Chapter 1:

Steve Roger's life had never been a walk in the park. He grew up an only child, raised by a hard working single mother. His father had abandoned him and his mother before Steve was born so his mother had to work two jobs - sometimes three just to make ends meet. To make matters worse, Steve always seemed to land in the hospital - whether it be because of his health or the injuries he acquired from fighting with other kids. He was a late bloomer (at least that's what his mother said) so he was smaller than all of the other kids his age - skinny, short and almost awkward looking. And because his family was so poor, his clothes and shoes were all from the good will or given to him by the church they attended every Sunday which only meant more bullying. As small and fragile as he was, he always stood his ground and fought back even if it meant he had to take a trip to the doctors. To him, it was worth it (even though he would constantly get yelled at for being reckless and impulsive by his mother) and he didn't blame his mother for their situation. The reality was, they were poor and he was different from the other kids. There wasn't much that could be done about either of those. Instead of resenting it, he ended up appreciating his mother more. She did the best she could given the hand she was dealt. What mattered was they had a roof over their heads and food on the table - more importantly they had each other.

Eventually, things started to change. Summer of sophomore year, Steve finally hit his growth spurt. He went from being a 5'5 skinny boy to a 6'0 athletic built man so by the time school began again, it was like he was a new student - no one recognized him. Not only did he look different, his health conditions had somehow miraculously become nonexistent. People around him started treating him differently especially when he had joined the baseball and football team. The guys who bullied him were now giving him respect and the girls who once ignored him were now begging for his attention. Just as he was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, he had found out a few months later that his mother was dying from cancer. It was ironic how all the money had saved on him and his medical issues were now being spent on chemotherapy and trying to save his mother's life. The rest of his high school career was spent juggling between school, work, and taking care of his mother. She ended up passing away at the end of his senior year which lead him to where he was right now - a 26 year old veteran (served 3 tours) who was now trying to assimilate back into normal everyday living.

For the most part, he was good at blending in. For example, he was currently sitting outside by a tree in central park, mindlessly eating a sandwich while he draws inside his sketchbook. Occasionally, he would look around and take in his surroundings but for the most part, he was minding his own business - careful not to draw any unnecessary attention to himself. He had literally a handful of friends (mostly guys who served with him) but he was comfortable with solitude. His therapist told him that it wasn't healthy to be as emotionally disconnected as he was but he just couldn't find it in him convert back to being "normal" (whatever normal was). The wounds he had brought back (both physical and mental) with him from the war were still weighing him down whether he wanted to admit it or not. The PTSD was still very much present in his life where a loud thump or a large group of people would trigger anxiety or worse a knee jerk reaction out of him. A few months ago, he had tried to go to a club with his friends but ended up almost breaking a random stranger's arm when the man accidently bumped into Steve while he was off guard (it didn't help that there was a loud bang from the bartender dropping a few glasses at the same time). He hadn't meant to react that way but ever since he had joined the army, protecting himself had become second nature. Luckily for him, once the man found out he was a veteran, he dropped the charges. Needless to say, all his friends have been keeping a close eye on him since the incident. So now he was doing his best to avoid overly crowded places and people in general.

Steve stared down at his phone and saw a miss call from Sam and a few unread messages from Sharon, the girl he had hooked up with occasionally for the past few months. What are you doing tonight? He quickly read the message and shook his head before deleting it. His life had become a cycle of isolation and random hook ups (not that he hooked up with many women but it was enough to make his mother roll in her grave). In his defense, he had been completely honest with all the girls he had hooked up with - making sure to tell them he didn't want anything serious but eventually the girls would come right back wanting more. Something he wasn't willing to give because between his fucked up childhood and the war - there wasn't very much left to give. He was damaged goods - so royally fucked up. Casual sex was enough - no strings attached, just a means to take the edge off. It wasn't how he had imagined his life would have turned out but it was what it was. He had a roof over his head, food on the table, and more money than he knew what to do with it (thanks to the army). It could have been worse which was why he wasn't complaining. Still, he couldn't help but feel like something was missing from his life.

He reflected on his life for a few more minutes before decided he had spent enough time wasting time so he grabbed his things and hopped on his motorcycle back to his apartment. He unlocked the door to his lonely pathetic apartment. It was a pretty decent one bedroom apartment (compared to the beat down shack he grew up in) but it lacked any form of personality. All his furniture besides the couch and bed were bought from used furniture stores. He couldn't find it in him to spend money on nice new furniture that actually coordinated with one another because he was barely home to begin with. He walked over to the fridge a pulled out a bottle of beer before settling on the couch. It wasn't very long before he heard a knock on the door and he knew it had to be Sam.

