Aveline closed the book and let out a huff of disgust. This latest installment of Hard in Hightown was even more ridiculous than the last. If Varric was determined to base his series on her guardsmen, he should at least try to get his facts straight.

Worse, in this volume he'd introduced a new character, one that could only be based on her. Normally, she would never be vain enough to assume, but she knew Varric. (Besides, naming her "Avelina" wasn't exactly subtle.) True, there were worse things than being immortalized in print as "the whip-cracking commander with the body of a gladiator and the heart of a lion", but she was a public figure and had to retain her dignity.

She'd offer him a deal: if he made the necessary changes, he'd get to keep his printing blocks. That seemed fair.

She reached for a sheet of paper and a quill. Best to make a list. Ambiguity never helped anyone in situations like this.

Varric,

If you insist on modeling the character of Guard-Captain after me (I know that's what you're doing; don't attempt to put me off with lies), you should be aware of some factual errors. In your next installment, make the following corrections:

1. A guard would never be assigned to that section of Lowtown alone at night. Guards always travel in pairs or groups.

2. Despite my family background, I have never done anything "Orlesian-style." If I were the sort of person who took bribes, which I am not, I would never accept "payment" in such a fashion.

3. I do not giggle, Varric, nor do I have "thighs that could crack walnuts". "Buns of steel", however, you may keep.

4. When I threatened to shove a canary up Hawke's coal mine, it was not intended in the manner in which it was apparently taken.

5. In chapter three, Guardsman Pike abandons his post after eating a lamb kebab from a stall. My guardsmen, even those with strong stomachs, know better than to eat street food in Lowtown. Please give them credit for some intelligence. It is too obviously a plot device.

6. If I were to catch a group of slavers taking children, it is unlikely that they would make it to prison.

7. I seriously doubt that a guard would go on patrol without smallclothes. The uniform leggings would chafe, even if they were "crotchless", as you so tastefully put it.

She lost track of time as she filled one sheet, then two. The text was rife with inaccuracies. Honestly, you'd think Varric had never even met a guard before.

"What are you working on, love?"

Aveline jumped at the sound of Donnic's voice behind her. How long had he been there? She quickly slid a piece of paper over the one she'd been writing on.

"Just...just patrol schedules," she said, attempting to hide her embarrassment.

He reached over her shoulder and gently moved the top piece of paper aside. "This doesn't look like any patrol schedule I've ever seen."

Aveline felt a mighty blush creep up her neck until her face was aflame. "You saw it?"

"Mmhmm. I agree with most of the corrections you've made, but this one...I'm not sure if it's physically possible. Perhaps we should test it for accuracy...Captain."

"That would be against regulations, Guardsman," Aveline said primly.

"I didn't mean to offend." He waggled his eyebrows. "If I broke a rule, perhaps we should discuss my punishment?"

"Yes." She tapped a finger against her chin and stared thoughtfully at the ceiling. "You are hereby removed from your regular patrols, and sentenced to spend the next week serving directly under the Guard-Captain."

Then the papers were swept aside, and the only sounds that could be heard were the rustle of clothes dropping to the floor and a few distinctly un-Aveline-like giggles.