Disclaimer: I don't own the Thunderbirds or the Tracys. I'm merely borrowing them from those who do.
A/N: Thanks to Criminally Charmed for reading the story and offering her thoughts. I'm posting a tissue warning after her feedback.
Never Going to be Alone
Sitting in the sand, I gaze out over the water and try to hold back the tears that threaten to fall. It seems that I've shed more tears in the last year than when Mom died. I guess I just never expected to lose one of my brothers even in the line of work we're in. Hell, it wasn't even a rescue that took him from me…from us. No, what took him was something silent and merciless. Bowing my head, I gave up holding the tears back. My thoughts were more of a rambling that tumbled from my mouth. I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes sense but then his death doesn't make sense to me. We're the good guys here and we've sacrificed so much for others. And yet, none of that matters one damned bit to the Leukemia that stole him from us.
"It's coming up on one year since you were taken from us. One year in which I've cried countless tears when I hoped that nobody noticed. Not one day has passed that I've not thought of or missed you. I go through the motions of living but it's a rarity for me to truly enjoy life as I did before you left me."
"I haven't left you or the others, brother mine."
"At times, I feel like giving up and coming 'home' to you and Mom. Those are the times that the pain of losing you drives me to my knees."
"I'm not going to let you fall because you're never alone. Haven't you noticed that one of the others come to you when you're hurting more than you let on? I've sent them to you just as I've sent you to them when they're in need. We're the Tracy brothers and not even death can sever the bond that we have."
"I wish I'd told you more often how much you mean to me. How much I love you. I just thought I'd have the time to tell you."
"I knew because you told me every day in the ways you looked after me. You were there for me from my earliest memory. I knew how much you loved me even when I drove you mental. And I know you still love me now and I promise that every day that passes the grief you feel will lessen. It won't go away but it will lessen."
"I'm afraid of losing the hurt because then I'll lose you."
"You'll never lose me because I'm always going to be here for you. When you feel at your lowest, I'll be right there holding you."
"You know that little bear you gave me for my birthday one year? Lil Bear? Did you know that I set that thing on my bedside table and that he travels with me wherever I go? It was such a weird and silly gift but it's the one thing I can reach out and touch. I can still hear your laughter when you gave it to me. I wouldn't have expected it to mean as much to me as it does." A soft sigh pushed past my trembling lips. "I never knew what to expect with you. You always kept us on our toes but we wouldn't have traded you for anything. You reminded us to enjoy life and never to forget how much family meant."
"With our family, we can do anything."
"Hey, what are you doing down here?"
I can see my brother's worried frown from where I'm sitting and feel slightly embarrassed he caught me out here crying…again. Hurriedly, I try to wipe the tears from my cheeks and at best try to give the impression I had something in my eye. "Um, nothing. Just enjoying the view before our next call out."
"Nice try but our brother knows you better than that. Don't sell him short because he sees more than you realize."
"Nice try, little brother, but would you like to tell me the real reason?" He stared at me with that look that told me that he wasn't going to let it go.
Sighing, I shifted my gaze back to the horizon. "Fine, I was thinking that it's been almost a year and how the void is still there. I can't stop thinking that I should have realized that he was sicker than he let on. That the doctor missed it with all those labs he initially ordered." The words just fell from my mouth as if they just had to escape. "I'm so pissed off that we couldn't save him and that he was taken from us before we really had a chance to come to terms with the diagnosis."
He sat down next to me and bumped my shoulder with his. "It's okay to be pissed. I think we all have been and it's okay to cry because we've all done that, too. You don't have to hide it from me. Honestly, I wish you'd lean on me when you need to let it out."
I heard his voice catch and turned to look at him. That's when I noticed for the first time that his eyes were red-rimmed and tears trailed down his cheeks. "Do you think he's watching over us?"
He wiped at his face and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I do. When I miss him the most…God, you're going to think I'm nuts for saying this but I can feel him hug me. It's almost as if he's holding me to keep me from falling too hard. I swear I can him say—"
"I won't let you go." He watched as two of his brothers leaned on each other, refusing to let either of them fall. No, he wouldn't let any of his brothers fall and they damn well were never going to be left to deal with his death alone. "I won't let any of you fall." Watching, he smiled when he noticed his other two brothers walking towards their brothers. "None of you will ever be alone."