Another one-shot, this one a little longer. When I wrote this, I'd read far too many fics featuring Lily the Bitch and James the Sweet if Annoying Boy. So here's my response to the millions of those fics, featuring Lily the Cool and Level-Headed and James the Absolute Ass. Fun stuff.
Anything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling et. al. It's not mine, I'm just borrowing them. I'm too lazy to type up the Pensieve scene from OotP, so use your imagination/memory for that. And, lastly, the rating is R because there are some instances of the F word and the like.
Enjoy!
-Trinity
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"Many spells and charms were created or discovered in unorthodox ways. For instance, in 1441, an unknown wizard accidentally discovered the spell know today as-"
"Hey Evans!" Lily looked up, annoyed, as James Potter dropped into the seat beside her, grinning broadly.
"Potter," she replied simply, going back to her reading. "...accidentally discovered the spell-"
"What are you reading?" Lily sighed and looked up again.
"The History of Magic textbook. You know, the one we're supposed to have read? The one that will be on our OWLs?" Lily replied curtly. Potter squinted and shrugged.
"Eh, whatever. I haven't read it."
"How shocking," Lily replied dryly before returning to her reading. "...discovered the spell known today as-"
"So, anything fascinating?" he asked eagerly, resting his chin in his hand, peering at Lily.
"I don't really know," Lily replied smoothly, "as I've now read the same sentence three times. Thanks to you." James sat back, looking slightly offended.
"Oh. Well, we don't have that exam until Monday, anyway- why are you reading it now?" Lily sighed.
"Because I have other exams that need studying for as well. And if I put it off, like you, it won't get done, like your studying." James sat back.
"Ooh, ouch, Evans. That was sharp."
"I know," Lily replied simply before turning back to her book.
"So how's life?" Lily pursed her lips before looking back up.
"It was quite wonderful until you arrived." A flicker of hurt appeared in James' eyes for a moment before disappearing.
"Now, really, Evans, am I that bad?" Lily pretended to contemplate this.
"Yes," she replied definitely before picking up her books and rising.
"Hey, where are you going?" James asked, rising as well, confused.
"Away from you," Lily replied simply, flashing a smirk before heading for the door of the library. James didn't know how to respond to this, and he stood dumbly by the now empty table.
"Damn," he muttered.
----
Lily dropped happily into a large armchair in the common room, several hours later, with a heavy book about muggle science. It fascinated her, and she had just received this book from her parents. And it was a welcome escape from all that studying. She was in good shape for her exam tomorrow, so she felt she could indulge for a couple of hours. Outer space, black holes, supernovas...
She had barely read the title page when she was interrupted by someone dropping heavily onto the arm of her chair. Before she even looked up, she knew who it was.
"Potter," she muttered, scowling, before looking back at her book determinedly.
"Evans. Why do you hate me so much?" James questioned lightly, clearly not believing that she hated him. Lily paused, and looked up from her book to gaze at the fireplace.
"Would you like the full version, or the abridged?" she replied coolly. James hesitated, not expecting this response.
"Um... full?" he replied uncertainly. Lily took a deep breath.
"You're full of yourself, you pick on people weaker than you, you make fun of everyone, you're arrogant, you use your popularity and good looks to everyone else's disadvantage, you pester me constantly, you're stubborn, you think because you don't know something, it's not important, you have no respect for anyone, never mind for authority, and you are violating my personal bubble," Lily replied in one breath. James sat, mouth hanging open, in silence for nearly a minute while Lily resumed her reading triumphantly.
"Um..." James said a moment later. "So... what's the abridged version?" Lily shook her head.
"Nope. One or the other, not both." James nodded slowly.
"Um, ok. Would you stop hating me if I got out of your personal bubble?" he questioned unsurely. Lily shook her head, not bothering to look up.
"No. But it would keep me from cursing you up into the fireplace," she replied simply. James gaped at her for a moment before grinning.
"You crack me up, Evans. You'd never-"he began before halting as he found her wand pointed at his chest.
"I'm hysterical, I know," Lily replied evenly, smirking at James. "Any more and the school will have to hire a chimneysweep," she warned. James nodded quickly, standing up.
"Yeah... um, I was just going... see you," he stammered before retreating from her chair. Lily smiled contentedly and turned back to her book.
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A couple of hours later, the common room was deserted and Lily decided it was time to go to sleep. She closed her book and unsteadily rose from her chair, yawning. Hugging her book to her chest, she silently walked across the common toward her dormitory. Upon reaching the other side, however, she discovered that the common room was not actually empty. James and his gang were sitting on a couch near the stairs, backs to Lily. With a sigh, Lily resolved to go past them and ignore them, regardless of what they said. With luck, they wouldn't notice her, either. However, upon approaching, she discovered they were deep in conversation... about her.
"And then she launched into a tirade of all the things she hates about me- and there are a lot! And... ugh! If it was anyone else, that would be a really bitchy thing to say."
