"You don't understand!"
Ben's words were still ringing in my ears long after he'd left the apartment slamming the door behind him.
I wandered aimlessly around the apartment, picking up dirty dishes, courtesy of Hunter, from the floor and taking them to the kitchen and adding them to pile already on the counter.
I knew I should wash them but I didn't have the energy. My thoughts as always were on Ben. Where was he? When would he come home? What sort of mood would he be in when he finally did?
I heard a door open and hurried into the living room only to find Hunter standing there, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Where's Ben?"
"Out."
"You two have a row?"
"What makes you think that?"
"Oh I don't know…raised voices, doors slamming…"
"You don't understand."
"Those words sound familiar."
"Don't be a ……."
"Smart ass….yeah I know." Hunter replied, dropping onto the sofa. "He's right though. You don't"
"Of course I fucking don't." I snapped at him. "But I want to and he doesn't give me the chance."
"That's Ben. You know….all silent and brooding."
"And that leaves me where?" I said, wondering if having this conversation with Hunter was a good idea.
"Still here I guess."
"Of course I'm still fucking here. You think I'm gonna leave?"
"No but Ben maybe does."
"Why the fuck would he think that?"
"You need to ask him"
"Hunter what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Why don't I believe you?" I sat down next to him. "Tell me."
"He got a phone call yesterday…..from his doctor."
I felt myself go cold.
It was almost dusk when I heard Ben's key in the door. The day had dragged. The dirty dishes still sat in the sink, the housework I'd planned not done. I couldn't settle to anything and eventually lay on the sofa with a book, falling asleep for a while, waking with start when I heard him at the door.
"Hey" Ben said, throwing his keys on the table.
"Hey" I replied, meeting his eyes but he averted his gaze from me. "Where you been?"
"Just walking around."
"Till now?"
"Stopped at school to prepare some stuff for class tomorrow." He answered, still not looking at me. "Where's Hunter?"
"Gone to stay at Glen's for the night."
"I see." He said. "So shall I cook something for supper?"
"Not hungry thanks." I knew I sounded like a petulant child but I didn't care. I was angry with him, but more than anything, I was worried sick.
"When did you plan on telling me?" I asked and saw the look of surprise at the rapid change of subject cross his face.
"Tell you what?" He answered but I could tell he knew exactly what I was talking about.
"About the phone call……from your doctor."
"Who told you?"
"Hunter. And before you start I had to drag it out of him on punishment of death or even worse, a week of eating my cooking."
I saw a half smile touch his lips at my words before I continued.
"And he also seems to have the idea that you think I'm going somewhere."
His intake of breath at my words was audible and I knew he was weighing up his words before he answered me.
"Maybe you should."
"For fuck sake Ben what's with this shit. I'm not going anywhere, for better and worse remember."
"We're not married."
"But maybe some day we will be."
"Yeah right."
"Fuck you Ben. Stop shutting me out. Stop all this 'I don't understand' crap."
"You don't"
"And I never will unless you talk to me." I replied quietly.
I don't know if it was the tone of my voice or the look in my eyes but all the anger seemed to leave Ben's body at my words.
"I'm sorry Michael."
"You're always sorry." I replied, not ready to let him off the hook that easily. "Every time this happens you apologize, I accept it and things go back to normal until some thing else happens and we are back where we are now."
"Please Michael…."
"Please what? Just pretend all this anger you have is going to disappear?" I said standing and walking towards him. "I can't keep doing this Ben, going round and round in circles. If I knew why perhaps it would make it easier."
I stopped in front of him, wanting, needing him to take me into his arms but he didn't move.
"I love you Ben. If that's not enough for you to talk to me then I don't know what the answer is any more." I said with a sigh and walked from the room to our bedroom, closing the door behind me.
A coward's way out maybe but I was exhausted, physically and mentally and perhaps beginning to realize the futility in what I was trying to achieve.
I'm not sure how long I sat there before I heard a tentative knock on the door and it opened slowly.
