Burn
Willow was searching for a particularly old spell book on the shelf when she noticed the silhouette against the billowing cream curtains. The shadow was illuminated by the bright orange burn of the Venice sunset.
The sight startled her; the gentle breeze on the curtains gave the illusion that the black figure was moving, whisp-like, into the room. It was just Buffy on the balcony, her body in blackness as the sun burned in front of her, but Willow could not mistake the long blonde hair and the way her hip was cocked to the right- as if permanently perched in fight mode, ready to spring.
Willow walked out to the balcony to see her friend. She slipped quietly through the curtains. Normally Buffy would stiffen, attuned to the slight ripples in the air around her, but she didn't move, her head was dipped slightly. She was focussing with wide eyes on the palm of her left hand, her eyes were pooled with tears, and some had started to spill over her cheeks, trails of fire reflected in the orange sunset.
'Buffy...' Willow hushed, taken aback by the rare sight of such raw emotion from her best friend.
Buffy snapped around suddenly to face her; she seemed not to notice the tears blurring her vision. She smiled weakly and looked down at her hand again.
'Buffy, what's wrong?'
Buffy shook her head, suddenly realising her tears, she brushed them away and looked back at the sun.
'Remembering' she said thickly.
Willow joined her fully, elbows leaning against the rails of the balcony, watching the burning ball dip below the busy skyline of the city.
'It's the colour' Buffy said, her eyes reflecting the glare 'sometimes I try to avoid looking; it just hurts too much when I see it. It's like this big... wave, a wave of memories and feelings that crash over me.
But how can you not look, ignoring a sun set is like walking past a gelato store without looking through the window'
Willow smiled at her, though she wasn't sure what she meant. Why would this colour affect her or remind her of anything. Willow couldn't think of a time that would be upsetting for her. Buffy saw her confusion, took a deep breath and furrowed her brow to explain.
'The Amulet, the one Spike wore, when it caught the light in the cavern it burned this bright, beautiful rust colour. If it was paint it would be Venetian Sunset'
She smiled sadly.
'It started to get really hot, and Spike began to burn up, he started to glow and burn with the Amulet. He kept telling me to run, to get out. But I couldn't leave him there like that'
She looked back down at her hand.
'I put my fingers in his and our palms pressed together and there was fire, and it burnt! But it wasn't just the heat from the Amulet it was us, what we had between us. This fire that could never be dampened but also couldn't be allowed to spread. It had to be contained, forever burning, getting hotter and more dangerous but never given a release. Spike carried that with him, it was a factor that caused the insanity when he won his soul. Sometimes I'm scared that he's caught between realms, just him and that burning fire. Maybe he's screaming for me there but no one can hear him- I can't hear him'
She brushed more tears away, the light was waning now, and the bright orange was turning pastel with streaks of mellow violet striping the sky.
'There are... so many dimensions Buffy' Willow whispered 'Just because Angel was trapped in a hell dimension doesn't mean Spike is. He sacrificed himself to save us in Sunnydale, surely he would be at some kind of peace for that' she tried to smile, show some comfort, but she was awash with guilt as she remembered Buffy's revelation that she was in heaven before Willow and the others ripped her back into this world, it seemed like a lifetime ago now.
'He went through so much to earn his soul' Buffy said 'and he had it for such a short time before he gave it up again... it's my fault' Willow shook her head but Buffy continued 'I know it, he would never have gone through those demon trials if not for me'
'No Buffy! You can't blame yourself Spike's choices'
Buffy looked her dead in the eyes and Willow was shocked to see that rare spark of vulnerability- a spark she had not seem since their early days together when Buffy discovered that she would die facing The Master. It scared Willow to see Buffy like this.
'Buffy?' she breathed.
'You don't... know?' Buffy asked. The sun was nearly gone now, and the fiery colour to her tears was fading fast. Willow shook her head, confused and panicked and scared.
'Spike... you don't know the reason why he went through those trials to get his soul?' asked Buffy incredulously.
Willow felt suddenly very stupid, what had she missed?
'To be a man for you' she answered. Buffy looked scared, wounded.
'Because of what he did... what he tried to do... to me' Buffy said, more tears, freshly falling over her wet face.
'Tried to do...?' The sun set as the realisation dawned on Willow, she felt sick, her stomach suddenly coiled and knotted like a nest of snakes.
'I thought Xander might have said... he was so... angry' Buffy looked back at her left hand, trying to hide her shame.
'Oh, Buffy' Willow cried softly, she wanted to pull her into a hug so strong it would squeeze all of the hurt and painful memories away, like drawing poison out of a sting, she wanted to, but she needed to know more first.
'Why did you never say... I'm your best friend'
Buffy smiled weakly 'there was just so much going on, Tara and your recovery and then The First- there just never seemed a right time, and then it got buried, and didn't seem relevant'
Willow couldn't wait; she grabbed Buffy and hugged her, wincing against Buffy's enveloping arms that cracked her ribs! Willow sucked it in and didn't complain... mainly because she had no breath to do so.
'I did love him' Buffy whispered 'He said that I didn't, but I did... I still do I guess'
'He was there for you in a way that the rest of us could never be- of course you had feelings for him, and you're not a bad person for loving him even after... what he tried to do to you. Love is complex; there are layers and obstacles that make it impossible to comprehend. One day you'll look out here and it won't hurt so much, I promise Buffy, it will never go away but it will get easier' Willow kissed Buffy's hair.
'Thanks Will' the two women stood still, watching the first stars beginning to wink into being in the darkening sky.
'Speaking of layers' Buffy said as she pulled out of Willows embrace 'do we have any Neapolitan?'
'Yes! I've hidden a tub from Xander-he only eats the chocolate!'
'Heathen!' Buffy scolded with a small smile.