Author's note: As my small but heartwarmingly supportive group of fans has probably noticed by now, I tend to write any idea I have outlines for, publish the first few chapters, and then lose my motivation. College work has probably played a big factor in it, as well as personal upheavals. All the same, I apologize to those fans of my past stories. With the christmas break done I may set to writing the incomplete ones again, although the conclusion of the IchiUlqui fight kinda makes the AU quality of "For Every Dream Shattered" hard for me to overcome. In the meantime, I ask all to tell me what they think of this, my latest in a long line of Bleach fanfiction concepts. (though this one doesn't feature Orihime at its center... I've been told I feature her as my lead character too often, anyway.)
Parody Sue fics are a dime a dozen, I know, but I just had to try my suspiciously faux-British heart a the trade at least once. Be sure to tell me what you think! It's much shorter than my average(the intro chapter is only about 1000 words on its own,) but it's mostly, as the title suggests, to introduce readers to the main character.
Gary Stu's Sex Adventures In the Seireitei
Chapter 1: Because what's the point of a story if you don't know the protagonist?
There are a lot of souls in the Seireitei. Oodles and boodles, such as it were. As such, it stands to reason that by sheer dumb luck alone there should be at least one who was so immensely superior to all others that the universe would bend before them. Such a person able to run the fastest, climb the highest, hit the hardest, and to basically excel at so many difficult tasks that he would immediately cause anyone who witnessed his mastery to wonder why they bothered have confidence in themselves at all.
These characters aren't entirely unheard of, though most tend toward the female persuasion, and typically limit their use of such godlike powers to making the certain boy of their dreams act terribly out of character, and altering the plot until it revolves about them. Still, the male equivalent does not want for its fair share of examples, although none before bore quite the incredible skill and prowess of the man whose exploits I chronicle for you this day.
The young shinigami known only as... Honto Nippon-jin
Yes, this was a rarity amongst shinigami... a once in a bad fiction genius. Born to rich and affluent parents, he made his mark in history while in the process of being born: strangling his inner hollow with his own umbilical chord whilst being pushed from the birth canal, and gaining his vizard powers. Unfortunately for him, however, his zanpaku-to manifested itself around this time, as well... as a mighty zweilhander... and his mother died of traumas most likely relating to attempting to give birth to a ninety-pound, double-edged longsword. His father, upon seeing the condition of his beloved, died of a broken heart on the spot, possibly helped along by the jealousy he must have felt to see such a perfect epitome of manliness in so pure a state. It was this event that he would remember for his entire life (of course he could remember his birth, can't you?) and it always provided the emotional fuel he might occasionally require to angst in a sexy fashion.
From there, his notoriety only expounded. By the time of "turn back the pendulum," he was a wise-crackin' three year old, feared by all. Even though he had not yet mastered shikai, he still possessed strength enough to appear at the confrontation between Urahara and Aizen, effortlessly curb stomp the former, and set his plans back for decades. When Ichigo Kurosaki finished his invasion of the Soul Society some time later, Honto was just a young lad of sixteen.
When the Bleach universe tried to interject that his aging so slowly despite so much time passing would create a paradox, Honto was quick to remind it of who he was, and logic quickly bowed before him, and simply bribed him not to interfere with the plot, lest Ichigo realize he wasn't really the main character. Honto accepted, and passed his years like a carefree loose-canon who lives to do his own thing. He mastered Shikai and Bankai at random, when he was bored and had an afternoon free, but didn't become a shinigami, since aloof, emotionally distant rebels are the kinds of characters most fanfic writers prefer to identify with. He raised his mighty sword (an instrument of phallic foreshadowing, I must warn, and not compensation.) and cut down all who stood against him.
Indeed it wasn't until he had reached this point, during those tender teenage years, that the first problem of his life occurred. He was perfect. Almost frustratingly so. He looked exactly like how you, the reader, would picture a perfect man looking, complete with that voice you imagine when you're asked to imagine how a perfect man sounds. His skin was pale, except in those occasions that the reader might prefer him tan, during which he quickly developed the melanin in his skin until he reached the perfect hue (if multiple readers saw him at the same time, he would choose his tone based on who the most appealing reader at the time was.) He even sparkled in the sunlight. Yes, he could so effortlessly obtain anything his heart desired... and because of this his life felt empty and meaningless.
...Then he hit puberty.
It turns out that the Bleach universe isn't a bad place to be if you happen to be a physically perfect and flawless example of epic manhood, as it has a variety of girls that one could not hope to find anywhere else. Few other places, even in the worlds of manga and anime, had female characters with such comically inflated assets, and while he wasn't a fan of that particular fetish, Honto had to admit that the sheer consistancy of it amongst the girls of bleach was a bit of a turn on.
While the female Mary-Sues of the world might content themselves with stealing the heart of that one special guy, killing his canonical girlfriend out of spite, and becoming the center of everything that ever happens from that point on, only a male could use such superpowers for that ultimate ambition: sharing a bed with as many different women as frequently as possible.
It would likely prove another trifling distracting from his mundane perfection, but as most who have experienced the deed will attest, time spent having sex is always better than time spent not, so it was still motivation enough to have him wake up one day and announce "I'm going to become a shinigami!"
So it was that he joined the Seireitei, preparing to embark on the least noble quest ever chronicled in fanfiction. He was allowed to pass with little conflict, since he's actually a surprisingly charming fellow, and after displaying his bankai (which had no form, and instead transformed into whatever would be perfectly suited to defeating the opponent he faced. This is a trend amongst all shinigami, however, and so none noticed it) he was appointed captain of ninth squad on the spot.
This brings the readers to the point where the story begins, and acquaints the reader with all they need to know about our hero beforehand. Fair warning to all who read onward: your gender will not save you from falling for this man. Nor will your sexual preferences. He is the quintessence of charm, and exists as much as a symbol for sexuality as he does for manliness. If the prospect of having your heart stolen by the most perfect being to ever be created frightens you, it may be best to turn back.