I don't own Red Dwarf, or characters etc... I also apologise for any spelling problems or inconsistencies or anything but I just wrote this short fic off the top of my head in an hour when I should have been doing French hw and I'm too tired to read it over and over. Better go do the last 1 and 1/2 questions now it's posted (I only allowed myself to start the fanfic coz the tipp-ex was taking ages to dry)
Anyway hope you like it and PLEASE review it ppl, i crave feedback
Death Of A Crewmate
Wibbly Wobbly Thing
Arnold J Rimmer was dead, he was a hologram, he was marooned in deep space, and he was smegged off. He was sat at the navigation console of Starbug 1, whilst Kryten the demented droid ironed clothes next to him in a pink frilly apron. Lister – the last human been alive was cutting his toenails with his teeth, and The Cat had put the ship on autopilot to admire himself, and his hand made black outfit with the peach smock in the mirror.
"Lister, do you have to do that here? It's disgusting." Rimmer threw Lister a disgusted look and turned away to check the outside scans.
"What's disgusting?" Lister asked as he spat out a toenail, and took a swig of larger, spilling some down his already grubby top.
"I'd give you a list, but it would stop me taking at least 3 of my daily naps." Cat replied as he pried himself away from the list
"Get outta town." Lister scoffed jokingly as he propped his feet up on the console.
"Hey, I could get out of this UNIVERSE and still be able to sense you!" Cat suddenly flicked off autopilot and sniffed around.
"Hey guys, getting something, not sure what it is."
"Could it be a punch in the mouth?" Lister asked as he put his socks on – much to everyone's relief.
"Cat's right sirs, I'm pinking up some kind of energy surge, could be a rift in space."
"Just great, we go out for a leisurely stroll down to the planet and absolutely nothing strange happens, I knew our luck wouldn't last long." Rimmer interjected.
"Luck? What luck? We're about as lucky as a rabbit." Lister replied as he started to scan his monitors carefully.
"How'd you work that out?" Rimmer asked as Kryten removed his apron and folded away the ironing board.
"Well those lucky rabbit's feet, they weren't very lucky for the rabbit!"
"Err buds, sorry to interrupt but the wibbly wobbly thing is going to hit us in 10 seconds."
"But sir, we're moving away from it."
"No Kryten, Cat's right, it's moving to hit us – BROWN ALERT!" Rimmer hollered as the wibbly wobbly mass of light passed through them.
"Hey guys, much up?" Holly asked as her head appeared on screen.
"Much up? MUCH UP? You're completely useless, IQ of 6000 my ass." Rimmer snorted as he flared his nostrils.
"Sirs, is everyone ok?" Kryten asked the two living members of the crew, but their bodies gave no answer.
"Listy?...Cat?" Rimmer whispered as Kryten rushed over to them.
"Their life signs are weak, must have been some kind of pirate booby trap, we must get them to Red Dwarf Medi-Bay now."
"Holly, try and make a clean landing, ok?" Rimmer asked as he knelt over the unconscious bodies of his crewmates.
"Huh!" Holly scoffed as she disappeared from screen.
Death
"Sir, we're losing him." Kryten moaned as he tried to save the lifeless body in front of him, his lifeline was almost gone and Kryten didn't know what to do, he had saved the other crew member, but the one lying in front of him was too far gone.
"Kryten what do we do, he may be a goit, but we can't let him die."
"We can boot up a hologram of him, using that energy saving way Holly told me about when there were two of you sir." Kryten explained as he scooped up the limp body.
"Don't remind me – just get on with it." Rimmer answered as they raced to the holodeck.
Once there they placed the electrons on the patient's head and uploaded his memory onto the computer, they then rushed to a Stasis Booth, with Kryten performing mouth to mouth on the way. They reached the booth and placed him in.
"Holly. Activate stasis field." Kryten commanded his voice shaking
"It's activated, anything else? A chat would be nice." Holly began to drone, but stopped as she realised the other two had ran off again. She sighed to herself, and went to have a natter with the scutters.
The stable member of the crew slowly opened his eyes and groaned. "What happened? All I remember is –" He stopped and stared as his best friend entered the Medi-Bay wearing the same as he had been earlier, but he had a H on his forehead. He looked from Rimmer to the Cat and realised what Kryten had done, but still couldn't stop letting out a sob, he'd said he would protect him, and he'd let him get smegging killed.
"Hey guys, I don't know what that was, but it's completely messed up my senses, I mean – Hey? What are you all looking at me like that for?" Cat asked as the others continued to stare. "My suit ain't torn is it? I didn't think the light did anything. I just woke up in the cockpit and Holly said you lot had smegged off up here. Is monkey injured?"
"Erm well, maybe you would like a mirror sir?" Kryten asked, thinking that his database wasn't covered to deal with situations like this.
"Well I got one right here bud… IT'S GONE!" Cat started to moan and prowl the room.
"It's not gone Cat." Lister whispered.
