Hi everyone! This is my first West Wing fic and I'd really appreciate your feedback (preferably constructive).

Pairing: CJ/Josh

Rating: M for strong language and sex

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these guys. But if I ever find a magic lamp, that's my first wish.

Spoilers: Season two and early season three

Note: This story is set between the events of 17 People in Season 2 to Ways and Means in Season 3. Basically I was thinking about what happened when Josh found out, and how the tension might have built as each staffer found out at different times. CJ is my favourite character and I'm a CJ/Toby and CJ/Danny shipper as well, but I believe a few people have pointed out the guilty pleasure that can be had from shipping CJ/Josh, and that's where I'm coming from.

Also thanks to my amazing beta CJ.T!

-~-

He couldn't say anything. His whole body felt numb. It was like one of those nightmares where you open your mouth to scream but nothing comes out. Where you know something bad is happening but you can't quite believe it.

"Josh?" said Leo, looking concerned. Josh managed to pry his eyes off the Presidential seal in the carpet of the Oval Office and meet the eyes of his boss on the opposite couch next to the President. Josh swallowed hard and then nodded slowly.

"Yeah, okay," he said, trying to sound more together than he felt.

"Josh, you know why I didn't tell you earlier," said President Bartlet with a caring voice.

"Yeah, it's fine." Josh was still nodding, a little too much. He stopped his head and looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap, knuckles turning white from gripping. He hadn't realized he'd been doing that. He forced himself to put his hands down at his side. He swallowed again. "So who else knows? I mean in the West Wing?"

"Toby, Charlie, Oliver Babish. The First Lady, of course," Leo outlined.

"Not CJ or Sam?" Josh didn't like the sound of this. He could lie to opponents any day of the week but lying to his friends wasn't his strongest point. Not on things like this.

"We need their heads in the game," said Leo, "but they'll know soon."

So many things were running through Josh's mind. He didn't know whether he was angrier at the President for lying or at himself for not figuring it out so they might have had a chance to salvage something from this administration. And then all he could think about was how CJ was going to take it. He stood abruptly.

"I guess you'll want me to go meet with Babish now?" Leo nodded.

"Sure. I'll see you later for the meeting at five." They both looked to the President for his okay.

"Go ahead," said President Bartlet quietly. As Josh made his way to the door, Leo added, "Josh. I know we can trust you not to talk about this to CJ or Sam yet." Josh turned.

"Yeah, sure," he said. They could count on him, but he wasn't going to like hiding it.

-~-

Instead of going straight to see the White House counsel he went back to his office. On the way he smacked into CJ coming out of her office, scattering her files everywhere.

"Josh, watch where you're going!" she said, bending down to pick up her papers. Normally he would've made a smug remark or at least helped her pick up her things, but he just stood there, staring at something. CJ stood and looked into his eyes, tilting her head slightly to one side, concern evident on her face.

"Josh? Is everything ok?" Her voice made him snap out of it.

"Yeah. Sorry about that, Ceej," he replied, but her look of concern didn't go away.

"Sure. We'll if you need anything let me know," she said. Her worry only made him feel worse. She probably thought he was going crazy again. As if he didn't feel bad enough about the whole situation and not being able to tell her, he'd given her added stress at a time he was sure she really didn't need it.

He made it back to his office quietly and closed the door before Donna could come in and start up some policy argument. He didn't think he could take anything like that right now.

CJ, he said her name under his breath, silently cursing himself and the situation he was in.

His mind flashed to two nights earlier when he'd gone to give her a summary of a new bill that was about to come forward. There was hardly anyone left in the building at eleven-thirty and the hallways were dark as he made his way to her office. Inside she was sitting at her desk, reading something, lit only by the desk lamp. He stuck his head in the door.

"CJ?" he said quietly. She looked up, startled, and raised a hand to quickly wipe her cheek. It was dark but Josh thought she had been crying.

"Josh," she said, clearly trying hard to sound normal, "I thought you'd gone." He'd been close to this woman nearly every day for over two years now and he couldn't remember having seen her cry. The surprise he felt at the sight was quickly surpassed by the aching in his heart seeing her in pain.

"No, I was putting together this report for you for tomorrow morning," he said, stepping close to the side of her desk. She quickly closed what it was that she had been reading – a newspaper. "CJ, are you okay?" he asked. She shoved the paper under a file folder, but not before Josh saw it was the Washington Post.

"Yeah," she said lightly. She turned to face him and stood up, her eyes evasive. "Just about to head home but I guess I'd better look at your summary. Have a good night," she said pointedly but Josh didn't move. She was so close he noticed her scent, clean like fresh laundry. He'd never noticed before. He hadn't been paying attention.

"You should go home if you're tired. It can wait until tomorrow, Ceej," he said softly.

