S I L E N T ~ T E A R S
"I just need some space, I feel like I'm suffocating."
"How convenient, we barely spend any time together and you are suffocating."
"You don't understand."
"How could I understand when you don't talk to me?"
"I try to tell you what's wrong, you never listen to what I have to say."
"Because it doesn't make any sense!"
"Please, I need space."
We had that conversation two months ago. We are still together. I am still suffocating. He thinks I am happy despite the numb routine we partake every day. I try over and over again to explain to him, but he doesn't listen. He thinks that my issues are childish and pushes them off like they are nothing. That I'll just work through it. But over time, I do just the opposite.
I drown in them.
At this point, I'm not even sure that I could outright voice my "problems" anymore. I don't even remember when it started, this feeling of a dark and desolate mindscape. Tension builds up and rises to a boiling point, my frustration, my anger, soon it will just explode around us. Maybe then I will feel some sort of relief. The cause? I don't even know, there is no real reason for any of this.
Every morning I wake up with a tight throat and a sense of dread. Pressure, there is so much pressure. I know that I have failed as a wife in every possible way. I am not there when he needs me the most, I am not strong enough to stand beside him, I cannot even provide him with a child. I am worthless. I have no values to keep me standing on my own two feet, how could I even hope to support someone else?
It's not fair to my husband, I know this. And really, he doesn't need me. He has never really needed me. I stand here today as the wife of a proud man, and I can't stand it. He stands each day in the glory, while I make up his shadow.
He takes my hand and gives me a rare smile, "Come Hinata, let's go for a walk."
I nod obediently at my exceptionally handsome husband, "Of course Sasuke, as you wish." It is the least I can do for this man.
It was different in the beginning. I remember being happy, though the memory seems distant and vague now. But at one time, we were both content just being in the presence of each other. All he needed to do was look me in the eye and my heart would be in a tail-spin. I fell so deeply in love. I still love him today, a deep love that doesn't come around all that often. These conflicting emotions are constantly floating around in my mind, I wish I could just will it all away.
Everyone used to always tell me how lucky I was to be with him. How special I must be for Sasuke Uchiha to finally settle down and pick me, out of everyone else, to make a life with. I knew I was fortunate, I still know that. It's just that somewhere along the line…I lost my own identity. I was no longer Hinata Hyuuga; or even Hinata Uchiha anymore.
Now, I am simply…Sasuke's wife.
I do not resent my husband, if anything I am most proud of him and his accomplishments as a returned shinobi of Konoha. My issues are all internal; I need to find a way to fight off the thoughts that haunt my mind. How can a plain girl such as myself ever stand next to such greatness?
My biggest concern though, is the fact that I am barren. Yet I am wed to a man where having a family is most important. I continuously struggle to accept the fact that we will never have children. And he accepts it so easily, tells me that it just wasn't meant to be. Yes, Sasuke had a very troubled childhood. Yes, he defected from his home village, yes he killed his own brother. But yes, he also saw the truth in this world and helped save it. It hadn't been too late for Sasuke then, and it isn't now. If only he had chosen someone else, he could have had a family by now. He would make a wonderful father. But being with me, he is denied such a simple joy that most can easily find in this life.
Unwanted thoughts fester in my mind as we walk, still holding hands. I keep things from him now, my own troubles. I know that it is wrong, but he doesn't understand. Maybe he doesn't want to. I don't blame him, after all I am such an emotional wreck.
Every time I ever mention a divorce, he looks so hurt. I feel ashamed for making him doubt me for even a minute. So I let him down, again and again. It's at a point where it is all out of control, I feel like I will snap at any moment.
Space.
I just need space.
I am suffocating, can't you see?
Together we walk in the busy and crowded streets of Konoha Village, our home town. And I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I can hardly breathe, I feel restless and unsure about everything around me. He is not the problem, I am; me and my insecurities. I have always been the problem. From the outside, everything looks perfect, we are the happy couple that is completely devoted to one another. And we are devoted, but almost too much. He is so devoted to me that he refuses himself true happiness. I am so devoted to him that I can't give him that happiness.
Sasuke is blind-folded from my pain. Even if he did understand I don't think he could fix it. The one thing this amazing man cannot do is help his wife. Maybe, maybe he really does get it, he's so brilliant, but he ignores it because he knows there is nothing he can do. Does that make it even worse? Knowing that I am so broken?
I need time away from him, away from everyone. I need to sort everything out in my mind. But I can't have it. He won't let me. He thinks having time apart means we are taking a break in our relationship, but that's not true. I just need…I really don't know. And because I don't know, I bend to him. He says to come and walk with him, so I do. He says to come to bed with him, so I do. He says to eat with him, and so I do. I need his guidance to get me through each day.
How is it possible to need someone so much and yet need to get away from them at the same time?
I will fight to break away from my acidic thoughts. I will fight because I know that it is worth while. The pain I feel will eventually subside. A new light will take over my soul and redeem me from this restraining darkness. It must happen. It has to.
Until then, I will smile and pretend that everything is fine, my tears will remain silent. He loves me, so I know I should just get over my every qualm and be grateful. I do this for my husband, the man I know I never deserved to begin with.
Space.
I just need space.
I am suffocating, can't you see?