To Catch a Predator
A/N: With all the spoilers and LOLness going around regarding the Breaking Dawn epilogue, and Jacob imprinting on Edward and Bella's daughter, I wrote this fic for LOLs. This is not for Jacob bashing purposes, this is just for my amusement at coping over this all.
Edward relaxed in his cottage behind the Cullen mansion, where he, Bella and his infant daughter Nessie Cullen resided. Nessie was sleeping in the crook of his arm and Bella was taking a shower. They were going up to the house to visit the family later. They absolutely loved the baby.
"You are just loved by everyone aren't you?" Edward cooed bouncing the baby in his arms as the child woke up, demanding attention. He frowned at the thought, she was indeed loved by everyone. One person in particular he really wished would stay the hell away from his daughter.
He sighed and forced himself to calm down, because he could feel his face contorting in rage, and he didn't want to scare his beloved daughter.
He sighed and carefully pressed his cold lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss. "Let's watch some TV Nessie, mommy takes forever to take a shower. She still insists on having her human moments…"
The baby cooed and giggled in agreement as Edward clicked the TV on.
"And now, MSNBC returns to To Catch a Predator with your host Chris Hansen," the TV droned.
"Hmm.." Edward mused.
Jacob hoped into his rabbit, humming a jaunty little tune. He couldn't believe he was willingly going over to the bl—Edward's house. Twelve months ago, that seemed a laughable concept, that he would want to be anywhere near Edward, but—fate had a funny way of handing out karma and fate.
He had thought Bella crazy and somewhat cruel when she chose Edward over him, patting his arm with the promise that he'd imprint on somebody. He screamed at the gods that he had been taught to worship that Edward had prevailed again, by some twisted act of fate, he had impregnanted her with a child! Yes, Jacob had hated Edward Cullen, yet, karma had prevailed and though he scoffed at Bella's comments about how he'd imprint someday, he had, on her daughter!
He didn't think Edward's face could get any whiter than it had when Jacob just stared open mouthed at the infant, needless to say, Edward wasn't happy, the broken jaw Jacob had suffered as a result of the annoucment had proven that. As much as Jacob adored Bella and loved the baby to distraction, he wasn't looking forward to having Edward as a father in law one day.
He turned up the long driveway leading to the white mansion that housed his former enemies. He smelled the air, only two of them were there. It must be Bella and Edward, they knew he was coming over to visit Nessie today.
He parked the Jeep and came out of the car, heading towards the house, frowning that the front door was just wide open. Honestly, anyone could walk in and attack his Nessie!
"Bella? Edward?" Jacob called as he walked inside the house looking around nervously.
Bella peaked her head around the corner and smiled warmly at her best friend and personal sun. "Hey Jacob, c'mon in. I'll go get Nessie. I was giving her a bath. We'll be out shortly."
"Kay Bells," Jacob agreed amiably
"Oh Jacob…" Edward's voice called serenely with controlled calm. "Could you join me in the kitchen for a moment?"
Jacob frowned and turned to follow his least favorite of the vampires into the kitchen. He frowned, Edward wasn't there.
"Edward?" Jacob called.
"No, sorry, I'm not Edward." A man with a camera crew stepped out from a door where Edward had apparently retreated.
Jacob frowned, "who the hell are you?"
"Why don't you sit down? Right over there?" The mysterious man pointed to a chair. "Sit down, right over there."
It was weird, but Jacob felt the compulsive urge to sit all of a sudden, and sat, looking at the man with wide eyes.
"What are you doing here?" Mystery man asked Jacob, cocking his head to the side and studying him.
"I..I'm here to see Nessie…" Jacob stammered.
"I see..and how old us Nessie?"
"Three months…" Jacob frowned. Who was this guy, why was he willingly answering his questions?
"I see, and you think that you two are soul mates?" The man asked frowning.
"We are soul mates! But you have the wrong idea, it's not like you think!" Jacob gasped, outraged.
"Why don't you read the highlighted parts for me right here?" The man asked handing Jacob a photocopied copy of a letter he had written for Nessie to read one day when she was old enough to understand.
Jacob glared at the man, "Why don't you tell me who you are?"
"I'll get to that in a minute. Go ahead, read the highlighted passage please." The man said frowning again.
Jacob sighed and picked up the letter, "Nessie, you are the love of my life. I live and exist only for you my imprinted goddess of eternal night and maiden of mystic sunshine. I long for the days I can hold you in my arms and kiss your mouth--"
"Okay, that's enough. So, you're having those thoughts about a three month old child whom you believe you've imprinted on. It doesn't look good Jacob, it doesn't look good."
Jacob slammed his fist down on the table "are you going to tell me who you are now?!"
"Well Jacob, I'm Chris Hansen, and we are doing a show on werewolfs who imprint on infants. If there is anything you'd like to say, we'd love to hear it, if not, you're free to leave."
Jacob closed his eyes, forcing in deep lungfulls of air. Damn Edward to hell, his head screamed. He'd get him back for this later. For now, he needed to get out of here.
Jacob glared at Chris Hansen, flipping him and his camera crew the bird and exited out the door, grateful Bella and Nessie hadn't witnessed his humiliation.
"FREEZE SCUMBAG! FORKS POLICE DEPARTMENT"
Jacob grunted as Charlie tackled him to the ground, cuffing him in chains. He glared as he saw Edward from the second story, looking out of his old bedroom window with a smirk, wiggling his fingers in a mocking wave.
"Charlie—wha? I can explain!" Jacob wailed as Charlie shoved him in the back of the police cruiser. The only thing he could do was turn to glare out the window at Edward as he was driven off the Cullen property.
Edward came downstairs just as Bella entered the living room with a freshly bathed Nessie in her hands.
"Where's Jacob Edward? He was here a minute ago" Bella asked placing a tender kiss to her babies forehead.
"Oh, Jacob had an emergency he had to leave right away. I dunno when he'll be back. He said he was sorry, but he had urgent business to attend to."
Bella frowned, this didn't sound like Jacob, but she knew he wouldn't miss an opportunity to see the baby unless it was absolutely important.
"Oh, well…that's too bad…" Bella mumbled
"Ya…what a shame." Edward agreed hiding a smirk as he tenderly plucked Nessie out of Bella's arms and cradled her tenderly. "C'mon Nessie, let's go watch TV on Grandpa Carlisle's big screen TV. To Catch a Werewol—I mean Predator is on."
Bella frowned after Edward, shaking her head as she followed her husband and daughter out of the room.