Title: The Pottysey, a Harry Potter parody
Summary: Welcome to the product of a Classics obsessed mind. Since seeing the abomination that was Wolfgang Peterson's Troy, I've decided the public needs to be educated on what Actually Happened. However, since the Iliad is majorly dull, and I can't think about it without going into an hour long rant, I'm doing the Odyssey instead, which follows on. Enjoy. Or run away. Up to you really.
Warnings: Lots of people dying in fun ways, occasional bad language, and Book 5 spoiler, but not for ages yet.
Disclaimers: (General) Harry Potter by J K Rowling, The Odyssey by Homer, any direct quotes, as there no doubt will be, are from the translation by E V Rieu. (This chapter) Giant wooden badger reference and catapulting cows from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Filofaxes, unsurprisingly, from the Filofax company, 'I'm sure the film didn't last that long' refers to Troy, which managed to squish the ten year war into 3 weeks.
Real Story: Starts of with Homer's address to the Muse, the traditional way to start a story. Then we come in at the end of the Trojan War, which the Greeks have won. Reasons for the war are practically the only thing Peterson got right, Helen, wife of Menelaus, gets nicked by useless pretty boy Paris and Agamemnon uses it as an excuse to go conquer more of the world. Anyhoo, big wooden horse, they win, Helen comes back with Menelaus, who is most definitely not dead. Arguments between the Greeks, they get separated. Odysseus and his soldiers are all hyped up and go and attack the Cicones, probably allies of Troy, though it's not clear so they could be just random victims. Odysseus wants to leave, but the men want to stay and feast etc. Reinforcements arrive and kick the shit out of them. Odysseus loses 6 men from each ship. That'll learn ya. You would have thought.
A/N: This may be a collaboration at some point, but for the moment you only have me to blame. I should probably get on with it now shouldn't I?
..........................................................................................................................
'Tell me, Spirits, the story of that resourceful man who was driven to wander far and wide after he had sacked the holy...um...schoolgrounds of Durmstrang. He saw the cities of many people and he learnt their ways. He suffered great anguish in the skies in his struggles to preserve his life and bring his comrades home. Tell us this story, mysterious forces of the future, beginning at whatever point you will.'
Sybil Trelawny's voice grated in the ears of the other professors as, sceptic though they were, they crowded round the crystal ball to watch the progress of their golden child.
..........................................................................................................................
The mists cleared over the remains of the Durmstrang castle. Flames still licked the ruins as fur clad women wept the fate of the great war. Hermione had been returned to Britain and Victor Krum, shining star of the Bulgarian Quidditch team, lay mangled in the rubble, where all the could be seen were the remains of a giant wooden badger.
Cunning and resourceful Harry Potter of the clever stratagems, noble king of Little Whinging, husband of the respectable, if a little dull, Cho Chang, stood up to speak.
'Well that was fun. Anyone know how long we've been here?'
Dean fished his filofax out of his back pocket.
'Hmm, well to the nearest day or so, I think...erm...ten years.'
'Bloody hell!' Terry Boot stormed up to Dean and Harry, 'you're telling me we spent ten years getting Hermione back? She's not that great!'
'Well, I thought it was enjoyable.'
'You would Potter. You've been getting a kick out of this kind out thing since you were eleven.'
Justin looked up from his broomstick repairs with a confused expression on his face.
'Are you positive its been that long? I'm sure the film wasn't that long.'
'I think so. It might have been nine.'
'Well, that would explain the beard I guess.'
Malfoy sauntered up to them, his assorted Slytherins in tow. No one had ever been quite sure why they had participated in the war, not being great fans of Hermione to start with, but join them they did. Besides, they were actually quite good when it came to the frenzied bloodlust thing. Maybe that was why.
'I take it that's it then?'
'Hmm..? Oh. Yeah. We just need to sacrifice to the gods then we can go home.'
'Sacrifice to the...Potter, has it ever occurred to that miniscule little brain of yours that you don't believe in the gods? Why the hell would you sacrifice to something that doesn't exist?'