"Sure. That's a good idea," she said. She turned back to her desk and began piling up some files. She grabbed her briefcase from the floor beside her desk and started packing up. Josh put a hand on her shoulder, somehow knowing he couldn't leave her feeling upset. The touch made her freeze. She shut her eyes, willing herself not to lose control. She didn't need him feeling sorry for her.

"CJ? Are you sure you're ok?" She took a deep breath regaining her composure, she shook his hand off and gave him an exasperated look.

"Yes, Josh. I'm tired, okay? I know this is sometimes hard for people in this building to believe but apparently human beings occasionally need more than four hours sleep a night. I've also heard some conspiracy theorists say that sleeping on the office couch is not a great long-term plan," she replied, voice full of sarcasm. Well, he thought, at least that sounds more like the usual CJ. He feigned a frown.

"I'm not sure I buy into that new-age stuff," he said, finally turning to go, "Have a good night. I'm here if you need anything."

"You too," she said. As he was stepping out into the hall he heard her add, "Josh? Thanks."

When he was getting ready to leave a half-hour later he went back and saw she had gone. He turned on her office light and saw the corner of the newspaper sticking out from under the file folder. Josh felt only a flickering of guilt before he decided to look at the paper. He didn't understand what could've made CJ upset. Maybe Danny had written something unflattering about the administration and she'd overreacted because she was tired, he thought.

It didn't take long to figure out what the real problem was. The front cover featured a story about riots caused by striking workers in France. It was written by Danny Concannon. Josh knew there was no way he'd be filing stories from Paris unless he'd been transferred off the White House beat, or if he'd asked for the transfer himself. He knew Danny had been in to CJ and he thought he knew why it hadn't gone anywhere, but maybe CJ had more feelings for Danny than he realized. Thinking about this, Josh felt a sort of pang a little bit like jealousy, but he tried to shake it off. No question, CJ was still one of the toughest women he knew, but part of him still wanted to kick Danny's ass.

"Josh, you must be overtired, my man," he said to himself. But lying in his bed that night he couldn't sleep. Old thoughts came into his head, thoughts he'd first had when he'd met CJ on the campaign. Images of her in his bed, those amazing legs wrapped around his waist, images he'd put out of his mind because CJ had always seemed like she didn't need anyone, definitely not some guy like him, spending his off time preoccupied with juvenile fantasies.

The next afternoon he ran into Sam on the way to the Roosevelt Room.

"Hey, Josh. You look like crap today. Late night?" Sam asked as they walked.

"Yeah. I left around twelve." He couldn't resist getting Sam's take on the situation with Danny. "So I understand CJ's pretty upset about Danny Concannon leaving," he added. Sam looked surprised.

"Didn't she pass on him when she had the chance?"

"Yeah, but I saw her last night and she was pretty upset about it." Sam shrugged.

"Huh." was his only comment. Josh continued.

"It's just I feel like an idiot for thinking because she was so tough that she never needed anyone," he said.

"Did you give her my talking points with the summary of the bill you did?" Sam asked.

"Yes," Josh answered and then continued, "So I've decided I'm going to be there when she needs someone," he declared. Sam stopped and looked at him suspiciously.

"Be there how?" he asked. Josh rolled his eyes.

"As a friend. The President was there for Leo. Leo's there for me. I'm gonna be there for CJ," he announced and began walking again. Sam followed.

"Wait, I thought you were there for me," Sam said with a deadpan expression on his face. Josh shook his head.

"No, you get Toby. I'm sure Leo could get you a copy of the flowchart."

"CJ gets you and I get stuck with Toby? Why do I get Toby?"

"Your offices are next door to each other," Josh answered matter-of-factly. Sam shrugged.

"Oh. Well that makes sense."

-~-

Well there goes that plan, he thought. But the guilt didn't go away. And through the unpleasant meeting with Babish and the looks Leo gave him when they passed in the hall, other feelings began to crop up. He worried about losing his job, about all of them losing their jobs. Most of all he worried that all the hard work they'd put in was going to be for nothing. No one would remember the gun control bill, their handling of Kashmir. All people would remember when they talked about the Presidency of Josiah Bartlet would be that he lied about his MS to get elected.

All that work.

Back in his office Josh tried to concentrate on doing some research before his meeting with Justice Department reps over the continuing tobacco industry lawsuit, but he couldn't focus. Donna stopped in to ask if he wanted a sandwich, but he couldn't even imagine eating right now. Then around six, Sam poked his head in the door.

"A couple of us were going to grab some drinks. You gonna come?" Josh knew he wasn't getting any work done and the idea of drinking himself into oblivion was pretty appealing.

"Sure. Who's going?"

"Me, Charlie and Ainsley, and CJ said she'd stop by after her event."

Great, Josh thought, I'm going to be the only one there who knows. But he stood up and pulled on his coat.

