The Royal Treatment
Just APenniless Writer
Standard Disclaimer Applies.
Author's Plea: ...I never said that I write good comedy. But, come on, you know you wanna read Pimp!Narcissa. This should be no longer than a 3 part story. Part 2 won't be up until after I get the next chapter of Falsity written.
Part 1.
"I wish to petition you on behalf of my ex-husband."
Hermione was silent with complete and total surprise.
Curiosity and good manners had taken her this far into this odd association. When Narcissa Black, the former Mrs. Malfoy, had first contacted her to join the Women's League, the young healer had been overjoyed. When Narcissa had bid her come by her new estate every Wednesday for tea, she had been confused and excited. But when Narcissa had invited her for lunch in her private room at a restaurant Hermione had only dreamt of visiting, she began to suspect the blonde's motives.
However, nothing had prepared her for this.
"My ex-husband, Lucius. I believe you know of him."
"Yes…"
"As you aware, despite the finalization of our divorce, we are still on good terms. However, since Raphael began courting me, Lucius has fallen into a depression of sorts. Raphael has asked for my hand. I am of the opinion to accept, but I fear what such knowledge would do to dear Lucius."
Hermione nodded though she was still having difficulties wrapping her mind around the enormity of this. Give her a class, she could surpass the highest expectations of the professor. Give her a test, she could break all records for high marks currently in place. Give her a problem, she could solve it and eight others connected to it.
But she had little to no practice with matters of romance. After pouring so much of herself into her training and her work, she feared she had little left for romantic love. More so, try as she might, she knew of no reason why Narcissa would say such things to her. Though they had become something of good acquaintances over the course of the year, they were still not friends, let alone very close.
"It is my opinion that Lucius would manage much better were he in a relationship. However, the man seems to have no interest in courting as all women in his immediate knowledge are married or otherwise unavailable."
Hermione just stared at her blankly.
"I decided, quite rightly, to take matters into my own hands," Narcissa finished with a self assured smile.
"But… You wish for me to court him?"
"Hermione, dear, please keep up. I understand you are out of your element, but really, dear, this is not as difficult as healing."
"Still, why me?"
"Is it not obvious? You are perfectly suited."
Hermione openly scoffed despite her inner voice reminding her it was improper, something that could be fatal in front of her present company.
"I am perfectly suited for Lucius Malfoy?" she asked incredulously.
"Of course. It is a wonder no one saw it before. I suppose no one wanted to believe it."
"Believe what?"
"What you are, Hermione."
At this, the young healer straightened her spine in preparation for the well spoken insults sure to befall her.
"You are strong. You are capable. You are most assuredly intelligent. With my influence, you will be poised. Most importantly, you are ruthless."
"Ruthless! I think not! I'm merely… demanding."
"Hermione, dear, I have had a place on the hospital's board of directors for some time now. Do not think I have not seen what you have accomplished."
Hermione still looked indignant.
"Very well, I shall explain. The former director of St. Mungo's resigned rather unexpectedly."
"I merely asked about some missing patient files."
"You merely demanded he submit to full inspection should he not promote you as you rightly deserved. That, my dear, is blackmail."
Hermione blushed but did not look particularly guilt ridden.
"There is the matter of the house-elf abuser that waited eight hours to be treated."
"It was a busy day!"
"You had three other patients, and the counter-curse took all of three minutes."
Hermione sulked.
"Let us not ignore the curious incident in which the male who behaved improperly was hexed by a most mysterious assailant."
"He grabbed me! There isn't a woman who wouldn't have hexed him after what he did!"
"Yes, Hermione dear, but most women would not have used one without a counter-hex. The man was without a defining part of his body for over a month. I hear it was most uncomfortable."
Hermione still refused to feel guilty.
"The passing of the House-Elf Abuse Law was simply beautiful," the prim woman continued with an odd sparkle in her eyes, lighting her face as Hermione had never before seen it. She really was quite the beautiful woman when she was not being a snotty aristocrat.