"Michael I'm……"
"Don't fucking say it!" I yelled at him. "It's not what I want to hear. I want to know if you are sick, why you won't tell me of your worries and fears….. "
"Michael…."
"I know you have them Ben." I said softly. "I want to be there when they get too much because they affect me as well. I just wish you realized that."
He walked into the room and stopped next to the bed. His blue eyes were full of pain and it took all my strength not to jump up and wrap my arms around him, telling him it was ok.
"Michael…. baby…I am sorry."
His voice was barely above a whisper as if he was scared what my reaction would be but this time I could tell he meant those words.
I reached out, taking his hand and pulled him onto the bed. He stretched out and I snuggled against him, finally letting myself relax for the first time today.
"I don't mean to shut you out Michael. I couldn't get through some days without knowing you are here when I come home. You are what make life worth fighting for." He began, reaching for my hand and threading his fingers through mine. "I just don't want this disease anywhere near you."
"I know I'll never completely understand Ben but it is part of me. That's what I don't think you understand. I see it ever morning when I open the bathroom cabinet and the bottles of pills look back at me." I said quietly, hoping I could put my thoughts into words. "And when you say those words to me it hurts."
I felt his grip tighten on my hand and looked up at him.
"I love you Michael, never doubt that for a second." He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head before continuing. "As well as the call from the doctor..."
I opened my mouth to speak but he put his fingers on my lips to silence me.
"Which I will tell you about soon." He continued. "I found out a friend had died and it made me think about the fragility of life and how one moment of carelessness all those years ago could rob me of a future with you."
"You can't change the past Ben." I answered.
"I know that. But it makes me think of what kind of future I can offer you."
"I knew what I was getting into when you told me you were positive. I'd lived with Uncle Vic remember, I know what could happen." I replied. "And I accept it. I just wish you would."
"It's not what I want for you Michael. You deserve so much more."
"But even if we only have ten or twenty years together, isn't that better than having nothing at all?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady, the thought of losing the love of my life almost too much to bear.
"What happens if we don't even have that long?" Ben said quietly.
"What did the doctor say Ben?" I asked, a feeling of dread moving through my body.
My voice cracked when I voiced that question and I knew Ben had picked up on it and he pulled me quickly into his arms.
"Oh god Michael, I didn't mean…..I'm not going to….."
"Die?" Just saying that word left me shaking and I felt Ben's grip on me tighten.
"Not if I can help it baby, but….."
"How did I know there was going to be a 'but." I answered, managing a weak smile.
"Because you know me so well." Ben answered, lifting my chin, covering my mouth in a deep kiss.
I lost myself in his kiss but my mind was filled with still unanswered questions and I pulled away, looking up at him.
"Tell me Ben." I said tentatively, wanting to know but at the same time fearing what I may hear.
"My viral load is up…."
"How up?" I remembered asking that same question almost a year ago and that, days later Ben had ended up in hospital, fighting for his life.
"300,000."
"Christ Ben….that's…"
"I know." I could hear the worry in his voice as he continued. "My doctor has booked me into hospital tomorrow for some tests."
"Have they tried changing your meds?" I asked.
"Yes quite a lot over the last few months."
"Months!" I knew my voice was rising but couldn't help it. "You've kept this to yourself for fucking months!"
"I didn't want you to worry Michael." He answered. "I wanted to protect you but I know now how wrong I was. You are so strong Michael and I never should have shut you out."
"I'm not strong Ben. I'm scared…."
"So am I baby."
Hearing him say those words shook me to the core. Ben who did everything right, who had always said that this disease would not dictate how he lived his life, whose mantra of 'living in the now' was what I clung to when things got bad, admitting that he was scared.
"We'll get through this Ben. Do you know why?" I said, determination coming through in my voice.
"Why Michael?" He asked, his fingers lightly caressing my cheek.
"Because what we have now and the future we want and more than anything the love that we share are no match for this disease."
"I love you Michael."
"And I love you Ben Bruckner and there is no way in the fucking world anything is taking you away from me."