-~-

He could feel himself becoming stupider with each passing drink. Ainsley, still on her second glass of wine, was watching him and Sam argue about something from across the table, an amused look on her face. Charlie was nursing his third beer and watching a closed-captioned hockey game on the wall opposite.

"But you have to agree that urban planning plays a big role," he was saying, speaking at the top of his voice to be heard over the music in the bar.

"Sure, but only because it's a reflection of bigger attitudes," Sam threw back at him.

"Well, yes," Josh said. There was a pause as Josh tried to make sense of his thoughts.

"So you agree with me?" Sam asked. Another pause. Josh couldn't remember what he'd been arguing about. Just then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hi everyone," said CJ, "Is there room for one more?" Sam pulled up a chair between him and Josh and CJ took off her coat and the black wrap underneath, revealing a cocktail-length red dress with a low, square neckline and a string of red beads that highlighted her collar bone. Josh's breath caught and he was too drunk to stop himself from looking her up and down, from her shining eyes to her stunning legs. She smiled smugly and sat down slowly, enjoying his reaction. Then she turned to Ainsley, "Did I miss a classic Josh and Sam drunken matchup?" Ainsley grinned.

"They started arguing about whether midwives should be publicly funded and somehow ended up on the causes of racial housing segregation." CJ looked over at Josh, who was still looking at her.

"Do I have something in my teeth?" she asked.

"Huh? No, it's just..." how to answer without sounding like an idiot? "CJ, what kind of event were you at tonight?"

"A wine and cheese party for representatives of the BBC," she grinned, enjoying how she'd made Josh so flustered. She flagged down the waitress. "Can I get a cosmopolitan?"

"No grasshopper tonight?" asked Sam.

"I don't think the green matches my dress," she joked.

Josh watched CJ laughing with Sam, asking Ainsley where she'd gone to get her hair cut, inquiring after how Charlie's sister was, and thought she seemed back to her old self. Maybe even better. It could've been the scotch he'd consumed but she seemed like she was sparkling.

At one point after Charlie had gone home he felt CJ's bare knee hit his under the table. He didn't know if she'd even realized it but it stayed there and Josh felt an involuntary warm and tingling sensation spread up his leg. He mentally told himself he'd better stop drinking. He looked at CJ and she was looking straight at him, her blue eyes staring deep into his chocolate ones. She had the tiniest hint of a smile on her face. He quickly glanced around the table and saw no one else was looking – Sam and Ainsley were enmeshed in a heated argument about something or other. Turning to look back at her sitting there, sipping her cosmopolitan in that damned red dress, Josh couldn't stop himself from taking his hand out of his lap and sliding it onto her knee.

Part of him expected her to freak out but she only raised an eyebrow at him, almost issuing a challenge. She took his hand and slid it ever so slightly up her thigh, just under the hem of her dress, teasing him. He briefly shut his eyes. God, those legs. Josh wanted more than anything right then to keep moving his hand up under her dress.

"Enjoying yourself tonight?" she said, leaning over next to his ear to be heard. There was that fresh laundry smell again, coupled with something warmer, almost like cinnamon. Josh didn't know what he was supposed to say. She stayed leaning in, but under the table she gently took his hand off her thigh and put it back in his lap. "Don't worry, I'm not going to take advantage of you when you're drunk," she said softly in his ear, so close their cheeks touched.

"CJ!" he hissed, worried someone else might have had heard. She backed off, leaning back in her chair and smiling.

"No one noticed, Josh. I think I just heard Ainsley say she thinks don't ask don't tell is necessary to protect the religious freedom of army chaplains. Sam's not going to let that go for hours." She shrugged, "It probably would've been fun but it's probably not a good idea. I should get home. It's almost eleven and I have some stuff to read," she stood and put on her coat.

"Have a good night, guys," she called, waving to Sam and Ainsley. They looked up, startled back into reality.

"G'night, CJ," called Sam. Josh stared at her retreating figure. Just before she exited she turned around as if she knew he was still watching, and gave him a little grin. He waved again, then turned his attention back to his friends.

Close to midnight Ainsley began to yawn.

"I should probably go," she said. Sam stood to help her with her coat.

"Yeah we should all go get some sleep," he said. Josh nodded and reached for his coat on the back of his chair. As he turned he noticed something.

"CJ left her shawl here," he said. Sam shrugged.

"Grab it and give it to her tomorrow." Josh shook his head.

"Nah. She said she'd be up for a while. I'll just drive it by her place."

"You are not driving anywhere, Mr. Lyman," Ainsley admonished.

"Fine, I'll take a cab." They headed outside, Josh holding the shawl. Sam offered to walk Ainsley back to her apartment and they headed down the street, Ainsley waving good night to Josh.

"See you tomorrow," he said. When they were out of sight, without even thinking, he lifted the shawl to his face and let that cinnamon smell invade his senses.

