"I'm sorry Max," Kate says. I've ran out of digits to count the amount of times she's said that. I suppose I could keep a tally count in my journal, but that seems a little mean spirited. I mean, I've been on the opposite side of this equation and know how hard it is to find the words to say. So it isn't Kate's fault she starts every lunch by telling me she's sorry.

"Its fine Kate, you don't have to apologize. These conversations are the only thing keeping me sane," I say and it's partially true. My lunches with Kate are the only thing I look forward to each day. I love seeing Kate, it reminds me of the best thing to come from the choice I made. I don't think I'm sane though. I wouldn't say I've gotten that far yet. Maybe when I can get through a day without crying I'll consider it.

"Still, I'm sorry Max," Kate says sincerely. "And I enjoy our lunches too." She gives me a small smile and I smile back.

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of Kate. Not many people have been able to put up with or even understand this new, broken Max. Actually, I think Kate is the only one who still bothers anymore. I mean, the others aren't being rude or anything, I've given them plenty of reasons to give up on me. Most of them just try to act like I'm not around. Except Kate. So I smile for her even though it's the last thing I want to do. I smile and hope she actually wants to be with me and I'm not just one of her charity cases.

"So", Kate begins as she steeps her tea. "When do you think you'll be coming back to class?" That's the question of the hour. It's on everyone's mind, including Principal Wells and my parents. I didn't really blame them, it's not their fault they're being insensitive, they just don't know better. To everyone else Chloe Price had been a punk, high school dropout who'd fallen in with a tough crowd and paid the ultimate price. And two weeks should be plenty of time to get over a girl I hadn't talked to in five years.

It didn't help that for a couple days I did go back to class. For a couple days I seemed like I was going to pull through. How could they understand that that Max hadn't been me? How could I explain that that Max hadn't seen Chloe die over and over again, had never found Rachel's body in a junkyard, had never gone to the dark room. She'd only lost an old friend to a tragic mistake.

Then I had to take back over and ruin everything. Unlike that Max, I know full well Chloe's death was not done by accident, but by design. My design. I murdered my best friend, the most important person to me in the whole world, and worst of all, I'd done it on purpose. Way to go Max. Sometimes I wish that other Max could have just stayed, that I could have faded away, and that Chloe and I could have left this world together. I think it would have been easier.

"I…know it's hard to understand Kate. But…I'm just not ready yet," I say, eyes fixed on my tea glass.

"Oh I totally understand!" Kate says quickly. She reaches across the table and gives my hand a squeeze. I give her another smile in thanks. "I was just thinking that some…distraction might be good for you. I know how bad things can get if you dwell on them too long." I nod because I understand what she's saying is good advice. She's been here. In this timeline she might not have tried to commit suicide, the arrest of Nathan and Mark Jefferson had made her video old news before the torments proved too much, but she'd still come very close. Now if only I could actually listen to her.

"Hopefully soon," I murmur and start sipping on my tea. Would Chloe have liked tea time with Kate? The thought bubbles up in my brain unbidden, like most of my thoughts about Chloe. Sure, she'd been jealous of Kate at first, but she'd come around quick when she learned what Kate had been through. I like to think she would have, though she'd probably call it hella lame the whole time. My smile grows just a little bit, almost turns genuine, but then my throat starts to go dry. Not good, time to abandon this thought train.

"So how are classes going?" I ask Kate.

"Well, I'm enjoying them, though we don't have a photography class at the moment. They're trying to find a replacement for next semester and I hope they do. I do miss it… despite everything."

"You're a brave person Kate." Braver than me.

"Have you been doing any photography since…"

"No, not yet. Haven't felt up to it." I actually have two instant cameras now. My camera wasn't destroyed in this timeline, and Joyce gave me William's when….well I leave both my cameras at my dorm these days. Unlike Kate, I can't leave the dark room behind yet.

"I'm sure you will soon. You love it too much to quit."

"I'm not too sure," I say quietly. Her face falls and I can tell she's trying to think of something to say so I push straight into a different topic. Deflect Max! "So how is your drawing going?" I ask. She stares at me for a moment and I'm afraid she isn't going to let it go, but thankfully she decides not to press the issue.

"It's going really well. It might seem strange, but after everything… I just feel like there's no time like the present. I'm working on a children's book right now," she says happily.

