Disclaimer: I do not own Megami Kouhosei. Yukiru Sugisaki does. If I did own it, it'd be finished by now, for chrissakes.

Warnings: This is a pissed off Garu fic. There is a LOT of swearing. A LOT. This is NOT A HAPPY FIC. Spoilers for Curriculum 08. The writing is kind of weird, but I tried to make it as true to the human thought process as possible. I'm rather proud of it. Sorry if it gets a little hard to understand at the end.

***

My head hurts.

No, I'm serious. It really fucking hurts. That doesn't really make sense though. I didn't do anything to make it hurt. Maybe it's just because the sedatives they gave me didn't work. That sounds sensible enough.

Geez, I'm gonna have a fucking goose egg. But then again, it's not like I'm going to be anywhere but my room and Eeva Leena. It's not like I have a life outside my service as a pilot or anything. I can't even get off this fucking ship (except for missions, but those don't count).

But I don't need a life. I need a friend.

No, I don't really need "a friend." I just need Ernest. Ernest would be better than a regular old "friend" any day. Ernest would be better than anything right now.

Ernest would also be better than being strapped down to a frickin' hospital bed for being pissed at all the machinery around here. It was too fucking cold, so I kicked the frickin' air thing, whatever it's called, because it wouldn't get any warmer when I messed with it. I accidentally busted it completely. They have to get a new one now.

So what? It's not like any of this shit actually works. Only for First, and that's because she's just creepy. I would be scared of her if I was some piece of shit appliance reject that doesn't work. She's a pilot. I'm a pilot. That stupid air thing should've been afraid of me too.

At least, I hope I'm a pilot. I mean, I've never had any doubts about it before, but now... It was all when that candidate brat fell into Eeva Leena that everything changed. She's been all fucked up since then. Well, it's not like she wasn't fucked up before. I mean, if you spend all your time living in a giant frickin' robot you're bound to be fucked up somehow, but the times when we truly synchronized I got glimpses of what was in her mind and it was fucking strange. All this destruction and chaos. No wonder she hides in a mecha.

Something smells funny...

Eeva Leena doesn't like me. Our connections are always cold and jittery, as if she fears the contact. She was the first one to abandon me. That's not how a pilot/goddess relationship is supposed to work, is it? None of the others have this problem. I don't remember hearing Rio say anything about Agui Keimeia getting all quiet and distant with HIM, and HE damn near broke her. I didn't do shit. I mean, a little knick here, a missed spitball there, but I generally keep Eeva Leena in top shape. Because, ya know, they work better that way. At least, that's how it's supposed to be.

But NO. My fucking Ingrid doesn't work. She's above working in a fucking team trying to save the last fucking planet. Maybe she talks to her other little Ingrid friends. La la la la la... Not gonna do shit because I'm a Goddess and I don't have to. I hate her sometimes. Right now I hate her all the time. I mean, what could she be afraid of? It's not like I'm just gonna up and turn into a frickin' Victim and blow her up from the inside. I like having things function properly. That means I don't get yelled at to clean them up later.

But Eeva Leena wouldn't yell at me. She'd just get silent. And that's worse. It's worse because sometimes I need to know what she's thinking so we can have mutual cooperation and kick some ass. She usually responded, and we did pretty well, but after that brat got in she just stopped. And at critical times too. I rushed in; because First was sitting there doing jack shit like she always does and the Victim was getting closer to Zion. We were sitting around like a bunch of frickin' bozos while what could've been the end of the world was going on, so I just broke formation. I knew I could take that sonuvabitch on. I've taken them out before, the stupid bastards. They're an easy kill. But then Eeva Leena just went silent. I couldn't really do anything, out of pure shock, and before I had the chance to set things straight, that motherfucking Victim decided it wanted Ingrid arm for lunch. I thought I was gonna die. Or at least lose my fucking arm. Not that it would matter if I lost it now... I think the restraints are starting to cut off blood flow.

Ernest fucking flipped. I mean, I could hear him screaming for me over the Comm line, and that I understood. But when he yelled, I could sense the fear in his voice. It scared me. I mean, he was my best friend and all, but I'd never heard -or felt- him that scared before. He was always the calm one. He was collected and tolerant, even when I was bitching at him over some stupid thing. First came and saved the day, like any creepy bitch Goddess pilot does, but she hadn't saved my bond with Eeva Leena. I summoned enough strength to help finally kill that bastard, but Eeva Leena did not help me. Not fully. First did most of it.

When we got back, I couldn't stop shaking. Eeva Leena was as quiet as ever, and I didn't know how to fix that. Ernest damn near had a heart attack, and it was all my fault. I felt like I had betrayed him. For all of my shit that he has to put up with, he should never have had to deal with something like that. He's the greatest guy I've ever met...

Fuck it. I keep crying. I mean, I somehow managed to control it during the funeral ceremony, but after that I just fucking lost it. I'm 17 years old. So was he. He's not supposed to be dead now. We're supposed to be still piloting happily together, or however we were before he died. He was my sanity in this frickin' loony bin. And he abandoned me. I couldn't do anything to save him.