"But since it was Evans, you'll ignore it?" Sirius replied, smirking.
"You do have a very large blind spot as far as Lily goes," Remus agreed. James rolled his eyes.
"It's a challenge," he replied. "If she would just go out with me, I'd leave her alone."
"Bullshit," Lily replied sweetly, standing hidden behind them. With shock, the four friends spun around to find Lily smiling evilly, book hugged to chest. James jumped up immediately, his mind flipping through what he might have said in front of her.
"Um... what?" James asked, still thinking rapidly.
"Bullshit," Lily replied pleasantly. "If I agreed to go out with you, you would never leave me alone." James wasn't quite sure how to respond to this, so Sirius did.
"Never know until you try," he pointed out, grinning. Lily's smile faded slightly.
"Somehow, I have a pretty good idea," she replied evenly.
"Come on, Evans," James finally blurted. "Just one date- it doesn't even have to be anywhere special. Maybe Hogsmeade, or an abandoned classroom, or even a broom closet, and we could-"
"NO, Potter, means no," Lily interrupted firmly, eyes blazing. "No broom closets, no Hogsmeade, NADA." James set his jaw firmly, crossing toward her.
"Come on, Evans. Why not? One date- then I'll leave you alone. If that's what you want," he added, winking, leaning in closer.
"Why not?" Lily repeated coolly. "Did you forget all the things I just told you by the fireplace? No, of course you didn't," Lily said thoughtfully, a sickly sweet smile on her face. "Because you just told your friends about it- what was it? A 'bitchy thing to say?'" James turned slightly pink, but shrugged.
"But what else did I say, Evans? It's you, so I don't care. Just one date. No big deal. I'll even trade you something for it. What would you like? I could give you my broomstick. Or a box of chocolates. Or-" Lily glared, smile gone.
"Which part of no did you not understand?" she demanded. "No. How low do you think I am, that you could buy me out? I'm not a prostitute, Potter." James started stammering frantically at this comment, but Lily ignored him. "And on top of all the things I said earlier, I also hate how you call me Evans." With one final glare, Lily staked past James to her room. Before she could make it to the stairs, however, James grabbed her arm.
"Fine. I'll stop calling you Evans," he offered, smiling. "And I'll stop teasing the inferiors, if that's what you'd like, too." Before James could respond, Lily was mere inches from his face, arm still in his grasp.
"Three words Potter. Care to guess what they are?" James looked confused, but smiled just the same.
"No is only one word, Evans. Could it be 'yes, I will'?" Lily shook her head dangerously, eyes narrowed.
"Nope. You lose," she replied, deathly quiet. "The correct answer was go fuck yourself." With that said, Lily tore her arm from James' grasp and disappeared upstairs. James stood, frozen, mouth gaping. After a long moment, during which the other three Marauders gaped as well, James closed his mouth and turned back to his friends.
"Hm. Well, she used the word 'fuck' in reference to me... that's got to be a good sign," James pointed out, grinning. Remus and Sirius exchanged doubtful looks, but Peter laughed and clapped.
"Very true, Prongs!" he exclaimed, and James bowed as he resumed his seat, ignoring the looks from Remus and Sirius.
----
Lily quickly ate her eggs at breakfast, ready to do a quick review and then sit for her exam. Unfortunately, before she could leave, James and the Marauders arrived, conveniently sitting beside Lily. With a weary sigh, Lily wondered if she would have to reiterate last night's conversation.
"Morning, Evans," James said cheerfully, purposely rubbing hands with Lily as he reached for the pumpkin juice.
"Potter," Lily replied coolly, not bothering to look up as she hastily finished her eggs.
"So, want to go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow?" James offered, smiling. Lily gaped, eggs halfway to her mouth.
"Did you miss last night's conversation?" she questioned indignantly, dumbfounded.
"Of course not," James replied, pouring syrup over his pancakes. "But I was a little out of line, so I thought I'd offer this morning in a different way. I won't try to buy you out- I'll just ask you straight up, me to you." Lily rolled her eyes before responding.
"Potter... I still hate you, you're still arrogant, and now you're dense as a brick!" she replied, shaking her head as she rose from the table, eggs forgotten. Unfortunately, James rose along with her.
"Oh, come on, Evans. Just give in. You know you will eventually- I'm irresistible, you know that." Lily gritted her teeth to keep from screaming some evil reply. "Besides, most girls would give their right arm for a private visit to Hogsmeade with me- especially on a non-Hogsmeade weekend." Lily glared at James for a moment before replying.
"Fortunately for all of us, I am not most girls. And if this is really true, Potter, O God of the Female Race, why don't you go harass one of them. Maybe you'll actually find yourself a date," Lily replied coolly before stalking out of the Great Hall. Figures. As soon as her anger had died down, Potter had to come along and re-spark it. What an asshole.
