who sat next to the coffin with a notebook daydreaming. So they sat around for a few hours... yeah. Lexi was right though, they couldn't live without her- Her hot ballooning abilities that is.
Meanwhile, about a hundred feet away behind them to their left, a rather obese, full armoured knight on top of his horse appeared from the Dream Forest.
"Oh my goodness horse. We have been walking around for hours! I hope I find a village soon. I need more rations." The Knight said, peeking into his food sack. He rummaged through it some more but it was still empty.
"'One week of food' my foot. This didn't even last one hour!" He remarked tossing the empty, stained sack over his shoulder.
The horse panted and sagged under his heavy master as it trudged along. The Knight took off his helmet and noticed a group of RED wearing misfits surrounding a glass coffin with what looked like a dead mannequin.
"Look over there horse! A gathering! Let's go say hello. Perhaps they have a quest."
Horse struggled to walk, but complied. Eventfully, (but slowly) they made their way to the RED team.
"Greetings dear fellows!"
The knight got off the horse. The horse collapsed.
"What happened here good sirs?" The Knight asked.
The RED team told the stranger in great length and detail their story. The stranger sat on the grassy ground in silence and pondered as they spoke. With a toss of his silky brown hair, he answered after the RED team finished.
"If you allow me, I can examine her." When he stood from the crater that materialized from under his vast bottom. "As you see, I am a good knight looking for good deeds. And I am a doctor-lawyer as well as a coma specialist."
"It's my part-time job" he explained as he approached the coffin.
"Oh!"
"That makes sense!"
He took off his round specs and peered at the 'females' face and frowned. He took her pulse, he poked her hair and stared at her chest. A few moments, he turned to the RED team and pointed his pointing finger in the air.
"It's a good thing I came just in time. What Lexi will need is a kiss from her one true love."
"Well, where are we going to find one at this hour?" Demoman raised his hands in a shrugging manner.
"Chances are, the last few people she spent time with will obviously be the one she loves."
"Well, that's all of us...pardner." Engie added, to remind everyone he was from the south.
"Allow me." Spy huskily husked, slightly loosening his tie and spraying cologne into his mouth.
The Spy gently puckered his lips and lightly braised them over Lexis chapped ones. Nothing happened. Spy looked depressed.
"You couldn't wake the dead if you tried!" Scout laughed obnoxiously, 'What this doll needs is a bit of 'Murican panache. Aka, little ole ME. Although there is nothing 'small' bout me if you know wadda I mean. Move over pal."
Scout shoved dainty Spy out of the way and leapt into the coffin to straddle Lexi. He made out with her face like she was his best gal. He unclipped her bra, massaged her tongue with his and slogged her until he almost suffocated. Still, Lexi refused to wake up for some reason.
Soldier stepped forward.
"What women need is not affection, respect and empathic partnership. They need ROARING! It's how Americans wooed the Mexicans! And it's how I will arouse Lexi from her unnatural coma-state!"
Soldier gave a mighty battle roar that was heard yards away. He roared and howled and yelled over the cold carcass until he ran out of voice. Lexi still didn't rouse from her rest. A fly buzzed over her grey skin and Heavy laughed out loud.
"I have large kiss enough from two giant men! I will try!"
Heavy almost swallowed her head. Lexi, whose head was wet from saliva, still was deep in sleep. Medic glowered from afar from the shadows.
The Knight pondered still, "Hmm. Well, we went through the best characters-"
"We haven't tried yet!" Demoman, Engineer, Medic, Sniper and Pyro said at once. Expect the Pyro sounded more like he was singing an aria from "Carmen"
"Yep, that's all of them." The stranger continued without listening, "Hold on! I could try!"
The Man with no Name went on one knee, his glove cupped the back of Lexi's head lifting it up just slightly. He tossed his luscious brunette locks with a wave of his hand. And in slow motion, the curls swirled and bounced over his shoulder. He bowed his head towards Lexis. His soft, tender lips inched towards hers until they connected. A spark ignited, fireworks erupted while a cosmic wind spun the couple into the air then gently back down again. There are three kisses recorded to be the best kisses ever recorded. This one wasn't even close to being six thousand and thirty-forth. It was enough to make Lexi wake. Although it made no sense whatsoever. She sat up.
"Hey guys! I'm alive now!"
Everyone cheered unenthusiastically. The stranger with difficulty, swung his arms under Lexi and removed her from her once final resting place. Her weight, as well as his own buckled his knees.
"Will- will you come *pant* with me-mil 'lady." Sweat poured down his face as he paced like a snail towards his horse.
"Yes! I will marry you!" Lexi squealed, hugging his thick neck as they mounted. Everyone ran to the horses side.
"Wait, then how will we get back?"
"The better-weather balloon knows. It will take you home if you ask it!"
"Wait, what about you?" Although they didn't care.
"I know all of you adore and love me and want me to go back with you and live like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves- If Snow White was a beautiful fairy queen and her dwarfs were her sex slave super models who look like Edward Cullen and wear crotch-less chaps. But my place is at Valve! With- Who are you again?"
"Ser Gabe Newell."
"With Gabe Knew-all at my side!"
The RED team waved, for many minutes as the horse and the couple rode off into the sunset. Until their arms got tired. Then they just waited until they couldn't see them anymore, which took a while. They went back to the air balloon. But because Scout and Spy insulted its smelly cushions, it refused to go anywhere. Even after they apologized. They were stuck in the barren Lands of Imagination and starved to death.
The End
Epilogue:
Since the publishing of this 'story', the Half Life 3 release date has been pushed back another decade. Valve time. Oh, how I enjoy the misery of others!