'Um...well...It's the right thing to do okay!'
Draco raised an eyebrow.
'Because it's the right thing to do.'
Harry looked hopeful and nodded.
'Think about who you're talking to Potter.'
Harry glanced around the group of Slytherins and...ah. Slytherins.
'Oh.'
'Yeah, well done genius. You can waste as much time as you want. We're going.'
..........................................................................................................................
It was true. Harry didn't believe in the gods, or had a sneaking suspicion that if they did exist, they were likely to be his professors at his old school anyway. However, the fact remained that sacrificing to some random nameless blob in the sky did leave a lot of food just begging to be eaten in a tasty, barbeque type fashion. No one else complained that day.
Harry lay back and burped loudly.
'I dunno what it is about barbeques, but they always make me wanna hit something. Anyone fancy doing Beauxbatons as well while we're at it?'
He took the general murmurs from the ranks as a yes and leapt on his broomstick.
'All right, lets go!'
..........................................................................................................................
Beauxbatons was surprisingly easy to bring to the ground in comparison. Since they hadn't stolen anyone, weren't guarding anything precious, and generally hadn't done anything wrong at all, they simply weren't prepared for the assault. Silly French buggers.
The wonderful scent of barbeque beef wafted through the air a second time, this time with a slightly continental accent. Harry Potter however, was restless. Like all great leaders, he didn't trust the French.
'Uh...you guys? I know this whole thing was my idea but, um, don't you think we should be leaving about n-'
There was a loud twang and a splat as a flying cow landed on Owen Cauldwell. The fact that the French reinforcements had only wiped out a random undeveloped character didn't seem to register in the brains of the soldiers, as they ran about in blind panic.
'Run away! Run away!'
Arrows flew everywhere as the brave and noble Hogwarts warriors tried to get back to their broomsticks.
'Yeah, well done Harry! Lead us into certain death again sometime why don't you!'
'We didn't do that badly did we?'
'We lost a quarter of our men!'
'Oh. Bollocks.'
Summary: Welcome to the product of a Classics obsessed mind. Since seeing the abomination that was Wolfgang Peterson's Troy, I've decided the public needs to be educated on what Actually Happened. However, since the Iliad is majorly dull, and I can't think about it without going into an hour long rant, I'm doing the Odyssey instead, which follows on. Enjoy. Or run away. Up to you really.
Warnings: Lots of people dying in fun ways, occasional bad language, and Book 5 spoiler, but not for ages yet.
Disclaimers: (General) Harry Potter by J K Rowling, The Odyssey by Homer, any direct quotes, as there no doubt will be, are from the translation by E V Rieu. (This chapter) Giant wooden badger reference and catapulting cows from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Filofaxes, unsurprisingly, from the Filofax company, 'I'm sure the film didn't last that long' refers to Troy, which managed to squish the ten year war into 3 weeks.
Real Story: Starts of with Homer's address to the Muse, the traditional way to start a story. Then we come in at the end of the Trojan War, which the Greeks have won. Reasons for the war are practically the only thing Peterson got right, Helen, wife of Menelaus, gets nicked by useless pretty boy Paris and Agamemnon uses it as an excuse to go conquer more of the world. Anyhoo, big wooden horse, they win, Helen comes back with Menelaus, who is most definitely not dead. Arguments between the Greeks, they get separated. Odysseus and his soldiers are all hyped up and go and attack the Cicones, probably allies of Troy, though it's not clear so they could be just random victims. Odysseus wants to leave, but the men want to stay and feast etc. Reinforcements arrive and kick the shit out of them. Odysseus loses 6 men from each ship. That'll learn ya. You would have thought.
A/N: This may be a collaboration at some point, but for the moment you only have me to blame. I should probably get on with it now shouldn't I?
..........................................................................................................................
'Tell me, Spirits, the story of that resourceful man who was driven to wander far and wide after he had sacked the holy...um...schoolgrounds of Durmstrang. He saw the cities of many people and he learnt their ways. He suffered great anguish in the skies in his struggles to preserve his life and bring his comrades home. Tell us this story, mysterious forces of the future, beginning at whatever point you will.'
