Harry Potter and the Case of the Belligerent Butt-Toucher

by Patbert

Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts for the first time and finds that the big danger this year is a hooded figure sneaking around touching people's butts. Who could it be? It is Harry's most dangerous adventure yet. Easily the most entertaining thing every written. WARNING: Contains so much shouting and boastful behavior. There is a rap battle. WARNING: The reviews contain some spoilers.

1. Origin Story

(AN: Everyone go out and tell all of your friends / enemies how much you like this story! That way, it's good times for everyone!)

CHAPTER 1: Origin Story

"Mom!" whispered Harry. "Where's all the dang Cheetos?"

"In the pantry!" Aunt Petunia whispered back. "And I'm not your mom. I'm your aunt. Your Uncle Vernon and I hate you very much. We see you as a burden." she expositioned.

Harry found the dang Cheetos and flopped onto the couch. He hadn't seen Uncle Vernon there, and landed on top of him.

"Harry, you taint! Get off of me!" whispered Uncle Vernon, shoving Harry and sending him flying across the room.

The Dursley household was a very quiet place. The success of the Harry Potter movies had reached even their little backwoods redneck English towne, and Uncle Vernon didn't want Harry knowing that he was a wizard. He had forbidden everyone in the house from speaking loudly incase Harry overheard something.

Harry stood up, and brushed the shards of the ancient Chinese urn he had flown into. The Dursley household had a lot of these. There was a knocking at the front door. Dudley rolled to the front door and answered it. Dudley was vast.

"What's all this, then?" he ask-whispered, in his best English accent. "You're a giant and that unnerves me."

It was Hagrid, and he was a giant. When he had knocked, he had been regular sized, but Dudley's childlike innocence had granted Hagrid's Christmas wish of being big enough to fight Dumbledore, so now he was big.

"Hello!" he bellowed. "I'm Hagrid, and I need to speak with Harry Potter. I have an owl for him!"

Hagrid held out the owl he was clutching, who was in turn clutching a letter, sealed with wizard wax.

Uncle Vernon jumped up from the couch and quietly stomped up to the front door. He grabbed the owl, and drop kicked it into the street.

"We'll have none of your loudness!" Uncle Vernon whisper-yelled. "And don't tell Harry that he's actually a wizard!"

Harry heard none of this. He was a simple boy, and he was trying to piece together the ancient Chinese urn he had maliciously broken. It was a different urn from the first.

"You're-a-wizard-,-Harry!" Hagrid yell-sneezed inconspicuously.

Harry stood up and whispered "Duh! I know that! I saw the movies! Everyone has seen the movies!"

"Oh." Said Uncle Vernon in a normal speaking voice. "Well, out of our hair then."

Harry broke another urn, got his bagpipes, and walked out the front door and onto the train that was parked out on the front lawn.

"We're going to Hogwarts, y'all!" shouted the train-driver, as he whoop-whooped the train whistle.