RUNNING BARON IS EFFING HARD!
By Nardo T. Icarus
Disclaimer: Nardo owns nothing. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS!
Warning: Language ahead. Why the hell do you think I rated it M for?
A day in the life of the King of Baron begins just as every other day: waking up to a fucking loud rooster with a voice so deep it makes the late Barry White say, "whoa, baby" from the Great Beyond.
"We've got to do something about that rooster, Rosa. I swear to God."
"But honey, without him, you'd never wake up in the morning unless we called Wesley Crusher over here to talk about stuff you don't care about."
"Heh-heh. Yeah. At that point I'd make like Captain Picard and say, 'SHUT UP, WESLEY!' That's always good for a morning laugh." Just then, a servant knocked on the door to the Royal Bedroom.
"Your Majesties, breakfast will be served in 15 minutes," he said.
"Hell, yeah! That's what I call motivation," said the silver-haired King as he hopped out of the large bed, dressed in naught but his navy blue boxers.
After King Cecil and Queen Rosa were done getting dressed for breakfast, they met in the dining hall with the members – blood-related and non – of the extended family at Baron Castle: Kain, the White Mages, the Black Mages, the former members of the rock band known as the Black Mages, Kain, Cid, David Letterman, Cid's engineers, the RED and BLU Engineers from Team Fortress 2, Kain, Kain's lance, Kain's near constant indifferent expression, and all of Kain's other clones. However, the only one who was missing was…
"Ceodore, say goodbye to your WoW buddies and get your ass down here to eat breakfast," yelled the King.
"Five more minutes, Dad. We're having a guild meeting," said Prince Ceodore.
"We're having steak and eggs. You wouldn't want cold steak and eggs, would you? Well, unless you tell your guild members to GTFO, we're ALL gonna have cold s—KAIN NUMBER SEVEN, YOU PUT THAT GODDAMN FORK DOWN THIS INSTANT! Okay, uh, where was I," King Cecil regained his composure, "oh, yeah, um. Yeah, we're all gonna have cold steak and eggs unless you put WoW away and come down here and eat breakfast with us."
"What kind of eggs are we having?"
"Sunny side-up."
"Aw, fuck yeah! Screw guild meetings, sunny side-up eggs supersedes all things!"
After the Prince left a message saying 'brb sunny side up eggs!' on WoW and headed downstairs, the Extended Royal Family of Baron proceeded to eat steak and sunny side-up eggs.
The King was recalling events that happened roughly three days ago, "…and so I found a bucket – no – a cargo ship full of paint-edited pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog characters and I was like, 'damn, if you're gonna paint-edit a picture, at LEAST color within the lines,' because you see, they used the airbrush to color these in and you KNOW how blatantly the airbrush disregards the line art," there were a couple of chuckles among the crowd.
Kain (the real Kain, not one of the clones) got a slight glint in his eye, "by the way, we have mail."
King Cecil finished chewing a piece of steak and said with a bit of a growl, "how come I didn't get it," he cleared his throat.
"My bad, I got it like, right before the call to breakfast. I tried to give it to you, but you guys were changing so…"
The King's eyes went wide with disappointment, "ever hear of knocking? You could have at least slid it under the door."
"I'm sorry, okay? Don't get your ass in a knot."
"I'll tie your ass in a knot if you give me lip like that again, got it?"
"Okay. Look, I'll give it to you after breakfast, we cool?"
"Cool. In fact, no, just put it on my desk."
"Oh, and Cecil, just to remind you, that barbecue is coming up in about a week," said Queen Rosa.
"I know, honey, I got every calendar in the Kingdom marked. Thank you."
As breakfast ended Real!Kain handed Cecil the Royal Mail. "What, I can't wash up first," said the King in an annoyed tone.
"I'm…sorry, Cecil, I thought you already…"
"Just kidding, bro. Heh-heh. I already washed up, thank you," King Cecil walked to his Royal Office with the Royal Mail, which he would read while watching the 1993 Royal Rumble, which he had taped over 18 years ago and never watched (Professional Wrestling is the King's Royal Guilty Pleasure).
Eventually, having watch the Royal Tape and having read the Royal Mail (most of it Royal Junk Mail), King Cecil went to speak with his Queen about a particular letter that caught his attention.
"Hey, Rosa, get this: some TV company wants to do a reality TV show about us."
"Seriously?"
"Yep."
"What are they gonna call it, 'Baron Castle'? Or 'Cecil and Rosa Plus One'?"
"Hell if I know."
"So, are you gonna take up the offer?"
"What and troll the ever-living fuck out of them?"
"How do you troll a TV company with—oh, no. I see where you're getting at."
"Yeah, we can act weird when the cameras are rolling and go back to being ourselves when they stop."
"I don't know, Cecil. They might film us in our sleep for all we know. What, with the way reality TV is nowadays."
"Long lost are the glory days of reality TV."
"Yeah."
"Every time Wunderbar TV announces a new 'True Women of X Location' series, God butchers a ridiculously cute critter."
"Heh-heh."
And so, the day continues…
Author's Note: Hey, guys. How long has it been, a year and a half? Yeah. I was surfing the site today and decided to start another funny fanfic, because I was frickin' bored.
FUN FACT: Cecil's favorite MLB team is the Kansas City Royals.