"That's so awesome Kate! You have to show it to me when you're done. Promise?"

"Of course Max. You'll be the first to see it."

Lunch with Kate over, I walk out onto the front lawn with the rest of Blackwell. Afternoon classes are about to begin, but everyone's milking the last bits of nice weather before winter takes over. One of them, I notice, is Warren. He's sitting on one of the side benches reading a book. I almost walk past him and head towards the dorms. He's so engrossed at the moment he wouldn't even notice me slip by. I stop. Kate said I needed distractions right? Might as well try to make some.

"Hey Max! Just finished one of your tea ceremonies with Kate-San?" Warren asks as I walk over towards his bench. I wave a greeting.

"Yeah, at this rate she's going to make me a tea aficionado. Though she sticks to the European side of tea Warren-Chan."

"Too bad, too bad, you should expand her horizons Mad Max."

"I don't know, I'm not into the green tea thing. I know, not very hipster of me."

"Its an acquired taste," he admits with a smile. An awkward moment passes as I struggle with what to say. I've talked to Warren maybe three times since the funeral despite his numerous attempts.

"So…" I begin lamely. "Did you want to watch a movie today? I'll let you pick." So much for a seguway.

"Ah, I can't tonight. Have a date with Brook," he says with an apologetic face. So much for distractions. What, he gets a girlfriend and suddenly he has to be with her every second? What about our friendship? I take a deep breath and calm myself. And how many times did you ditch Warren because you wanted to hang out with Chloe? Granted, I didn't do that to this Warren but I still think that qualifies as hypocritical.

It's probably better this way. I value Warren's friendship, he's done so much for me, more than he even realizes, but it's best that we have some space. I can still remember dream Warren's locker with its Max shrine all too well.

"Yeah, no problem Warren, tell Brook," I start but I'm interrupted by my phone tone. Warren glances at my pocket but I leave my phone where it's at. "It's probably just my parents," I say. "I think they're planning an intervention."

"Ah," Warren says awkwardly. "How are you doing Max? Honestly, you know you can talk to me."

"I'm fine Warren, I just need time," I say, which only makes him look more awkward. Time, the only thing I want and the only thing people don't want to give me.

"You know I could call Brook, let her know I'm gonna hang out with you tonight. If you really need someone she'd totally understand." I almost laugh at his face but hold it back. Brook would so totally not understand. Besides, I didn't need a pity party.

"That's how you end up single Warren. I'll be fine, enjoy your date," I say reassuringly.

"If you say so Max. If you need anything just send me a text, my offer still stands," he says. I think he even means it. No thanks Warren, I'm not breaking you up.

"Get to class, science nerd. You'll be late," I say which brings a smile to his face. Just fake it till you make it Max.

"I'll catch you later then," he says and I wave him off.

Well now my afternoon is wide open. Decisions, decisions. I don't feel like going back to my dorm just yet, that never seems to end well.

Max Caulfield, you should go to class.

Could, should, can't. I just can't bring myself to care. Everything I was ever passionate about has either been corrupted or taken from me.

I sigh and sit down on the lawn, leaning my back against a tree. People file across the lawn for a while, but the traffic thins out quickly as classes begin again. Soon the only sound besides the wind is the distant scrape of a skateboard on rails. At least I'm not the only person skipping today.

The sun's warm on my skin, but the wind is downright chilly. I pull my hoodie tighter around me as I start to shiver. Not too much longer and I'll have to bust out the winter gear. What would Chloe have looked like in the winter? I just can't imagine her in a winter coat.

Time passes as I stare up at the sky, my mind full of vague thoughts that threaten to tear at my sanity. Finally I shake my head to clear it all away and pull out my phone. Sure enough, the earlier text was from Mom. I open the message and scroll through the last couple responses. The old Max had replied to a couple, but since the funeral I've gone silent.

Mom

Honey, I heard about Chloe. I'm so sorry Max, I know how much you cherished your memories of her. We understand if you have to take a few days to process everything. Please give us a call, we're worried about you. We're going to try to make the funeral.

7:20pm 10-7-13

Max

Thanks Mom, this is all so surreal. I can't even understand what's going on. I finally saw Chloe again and now she's just gone. I promise I'll call later, I'm still dealing with the police right now. I love you Mom.

