A/N: More Ed Sheeran inspired casket fics. I always had the idea to do a fic for this song, but it was when I was having a dance party in my room by myself singing this song to myself in the mirror (Because I am in love with myself obviously) I got the idea to do this. There is smut, although I initially never intended there to be any…. Anyways, hope you like it!
And I've thrown it all away
And watched you fall into his arms again
And I've thrown it all away
Watched you fall, now
He watched with complete and utter sadness as she walked away with him, with Josh, to the elevator and out of the precinct. He had totally missed his chance with her and there was nothing he could do. She seemed happy and he didn't want to ruin that, so he plastered a smile on his face as she stepped on to the elevator and turned to face him. He could swear he saw something in her face, in her eyes, that told him, she wanted this too, but then again, it could be his own devastated mind seeing things that didn't exist. No, she was happy.
Today was an emotionally draining day, for both of them and he secretly wished she would come home with him, just like she did after the bank hold up. Come home with him, not for anything drastic, but just to be in the company of each other, soaking in the knowledge that they had almost lost each other today, for the thousandth time. But instead, Josh came and she made her choice and it was Josh.
He turned to grab his jacket off of his chair beside her desk and made his way to the stairs, for some reason not wanting to be in the same confines Kate and Josh had been in, it hurt too much.
"See you guys." Castle nodded to Ryan and Esposito as he passed.
The two exchanged glances, looking after Castle.
"You okay bro?" Esposito called after him.
Castle plastered that same smile back on his face and nodded to the guys, "Yea. Yea, I'm good. Just gonna head home, write a little bit. See you tomorrow."
They nodded and let it go as he made his way to the stairs, feeling rejected, dejected and every other possible devastating feeling he could think of in his writer brain.
He stopped on the second landed and leaned against the wall in the dark stairway. He hung his head, holding it in his hands, willing the crushing feeling of heartbreak to pass, only, after standing there for five minutes he realized, it wasn't going to.
His heart was broken and it wasn't even her fault, he waited too long, didn't push enough and now he lost her.
He shook his head, trying to get her out of his head. She belonged to another man now, no not belonged, Kate Beckett would never belong to anybody, she was with another man.
It was killing him, every time he closed his eyes, she was all he saw, all he felt. Those eyes, those brilliant eyes that would change from brown to green with her emotions, those eyes that saw through any lie, any façade, any pretence, those eyes that displayed compassion. Her smile, dazzling and wide and he spent his days trying to see it, allowing it to melt his bones, make his heart swell. Her face, beautifully formed, with skin so warm and that mole on her cheek, he loved it so much. Her smell, cherries, he always wondered what it was – her shampoo, her body wash, her body spray, he didn't know and now Josh would know and he wouldn't.
He got moving, feeling like he was suffocating in the small space, whether it was from his overwhelming emotions or the lack of oxygen, he didn't know, he just needed to get out of here.
He practically sprinted down the rest of the stairs, bursting out into the fresh air, immediately hailing a cab to head home, hoping no one was home. He didn't want the company right now and the only one he'd accept was in the company of another.
She had been with Josh for a month now. She met him through Lanie and instantly felt an attraction to him, so she agreed to go out with him and he was great. He was caring and loving and a cardiac surgeon, but the only thing she disliked was that he was always busy and he wasn't Castle.
She knew for a while that she was falling for Castle, falling hard, but she didn't know just how to face it, or how to tell him. She knew he loved her, but she just wasn't ready to face Castle, to have that conversation, to deal with the full force of his emotions. She was scared, scared to give in to the feelings only to have him get tired of her and move on, that would crush her and she would never recover from that. She didn't want to lose her partner, her best friend and most importantly, she didn't want to hurt him with her resistance to let him just love her. So she went out with Josh, where it was safe, where she knew she wouldn't get hurt, where she knew she didn't love him enough to get hurt.
They had faced another life or death case today and although all of her senses were screaming at her to let it go, let Josh go, and give in to her feelings. She couldn't bear losing him and have him not know how she felt, but instead of letting him know, she let Josh wrap his arm around her and steer her towards to elevator, away from where she wanted to be.
She felt guilty for leading Josh on like this, she knew it wasn't going to last, especially now, she couldn't quite get Castle out of her head. She could tell he knew, he sensed it coming, in the way he acted. He was a bit strained, he didn't touch her like he used to and stood a little more away from her than usual.