"I did nothing wrong!" Hermione insisted.
"I did not say you did. I am merely pointing out that your methods are remarkably similar to my former husband's."
"I still think you are stretching a bit."
"Draco told me about all you accomplished in school."
"What?"
"Rita Skeeter and Dolores Umbridge. Cormac McLaggen? Do you remember now?"
Hermione fumed silently.
"Now, child, you know I would never judge you…" Hermione bitterly laughed inwardly, remembering the days before she had such power when Narcissa refused to even acknowledge her. "…But it remains true that you find ways to get what you want that are… similar to the means of persuasion used by Lucius."
Hermione simply stared with a mixture of horror and awe. She could not dispute the truth. Her methods were something she had never really thought about. After all, everything she had done had been in the name of all that was good. She supposed that was the defining difference between Lucius and herself: their ideas on what was good. Still, that difference was big enough.
"I knew you would agree. Now, my dear girl, leave everything to me. I have already arranged for you to be away from St. Mungo's this weekend. You are coming to the spa with me where Lucius frequents. The man cannot go a week without a manicure."
The young woman had to bite her lip to keep from giggling like a school girl.
"If something sparks between the two of you, marvelous. If not, you have been treated to a weekend in luxury. Now agree like a good girl."
Still partially lost in shock, Hermione nodded mutely.
"Wonderful. Apparate to my estate Friday when you are finished at the hospital, and I will take you shopping for new robes. You simply have to look fabulous for the spa."
Far be it from Hermione to question this wisdom. However, now that she was able to take in everything she had been told, she was somewhat more capable of processing what exactly she had gotten herself into. Narcissa seemed rather set on having her date her ex-husband, and Hermione knew from experience that it was best not to go against the woman's wishes.
Still, that didn't stop her from recognizing the huge favor she was doing Narcissa. Surely that must profit her somehow. Information was the blonde's most valuable commodity, and Hermione was intent to see exactly how much she could learn.
"Narcissa… Why did you divorce Lucius if you had no ill feelings toward him?"
"You mean you do not know? My child, you really do need to learn how to gossip."
Part of her wanted to prove the woman wrong, as she knew enough to seriously damage quite a few careers. However, she supposed Narcissa had a point. As busy as she was with supervising her department at St. Mungo's, managing the House-Elf Abuse Hotline, and other worthwhile endeavors, she only had time for the most superficial understanding of popular relationships.
"At the time, I was still in training and working tirelessly on the House-Elf Abuse Law."
"There is never a good reason to dismiss social information. That advice will get you anywhere. As for your question, I suppose you are entitled to the truth." The blonde sighed dramatically. Hermione was once again surprised by how very theatric the woman could be when she wasn't in the presence of those she felt so far beneath her.
"While Lucius was in Azkaban, I had some time to consider our marriage. When he returned after the war, I brought to his attention the fact that I did not feel especially attracted to him anymore. He seemed quite relieved and informed me that my particular form of deviousness no longer sparked anything. After over two decades of marriage, we were no longer interested in each other romantically. For the first year, we did what we could to rekindle our love to no effect. Finally, when Draco married, we decided to try a separation. It worked so well, we were so much happier, we decided to make it official."
"I see."
"You must understand, Hermione, that Lucius was a good friend of mine before our courtship. We never were particularly interested, but there is much to say about shared interests and comfort. I fear Draco and Pansy will find themselves in a similar situation in a few years. I am only grateful you managed to introduce the concept of divorce into our culture."
"You are welcome. I never did understand the need to stay in an unhappy marriage."
"Neither did I, dear. Especially now that I know what true compatibility is."
The aristocrat smiled dreamily. Hermione was shocked at the difference the entirely honest expression looked on the normally calculating and often cold woman. Part of her, a part uniquely separated from her drive for knowledge and success, prayed that one day she could look so happy despite herself.
Then again, she was 25 and preparing to date a middle-aged former Death Eater at the request of his ex-wife. Perhaps romance really was too complicated to bother with.