"It's unlocked" he yelled from the couch, not moving from where he was sitting. When the door opened he noticed Sam carrying a big bag of chinese food in one hand and a case of corona in the other. "Hey Cap" Sam nodded his head slightly before taking a seat next to Steve. He opened a bottle of beer and tilted it slightly toward Steve. "Getting started without me." Steve laughed and clinked his beer against Sam's before finishing it in one big gulp. The smell coming from the chinese bag in front of him was enough to make his stomach rumble. He opened the bag and grabbed the first container on the top - not really caring what it was. They ate and drank in comfortable silence which was the good thing about being friends with Sam. Unlike his other friends, Sam was actually there with him in the battlefield. He witnessed the deaths and trauma just like Steve so there wasn't a need to "talk" about it. They both went to the same therapist and was working on their issues on their own pace. The only difference was Sam was willing to make more of an effort to establishing a better social life than Steve. He dealt with his problems by making regular trips to the therapist and spending time with loved ones whereas Steve only hit the minimum required therapy sessions and liked spending his time alone by himself.

"Did you ever call that blonde girl back?" Sam asked casually as he indulged in his chicken lo mein.

"Sharon? No." Steve shrugged nonchalantly.

"Why not? She seemed like a decent enough girl. Cute." Steve shrugged his shoulder at the comment. Steve thought she was pretty but pretty only went so far in his book.

"Not my type." The response caused Sam to roll his eyes. It was such a typical Steve Rogers answer. "You say that all the time man. I'm starting to worry that you're going to end up alone forever. What is your type anyways? Maybe I could set you up on a blind date."

Steve almost choked on the eggroll he was eating. "No way. I'm fine with the way things are."

"I'm not putting down your hook ups man. I would be lying if I didn't at least acknowledge that you always manage to hook up with the finest females in New York but eventually you're going to need to do more. Besides, you've seemed to be seeing Sharon consistently - figured it was more than just a hook up"

There was that word, more. The idea of ever wanting more seemed insane the more he thought about it."Why does everyone think I would eventually need more? I'm happy with the way my life is going" Lies. He wasn't happy but he wasn't exactly hating his life either. "I'm comfortable with the way things are" he added before finishing his food. Sam shook his head unconvinced.

"Because once all the hoes are gone, you're gonna want something stable. It's cool now that we're young but we're gonna be 30 years old in a few more years. Those one night stands regardless of how fine those women are, aren't gonna be so appealing then." Sam looked at Steve carefully to see his reaction. He knew he was walking on a fine line with this conversation but it was one that he needed to have with his friend. As happy as he was about Steve actually having sex (when he first met Steve, he was about as virgin can be. Awkward and unwilling to even interact with females) he knew better than anyone that it wasn't in Steve's character to not want something more stable. He could see the wheels turning inside Steve's head which meant he was actually listening and considering what he was saying. It took a while for Steve to actually form a response but eventually he did.

"What if I'm still just as fucked up in a few years as I am now?" His voice was soft and his eyes were staring straight ahead - not willing to make any form of eye connection with his friend. This was the first time Sam has ever witnessed this much vulnerability from Steve.

"We're all fucked up Cap. Comes with the territory" he put a soft hand on Steve's shoulder for comfortable which caused Steve to nod his head. It's not like he didn't want to find a person to settle down with. He's even thought about actually taking it to the next level with Sharon but everytime he tried, it just didn't feel right. The sex was great but there wasn't much else to it. Whenever they had conversations it felt forced, unnatural - mainly because she couldn't really relate to his life experiences so they mostly talked about superficial topics like how there day went or the latest movies. It boils down to chemistry - every girl he's met thus far have been been attractive but couldn't hold a real conversation with him. It's not like he could completely place the blame on those women when really it was partially his fault as well - he wasn't the most easy person to talk since he was always guarded. The only time he's ever found a girl who made his heart race was his ex high school sweetheart, Peggy Carter. She had been the only girl who challenged him. They had a great relationship for awhile until he enlisted in the army. When he was shipped off, she moved on (not that he could even blame her). Somewhere along the lines, the connection died off, the phone calls became shorter, and the letters came less and less - until one day he received the dear john letter. He couldn't lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. That was the first and only time he had ever fallen in love and gotten his heart broken. Still, he was grateful for having the chance to experience something like that with a girl like her. Any girl since her have paled in comparison to Peggy and if he were to even consider jumping into a new relationship, she would have to make him feel even a fraction of what she did. The next woman he fell in love with had her work cut out for her because he came equipped with triple the baggage any man should be carrying. Even if he did find that special someone, he wouldn't want to put her through the hell of being with him and all his issues. It wasn't fair and it wasn't her mess to have to clean up. Bottom line, he didn't want a person to save him. He could save himself (eventually anyways).

"Are you going to Tony's wedding tomorrow?" Sam asked casually - pulling Steve out of his thoughts. He glanced at his friend who was studying him carefully - worry evident in his eyes. "Uh, yeah." Steve nodded in response quickly. Truth was he had forgotten all about it and was thankful for the reminder. "Should be fun" Steve added flatly. He grabbed another beer, hoping the buzz would kick in soon. All his thoughts were pushed out of mind. It was useless worrying about dating when he wasn't planning on doing it. Wasted thoughts and wasted energy. This was his life and he wasn't anticipating a change in lifestyle, at least anytime soon anyways.

AN: Please leave reviews. I would love to know what you guys think.