Sybil Trelawny's voice grated in the ears of the other professors as, sceptic though they were, they crowded round the crystal ball to watch the progress of their golden child.
..........................................................................................................................
The mists cleared over the remains of the Durmstrang castle. Flames still licked the ruins as fur clad women wept the fate of the great war. Hermione had been returned to Britain and Victor Krum, shining star of the Bulgarian Quidditch team, lay mangled in the rubble, where all the could be seen were the remains of a giant wooden badger.
Cunning and resourceful Harry Potter of the clever stratagems, noble king of Little Whinging, husband of the respectable, if a little dull, Cho Chang, stood up to speak.
'Well that was fun. Anyone know how long we've been here?'
Dean fished his filofax out of his back pocket.
'Hmm, well to the nearest day or so, I think...erm...ten years.'
'Bloody hell!' Terry Boot stormed up to Dean and Harry, 'you're telling me we spent ten years getting Hermione back? She's not that great!'
'Well, I thought it was enjoyable.'
'You would Potter. You've been getting a kick out of this kind out thing since you were eleven.'
Justin looked up from his broomstick repairs with a confused expression on his face.
'Are you positive its been that long? I'm sure the film wasn't that long.'
'I think so. It might have been nine.'
'Well, that would explain the beard I guess.'
Malfoy sauntered up to them, his assorted Slytherins in tow. No one had ever been quite sure why they had participated in the war, not being great fans of Hermione to start with, but join them they did. Besides, they were actually quite good when it came to the frenzied bloodlust thing. Maybe that was why.
'I take it that's it then?'
'Hmm..? Oh. Yeah. We just need to sacrifice to the gods then we can go home.'
'Sacrifice to the...Potter, has it ever occurred to that miniscule little brain of yours that you don't believe in the gods? Why the hell would you sacrifice to something that doesn't exist?'
'Um...well...It's the right thing to do okay!'
Draco raised an eyebrow.
'Because it's the right thing to do.'
Harry looked hopeful and nodded.
'Think about who you're talking to Potter.'
Harry glanced around the group of Slytherins and...ah. Slytherins.
'Oh.'
'Yeah, well done genius. You can waste as much time as you want. We're going.'
..........................................................................................................................
It was true. Harry didn't believe in the gods, or had a sneaking suspicion that if they did exist, they were likely to be his professors at his old school anyway. However, the fact remained that sacrificing to some random nameless blob in the sky did leave a lot of food just begging to be eaten in a tasty, barbeque type fashion. No one else complained that day.
Harry lay back and burped loudly.
'I dunno what it is about barbeques, but they always make me wanna hit something. Anyone fancy doing Beauxbatons as well while we're at it?'
He took the general murmurs from the ranks as a yes and leapt on his broomstick.
'All right, lets go!'
..........................................................................................................................
Beauxbatons was surprisingly easy to bring to the ground in comparison. Since they hadn't stolen anyone, weren't guarding anything precious, and generally hadn't done anything wrong at all, they simply weren't prepared for the assault. Silly French buggers.
The wonderful scent of barbeque beef wafted through the air a second time, this time with a slightly continental accent. Harry Potter however, was restless. Like all great leaders, he didn't trust the French.
'Uh...you guys? I know this whole thing was my idea but, um, don't you think we should be leaving about n-'
There was a loud twang and a splat as a flying cow landed on Owen Cauldwell. The fact that the French reinforcements had only wiped out a random undeveloped character didn't seem to register in the brains of the soldiers, as they ran about in blind panic.
'Run away! Run away!'
Arrows flew everywhere as the brave and noble Hogwarts warriors tried to get back to their broomsticks.
'Yeah, well done Harry! Lead us into certain death again sometime why don't you!'
'We didn't do that badly did we?'
'We lost a quarter of our men!'
'Oh. Bollocks.'