8:00pm 10-7-13

Mom

Sweetie, we are so sorry we can't make it to the funeral. You know how much we enjoyed Chloe when she was little. I'm sorry you two never got the chance to reconnect, I know you were looking forward to that. Sometimes terrible things happen for no reason. We'll always here if you need to talk about anything. Please tell Joyce that all of our thoughts go to her.

9:00am 10-10-13

Max

I'll tell her. Call you later.

10:05am 10-10-13

Mom

Max, its been awhile since we've heard from you. Your dad is going ballistic with worry. We'd love to hear your voice. I heard you haven't gone to class since the funeral. I know that this can be hard, so please give us a call Max. We love you always.

8:00am 10-13-17

Mom

Max, we don't pay your phone bill so you can ignore us. We only bother you because we're worried. If you don't want to go to class we understand, but please come home if that's the case. We're here for you.

9:00pm 10-14-13

Mom

Your dad is ready to drive to Arcadia Bay Max, you know how unhappy he'll be if it comes to that. Please get in contact with us. Principle Wells says you still haven't gone to class. If you miss much more you'll have to redo the semester, even with the circumstances. Honey, you don't even have to finish at Blackwell if it's too painful there. Your room is just how you left it.

8:15am 10-17-13

Mom

I just want you to know that we're hurting too sweetie. We understand. You can talk to us. We're coming down this weekend to pick you up. Please Max, call us before then. We just want to know you're okay.

1:00pm 10-21-13

My finger hovers over my keyboard as I try to think of something to say. I put the phone away without a reply. I know they don't deserve my silence. They're worried. But…what could I say to them? How could I even begin to explain what's wrong with me, just how damaged their little girl is?

They want me in Seattle, part of me wants to go. I've almost packed a dozen times. But in the end I can't leave Arcadia Bay. It's all I have left of her, the whole reason I don't have her anymore. How could I run back to Seattle and just pretend those five days never happened? It would be like one final betrayal.

I go back to staring at the sky. My eyes, my limbs, everything just feels so heavy. I can't move, can't think, can't anything. I just stare at the sky until my eyes finally surrender.

I always dream. The dreams are never good. At the worst of times they spiral into full on night terrors. At the best of times they're just full of grief. This is one of the better times. I don't remember the dream very well, another mercy. All I remember is the sound of crushing wind, the cold rain hammering into my very bones, and the feel of soft lips that taste like tears.

I wake up to the sound of people talking around me. The sun's moved down and classes must be out for the day because the lawn's full now. I nonchalantly wipe drool off my face and glance around, catching a couple people starring. Yeah, yeah catch a glimpse of the crazy girl before she goes to hide in her emo cave. I pick up my phone and check the time. It's been two hours. These afternoon naps are becoming far too commonplace. I should really try that sleeping at night thing that's all the rage these days. So far that wasn't going so well, though. I can't remember
the last time I've gotten even a solid six hours of sleep. Part of me just wants to say fuck it, roll back over, and try for some more sleep. Who cares what people say?

It won't work though, I'm up now and there's no way I'm falling back to sleep again. Besides, I'm just awake enough that this time I doubt my sleep will be so peaceful. Far too often they're filled with nightmares. Images of the dark room, Mark Jefferson, tornados, and Chloe's tear streaked face.

I get up, pick up my bag, and make my way towards the dorms. I actually packed my bag with all the books I could have used today, if I bothered to go to class. I guess some part of me thinks I really will make it, though I can't imagine where its optimism comes from.

I trudge across the lawn. I don't look up or around, my eyes perpetually downcast. One hand grips my other arm forming a protective barrier around me to keep everyone else away. I'm glad now that Warren turned down my invitation. My mood's going sour I can tell. Talking with Kate over tea each day seems to be as much socializing as I can stomach, an hour being the longest I can pretend to be a functional human being.

Around me people laugh and carry out their day and I can't help but feel a smoldering anger because for me this world is filled with nothing but grey and ash.

Ugh, emo much Max? At this rate you're going to have to buy a black journal and start dictating out dark and brooding poetry that only you'd understand. Just…let it go. It's better to feel nothing than feel like this.