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[insert pensieve scene from OotP- too lazy to type it up]
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Fuming, Lily stormed off. Usually, she preferred cool and witty, not loud and furious, but Potter had just pushed her too far. The combination of last night with his latest antics- never mind how he had rekindled her anger this morning at breakfast- was just too much to take. And she was sure no one could blame her. Especially in the middle of OWLs, too.
"Hey! Evans!" Lily felt like slamming her head into the stone wall. He was following her? Ugh. Reluctantly, she turned around, face set in an expression that clearly said GO AWAY. James, however, chose to ignore it. "Am I really as bad as the Giant Squid?" he asked, grinning. Lily was in no mood to joke around, or even beat around the topic.
"Let me say this simply, Potter. I want to scream at you right now," Lily informed him calmly and dangerously. "However, I've already done that, and you were too ignorant to understand that. So I'm going to try this simply. Get out of my face this minute, and stay out of my face, or I will curse you so badly that you will be in the hospital wing for the next three months." James' mouth fell open, astounded that she had said that. Lily set her jaw. "You're not moving," she pointed out, and James nodded soundlessly before taking a step backwards.
"Can I... can I apologize?" he offered desperately, and Lily got the impression that he had never believed she really hated him until now. Spinning on her heel, victory assured, Lily stalked off down the corridor.
"Too late. Much too late, Potter," she replied over her shoulder, before disappearing into the safety of the library.
----
That evening, Lily was sitting under a large oak tree by the lake, studying for her Monday OWL exam. The common room was a madhouse, and she had spent enough time in the library to last her a lifetime. So she was outside, under the stars, in the slightly cool night air, and very happy. Her solace was, of course, interrupted by none other than her least favorite person.
"Evans?" Lily moaned and glanced over her shoulder to find James approaching.
"What did I say about cursing you?" she demanded, glaring. James paused several feet away, holding up one hand.
"Can I... can I say something first?" he questioned hopefully. Normally, Lily would have said no and then gave him a warning curse. But... there was something in his voice and in his body language that made Lily pause.
"Make it fast," she said instead, and James looked relieved. He nodded quickly and hurried the last few feet to kneel beside Lily under the tree. In the darkness, she could barely make out his expression- an expression she'd never seen on his face.
"I just... I... uh..."
"Hurry up," Lily ordered, and James stopped stammering immediately.
"I wanted to apologize," he confessed all at once. Lily was stunned. These were certainly words she'd never expected to hear from James Potter's lips. "I... I, um, I was a jerk, I'm sorry, and I really don't want you to hate me anymore." Lily gaped.
"Um... well..." she stammered, at a complete and utter loss. James seemed to take this as a bad sign, because he quickly held out his other hand, which had been hidden behind his back until this point.
"And these are for you," he added quickly, thrusting the contents into Lily's lap. With shock, Lily realized it was a bouquet of flowers.
"F... flowers?" she questioned dumbly. James nodded.
"Lilies. I thought... well, I thought..." Even in the darkness, Lily could see him turning red.
"Well... thank you," Lily replied, at more of a loss now than before.
"Do you forgive me?" James asked nervously. Lily played with one of the flowers, nervous herself.
"Well... you can be a real jerk, James Potter," she pointed out.
"Yeah. I know," he replied miserably.
"Um... but..." Lily stammered, trying to think of what to say. He seemed so vulnerable and... well, actually sweet, and she hated knowing that she made him feel so unhappy. "Well, I think these make up for... um... for the last 24 hours." James' face lit up, and Lily wondered if she hadn't made a horrible mistake.
"Oh, really? Merlin, Lily, that makes me feel so much better," James replied, looking positively delighted.
"Well... good," Lily replied, unsure of what to say.
"So you don't hate me anymore?" James questioned, and Lily sensed a bit of the James she knew and hated coming back.
"I wouldn't got that far," she replied, and her suspicions were confirmed. James laughed.
"Well, I'll just have to win you over, then, won't I?" he replied cockily, and Lily moaned to herself. WHY did she have to forgive him? Now he was back to the insensitive jerk he always was...
"Good luck with that," Lily replied coolly, turning back to her books.
"Um, Lily? Thanks," James mumbled quickly, and Lily looked up in surprise. Who was this person- who could jump from cocky, jerk James to sensitive, sweet James in a matter of seconds? To confirm this observation, James leaned in and kissed Lily smack on the lips before she could respond to shove him away.
"GET OFF!" she hollered an instant later, and James pulled away, grinning.
"I'll win you over eventually, Evans. I promise." Lily glared.
"In the meantime, leave me alone," she ordered, and James nodded, smirking.
"As you wish, madam," he replied, chuckling as he rose and headed back to the castle. With a frustrated sigh, Lily turned back to her books. The flowers were still sitting on top of them. That was... that was one of the most confusing conversations she'd ever had with anyone. The only thing that made sense was that James had a horrible case of multiple-personality disorder, and... Lily blushed as she thought this. She could actually like the sweet James. If only the other one would stay away...
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