"But it is, it is." Cat whined softly.
"You are."
"It is, it – I'M WHAT?" Don't talk smeg, Cat cried as he went over to a metal table, I'm not gone, I'm right here, I… LOOK LIKE CAPTAIN SMEGGING EMERALD!" Cat hollered as he fingered the H on his forehead.
"No you don't, I wouldn't be seen dead in clothes like that." Rimmer interjected, grimacing at his own terrible pun.
"But what – HOW!" Cat moaned as he collapsed onto the floor, not seeming to care anymore as the hologramatic material of his suit rucked up and creased.
"I think I know sirs. I believe that the light was some kind of warning beam that was meant to immobilise – but not kill human trespassers so those who created the light could beam on board to see if they were in danger. There is of course no longer a base, but the protective system obviously remains intact.
"But how did it…you know?" Lister asked groggily as he collapsed onto the floor next to Cat feeling completely helpless.
"It's trained to also destroy alien life forms and bacteria – to prevent infection from somat deadly – or a visit from GELFs or whoever." Holly answered, feeling smug.
"Yes, and as Mr Cat is not technically human…" He trailed off and looked at the floor.
"Hang on – how did you know that? Rimmer challenged Holly.
"I'm not completely senile you know." She replied haughtily.
"You coulda fooled me." He muttered.
"Kryten, how long can both holo…Rimmer and Cat be sustained?" Lister corrected himself, not wanting to upset the devastated feline even more.
"At the moment, indefinitely sir."
"Great, just great, now I'm stuck for eternity with Alphabet Head." Cat wailed, wishing he could rip the H from his forehead.
Reflection
A few hours later and Lister was propped up on his bunks reading one of Kochanski's women's magazines, while Cat was laid on Rimmer's bunk staring into space.
"You aren't really dead though, not like Rimmer." Lister voiced after a while.
"Don't bud, the second I take one breathe of stale mouldy ship air, the immobilisy thing will make me deader than split flairs with zipped pockets. I'm gone, and I do anything. I can't." Cat started to fiddle with the H again, but of course it stayed there glued to the spot.
"We'll find a way." The words sounded so hollow even as Lister said them.
"Yeah right, I'll never be able to smell, sense, eat, feel, make clothes – do ANYTHING again, I mean just HOW am I supposed to have sex with a woman now?"
"I'm sorry man."
"I'm even starting to feel sorry for Alphabet Head, been dead and all – doesn't stop me loathing every bit of him though.
Silence descended for a bit then Lister eventually spoke again.
"You think aliens really do exist?"
"Why should I care?"
"Well the beam thing thought you were one even though you're race came from Earth, maybe Rimmer is right and there are six breasted aliens in the universe – don't tell him I said so though." As Lister finished speaking Cat moaned again and muttered something.
"What?"
"The smeghead is right, our females have six breasts, god he's gonna start calling me a smegging quagaar." Cat groaned and curled up in a ball. It was now Lister's turn to stare into space, as he let Cat's species information sink in.
He was brought back to reality as Kryten and Rimmer entered. "We have an idea sirs – to stop the humans from actually dieing a small amount of antibodies are placed inside the human as the light passes, you should still have them in your blood stream sir, and if we inject some of them into Cat's body, he should be cured – as long as we inject the antibodies as soon as we release the stasis mechanism.
"Brutal! Cat, what you think?"
"Just do it, for the sake of my sanity – and my suits."
"Right, let's go."
Life
Rimmer, Lister, Kryten and Cat all stood outside the stasis booth holding Cat's real body, Cat stared at himself in horror.
"Ready sirs" Kryten stated as he pulled out a needle from Lister's arm, Lister bit his bottom lip and stamped his foot to prevent tears.
"Wait." Came Cat's voice. "If it works… I don't want to know I died, turn me off… don't delete me, but don't tell me about… me."
"That has got to be the biggest pile of rubbish you've ever said." Rimmer observed. "But it also makes the most sense." He continued. "I would say the same thing."
"Holly… Turn me off… Please." Cat whispered, and he disappeared, Lister caught his light bee and gently put it inside his deer hunter for safe keeping.
"Holly, release stasis booth NOW!" Kryten yelled, plunging into the booth and injecting the Cat the second the door opened, Cat screamed in pain and fainted. Kryten ran a Psi-Scan on him. "He should be ok, but we need to take him to the Medi-Bay for observation." Lister bent down and picked up Cat's body as Kryten said this, handing his hat and Cat's lightbee over to Kryten to look after.
"What do we tell him?" Rimmer asked as Kryten stopped at their quarters, and on Lister's orders, placed the lightbee in a small box which was then hesitantly put in the bottom of Lister's laundry basket.
"We'll say it left him out cold for a bit, that's all." Lister replied as he continued to carry Cat down the corridor, when they reached the Medi-Bay bed, Lister gently laid Cat down and just for a moment, gently traced his finger over Cat's forehead where the H nearly had been for all eternity.