-~-

The taxi stopped outside of CJ's building. He paid and got out, but when he heard the car drive away he realized he'd forgotten to ask it to wait for him.

"Shit!" he cursed. He'd have to call another one but maybe from inside. He made his way up the stairs, holding the shawl. Finding her door he knocked softly, worried that maybe she had gone to bed. But he heard footsteps, then the chain being taken off the door. The door cracked open and there was CJ with her glasses on, holding a mug of tea. Through the haze of the alcohol and everything stressful that had happened that day, that feeling of guilt started to creep back in.

"Josh?" she said, opening the door wider to let him in. She was wearing dark blue flannel pyjama pants and a grey T-shirt. He stepped inside and shut the door, trying not to look but noticing that she wasn't wearing a bra.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" he asked.

"No, I was still working. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I just brought you back your scarf...thing...you left it," he stammered, holding out the shawl. He wanted to spill out all the secrets, to forget the potential consequences. His eyes wandered around the apartment, clean and modern looking. CNN was on but muted in the living room.

"Thanks, Josh. You're very sweet sometimes," she said, taking it from him. She put the mug and shawl down on coffee table and returned to the kitchen counter, where he was standing.

"Um, I forgot to tell the taxi to wait so I should call another one," he said, remembering his plan.

"Sure, the phone's just over there. Want some tea while you wait?" Josh didn't move. His eyes had found CJ's again and he found himself thinking about the warmth of her thigh under the table. "Josh?" she said softly.

In two steps he crossed to her and pushed her against the counter, his mouth on hers, hot and demanding. She kissed back, her tongue slipping into his mouth, her glasses fogging up. She broke apart long enough to take off her glasses and start unbuttoning his jacket.

"I said this was probably not a good idea," she protested lamely even as she removed his clothes.

"That means there's a chance it's a great idea," he replied. His hands ran down her sides to her hips, where he pulled her into him, letting her feel his hardness forming. She moaned slightly and the sound was such a turn-on that Josh wanted more. He could hear her breathing getting heavy as he kissed up and down her neck, sucking lightly on the spot just above the collar of her T-shirt. She was loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt now, whispering his name.

He pulled back slightly and took off his shirt and tie, enjoying the look that came into CJ's eyes as she took in the look of his muscled chest. He grabbed her hand and led her to the couch, where he pushed her down and climbed on top, crushing his mouth onto hers once more. She tasted indescribably good, like fresh berries. He slipped a hand up her shirt and she gasped as his fingers found her breast. She arched into him as he cupped it and brushed his fingers gently over her nipple.

She began to undo his belt, feeling him hard against her. As his breathing quickened in anticipation he lifted up the hem of her T-Shirt and bent his mouth down to take her nipple in his mouth.

"Oh God, Josh," she moaned.

"Claudia Jean," he whispered back, backing up to look at her face. She was so beautiful. Just then out of the corner of his eye he noticed the television. For a split second he looked and saw they were covering a speech the President had made. He froze, the guilt of the secret beginning to overwhelm him. What was he doing here?

"Josh? Why are you stopping?" CJ asked. He gestured to the TV.

"The President," he whispered. CJ looked at him, incredulous, then started laughing.

"It's not like he can see us through the TV, Josh," she replied as she shook with laughter. But he couldn't keep going, not when she was going to find out about the President's MS and everything was going to come crashing down for her too. He slowly rolled off of her and began doing up his belt again. "Josh, you're not seriously going?" she asked, a combination of annoyance and concern in her tone. She pulled down her T-Shirt and got up, seeing that he wasn't stopping. Now he was picking his shirt up off the floor and pulling it on.

"I can't do this. You said you wouldn't take advantage of me tonight, but I'm the one taking advantage of you. I'm sorry, CJ," he said.

"Josh, you're not taking advantage of me. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who came on to you in the bar," she argued.

"But you don't know..." he trailed off. He was pulling on his coat. He balled up his tie and shoved it in his pocket and turned to go. She reached out a hand and grabbed his arm, turning him back to face her.

"What don't I know?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, CJ," he repeated, voice sounding hoarse. He shook off her arm.

"Yeah, you are," CJ called after him as he headed out the door and into the night.

-~-

As he walks home he feels like an idiot and a jerk. CJ is never going to forgive him, he thinks, and why should she? He just had just left her half naked on the couch and then panicked, and she had no idea why.

It was just starting to rain and he had several blocks to go, but he didn't care. That was such a mess, he thought. He decides to go to Leo the next morning and convince him to let CJ in on the secret. He was pretty sure he could make a case for it and then she'd at least understand what had happened between them, even if she was still going to hate him.

By the time he got home he was soaking wet and exhausted and it was two-thirty. Not caring about the sheets, he didn't even take off his coat or shoes before climbing into bed and falling into a dreamless sleep.

-~-

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