Silent Witness belongs to BBC... :)
Life is a one way road
Leo
Professor Leo Dalton was sitting at his dinner table finishing reports. It was unusual for him to bring the work home. Usually he would stay late or make an early start on those rare occasions when an active case would cause him to be late with reports, papers, articles, plans or anything else that man at his positions was bound to do.
He never considered himself an important person. He knew that his work spoke for itself and was in a great deal proud of his accomplishments, flattered that he was well respected by his peers and colleagues. But he was never arrogant.
Maybe it was the nature of his work combined with personal tragedy that made him realise something that is so obvious and simple but often missed even and especially by people like him. He knew that he was replaceable. Leo Dalton, doctor, professor, Member of British Empire… was replaceable. Sometimes he felt that if he hadn't worked as much as he had, things might have been different. Maybe he wouldn't be professor but he might still be a father. Rational part of him eventually made peace with those self – destructive, unchangeable, impossible thoughts. Life is a one way road and it can't be changed no matter how many times you turn around.
He rarely let himself go back to past. Sometimes all he would think about for days could be nothing and no one else but Theresa and Cassie. He would be woken up by a familiar voice calling his name, and still, even know, years later for a moment so small that only his heart, not his brain could register it, he would expect to see Theresa laying by his side and it would be Cassie calling him to help her. Images would be too strong and in that second stolen from past, present and never possible future, he could smell his wife's shampoo and felt her presence beside him. He expected her to be by his side, alive, breathing, there to be loved just like it was supposed to be. But the reality was different. So many times when she needed him he hadn't been there and it would hunt him till his own death.
There was never a moment since the day when he has lost his family, that he felt genuinely happy. Not like before. Not that innocent and careless happiness of a man who has never witnessed tragedy. He knew he'll never be that man again.
After every tragedy, after every loss, piece of who we are is lost. But not taken away. It stays in us, like a fossil, buried under other pieces of us, witnessing the passage of time that brings none or very little change. Eventually it becomes a ghost that hunts us, terrifies us, part of us that we detest, deny, even regret. At the beginning all he felt was shock. Then there was despair and anger, loneliness, self hate and denial.
Huge part of Leo Dalton died on that July 25th. It was a part of his life that was so intertwined with every other part. Part that was making him irreplaceable. He was a lover, companion, husband, father, care giver. All of that was now gone and destined to stay buried deep like the bodies of those who created it.
Now, years later the lost part became reminder of the time that was long gone, but never forgotten. Priceless exhibit in the gallery of his life. He would take it sometimes from its carefully built shelf and take a better look.
Then he would feel his wife's lips on his own, touch of her hair under his fingertips, or Cassie's kicks in her womb. He could see Cassie's smile on the first day of school and the faces of her babies that will never be born. In those moments years have never passed. And Leo Dalton would be shocked, in despair, angry and lonely all over again. But these days were rare.
They say certain things happen only once in life. Maybe it's only half right. Because, love is never the same. And when is one so cruelly taken away from you, maybe it's fair from life to offer you another. But no one knew better than Leo that life doesn't owe us to be fair.
For a bigger part of his relationship with Janet he refused to think about his feelings as love. But she never gave up on him and instead of running away from his lost part or trying to bury it even deeper she did something extraordinary.
She helped bring his lost peace back. Back to their conversations, back to the living, back to the light. She helped him put the piece on the respected and safe place it was now on.
Leo then learnt that love happens more than once. It is always different and always the same. But it mustn't ever be ignored or denied.
It was the phone ringing that brought him back to reality. So he looked away from the cradle and answered his phone. It was Harry.