His death was the most painful experience of my life. We were stuck in the middle of this huge swarm, and then he just took off for that stupid Victim. And he stayed there. He stuck with that thing till the end. I could just barely hear him crying out as he got tossed around, and then he spoke to me. We had this telepathic bond thing going on. It was something I treasure, now that I think about it, because it made me feel like I wasn't alone. He put as much strength as he could into getting this message out, not caring if the others sensed it this time. ~...love you.. Garu...~ And then there was silence. I started shaking, and called out to him, but there was no response. I hurried the fuck over there, not caring what could possibly happen. Eeva Leena didn't object much; she was concerned with saving Luhma Klein. A few Victims tried to get in my way, but I plowed the hell through them. I was gonna save Ernest... at least... I thought....

I will never forget the sight of that fucking Victim using Luhma Klein as a chew toy. I still vainly hoped that Ernest could survive, and tried to get a telepathic response from him, but there was nothing. And then it vanished. There was this hollow feeling inside, and I knew that he was really gone. I went ballistic. There was nothing else I could do. First finally showed up, and stopped me from blowing that whole fucking swarm to bits. She killed the fucker that got Ernest, but I could get rid of the rest of the fucking lot. Eeva Leena probably would've let me. She didn't seem like she was going to protest at all. But no, First used her goddamn EX to pull the ammunition. I couldn't fight anymore. She even bitched at me. The nerve...

Damnit, I'm shaking again. I want to kick or hit or punch something, but I'm all tied down. Stupid frickin' whiny-ass GIS staff. What the fuck does it matter that I break stuff? It wasn't working anyway. If it's not worth giving the time to fix, why bother with it at all? I mean, it's horrible that I break shit that doesn't work but it's A-fucking-OK that First can just sit on her ass and let a pilot die. She can let my best friend die, without having to compensate. She can walk around and creep shit out all she fucking wants, but I can't bust up a stupid frickin' air thing because I'm cold and it wont stop spewing out cold air. I can't help the shivering. Not anymore. They need to fix that.

What the FUCK is that smell!?

How can everyone be so calm about this?! Fuck! These restraints hurt. Why the fuck do I need to be restrained anyway? This place is a whole fucking loony bin. I can't trust anyone here. I used to be able to tell Leena everything, but where was she when Ernest died? When I needed her help the most? She was with TUNE. I mean, I have no problem with Tune - she didn't do anything bad to Ernest, but what about me? Was I just A-fucking-OK about the whole thing? Of course not! He was my best friend in the whole fucking universe. But he abandoned me. So did my repairer and my Goddess. Do I have the words "Go away" tattooed on my forehead?

Don't answer that.

Damnit, I'm a Goddess Pilot. My name alone should inspire awe and respect. And it doesn't. It's not like I'm fucking deaf or something. I hear all those stupid maintenance people talk shit about me when they think I'm not listening. I know they think I'm fucking crazy, or some stupid shit like that. I'm not... I'm really not. They think I'm stupid too. I'm not stupid. Rio is stupid. I'm not stupid. Okay, so I didn't notice that Ernest was in love with me. How the hell was I supposed to?

It's not like he said, "I love you Garu. Let's be together, forever." He would just smile and mumble about some silly pointless thing. If he had just gotten straight to the fucking point instead of dancing around it like some fucking wuss that he wasn't –I know he wasn't because it takes some fucking guts to go and kill yourself like that- maybe things could've changed. Who knows? Maybe, if he had said something about it, we'd be fucking each other's brains out right now. I mean, since when the hell did I care about gender?

God damnit, they need to get rid of that...

What the hell was I saying?

Once I get the fuck out of here, I'm going to complain about the containment rooms and their nasty fucking smells. At least they haven't thrown me into space yet. GOA would've tossed me into space by now.

Or maybe they don't want to throw me into space. Probably because I'm pissed off and don't give two shits about who the fuck knows it. Maybe Eeva Leena would finally decide to listen to me again. I mean, something should at least fucking work for me.

Didn't I say that already? I dunno. For some reason I feel sleepy. Really sleepy. Dunno why. I mean, I thought I rested after our last sortie, but, well... apparently not.

Yawn.

And I keep hearing about that stupid candidate brat. How great he's faring at GOA and what sorts of shit he's gotten into. Apparently there's some kid that doesn't seem to like him. I hope that kid kicks his ass. Serves him right for getting into my Goddess. I would love to see that little shit lose. He probably thinks he's all bad ass because he got into my Goddess. And apparently, Erts knows the brat.

...What was I saying again? Damn smell.

My hair is glowing. Neat.

EX Reaction? Why am I...? Something's not right.

I don't trust these people. I never have. I never will. Who are they again?

Who am I, for that matter? And why am I crying?

...stupid fucking smell...

Ernest...? Where are you when I need you?

Tears?

*********

Mwhahahahahaha! I finished it! Anyway, I blame that bit at the end on EX + tranquilzers. Poor thing. He needs a hug. Of course, I'm not about to be there when he wakes up from this mess. Gah, this took me forever!