She watched him move around her kitchen, preparing something for her to eat. It was a miracle when they were together, since he was pretty much always on call and so was she. She took a deep breath and decided it was now or never. She couldn't go on like this, she wasn't where she was supposed to be. She had to let Josh go, let him find someone worthy of his love and his time because it wasn't her, not when she spent all of her time with him thinking of another man, it felt like she was cheating on him, she couldn't do it.
"Josh." She called, getting his attention instantly.
"Yea Kate?" He answered, he sounded tense, like he knew what was coming.
"We need to talk." She exhaled, hugging her legs tightly to her chest.
He placed the plate he had in his hand down and lowered his head, before turning to her.
He knew.
"What is it Kate?" He asked, giving her the benefit of the doubt.
"I can't – I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." She told him.
He stared at her, anger flashing across his face. She braced herself for what was inevitably about to come, surprised when he spoke calmly.
"Is this about him?" He asked.
"No. It's about me. I can't do this to you. This relationship isn't going anywhere and you know it." She said, closing her eyes, heart racing.
"You're in love with him Kate." He said slowly.
Her eyes flew open, meeting his, they were cold and angry, a contrast to what his voice sounded like.
"No – I'm not, I just – "She started.
He shook his head, holding up his hand, cutting her off.
"You know Kate, from the day I met him I knew, I knew we were doomed, but I held on, I kept hoping that you would let him go, but you didn't, you couldn't and now here we are." He said, coming towards her.
"You know what it's like being with someone who clearly wants to be with someone else?" He asked.
"I'm sorry Josh, I didn't mean to hurt you." She whispered into the darkness.
He laughed, "Of course you didn't Kate. No one ever means to hurt anyone, but yet, they do."
"I didn't mean for it to turn out like this, Josh, I tried, I really tried." She shook her hand, standing and walking over to the window, desperate for some air.
He shook his head again, "Did you Kate? Did you really?" He retrieved his jacket from the back of the chair and turned towards to door.
"Just don't hurt him too." He said, before walking out the door and out of her life forever.
She hung her head, fighting the stinging tears in her eyes.
"Just don't hurt him too."
She really hoped she didn't.
He sat in his office, tying furiously on his laptop, a glass of scotch to his right as he typed paragraph after paragraph and erasing each one of them before slamming his laptop down in anger. He just couldn't right about Nikki and Rook right now, when the real life inspirations seemed so worlds apart.
He dragged his hand over his face, reaching for his glass and downing it, not even feeling the burn anymore, but still he wasn't drunk. He still couldn't get her out of his head, no matter what he did. He didn't want to imagine her off with Josh having the time of her life, while he sat here, drowning himself in misery, it was pathetic and he was pretty sure she'd laugh at him.
He was about to get up and go take a long, desperately needed hot shower, to wash away the day's turmoil and hopefully go to bed when he heard a knock at the door. Alexis and Martha thankfully weren't home when he arrived and they both had keys so they wouldn't be knocking. He wasn't expecting anyone, so he cursed silently as he made his way to the door, yanking it open.
He froze at what he saw. Kate, standing in his doorway, hand raised to knock again. She was opening and closing her mouth, trying to find something to say. What was she doing here? Shouldn't she be with Josh? He wondered to himself.
"Josh and I broke up." She blurted out before she could stop herself.
He stared at her for a good moment before responding.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Actually, he wasn't sorry, he was ecstatic, maybe he had a chance again or maybe Josh had broken her heart and she was closed off from love and she only came here seeking her best friend and nothing more.
She twisted her hands, and looked down at the floor as he watched her.
"Can I –"She looked up at him, "Can I come in?" she asked shyly.
He stepped aside immediately, "Sorry, yes, of course, come in."
She stepped around him, entering his loft, suddenly feeling very strange in a place she had once began to feel so comfortable in.
"Would you like a drink?" He asked, brushing passed her, she could smell the alcohol on his breath and wondered just how much he had to drink, if this should wait, he didn't seem too drunk.
"Please. Just water." She smiled.
"Please, sit, you're no stranger here Kate." He said, gesturing to the couch.
She nodded and made her way over to the couch, as Castle went to get her a glass of water. She needed it, her mouth felt dry and her throat felt scratchy as if it just knew what she was coming here for.
He returned quickly, sitting himself down on the couch, keeping a respectable distance that she wanted so desperately to be gone. She wanted him to wrap her in his arms and hold her and tell her she was being stupid, that he loved her and that nothing would destroy them, but she couldn't get that unless she told him. She suddenly had a thought, what if he no longer loved her? What if when she was with Josh, he moved on? What if – No. she didn't believe it.
