What Am I Now?

by Invisible Sun

Disclaimer: Joss owns Spike. Unfortunately I don't.

Keywords: Spike POV, Angst

Spoilers: Post-Grave

Rating: PG

Summary: Spike's thoughts. Told ya I'd be writing another Post-Grave. Spike POV

You know, to be completely honest, I'm not sure what was going through my mind when I ran to Africa to get my soul. Who am I kidding? I know what it was.

Guilt.

That pesky human emotion that vampires aren't supposed to feel.

But I did. God, did I ever.

It was after I...I can't even say it. I remember telling her that despite all my 'evil-doings,' I don't hurt her. But I did. I turned right around and hurt her. Twice. With Anya and... you know. But am I that monster she kept telling me I was?

Before I left Sunnydale, I told Clem that chip that was shoved up my brain prevented me from being a monster. I don't know. Maybe it began to create a kind of conscience. Course, it didn't seem to be kicking in when I was trying to rape her.

Oh, God, I said it. Hearing those words fall from my lips makes it all the more real. What was I doing? Why did I do it? But at the same time, why didn't I? I was evil. That was what everyone told me. But I didn't feel like I was.

But now, with this soul... What am I? I tried to figure that one out too. With the chip I couldn't be a monster...but at the same time, the demon in me prevented me from being the man I so desperately wanted to be. I was nothing.

Is the soul the same? Am I still nothing with this soul? Now, I don't want...can't be the monster that a vampire should be. But I still can't be a man. A man doesn't have to drink pig's blood from the local butcher for breakfast. A man doesn't have to cower from the sun...from crosses...and stakes... A man can feel his heart beating in his chest. A man can breath in live-giving oxygen. A man is alive, not an undead shell.

Is that what I am? An undead shell of the man I used to be all those years ago? God, what am I now?

The End