I finally reach the entrance to the dormitory and climb the stairs to my hallway. No one is milling about here luckily, though I can hear a few people inside their rooms. Dana for one. Her door used to always be open, but now she has a habit of sneaking Trevor in so it remains fully closed most the time. I can't remember the last time I talked to her. I suppose I haven't tried very hard.

I head down to my room and pause at the dry erase board. It's filled with messages of encouragement from everyone in the hallway. Unlike with Kate, I feel like this time they are being sincere. I've thought about erasing it so many times, but that seemed like a too obvious cry for help. Still…it'd been days since they put it up and the dry erase messages were showing some wear. I raise my sleeve to wipe the board clean, pausing for a moment. Finally, I lower my hand and just leave the messages. If I erase it what would I even say? So much has happened, but I'm still the same girl I've always been. Empty and aimless. Without Chloe I'm not sure I can find the strength to change.

I walk into my room barely processing anything. I throw my bag onto my bed without a glance, it's been ages since I made it. The picture wall behind it was partially torn down, Polaroids strewn across the floor. I'd started tearing off pictures in a fit of rage after the funeral, but had given up halfway through. Clothes were piled everywhere. Can't remember the last time I'd made it to the washer. I try not to think about the mess that's starting to accumulate, nor the similarities between my room now and Kate's room during that fateful week. What was the point? I already know why they're similar, there's no point in analyzing it.

I walk over to Lisa, grabbing the bottle of water right beside her. Every other day, and I'm pretty sure I didn't water her yesterday. I'm not about to let her die now, the cost of keeping her alive was too high. My hand shakes as I tilt the water, but I don't spill so I ignore it. I cap the bottle and place it back on the desk. I stand there a moment, not looking out the window, or at Lisa, or really at anything at all. Just…standing there. It's almost like there's a presence in my room, a ghost stalking about. I turn to the right and see the box of Chloe's old things. It had been such a shock the first time I'd seen it. The old Max had gotten it from Joyce I know now. I also know she went through it because I'm wearing Chloe's spike bracelet. Then she'd left the box on the desk by my bed. I haven't gone through it. I have to, I know, I can't keep ignoring it. Every time I spot it it starts to tear me apart. I should at least put it away.

I turn towards the box. It was so so nice of Joyce to give it to me, all these little mementos of who Chloe was. I don't even know why she did, I didn't deserve it. To her, I'm nothing more than the girl who left her daughter five years ago, abandoned her when she needed a friend the most, and finally came back just in time to watch her die on a dirty bathroom floor. She actually told my at the funeral that she was grateful someone had been with her in the end, how messed up is that? My vision blurs as I stand there, unable to move any closer to the desk.

Damnit, no Max. You can't think about this. I can't…I can't feel this way anymore. I can't…I'm not strong enough…it's better not to feel anything.

But it's too late. A familiar feeling spreads through my chest as tears start streaming down my face. It's like someone reached their hands inside me and grabbed hold of my heart and throat. I can't cry, I can't even breathe. I'm not even sure I want to.

My knees give out and I collapse to the ground, silent tears raining down on the floor in front of me. My lungs start to burn. Finally my chest heaves violently, protesting the lack of air. I breathe deep and a powerful sob racks my whole body. I roll onto my side, cradling my legs against me.

I let everything out, everything that I'd kept bottled inside for the whole day. I hug my legs tight, but my body shakes and shivers with each pitiful sob. On some level I know I'm being far too loud. There's no way these paper thin walls are holding this in, the whole dormitory must know that Max Caulfield is sobbing her eyes out yet again. I can't stop it though. Part of me doesn't even want to. Part of me wants them to hear, to make them realize that Chloe Price is gone. She's gone so they can go on living their little lives. My tears are proof of that. I can't do anything else for her.

And Max Caulfield, don't you forget about me…

Never.

How could I ever forget? How could this feeling ever go away? I'm trying so hard, so fucking hard, but I always come back to this. I made a choice. It was the right choice. Rationally, I know that. It was the choice Chloe wanted, begged me to choose. It just wasn't the choice I could live with.

A/N: Whew, pretty depressing opening, sorry about that. Anyways, if you're reading this, seriously, thank you. This is my first and probably last fanfiction so I hope it reaches someone like the game reached me. I am a total fanfiction noob so any feedback is appreciated. Next chapter the angst train continues but I promise it's all going somewhere. Till next time friends.