He handed her the glass of water, fingers brushing, and sending waves of sparks rushing through her, waking her body up in every area.
"Thanks." She murmured, raising the glass and drinking all of it at once.
"Wow, you really are thirsty, would you like another?" He asked, reaching for the glass.
She shook her head, placing the glass on the table.
"No thanks." She said.
He sat back, letting the silence take over for a long moment before he addressed the elephant in the room.
"Why'd you break up?"
She inhaled deeply, "I didn't love him."
"Oh." He said, inwardly thanking to Gods, he didn't care if he was being selfish right now, he just wanted her.
"He knew though, that there was someone else." She continued, sending his heart plunging deep down in a spiral of sadness.
There was someone else.
Oh.
Castle could only nod, "Sorry about that." He said flatly, wondering why she didn't go to that someone else, instead of coming here and rubbing it in his face, when all he wanted to do was close the distance between them and kiss her senseless.
She looked at him, wondering how he could be so clueless sometimes. She hesitantly reached out to him, holding his hand in hers, surprised at her new found bravery and taking advantage of it while she could.
"It's you Castle. It's always been you." She told him, once he looked at her.
He stared at her, for so long she wondered if she even heard him.
"Me?" He finally managed to say, was he hearing right? Did she say it was always him? Did that mean …
"Yes, Castle you." She smiled, sliding closer to him on the couch, caressing his cheek in her hand, enjoying the feel of it.
"Why?" He asked, he had to be sure.
She smiled at him, "Because I love you Castle." She told him.
He couldn't speak, he had waited to hear those words for the longest while and now finally hearing them, he wasn't sure what to do.
"I love the way that you laugh at pretty much anything, I love the way you're a good father to Alexis, a good son to Martha, I love your dedication, I love your little smirk you get when you know you're right about something, I love the way your eyes light up when we get a weird case, I love when you try to protect me, I love when you sit beside me while I fill out paper work even though it bores you, I love how you look at me when you think I'm not looking, I love how you bring me coffee every morning, I love how I feel whenever we brush pass each other, I love how I feel when I'm with you, I love your blue eyes, I love that little piece of hair that sometimes falls into your face, I love everything, I love you Castle and please say something." She pleaded, feeling much lighter now that she got all of that off of her chest, but worried because he hadn't responded to her. He just sat staring at her, his mouth hanging open.
"Castle?" She whispered.
"Say that again." He said.
"I love you."
"Again." He moved closer.
"I love you."
"Again." He paused directly in front of her, eyes flickering down to her lips and back up to her eyes.
"I love you."
She was almost knocked backwards with the force of him as he crashed his lips into hers. Her hands came up instantly to tangle in his hair, something she always wanted to do.
He pushed his body into her, forcing her backwards on the couch, without breaking the kiss.
The kiss was all that she imagined it to be and more, he was gentle and tender, yet rough and desperate. His tongue poked at her lips, seeking entrance, which she immediately granted. She shuddered as she felt his tongue search her mouth, swiping over hers ever so lightly.
He was driving her crazy, she felt so intoxicated by him. She clawed at his back, desperately pulling him closer to her, closer than was possible, but she needed him, needed to feel him everywhere, to let herself know, to let him know that this was real and they were crossing that line.
His hands roamed under her shirt, making its way up the underside of her breast, gently rubbing the skin there, causing her to shudder under him.
"Castle." She breathed hotly against his lips.
He answered by unexpectedly ripping her shirt off of her, sending her buttons all over the floor of his loft. She gasped as his mouth came down on her neck, hot and wet, sucking her skin, surely to leave a mark. She arched her back, trying to get closer, trying to feel his hands all over her at once.
His fingers slipped around her back to unclasp her bra, freeing her of the silky confinement. He leaned back to take her in, eyes wide at what he had just unwrapped, not sure if he should continue or if she was going to stop him.
She reached up, roughly grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling her face down to her breast, which he sucked into his mouth immediately, tongue swirling the swollen nipple, sensitive to his hot breath that came over her, while she pinched and flicked the other.
She didn't know he had the power to make her become so completely undone in a matter of seconds and she could feel she was so close already. Her hands scratched the fabric over his back and she cursed at the barrier, ripping it off of him with a growl.
She pulled him down against her, arching her back, pressing her naked flesh to his. Her nerves were on fire as she felt him pull her pants down, along with her panties. He was wasting no time tonight, not that she minded, they had wasted enough years.
