This is my first fanfic, it's about Edward Cullen, how he feels when he left Bella. You can call this a songfic, the lyrics that is in the middle is from the song I Grieve - Peter Gabriel. Please let me know what you think :) I don't own any of these characters.

I didn't look back.
If vampires could shed tears, I would. But at this moment, I saw it as a gift. And that's because if I'd cried in front of her, it wouldn't be so believable that I lied. I lied so hard, and she hadn't noticed. A part of me wanted her to noticed.

"It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home"

It turned darker for every minute that passed. My hands were shaking. My body was screaming. I could still see her eyes in my mind when I told her, when I told her that I was leaving. And she didn't understand me, or at least not in the beginning. I had to lie more - even though it hurts. I had to tell her something that I never thought I would say. I had to, because I loved her more than life itself, more than anything else.
This was the hardest thing I've ever done in a hundreds years. I left her. I just left her.

When Jasper tried to attack her, I realized that he would succeed one day. Maybe I wouldn't be there, when Jasper killed her. I knew that he didn't mean it, that he really didn't want to hurt her. He just couldn't help it. But still. And if it wasn't him that would kill her, it would still be a matter of time when she would die. So that's why I decided. I didn't cared how much it would hurt me, to be without her. My soul. I could do everything for this girl, and right now, she needed to be safe. And with me, she wouldn't be.

"The news that truly shocks
Is the empty,empty page
While the final rattle rocks
It's empty,empty cage
And i can't handle this"

I had promised her that I would never hurt her. And I would keep that promise.
After seeing her in the ballet studio, seeing her almost dying after that James had tortured her, all I could think of was the Volturi. If she died, and if I was the cause, I would go to Volturi. Maybe they would kill me, maybe not. I would still came up with a plan to make them kill me, because without her, it wasn't worth living.
She was worth the best of lives.

My thoughts ended here, and I started to breathe again. My head was screaming. It screamed inside of me, and I couldn't stop it. I loved her
I fell on my knees and shook, not by tears but still I was crying. We monsters had our own way of crying.
She will forget someday, but I will not.

"Did I dream this belief
Or did i believe this dream
How will i find relief
I grieve"