She thrust her hips upwards as she felt his fingers sweep over her. She could feel the heat and moisture pooling between her thighs and instantly spread her legs for him, begging him to take her.
"So beautiful." He murmured as he kissed his way down her stomach, stopping at her navel, swirling his tongue inside, smiling as she shivered and continued down.
He kissed down her thighs, down her leg and up again, so close to where she wanted him to be, but not close enough and it was driving her mad.
She began thrusting her hips wildly, as he laughed, tracing a finger over her. Dragging her moisture over herself before bringing his finger up to his face and while looking at her, sucked it into his mouth.
"Mmm, Kate, you taste so good." He moaned.
Her head fell backwards at the sight, she never knew that watching Castle taste her would be such a turn on for her.
She wanted more.
She grabbed his head and roughly pushed his face to her centre, eyes rolling back in her head when she felt his tongue come out to taste her.
He pulled her down on the couch, so that her legs hung off the edge and he was on his knees in front of her and raised her legs over his shoulder.
She sucked in a breath of air and bit down on her lip, supressing a moan as she felt Castle's hot mouth come over her.
He pressed a palm on her stomach to keep her in once place and she writhed violently and thrusted wildly, searching for more as he worked her, sucking and biting at the appropriate times.
He slowly worked a finger into her, followed by another, causing her to buck wildly in his face, coating it with her. He worked his fingers in and out of her, taking her higher and higher, winding her up tighter and tighter as he sucked on her roughly.
She could feel her muscles contract and the coil tighten within her.
"Oh God, Castle, please, don't stop." She moaned, urging him to move faster, deeper and finish her off.
He plunged his tongue inside of her, scissoring his fingers, hitting that spot.
"Oh! Right there! I'm- " She screamed as she fell apart around him, body jerking with her release.
Her expertly worked his fingers, taking her down from her high, cleaning her up with his mouth. Eventually, she stilled, chest still heaving from the most explosive orgasm she ever had.
He removed his fingers from her, sucking each one of them off, before moving over her and attaching his lips to hers, letting her taste herself. She wrapped her legs around his waist, heels digging into his backside as she kissed him deeply, enjoying the taste of her on his tongue.
Her hand creeped down to the bulge inside his pants, palming it ever so slightly, making his break the kiss and moan.
"I think we should take this to the bedroom." She rasped.
"I agree." He growled, moving quickly, picking her up and carrying her to officially consummate their new relationship… all night.
She woke to find him staring at her. She was pressed up against his nude body, feeling parts of him ready for her again. He was lightly dragging his fingers up and down her side.
"Morning." He whispered once he realized she was up.
She smiled and leaned in to kiss him, because she could do that now.
"Morning."
"Tell me this is real, that it's not a dream." He asked, brushing the hair out of her face.
"Why?" She asked, grabbing his fingers, kissing each fingertip, before lacing her fingers through his.
"Because, I'm here, with you, naked in my bed, after having sex all night, the best I've ever had and you said you loved me and … it has to be a dream." He rushed.
She brought their joined hands up to her lips, kissing his knuckle.
"You're not dreaming." She confirmed, watching his eyes light up with love and relief and everything else.
"Can you kiss me again? Just to be sure." He asked.
She leaned forward, kissing him hard, just to be sure.
"Kate."
"hhhmmm." She responded, her eyes closed, marvelling about how soft his lips were, thinking that she wouldn't mind kissing them all day. It was Saturday, she wasn't on call, she planned to do just that.
"Say it again."
"Say what again?"
She opened her eyes when he didn't reply right away.
He was staring at her with such intense love that it knocked the air right out of her lungs and suddenly, she had trouble finding the air.
"That you love me."
She smiled, cupping his face in her hands.
"I – love – you." She said, kissing his between each word.
"I love you." She kissed his nose.
"I love you." She kissed his cheeks.
"I love you." She kissed his forehead.
"I love you." She kissed his lips, not wanting to pull away.
"I love you too." He whispered against her lips, "I don't think I'll ever get over hearing you say that."
She smiled.
"That's okay, because I'll never stop saying it."
And I'll throw it all away
And watch you fall into my arms again
And I'll throw it all away
Watch you fall, now
This is the start of something beautiful
You are the start of something new.
End A/N: Despite the fact that I have two one shots of pure smut and two other M rated stories, writing smut kind of makes me uncomfortable, but I do it anyways, cause well… It's Caskett. Like I said, I never intended to write the smut… but it just happened.